glow in the dark

the day progresses, saturday that is.  i've done a bit, been around a bit, done some things here and am currently working on a pot of greens for tomorrow's dinner.  i've invited my brother over, and i want to have a nice dinner with him.

i got up and said my prayer at the kitchen table again, just because i needed to use the bathroom first thing.  i had started my coffee way before i was out of the bed, and i had a cup and some water as i took my meds and did my readings.  my plan was already set so i didn't have to do a lot of brainwork today.  but i still managed to squeeze in some.

i'm proud because these blues are not off me, and i felt the spiritual lethargy trying to put me back in my sleep mode, but i got out and did this shit anyway.  i had breakfast, i took a shower and shaved, i gathered clothes and put a load in the washer, i dressed and got out the door.  Lonnie was doing worse so he wasn't going, so i decided on Niles today.  went to Big Lots and got most of the stuff i needed.  didn't find lamp shades there, and forgot to put bath mats on my list, but i can get that anywhere as well.  i was going to just hit stores, but i still feel the emptiness when i'm just walking aisles by myself.  so i went north, called my mom but got no answer, went to Goodwill but found no lamp shades and no medium sauce pot.  i went to Sav-A-Lot and got dinner stuff for tomorrow and i had lunch while i was in Liberty.  then i went to the meat market on my side of town (how strange) and got a chicken cut up because you can't seem to find one in a local store anymore.  i went to Dollar General for a couple things and came home.  unloaded the car mostly, started doing prep stuff and just brought my clothes from the dryer, where i put them when i got things put away.  now i'm going to put clothes away, put a trash can upstairs in my office, take supplies upstairs, keep an eye and a nose on these greens and i'm going to get ready to fix myself some dinner in a very short while.  i feel good.  spent some cheese but got some things, so i can't complain too loudly.  and i thank my Father for proving again that if i just deal with what's in front of me, what's behind me will take care of itself.  i'm gone.

days between days

you'll have them, the days that feel as if you are just a protozoa in a stream of some fluid, moving along with no discernible purpose toward a destiny that you can't even hypothesize, can't even begin to imagine with the small amount of brain available to you.  you just float, and you go from one end of the day to the other, and you hope in your heart that you don't have too many of these strung together.  but you have no control over that.  or, rather, you have limited control over it, and what you can do is force some things that have to be done and forgive yourself for the things you just can't get to.

that's the gist of it, anyway.  this picture is from some weeks ago, at the Fellowship hall, but it is how i'm feeling again, likely for the same reason.  it'll pass.  its something i can do nothing about, so acceptance is the only option.  but as i alluded to in counseling today, the question marks that hang overhead with no way to pick them and replace them with periods of information that bring understanding to my heart, that is a singularly maddening thing for me.  but like the Stones said, you can't always get what you want, right?

so, i got up today, and i got moving today.  i couldn't get all the way under sleep, but i got some, and i made the most of it.  i said my prayer before i nodded out again, and when i woke, i had coffee, ate my breakfast and then took my meds and did my readings.  i still ended up running behind, because i've got this blues thing happening, spoke on it.  but i got to counseling relatively on time, then i went to my parent's house and made breakfast for my mom, put on a fresh pot of coffee for her, and filled the reservoir on her C-Pap machine.  i went to the store and got some salmon for my dinner, some other small things, i tried to go to Goodwill but it was heavily crowded for some reason, so i went back my way.  got a fish sandwich and fries from the little food truck on McGuffey and ate.  i talked to Lonnie, who wasn't feeling well today, and after i ate i took a nap.  needed it too.  i didn't nap long either, but it helped.

i had mhy dinner not long ago, baked salmon, a baked potato and a salad with mixed greens and tomato and onion and mushrooms and feta.  perhaps Lonnie will be up to some store runs tomorrow; that would be cool.  and maybe i can get my chores done, which would also be pretty fantastic.  but regardless, i have gotten through this day, by Jehovah's mercy, and i am grateful for that blessing, and that is good enough for this moment in time.  it has to be.  we'll see if the creek rises, if God is willing, and if i awaken, and we'll have some other things to report then, pretty sure.

still waters, windless days

the problem with words (as i ate dessert, i thought about how to start this one) is that they are often misunderstood by those who try to use them, and the misunderstanding goes uncorrected, therefore there continues a misuse, or misunderstanding, of a thing that becomes a part of the consciousness of the kind.  for example, i've heard the expression 'for all intensive purposes' for a long time, heard it for years in fact, before i saw it in a book written properly, 'for all INTENT and purposes'.  but because someone misheard it and thought it sounded intelligent it was allowed its own existence in my mind until i was blessed to learn it correctly.  and does it matter?  not really.  but it's significant in that what you don't understand, you can hardly define or describe to someone else.  and if you can't define something, how can you get feedback on it?

all that to say, again as i thought eating my dessert, that i had the wind knocked out of my sails this afternoon.  and now, i know exactly what the feeling is, and i can describe it perfectly for anyone.

start with going to the interview today.  Trugreen, a lawncare company, located in Boardman, on South Avenue.  guess they consider it Poland, but there you go.  i know South Ave, so i wasn't really concerned about directions.  and Trugreen, being a national brand company, should have a prominent location, one would think.  i thought, anyway.  but i didn't see it as i closed in on Western Reserve.  so i pulled into a Wendy's and put it in my phone's GPS.  and it led me to the center of the intersection of South and Western Reserve.  and i went past WR and didn't see anything.  and i came back across and didn't see anything, and despite my initial plan to get there early, i ended up being a few minutes late.  but i got to interview anyway, apologized sincerely and often and was there for an hour.

flash forward to going to see my sponsor.  i didn't go back immediately after the last time because i'd been under the weather.  i went to Big Lots, and went into the Little Greek but it seemed pricey and pretentious so i went to a Chinese buffet instead.  i texted my sponsor from there, and he confirmed he'd be at home and i was welcome to visit.  when i got there, the hospital was just delivering his oxygen tanks.  he looked very worn down, very tired.  he talked, he always talks.  talked to the guy delivering the tanks, talked politics to him, talked to me the entire time.  i stayed a little over an hour, but his place has a very relaxing vibe, a sleep vibe is the best way i can describe it.  i got the numbers that he asked me to play for him, and as i stood before him, i noticed the urinal bottle next to his chair.  i went to the restroom, and when i came out, he was just putting the urinal bottle away.  it was not empty before.  and i realized, he very well may be using it instead of rising and going to the bathroom, which is about 10 feet away from where he sits.  and it made me very sad, realizing that he may just not have the energy to move so much.  he doesn't get out much anymore.  and things happen, and people slowly go away, and its always sad, right?  i thought about meeting him, with a head full of hair processed in Jheri curls and a gray 3 piece suit, driving a gray Eldorado.  now he looks...old.  and i know he is, and i am and my parents are.  but it made me sad.

and then, the cherry on the sundae.

i rode past i don't know how many places where i could have played my sponsor's numbers.  i chose the gas station by the McD's up from CCA where i worked a couple months ago.  passing Princeton, i noticed the car that had been in Rachel's mom's driveway was gone.

