well it's Tuesday, but i didn't get this one done yesterday, so i'm doing it now. Monday was cool, i got some things done that i needed to, and i feel good about that, though there is more work to do today. i got up with prayers but i was still very out of sorts with the daylights savings nonsense. i made my way to the gym after calling Syd off school. (i have a thing with that. i still get some criticism about my supposedly 'hands-off parenting, which is not the case at all, but i know certain facts in 2016 that make trying to be a different kind of parent useless: if a child goes to school and vomits, they're coming home. if a child goes to school and has a slight temperature they're coming home. if a child goes to school and is flushed, they're calling home and trying to send the child home. if a child knows these things, then the child is going to use them. so its the parents, or parent, against the child, the teachers, the school faculty, the board of education and their 2-sided policies. i would rather tell the child the detriment of their actions, let them have the consequences of bad decisions and not make allowances for make-up work on my time so the lesson can stick. and that's my policy on this now) i came home, got on the phone after breakfast and started working out some things that needed to be done. i called the trash collection company for my area and re-established service so i can get these couches from my devil's strip and get my trash picked up weekly. the fee is about $180 a year, which really is not bad. $15 a month is what it comes down to, and i can afford that. i also ordered my meds as i'm down to the last week on some of them and need more of my fast acting insulin in any event. I got a text from Patrice in columbus asking me not to be mad at her and i explained to her that i am going through things and she has convinced me by not even at least calling me back that there's no point in trying to call her for support. the thought itself makes me incredibly sad, but it is the reality in my life right now.
i'm trying to get to some understanding without any confirmation. it is ultimately the situation that i hate most in my life; when i'm confused or stalled and no one is going to come through and give me facts. i can 'act as if', i can simply draw my own conclusions, act upon them and keep it moving, which is a vast improvement from the way things used to be for me. I would shut down, be morose and inert and angry until someone could give me an answer that i could then finish a chapter with. even now, some things just feel as if they are stories that i must put aside and move on to other stories. today, for instance, is Colleen's birthday. was once secretary at a meeting i attend and do service at. we dallied in some intimacy, but nothing heavy duty. when she stopped coming, she was already in a transition of not doing things she should have been doing, putting more emphasis on social life than recovery life. but abruptly she faded from my life, and there is no real why. easy to say 'maybe she just started using again', and that might be the case. but i don't have a period to place at the end of the sentence that contains her. an old friend, Marian, i learned is working at a department store. i could go there and see her. i'm not going to. she now lives somewhere on my side of town. i am not going to seek her out. people i've established contact with through facebook, old school friends, etc, etc. one of my best friends from my 'before recovery' days, who was a friend in my early sober years. caught him when i learned he was out of prison. made him a CD. recontacted and re-lost contact. this is the story of my life right now.
as i write this, i realize again what i did some days ago. i am the common denominator in my loneliness. i am the thing that all these people, all these situations have in common with each other. so, am i just a bad person? i don't believe so, but that doesn't mean i'm not. perhaps my demeanor is enough to keep people away. that's possible. my dissatisfaction is well established now. but with Marian, i've taken her food when she had nothing. i have had to keep from drowning when her depression deepened and i couldn't continue to navigate in her dark waters, but we re-established contact and lost it again.
i guess perhaps this is a test. i believe in spiritual trials. and not just that life does bad things and one's character has to be up to snuff to survive. that's an overview. beneath that, in my experience anyway, is that there is this surface existence that we all have to deal in, and the varying perceptiveness of the entity brings about the awareness of the existence of other realities. even if one chose not to believe that, to think it an inane rationalization of a defective mind, we are all plagued by other realities in one form or another. if you have a sickness, you are plagued by other realities. if you are in an emotional turmoil, you are plagued by other realities. if you have parasites that got on you from a pet, you are plagued by other realities. if your air, water or food has contaminants, etc. these are truths. and these are facts that are indisputable. so for one to believe that one can be under spiritual attack is not an unreasonable premise. it simply grates against man's ego, because a spiritual attack of this nature is being attacked by something BIGGER than man, rather than so small it is beneath man's notice.
loneliness is a terrible thing for me. but i'm thriving in it. i'm surviving it. i am doing things that i need to do in the midst of it and I will continue to do so. i don't know why R won't call. I don't know why TF has gone off the rails. having no answers, i have to just leave those chapters unwritten, unfinished, until more data presents itself. but that's not easy. it is possible, however, and there is the blessing. so, today i'm going to finish my loan application, try to find a car, turn leftover roast and veggies into stew, and just take care of some more sales stuff. and whatever else comes, i will know that i am blessed, because Jehovah has ensured that no matter how it feels, i am not alone. maybe it won't even make me sad, given enough time.
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