as i went to park next to a car, i noticed on the other side of the car was Rachel's mother's car, and I saw Rachel's eldest daughter coming from the station, so i realized that must be Rachel in the passenger seat.  i didn't get out of my car.  i waited until her daughter got in the car and they backed out and were leaving before i got out to go into the store.  i played his numbers, got a diet iced tea and resumed my sojourn home.  but the entirety of my energy was gone.  i had nothing left after that, and couldn't even pretend that i did.  i talked to Lonnie, but i was aware of my mind swimming.  i got back to my house and i sat in the driveway for a bit, thinking.  i went to hook up my computer, but i couldn't get it working and knew i'd need Lonnie's help.

now, mind you, this morning, i finished writing a song,  i shaved and showered.  i laid one vocal track.  i went to the store and picked up the adapter i needed and the keyboard for my mom's desktop computer.  i did the things i had to do in a good fashion.  this evening?  i had a grilled chicken and cheese sandwich and a can of soup because i lack the energy to be more creative or to cook for myself, and i lack the motivation to leave this house to go find food.  i feel depleted.  and it will pass.  i have counseling tomorrow.  i did not try to talk to her.  i have made progress and i have not surrendered much of it.  i hope.  but right now, i feel like a sailboat stuck in the middle of the ocean, with a perfectly blue sky overhead and not a ripple on the surface of the sea.  just floating, and no direction.

but i'm grateful.  i know she's okay.  i know she's alive, anyway.  better than i can say about Deja or Syd at this moment.  we take the blessings we get and we say thanks.

consistently inconsiderate (an assessment)

there was a time when i was sociopathic in an obvious way.  what i mean by that is, i didn't really consider anyone else's feeling, problems or preferences; i only acknowledged my supreme right to do whatever the fuck i wanted to do, and if i couldn't coerce you into agreement with that, then i ignored you or i ridiculed you.  that was how i acted...or reacted.  in truth, it was a defense program running on automatic and gone awry without me noticing it, because i was the program and the engineer.  i was a person who was fearful of everything from an early age, and i was imbued with the heavy expectations of my parents and family as well.  insecurity with a need to please and low self-esteem with the burden of high expectation.  so i had a lot of schisms in my personality to begin with, and no way to bring them all together...until i stopped allowing myself to care about others at all.  the greatest irony in that was how much i truly loved people, how much i genuinely loved to have company and friends and shit.  i loved family.  i loved the dynamic of getting together in common bonds and blood to participate in each other's lives.  but i always felt undeserving, unless i was performing.  and eventually, the performance became a resentment and the resentment became a reaction, and there you go. 

a friend, Mike, whom i no longer have contact with (whole different story, not of my doing) summed it up perfectly one day.  he told me, "You are consistently inconsiderate."  i took umbrage at that at the time he said it.  but i thought about it.  the really good things are the ones that make you stop, that give you pause and make you reflect.  'consistently inconsiderate' is clever and cutting, and it got through to me.  i hurt people, sure, but more to the point, my word meant nothing at all.  i would give it to get what i wanted, and then i would break it as soon as i got what i desired.  and that was both in and out of the program.  and at that point, at that moment in my life, i began to work on becoming consistently CONSIDERATE, consistently CONSISTENT.  to be thoughtful and to create a word of great value in connection to me.  it took time.  it's taken a long time and it has to be maintained and adjusted constantly.  but i don't mind, because i like this person today.  most days i even love this Tim.  but not all days.  and i guess that's what this starts out as today. 

i'm about to leave, going to a job interview.  had one yesterday, but i didn't take it, because it was for labor and i'm not doing that anymore.  i don't know if i'll get this one, but if it's God's will i will, and if i don't God's got something else in store for me.  thing is, i need to go see my sponsor as well.  and at some point, i need to drop Heather a letter, even if i don't go see her.  and i need to start working on the wallpaper up on my second floor, start getting these walls stripped.  i try to make more calls, send more 'good morning' texts now.  i don't always feel like it.  people are not very responsive anymore.  the world has become as i was, completely sociopathic, and individuals get infected without knowing it.  life becomes more important than the elements that make life worth living.  but if i just stop, isolate, burrow deep and brood, then i'll be in suicide mode all over again.  and i don't want that. 

today i got up and said a sleepy prayer and nodded in and out.  today i had a bacon and egg sandwich on wheat toast, i took my shower and shaved my head and face, and i'm dressed.  today i read from John and Luke, and my meditation book, and i emailed my old boss from CCA last night to inquire how her son is liking school, he having just started in kindergarten this year.  today i'm going to this interview.  i want to stop at Ollie's for some things i need, and i want to see my sponsor.  today i want to have a nice salad and some soup for dinner, as i need more roughage and less carbs in my life. 

but mostly, today i want to remember that i am of value to myself, and therefore i have value to others, whether they realize it or not.  their realization is not important;  what matters is that i know i am worth quite a bit to myself.  because that has to be the consistently consistent thing.  it allows for consideration of others.  and it keeps both the sociopathy and the suicidal tendencies at bay.  nothing i've done of myself; all praise to my Father, and i give thanks and head out to do the day. 

like a drunk...

how does the day move?  how does time sometimes creep, as if it were drunk and trying hard not to appear to be, and sometimes run as if it were in an NFL combine wanting to secure a position right out of college?  this has been one of those days, and it's not bad by any stretch, but it has been shifting gears beneath my feet and i feel as if i'm not caught up quite yet.

just quick on the update.  i did go to the interview at Aaron's rental, but it was for a delivery guy, and i thanks but no thanks right quick so as not to take any more time from the dude than necessary.  not going to punish myself with tasks that will hurt me anymore.  don't have to prove anything to myself.

the keyboard i got for my mother's computer is in, but my adapter for my new keyboard/keyboard is not, so i will wait until tomorrow to pick up both.

i thought about Rachel most of the day and still am.  missing her?  you betcha.  running to her side of town?  no.

had dinner, finished the steak and cabbage and smashed taters from a few days ago.  going to do dishes.  finished getting coffee pot ready for the morning. interview tomorrow morning at eleven.  so, that's how i'm going to get rolling if i'm blessed to get moving in the morning.

i am blessed now, and i am grateful to God right this moment, and now i'm going to shower and shave and be ready to roll tomorrow.  good night.

bad milk

...a weak excuse, to be sure, but at least i have an excuse.  yesterday evening, i drank a glass of milk with a slice of pie, and realized after it was gone (and i noticed the thickish film on the sides of my cup) that it had gone over.  now, one discovery that i'm making more frequently is that things that used to have a definite and fixed expiration point no longer have, many of them anyway.  eggs seem to last forever.  bread in the refrigerator can last for a very long time.  and milk, apparently, can go much longer than it used to.  and that is kind of scary in itself.  but i drank a glass, and it tasted kind of flat, is all i can say, but in the end, i finished it and poured the rest from the carton and waited for the nausea or stomach rejection to begin, or the diarrhea to start.  none of which, i'm glad to say, have occurred.  so, the update.

i did the things i'd set out to do yesterday.  i went to my doctor's appointment, went to get bloodwork started for my kidney doctor appointment on monday coming up, went to my parent's house, made the cabbage casserole for my mom, went to lunch with Lonnie, came home and napped and put the bed in the guest room together.  i had soup and a chicken sandwich for dinner, and i've already stated what dessert was. 

i can say that yesterday was very contemplative, that i spent a lot of it reflecting.  i can say that i was disappointed that the waitress i wanted to see at the place Lonnie and i went for lunch wasn't there.  i can say that i am looking more closely at what things i am doing in the course of a day, rather than looking at the things that i am not getting done, because this progress has only me to acknowledge or condemn for seeming lack of, and i'm tired of being so hard on myself. 

today i got up early and said my prayers, and i may actually shut it down for a bit.  i have had breakfast, read scripture and meditation book and taken my meds.  i've got an interview this afternoon, but i likely won't take the job if offered.  i have to go to the bank, and i'm going to stop at my parent's house for a bit.  pretty much the long and short of it.  other things may arise, but i will take this day one thing at a time.  meeting at noon.  working on editing one of my manuscripts.  just doing the day, i imagine.  that's good enough for a Wednesday.

thank you, Jehovah, for another day of life. 

unfolding

the days are moving, and that is a blessing.  winter is coming, regardless of the warm, warm days.  you can smell it in the sweet decay of fallen leaves and the gold-brown-red hues of the trees trying desperately to shield their inevitable nakedness.  you can feel it in the air, the undertone of chill that your bones are already preparing for, if you are from the mid-west or have lived here for any length of time.  the days are moving, the seasons are changing, and life is going on.  that's a good thing; that is truly a blessing.

looking back through pictures of earlier summer.  things were already changing, and the horror of that kind of change is knowing it's happening, but being unable to do anything about it.  you can't really act decisively on a hunch.  you just can't, it's not right.  but i knew.  too many times of confrontations for no reason.  too many times of having to bite my tongue, knowing that my anger was a hand grenade ready to blow things to bits, anger born from confusion as to why good was never good enough.  times of not being able to get close, for fear of either bringing more fissures to her demeanor or of being cut by her sharp edges.  anytime you're in a situation where you have to compromise who you are to maintain where you're at, change is happening, and it's not good.

this picture was taken by Rachel, as i had asked her to help me, to take author pictures, as i was trying to get my head wrapped around jump-starting my publishing activities again.  it wasn't going to happen, and she did try, i take nothing away.  but it wasn't time.  i was in a strange place, unable to get back to the Tim that does the things that makes books and flyers and poetry and music and stuff.  i think the hardest part was, i knew she wasn't able to have my back, as she was having so much trouble having her own.  but that's WANT, and want is not the best thing to base a relationship on.

regardless, i have looked at her pictures today, and realize my feelings haven't changed one iota, but my sighs are not as deep, and my withdrawal symptoms are minimal now.  i did a lot today.  i went to the store and got some needed things, i visited my parents, i had a conversation of enlightenment with Keith, i made my mom coffee, i made a potato broccoli cheddar soup in my crock pot.  i repaired my toilet.  i had a call to set up an interview on Thursday.  i put in more applications.  i went walking this afternoon.  i did stuff that needed to be done, and i didn't just lay around the house, though i felt like doing exactly that.

there is a tomorrow on the horizon.  if i should be blessed with awakening in the morning, i intend to go to my doctor's appointment in Warren, go to my kidney doctor's office after to get blood drawn for an appointment next week, pick up these tickets at Stambaugh, perhaps make this casserole for my mother, go to lunch with or without Lonnie, see if i can find the other props i need for this opening shot for the video for "Everytime the Phone Rings", and generally do things to keep me feeling human and to keep feeding my spirit.  that's the deal right now.  that's survival.  and i do know how to get by.

autumn is approaching.  i'd wanted us to go to California this winter.  i would have worked and saved and made plans toward that.  but i was not going to honor a plan to do something with someone who had definite business somewhere else.  doesn't change how i feel.  just makes it clearer that if you keep walking knowing the bridge is out, you have no one but yourself to blame if you fall in the water.

thank you, Jehovah, for moving me through this day.

Sunday Repose

i have no idea what happened yesterday.  perhaps i went too early into sleep, or perhaps it just slipped my mind, but either way, it's going to get done today.

it was actually a productive day, and yet it was very low-key.  i got up, refreshed my coffee and started the pot and fell back to sleep after my prayer.  i woke up some time later, got up and got the day started.  i'd laid out my plans for the day beforehand so i had a good idea of what i was doing.
yesterday i got my bills paid, so that was done, and i knew i had to get some things from the store, so that went onto my list.  when i finished my breakfast, i lazed for a brief period and then got started.  i finally got around to taking a bath in the old claw foot tub.  have to say, it's better in memory than it is in person.  one of the problems is...it's so damn small.  i was slightly scrunched to get in it  the other thing is, it is actually a bit intimidating to me as an older person.  like, you have to step up to get into a tub that sits on legs (claw FEET), and you have to step down further than you might be accustomed to.  so it was interesting, but that ain't gonna be happening no more.  but i got a bath in, and i got clothes gathered and i washed a load.  i talked to my mom and to C and to Lonnie and i scrubbed my mattresses upstairs so tomorrow i can put the guest bed together.  progress.

i went to the store, got some things for my dinner and pie and ice cream for dessert.  i came back home, had a sandwich and dried my clothes i sat outside for a bit, got my clothes finished and hung up and put away.  i made my dinner, loving the steak in the iron skillet.  had some dessert, got my kitchen cleaned, my coffee ready for the morning and i've been chilling since.

it's been nice weather the last several days, but i'm not fooled.  this is dangerous weather, weather than can leave you hacking and stuffed up without mercy.  i'm trying to stay careful, but you can't really prepare for that.  i also put in some applications, because no one egg in one basket can be called an omelet.

tomorrow the plan is to put the bed together, get parts for my toilets, get some groceries that are needed for general use, get to Stambaugh and pick up these tickets, and get a walk in.  i have nothing further than that, except perhaps a visit to my parents.  learning that simplicity is not bad, and not having an overwhelming amount of things to do is called relief, not lack of a life.  i still miss her, but i'm getting along.  i thank Jehovah for a full and peaceful day.

things to do:
put in some more applications (can't put all eggs in one basket)
get upstairs finished, far as cleaning and sorting what i've got and what i need
pay my bills!!!!!
stop obsessing about doing writing or editing or composing...it will come when it comes.
remain grateful...i am blessed.

it's evening, Friday.  it's been a good day, though not especially eventful.  i've had a full enough day, though i do believe i will have to start forcing a bit more structure in areas that are not listed above.  that's going to be kind of important in the days to come.  but for now...

i woke up and actually had a pretty good sleep.  its important to note that, because it started out all rough.  i've been looking for the equation that would allow me to rest, and feeling the emotional effects of night after night of broken sleep and not being able to fully go under.  last night i tried turning off the light for the first time.  at first it didn't work, but laying on my back did take the pressure off the bladder.  then, i re-made my bed, fluffed my pillows, found a better video to sleep to and laid it back down on my back.  i felt myself going under and coming back up, but it was starting to take hold.  finally i felt the chill in the night air, wrapped in my comforter and was out like a light, like THE light, until morning.  it was such a relief to know that i could.

so i got up and said my prayer, made my coffee, did my readings and my medicine and had breakfast.  i'd planned on going to my parent's house so i didn't dawdle too much, but i didn't rush either.  i got to the house about nine or so, and i helped my mom pay her bills, i got the flyers done for our anniversary meeting, i sent the info about the donation can to S and i updated my mother's laptop.  i had lunch with her, though i forgot to bring the casserole i had for her, and then i came back here.  first i stopped at Aldi's as i had to get some things i needed for my dinner.

once home, i didn't do much.  i'm still in the lethargy of this new reality, but i'm realizing i don't need to rush through anything.  i am in a new skin, so to speak.  who is this Tim?  who is this person with no Rachel?  haven't known him in a lot of years now.  who is this Tim with no Syd?  haven't known him in over 18 years, and i know i was a different motherfucker 2 decades ago.  who is this Tim in a house by himself?  who is this Tim?  i don't know.  i have the blueprint, drawn up through the past 49 years.  but i have no idea how the construction turns out, and pretending everything is the same is stupid.  so i have to be patient with myself, i have to take my time, learn me, do things, and experience this skin.  that's the only way i'm going to know, get comfortable, and find my muse.  no big deal.

i need to order my adapter for my keyboard.  i need to get a steam cleaner so i can clean my guest bed, my couch and my bedroom rug.  i need to get back on the hunt for a 9x12 area rug so i can get my color scheme for the living room.  but i need to take it a day at a time.  and i need to remain grateful; i am blessed, and i am cared for.  and i need to keep that in front of my eyes.

hurting a little

it's almost three.  i'm back in from doing my application for the 911 call center.  a long process, made longer by this town's lack of parking and surplus of ambition.  doesn't matter, it's done.  knee is killing me, don't know what that's about.  maybe arthritis, maybe gout.  sick of not knowing, but took two Tylenol and hoping that will dim it down some.  that is about the end of the day for me, i can say.

got up before 5am alarm, since sleep didn't come too well.  had a burger with an egg on it for breakfast after prayer, meditation, medications.  took a shower, shaved my head and got it together to roll out.  Lonnie picked me up, i hung at his office for about an hour and he took me to the police department to do the app.

i'm on my bed.  going to try to nap, really hoping that happens.  had lunch with Lonnie and talked a bit.  want to do some other stuff, but i'm really tired.  hope i can get to sleep.  thank you, Father, for the day so far.

trip, trap, trip, trap...

yeah, wednesday winding down.  going to be a beast tomorrow, just because it's that kind of pre-vibe.  but we're going to deal with it, because the day will happen with or without us, but without us, we miss the good things that are in store for us.  so we're going to jump on in, get wet, get busy.  it was a good day today.

i started this update earlier, so this may cover tomorrow but i intend to stay on point.  after i got it moving, by which i mean coffee in me and prayers out of me, i had decided to forego breakfast.  partly because i'm trying to get a handle on eating when hungry and tempering my meals.  but the other reason is weight that i've put on during the recent depression, and i need to deal with that.  to that effect, i'd planned on doing some walking today.

when i walk before my meeting, i get there early.  i park and get out and check the time and then i walk.  straight up Rush Blvd, for fifteen minutes.  it usually takes me to the light halfway between Indianola and Midlothian.  then i turn around and walk back.  i learned today that constitutes 1.9 miles, a good walk.  and today, S had texted me and said she wanted to walk with me. so i had company for my walk.  but i also had to accommodate the change in data, and that always takes me out of focus to an extent.  saying that to say, i left out without my wallet today.  but i got through it.

the meeting was good, we had a decent turnout, have a lead for next week, and i had lunch with Lonnie after i came home to get my wallet.  new place, as we're still looking for a new standby.  i dug it but Lonnie didn't get good stuff and wasn't happy.  after i dropped him back at work, i went to the store and got a head of broccoli (or is it a bunch?) and some chicken broth, as i'd planned to make a chicken and rice casserole.  it turned out good, and my dad came by and we had a talk.  funny how he can stay on point and his memory is good with the thing he wants to focus on, but he can't remember to throw away an ice cream container.  but aging is aging, we'll all do it, and we are all doing it daily, from the youngest person on up.

anyway, i ate dinner, and now i have to do some prep stuff that should have been done before now  tomorrow i go to do this application for the 911 call center.  i am going to be there for hours.  i have to get my information straight, as much as i can.  i'm about to take a shower, and i'm going to shave tonight.  i'm going to gather my job information and store it in my phone.  history, addresses, numbers i can find.  they ask all this stuff.  i'm going to get all my numbers together, contact people for references, and i'm going to log that too.  everything on one page would be best.  and i'm going to try to be ready so that if possible i can cut down the time i have to be there.  Lonnie's going to take me, as i can't park at a meter if i'm going to be there for 4 hours.  but i remember doing that last time, just can't take a chance.

the picture on the top is from the story 'The Billy Goats Gruff'.  when i was a kid, or more to the point, when i was a teenager, i came to identify with the troll under the bridge in the story.  living my life in my parent's basement, i felt very much like a monster, always under foot, waiting to snatch someone and do them some harm.  it was low self-esteem with delusions of grandeur, a volatile combination to be sure.  i am glad, looking back, that i no longer feel that way.  and i like to remember that i am journeying, that this is the purpose of logging everything.  amends have to be made, life has to be lived and lessons have to be learned.  i am thankful to Jehovah for all the blessings.  and i'm going to wrap it up now.

Wednesday before coffee

getting this done early, as i'm not sure what the day is going to bring.  it's wednesday.  i got sleep, not as broken but the urge to piss is not going to ever go away, i fear.  i have realized of late that the thoughts of Rachel are not as prominent or prevalent as they'd been for quite some time.  i don't feel any less love for her, but i realize there's likely no chance of anything except a happenstance encounter between us in the near future, and that won't result in any reunion.  not that it's not possible;  I am just not the voice that has any sway in her decision making.  and those voices are still very much in her life.  so, i guess the thing i'm doing is moving on.  and that's not a bad thing, i don't believe.

today is my meeting.  today i have to find an old smart phone that holds a charge, since mine has disappeared and i need the apps to do my music.  today i need to pay my bills.  today i want to try a bath in the clawfoot tub upstairs.  dig if you will a picture, eh?  and today i'm grateful to have awakened.

i made my mom salmon patties yesterday, and baked her a potato in the microwave.  i had gone by to get my meds and found she didn't have anything to eat.  my dad is getting worse, though he won't admit it.  something is going on with him; he sat in the living room eating ice cream the night before and left the empty container and lid on the living room floor.  then he left the freezer open and most of the shit in there thawed.  i don't know what is going on, his 'left hand don't know what the right hand is doing' bullshit is still operational, and still more detrimental as time goes on.

got my paperwork for Thursday.  just have to get a list of my references and their information, and get my job list together.  they won't find any more now than they did before, but whatever they find, i hope it is sufficient for me to be hired for this position.  that would be good.  i was going to say that would make everything perfect, but that's not true.  perfection does not belong to me or any situation.  it will be a blessing if it happens and prayers will accomplish more than ego will.

thank you, Father, for sleep and awakening.

Forgotten Day

...not the biggest deal, to be sure.  but still, consistency has been increasing, and i'd very much like to stay on top of things, especially as things continue to develop as they've been.  so, for the missed day yesterday, let's get right with it.

i did get up constructive yesterday.  i slept pretty good, though i have to still maintain a 'coffee in the morning only' policy as i get older or sleep is just a sham by nightfall.  i said my prayers, i got up and started my coffee, i read my scriptures, quite a few in Acts, and my meditation book.  i didn't eat breakfast, as i was trying to get to my parent's house early in case what i needed wasn't there.

i got dressed and took off, got to my parent's house.  i made coffee for my mother, made breakfast for both my parents, talked to my mom for a few and then went up to the attic to try to find my documents.  i brought them from the apartment with me, my high school transcript and my birth certificate, but i couldn't find them in my car.  i didn't locate them at my parent's house either, so i went to the vital statistics on Oak Hill and got a copy of my b.c., and then i went to East and got my transcript.  now i'm ready for this 911 application on Thursday.

when i finished retrieving my documents, i went to the store to get some things to fix myself a good lunch and came home.  my brother was right behind me, he picked up some scrap and then he came to visit.  we talked for a bit, and he went on his way.  i rested for a bit, then i decided to be a bit more constructive than that.

i swept the rug in my sleeping area.  i swept the living room floor.  i swept and mopped my kitchen, the breezeway between the living room and the kitchen, and my downstairs bathroom floor.  i washed and dried a load of clothes and took a clothes basket upstairs.  i made more fish for dinner, with the remains of a baked potato and broccoli and cheddar stuffing it.  i had ice cream and cookies for dessert, and i slept better.

today i got up and said my prayer.  i didn't have as much on my plate but i had some things, and there was some emotional bleedover from Monday.  probably should address that now.

as i was coming from the attic Monday morning, my dad stopped me, to 'talk'.  he asked me if, though he asked me for $100 a month (and, by the way, said he'd forego the rent until i was 'back on my feet', whatever that meant), i would be willing to pay him more 'when i could'.  i was instantly irritated, because lately this has been the nature of our interaction with each other.  i don't know where he's coming from, and i don't know who's got his ear bent and his nose open.  but i do know that he's been coming at me sideways in a bunch of different ways and it's getting pretty damn annoying.  i told him that i had a lot of things going on, that this seemed like something unimportant to just bring up.  i told him that i was going on what he told me i should pay, that this was his idea.  he said that it was just the other people living here paid more, and i told him i'm not them.  i told him i'm the only one so far who's been trying to work on bettering the property.  he agreed with this, but his mind wasn't changing.  i asked him what would be the consideration, if we were changing the parameters, for the work that i've put in and would be putting in, and at the mention of a 'consideration for services', he dropped the topic.
then, later in the day, he called me to tell me he would be using the table in the basement where my computer used to be to do his stuff, since i took the table in the attic.  i informed him i took nothing from the attic except my clothes, and that the table in the basement was his and i had nothing to do with what he did with it.  at some point in the near future, possibly this afternoon, he and i are going to clear the air on some of this stuff.  it has become a necessity.  i can't do the signifying, the passive sniping or the conversations in secret that lead to these strange conversations.  it doesn't seem to be necessary for me and not in my best interest at all.

anyway, today.  i prayed, had coffee, did my readings, ate breakfast (potatoes, eggs, sausage and a piece of toast), took my clothes upstairs, hung up stuff and put stuff in drawers, shaved, took a shower and went north.  i visited my parents, picked up my keyboard which came yesterday, asked about my meds, which hadn't arrived yet, watched some television and then left.  i came home, made myself some lunch (breakfast was SUPER early today, as i slept better but not longer), and have been chilling since.  i got word from my mom that my meds have come in, so i'm going to pick them up after i finish this.  i'd planned on taking myself to dinner today, and that's just what i'm going to do.  i have to find an adapter for my keyboard, was afraid that might be the case, but it's cool.  just an additional step along the way.  i am going to get trash gathered and out, take my ass to get my medicine, see if my dad is home and try to have some words with him, and then i'm coming home.  tomorrow is a meeting and just trying to take it slow to be ready for this 4 hour process on Thursday.  i am blessed and grateful to God for that fact.

the next phase...

Summer attempts to steal back under the radar, after the hurricanes.  a warm day, a Sunday, and things are moving with the sullenness of a July day...except it's the middle of September.  it's okay though.  a day of contemplation, of thought and desire, of looking ahead and thinking behind and realizing that change has been occurring and shall continue to occur, because that's what the universe does...it facilitates change, and like a man waiting for the bus, he can either get on and ride the change...get left behind and have to wait for the change to come around again...or stand in the way of change and get run over.  take your pick, pretty much.

today i think i've forgotten my nighttime dose of the antibiotic.  i am not going to get up and take it.  i'll start again in the morning and finish the bottle in 11 days rather than 10.  but i got up and i took it after my prayer.  i read several scriptures, i read a meditation book, i messed around on the computer, i had steak and eggs for breakfast, i realized i'm putting on weight again as i couldn't' fit comfortably into the shirt i got for my birthday, i showered and lotioned and washed my dishes and i made my way to my meeting.

the meeting was okay, the story was 'Our Southern Gentleman', one of my favorites.  a person was there that i don't care for, and i thought about turning around and going home, but i knew that would be the wrong thing to do so i stayed anyway.  i have to remember that the universe does not revolve around me, and that judging someone for thinking the universe revolves around them is pretty fucked up.

after the meeting my friend Marc came over and snaked out the toilet, which seems now to be flushing like a toilet champ.  that makes me happy.  we talked for a bit, and then he left and i cooked my early dinner, perch and cabbage and potatoes with peppers and onions.  i had a small cheesecake for dessert, and a spoonful of peanut butter later.  i talked to Lonnie finally, and i went to my car to excavate the trunk some, but my personal papers aren't in there.  i have to look at my parent's house in the morning, but likely i'm just going to have to go to the school and to the vital statistics department to get replacements for my application/interview on Thursday.  after that, i talked to C for about 2 hours, a ranging conversation that i actually appreciate.  thing is, despite our history, she's always been one person who gave a fuck as to how i am doing at any given time.  that could be a personality flaw on her part; it could be just her good nature is what i mean to say.  she has wounds, and don't we all?  but there are damn few people reaching in, and to have someone who has always been willing to...i think that means something.  so i enjoy talking to her, and i think that's okay.  i don't hear from De'ja, i don't hear from Syd, i miss Rachel but haven't heard from her either.  Lonnie bears the entire burden of my friendship, my counselor is the keeper of my secrets (if i had any) and i've lacked more involvement from other humans.  i'm working on it, but it's good to know someone is willing to be around a bit.

tomorrow.  the blueprint is in place.  the rest is just a matter of putting the day, should i be blessed with awakening, into Jehovah's hands.  i am grateful HIS hands encompass so much.

Order from Chaos

you can only begin with what you have, physically speaking.  you can want, you can need, you can desire or covet or crave, but you start with what is within your reach, what is in your possession.  and you build from there, and you take elements from all of the things you CAN do before you have access to those things, and the thing you have begun to work on begins its process of becoming.  that is everything.  it's how things happen.  that's what i'm learning now.

i got up today and turned on my coffee pot.  the pain in my hands and feet are gone, but the stitch in my back is still ever present.  i said my prayer, went into the kitchen, lit incense, got some water, took insulin and medicine and my antibiotic and read my bible scripture and meditation book.  i was going to roll out for breakfast but decided to chill and do it at home, especially after finding i lost half a chicken in the drought.  i baked my last 2 sausages, ate one with 2 scrambled eggs and grits made from chicken broth.  had coffee and water, cleaned my mess and put things away and lazily began the process of heading across town.

i called my mother to see how she was doing and told her i'd be there shortly.  i got dressed, got my stuff and went north.  i parked behind her car at the back of the driveway so i could load my computer stuff easier.  i made my mom coffee, watched some Rifleman and talked to her when she came out of the bathroom.  then i went downstairs to dismantle my PC.

i'd asked Josh, Lonnie's son, to come and help me again today, but i realized that i was thinking of the task of doing the computer from an old man's perspective, thinking about the HUUUUGE tower and the HUUUUGE monitors.  i got all my actual computer stuff in one box, and my wires and plug in stuff in a freezer bag inside a shopping bag.  i went back up, spoke to my mother and told her i'd be on my way shortly.  had to push my ethernet cable through the floor and roll it up in the basement, but i got it done and went to Walmart to pick up some odds and ends, then i came home.

not long after i got here, my dad called to say he and TS were coming by so she could finish painting.  i was quickly annoyed but pushed that down and just said 'okay'.  they came by, he came in to use the bathroom and take his pills.  he dropped one on the floor, and i couldn't find it though i found it this evening.  Josh came by, and i told him i'd done most of what i wanted him for and told him of my old man vision.  he helped me anyway, and i bought him lunch from the food truck down the street.  i offered to buy TS something but she said no.

so, it's going on 9pm.  i'm in bed.  had a sandwich and a few chips.  took my last antibiotic.  i am not structured yet, but i'm ready for structure, as ready as i'm going to get.  what comes tomorrow?  meeting, perhaps.  probably.  taking some more things out of my car.  locating paperwork for Thursday.  set up the bedframe in the spare room upstairs.  cook dinner.  i don't know exactly.  but i know i'm moving in a good direction.  i know i'm feeling better.  i know i'm ready for some sleep and i know that i'm truly grateful for whatever the day may bring.  i know it was nice to see human faces, to talk to some friends over the last couple days, and to know how resilient my family can be.  i'm grateful to my God for all the blessings, and i know i will keep moving forward if i remember to stay grateful.

It Moves as It Moves...

I am coming along, the house is coming along, and there is something akin to peace finally beginning to coalesce again within my heart.  i am not complaining at all.  why should I?  when you know you are being blessed, accept the blessing and try to act in a way as to be worthy of it.  that's the lesson of today for me anyway.

this is my countertop.  the microwave was a purchase yesterday.  i had to edit, or thought i did, because i was given a spectacular microwave at the end of last year by my counselor and it went with my other things during the fallout over the spring/summer of this year.  and i had to confess this to her today, and that didn't feel good, but it did in a way...because a life where you can't speak truth is a life of continuous lies.  and when you think about it that way...what kind of life is it?

so i got up, just about six, a little after.  went to the bathroom and turned on my coffee pot.  i was still in the grip of a gabapentin, so i was slow rousing.  very slow, as i didn't realize i hadn't set up my pot the night before until something took me back into the kitchen.  but i got that rectified, got coffee on, said prayer, sat at the table and read my scripture and meditation and took my meds.  insulin as well, and sugar was good this morning.  i took the screens out of my sinks upstairs and down and cleaned them with CLR and i knocked the loose gunk out of them.  i replaced them, then i went to take my shower.  i'd drank 2 cups of coffee and didn't have time to make breakfast.  called my mother on my way to counseling to let her know i'd be by afterward, stopped at Taco Bell to get something quick and then i went to counseling.  it was nice not to be all doom and gloom, as i've been lately.

from counseling i went to Big Lots and got some light bulbs and some sundry stuff that i've needed.  i'm still waiting for my last deposit from CCA, but i have enough for what i need and am not suffering anything at all at the moment.  i talked to Lonnie while i was in Niles and we decided to go to lunch.  went to the DeYor, good fish lunch, cute waitress, and i took Lonnie back to work and came home.

i've installed the bulbs that i wanted to at this time.  i'm going to hit the DG up the street tomorrow for some cheap, plentiful bulbs for the kitchen sink light and the bathroom mirror lights.  i've got to get my computer here and set up tomorrow, get my office done.  i'm going to finish storyboarding the video for 'Everytime The Phone Rings', as I'd like to shoot it before the month is out and get it edited and posted.  i'm ready to write.  i'm ready to DO.  i miss the hell out of Rachel, but i don't miss ME so much anymore, because i feel more here.  that's the best thing.  I thank my Father Jehovah God for helping me heal and helping me sing again.

Some things

you have to just take it as it comes sometimes.  you can't force a boulder through a buttonhole, no matter how much you want to...or even no matter why.  but thing about time is, given enough of it, anything happens the way it's supposed to.  time tends to the details of human life in ways that all the force and want and pushing and shoving can't attain.  and i know this, but the disillusionment still comes at times.  it's okay.  being human sucks, and sometimes it doesn't.

so, that is my first solo dinner here at Chez Tomas.  Nice ribeye, marinated and pan fried to medium perfection smothered in onions and mushrooms, with some nice sauteed red cabbage and onions and a baked potato.  good ginger ale on the side, pie and ice cream for dessert.  i couldn't even finish it all.  and i was thankful and i prayed before i ate.  i'm putting that prayer back into place, and need to start praying at night as well.  just time to start letting gratitude have more gas than lip service, you know?

i got up this morning, didn't sleep as well as i did the night before but that's due to an overabundance of coffee.  but i got up, got my readings and my prayer, had my meds and my breakfast, and i went to the parent's house to check on things.  i made coffee for my mom and made her an omelet as well.  i got a cup and measured out and marked where the water for her c-pap would come to so she can have an easier time when she has to fill it herself.  but i did fill it for her.  i also gathered clothes and hit a flea market.  it's nice to see things and know where they belong when i  see them.  i talked to my dad and my aunt, and called to check on my brother on my way back east.

when i got home i brought some things in the house.  i had stopped at the store for some wood glue and i've done a repair on the rocking chair.  i got some CLR to clean out my downstairs toilet so maybe it will flush like it's got some sense, and i got some nails and put the leg back on my table.  along with the cushions i got from the yard sale, that's one piece my brother left me that is finished.  

i have to say, learning is a strange thing.  yesterday i talked about Rachel, and about a woman at the meeting who physically reminded me of her, though it was likely just my imagination.  but as i finish the rocking chair and sit it in the corner, i don't really see Rachel in it.  and that makes me kind of sad.  it's like a little thing i found today.  it's a silver bell that's shaped like a dolphin, which is TF's thing.  and i said good morning in a text, but i got no response.  for all i know her phone is off again, but i'm not calling her.  i sent a text just because i am doing some better and felt its time to reach back out again  but maybe that dolphin bell is all i need of her here.  not saying anyone would be disinvited, but you can't lean on a person forever, and no person wants someone just leaning on them all the time.

here's a thought, though.  we're a culture that is inundated with overused and barely comprehended cliche.  way overdone.  like the whole thing of leaving a relationship and not looking back, you know?  "I don't look backwards."  and it sounds good.  but life is cyclical, not linear.  if you walk long enough, you come back to where you were before.  that's not going back; that's getting on with it.  Einstein hypothesized that if a man could stand on a tall enough mountain, he could look around the world and see the back of his own head.  life and nature are cyclical.  and this is something that is just hatching in my brain.

thank you, Father.

Good Day (so far...)

It's funny, to have a day that starts out so well that it scares you. That's how this day started for me however.

I got a good night's sleep last night, after I took meds and put on a relaxation video. I woke this morning, refreshed and ready for coffee. I read my Bible and my meditation book, and I said my prayer. I slowly moved through the day, acclimating myself to being in the house again. I made coffee, took my meds, used the bathroom, had breakfast, spoke to my mom, took a shower, got dressed, and went to the meeting. Everything is set up, and no one is here. Not unusual, still a bummer.

I've run by Rachel's house, saw a car in the driveway. The house on the Southside anyway. I hope that means she has Transportation now. I'm going to go to the store and pick up something to cook for dinner tonight.

I'm back at home now. I've been to the store, got a steak, red cabbage, and a potato to bake for dinner. I got something to drink. Got some other little things that came to my mind. I stopped on my way up the hill to get lunch from the food cart. After I ate, I prepped my dinner and have everything ready and in the fridge.

Thinking about Rachel. What I'm hoping, in all honesty, is that she's moving into what she needs to do for herself. I don't want that to sound Noble, I don't want it to sound grandiose either. I miss the fuck out of her. I would love to see her face. But she knows how to get in touch with me, and if she hasn't I hope that means she's doing what she needs to do. And if she is, that means I was deterring her from what she needed to do. So, I hope the house is coming together for her. I am blessed that the house is coming together for me. I'm going to have a good dinner, a good dessert, maybe even do some writing. I'm thankful to Jehovah. It has been a good day, so far.😜

Developments

...currently i'm lying on the bed in the front room of my house.  i'm not going to be here for long.  i was hoping to come in and find the water on, but no point to impatience, as it took them half a year to deal with my sister's delinquent account.  but, by God's grace and to my surprise, my sister actually paid off her water bill this morning, and i paid to have the water reconnected. and that is a good thing.

i'm going to leave soon, as i said.  i'm hurting today; i'm still taking the antibiotics, and i've been going through some amazing changes behind this shit.  i mean, hands and feet hurting, gout flare up, heavy use of my cane today.  but i'm moving and grooving, and i am grateful for that.

i'm going back to my parent's house, i'm going to cook them some dinner and i'm going to gather my meds and come back here this evening.  i need a night on a bed, i need some comfort, even if it comes with a gazillion bathroom breaks.  i just need one night, then maybe i can think again.  but i'm so very grateful, for my sister's keeping her word, for the funds to do what i need to do, for the back pain fromm the UTI alleviating slightly, for water that will be on soon and coffee and breakfast that can be made in the morning.  i'm grateful to Jehovah, and don't want to neglect saying so.  that is all.

sleep deprivation and other miseries...

pretty sure i'm going to the ER today.

last night was a study in misery for me.  the day itself was another wasted day, due to whatever this pain is in my back and this cold/flu that's not letting go. i feel pretty close to useless.  i did go retrieve mail from my house, check in on things, and i also went to get lunch for my mother and her cleaning person and myself.  but that was the extent of my outside activities.  i went back into feeling chills and aches, and my back never let up at all.

now, i've spent part of the night on the couch in the living room, which sadly is more comfortable than a futon but not much more so, twisted up, trying to find a space where the pain wouldn't be as great.  a discovery is that, when the pain flares, lower left back, i have to pee.  that got out of hand, and so i eventually did go upstairs because i didn't want to keep trying to find a comfortable space after getting up to go piss like every twenty minutes to a half hour.  just not my thing.

as well, i'm in just as much pain today, i'm in the process of a gout flare-up, i'm getting several cramps in my feet and legs.  i've prayed, taken my medicine and insulin and am washing clothes.  i've taken a bird bath, as i don't really feel that i can do a shower at this moment.  if i could get some indomecathin, that might help, as i'm beginning to feel this is more a UTI than anything else.

i just know i'm tired of it and need it to stop.  i've got a busy week ahead and need to be able to function in it.

more later?  possibly.  

blah

Not really sure what today was. I did get up, and I said my prayers as I stated earlier. I went to counseling, and it was a good session, but I was sick and not really feeling it at all. I came back to the house, watch some television and was in and out of sleep for a while. Rode out to pick up my dad, was in Richfield too long. Got back home, took more meds, my mom was cooking dinner. I ate, and now I'm back in bed. It was a long, uneventful day. I am grateful. I thank Jehovah, as it was a day of rest mostly. But I really want to get past this bug, whatever it is.

downgraded, but still formidible...

thing that gets me is, you can feel better and feel so much like shit still.  i remember snapping back from a cold or flu as if i'd never had any sickness at all.  now, its the gradual procession from being helpless to being miserable.  well, life is life, and getting older is it's own special experience.

today i got up and said my prayer and managed to get out of the bed.  the back pain is diminished, but not gone, and the feverish feeling is diminished, but i am of the runny nose and the couch and the stuffy head.  i took some cold meds and i'm about to take some more cold meds and i have to get a couple sweet potatoes and whatever protein my mother wants as far as dinner goes, and i'm going to have to go pick up my dad from Richfield in the afternoon as no one is there to bring him back from his conference.  i really need to put some time in on my house, but for what?  i'm just waiting for my sister's lie to manifest, and then i'm going to get out of the whole thing and move on to whatever is left for me to do in this world.  of course, perhaps she'll surprise me and pay her water bill and i can get the water turned on, get on with my life and we'll all be reasonably content.  stranger things have happened, though i doubt many.

anyway, i have no great plans for now.  getting shit together to roll out on Sunday, heading to Columbus for a brief period.  may postpone, as the preeminent thing is getting the water on.  more important by far than going to hang out in the captial city.  but we'll have to see.

i am weary, but i'm up.  i'm going to heat a cup of coffee, make some breakfast and get to counseling.  the day will go where it will, i will follow as i can, and i thank Jehovah for the privilege of life and shelter, which so many have lost and sorely need in this troubled world.

sick again

well, definitely not much to write today, just getting something down so i can get some consistency in.  just finished taking meds, i've had a touch of a bug for the past day, still on me.  slight fever, chills, aches, shakiness.  still the backache, though diminished some.  haven't done much of anything. did my meeting yesterday, going to be doing the anniversary meeting at the end of November again.  that's a good thing.  cooked turkey stew yesterday, thinking it wasn't a big hit, but i dug it and will be digging it again tonight. about to run out of here and get something real for breakfast.  hungry as fuck, don't want to go but i need some sustenance and all i've got here is eggs.  went to the store yesterday but wasn't up for a full shopping trip.  be's that way sometimes.

i am grateful for life, did start the day with prayer.  don't have much juice in me, so i'm moving conservatively right now.  later, maybe...

...been awhile, i know...

man, it's been mostly a pain, literally.  getting old is  a bitch.  i didn't mean to be off the recording of things for five days, but i've been compromised and have been failing in my attempts to convalesce.  not to mention i've been sort of stuck in limbo.  a recap would be most efficacious, so i'll go back to the 2nd and keep it moving from there.

that would be a Saturday, in which i had the conversation with my sister about the water bill at my home.  i asked her, in front of my parents, to take the account number down to the water department and take ownership for the bill, make payment arrangements or something.  she said she would and she apologized but i didn't get much sincerity from the gesture.

her arrival brought me back from my yard sailing, but it was okay as i'd found nothing of worth that day except a copy of 'The Tao of Pooh', one of my favorite philosophy books.  it was a rainy day, and it was chilly, but i was still on the hunt for needed things.  also, in the course of the day it became apparent that Syd was not going to follow up on her word to either break bread with me or to help me move some things over to my house, but i had no true expectations of either so there was no real sense of disappointment.

sunday took me to my meeting at the club, my CA meeting.  the chairperson was a woman i have a hard time dealing with, so i went inside to get through the meeting.  its funny;  people have no expectations of themselves, and therefore they accept anything that a person sets in front of them.  this woman has not changed at all.  she is manipulative, she is obvious, which to me is a sin; she is of a very low self-esteem and it is so evident only Ray Charles, grabbing Stevie Wonder's glasses by mistake, could miss it.  she says the exact same things now that she was saying when she first starting showing up at meetings, which is an indication there has been no growth.  and they continue to put her in front of a meeting and act as if she is working toward change.  now, all this is very judgmental on my part, and i admit it.  however, i don't say anything that i'm not willing to put work into.  i did try to help her, tried to get her started on working steps and making changes, and that only led to her feeling that she could control me as well.  so, i don't know for sure if i'll be going to the meeting on sunday, regardless of me giving my word to go.  i try not to do more things than i have to that i truly don't want to do anymore, and that would be at the pinnacle of my list.  also on sunday, i got my mother up so she could listen in on the services at the Kingdom Hall, and i tried to talk my father out of his plan to have Deedy paint the porch at my house, being that the water is shut off still.  but he doesn't listen to anything he really doesn't want to hear.

sunday night i confronted him about always bringing someone else's opinion of me to me in an accusatory way also.  apparently Deedy felt slighted because i didn't take her up on her offer to do work at my house, to help me get it together, and my nephew, the son of my sister who has derailed my progress, lied to my dad and said that i wasn't speaking to him, which is actually the opposite of the situation.  i corrected my dad's opinion and told him that any facts that anyone wants on why i do what i do, all they have to do is ask me.  i have no secrets.  and i broke both situations down for him.  but he is not the center of my life, and will not be.  and i know acceptance of that is problematic for him.

sunday was also the day i started with the hurt back shit.  my brother brought stuff he'd picked up on a job over to my house and put it on my porch, and i transferred it to the inside of the house where it would be safe.  then Lonnie came by later to help me change out my downstairs toilet seat, and that was a further strain on my back.  and i've been sore ever since.  getting old is a bitch, again.

monday, Labor Day, totally uneventful.  no plans to cook anything from my dad, no yard sailing, just laying around on steroid and acetaminophen, trying to stop hurting, and getting varying results.  i do believe that right now the biggest deterrent to my getting better is being back on that fucking lopsided futon, but i cannot sleep over at my house with my bathroom frequency at night.  not gonna happen.  so i check in from time to time and i've been here otherwise.  my mother got dinner for her and my dad from Bob Evans, and i picked up something from Taco Bell.  good times.

yesterday.  took my dad to his conference in Richfield.  no big deal there.  spent the day watching Law & Order and trying to get my back to stop hurting.  took two of my dad's low mg Tramadol, did nothing for the pain at all.  didn't think they would; Tramadol is a drug made to be abused.  you almost have to crush it and snort it or eat an entire handful to get any effect from it.  but i have one Vicodan left and i'm trying to save it for when i get back to my own bed.  my sister did not do what i asked her to do; she SAYS she called down to the water department but they said the entire bill would have to be paid, i don't believe she called, but my lack of belief doesn't make things better so i'm not getting bent out of shape about it.  gotta wait til the 12th, and see what lie she comes up with then.  i'm trying to get out of town for a bit; really need to not be in this environment for a few days.  but i am not past the bitterness.  hearing nothing from my son or daughter, still not getting past the missing of Rachel.  have talked to PF, but doubt that i'll get to spend much time with her as she works, though i can crash at her crib while i'm in town.  just playing it by ear, nothing else i can do.  been watching a lot of foreign detective shows, pretty good stuff.

today, noon meeting, figure out what i'm making for dinner, check on my house, take some Tylenol and stay out of the way.  I'm grateful for everything, grateful for life.  and i'm thanking Jehovah for keeping my mind together and moving in a better direction.

chapters, verses and issues

been a bit of a while.  got things going on, need to try to stay on point with some of this stuff.  but for now, i'm glad that i'm able to work on this, to put down recent events.  i'm not in my house yet; water still shut off, and i will not stay in a place i can neither cleanse myself nor use the toilet in.  just now how i choose to spend my nights.  but i have been there today, and i will be there at some point tomorrow.  going to stop hauling shit for now, because it won't do much good, and the alarm system the house has does not arm, i don't know the code to it, and wouldn't arm it if i did, as my presence there is sporadic for the moment.  but this is what's been going on, and this is where i'm going for the moment.

yesterday, for instance, i found myself at odds with my mother for some unknown reason.  and i mean, i had no idea what the problem was. perhaps her perception that i cut her off, not wanting to hear about the 'latest thing' my dad did as an affront to her.  that may be somewhat accurate, but it is an everyday occurrence now, and i don't want to keep hearing about how my father has done something else that my mother has taken offense to.  but i try to maintain a level of patience with both parents.  i don't know how much longer i will have them and would like to make the most of the memories left to create.  but she stopped communicating with me at some point, and therefore i went to bed early, so that i didn't have to partake in that sort of low-level drama.

when i woke, i found all my money was in place and i decided to make a path for yard sailing.  i went to McD's to get breakfast, i came home and ate in the driveway, i watched a bit of television and then i went to counseling.  the session was good, and we talked more about the parameters of our interaction as client/therapist than anything else, but it was good and it is always good to be able to converse with someone who gives an active damn about me.  from there i went to Hubbard, where i found a book shelf, a rocking chair, some computer speakers.  the rocking chair needs a spot of gorilla glue so she knocked half the price off, and later, when my brother and I went to pick up my stuff, we found the book shelf came in pieces and was sort of flimsy and screwed together weird, so she returned my money for that purchase.  i felt bad, as i am truly the 'caveat emptor' brand of yard sailor and thrift whore, but i didn't regret not taking those things home.  more on that later.

after Hubbard (two there, actually, but i only found stuff at the first one) i went to Struthers.  yes, i know.  i did go to a yard sale there, and i even went to the Re-Store.  but i know that wasn't my real reason for going.  i got gas, then i rode by Rachel's house.  didn't stop.  couldn't stop myself from doing it, to be honest.  i saw that the hangings she covers the front window with are still up, and there is a wooden hutch type piece by the front door, so i'm guessing she's still there, she's kept the place.  i have decaf coffee and the radiator info in my car, but i didn't stop to leave it.  i'm really not trying to be stubborn and this really is not a game.  i don't want to not have her in my life, but i want her to WANT to be in my life, not be in my life because 'oh, well, what i want ain't never gonna show up'.  i don't believe in that kind of shit, though i can dig the 'if you can't be with the one you love then love the one you're with honey' philosophy.  but i think we never got to that point.  i was with the one i loved.  i think she loved the one she was with as much as she could, but she couldn't reach far enough to continue to convince me of the authenticity.  and maybe that's my fault.  but if she wants to have company with me, she will get in touch.  if she doesn't she won't.  i miss her, but i'm going to live.

anyway, i went to lunch with a new friend from the meeting, and i mean a new FRIEND.  no names, her anonymity is an assured thing.  she is one of us for certain, a boatload of issues and isms, no developed ability to deal very well with them and creeping along the edge of her own madness every day.  about the only thing i hope i was able to impart was that i am her friend, and that she is cared about.  but she talked, she told her story to me, and hopefully she'll talk more as time goes on.  been awhile since i dealt with a little sister.

i'm going to hit one yard sale that i know of tomorrow, and perhaps more if i find more.  i'm supposed to go to lunch with Syd, and we'll see how that turns out.  going to pay some bills, put in some apps and keep it moving.  all that i know to do.  i am not sorry i went by her house.  i'm only sorry that i can't get this water bill straight any faster.  thank you, Father, for all you've done for me.