this isn't going to be long. not because i didn't have a day that was noteworthy, but because i have something specific that i want to jot down, and it really does deserve the focus for the moment. but first, the recap:
i got up but i slept pretty heavy, after being exhausted in my preparations, and i did not get to the gym today. i AM going walking in the morning. the drug of my carbohydrate addiction is working on me. i can't call it a relapse, as i've been taking carbs in the entire time. but it is a LAPSE, by definition: a temporary failure of concentration, memory of judgment. awareness will put me back on track, but i have to be honest about it or i empower its continuance. so, i didn't go to the gym. i said prayers, but i didn't stretch. i got up slow, did my readings. i texted a friend whom i thought i was on for breakfast with, but it was merely to make contact. breakfast is scheduled for Monday. so i had a piece of chicken and a piece of pie. that was breakfast. chicken and sweet potato pie. and so it began.
i didn't do a damn thing today. i went to visit Lonnie and his wife, who didn't make it yesterday as she had a migraine. i got a chance to say thank you to her for her patience and her friendship, and to apologize for my behaviors, which though in play were never truly kind. my apology is sincere, but i have to change my attitude about her. she's not my wife, what i think about her doesn't matter. i called Rachel but she didn't answer so i went to Aldi's and got stuff for my soup and i went home. the soup, by the way, is magnificent. Turkey and duck stock, with cabbage, yellow peppers, green beans, wax beans, corn, turkey and duck meat, thickened with leftover gravy and mashed potatoes. WE WASTE NO PARTS OF THE ANIMAL. i love that line from Peter Straub. anyway...
i did talk to Rachel, and we are on for tomorrow but haven't yet established a time. i have nothing else going on though, so that's okay. i'm going to find something nice and simple to fix her for dinner, and i'm going to spend time with her. that's all i can really ask.
at Lonnie's house i had a literal tablespoon full of bread pudding that was sweet as hell. and so it continued.
tonight, i had two pieces of chicken and some greens for dinner. i washed some dishes, i decided yesterday that i was going to package up the rest of the pies, Rachel's included, and take them to my meeting on Sunday. good idea, i suppose. while i was sectioning them and moving them to a storage container for the fridge, a piece of mine fell in two pieces and i put it on my tray to eat. and then i decided i needed a piece of Rachel's as well, since she did make it for me. two more pieces of pie. and so it goes.
i have resumed smoking for years by smoking one cigarette.
i've seen people end up in coffins trying to take ONE MORE HIT of whatever.
in AA they say it's not the caboose that kills you by running you over; it's getting hit by the ENGINE.
the first one tends to be the worst one. i am aware of that. and i am done.
thank you, Father, for awareness.
so, the epiphany.
it is November the 25th. I have made it through my historically worst time of year and my depression, while present, has not been overwhelming at all. i have felt it swell like an imminent sneeze, only to retreat, the tickle in my nose gone. how is that possible?
my counselor, VF, had to endure me asking for years about a gray area in my memory banks, a wall, if you will, where i believed my childhood trauma still lay hidden from my eyes. i thought, forever, that if i could just access that panel, i could find my happiness. VF told me, and rightly so, i believe, that with all the work i've done on myself, if there was something back there i would have found it. and that maybe, just maybe...it was just a wall. no more significance than that. i was floored to find out it was true. first i felt hollow. but i say here that it brought me exultation, because once i knew it was true, i could finally stop looking. i could relax, for once. i could not have to know something, and that was a joy that goes beyond simple expressing. and i am grateful to God for putting VF in my life 10 years ago.
the relevance to my November blues, or lack thereof, is this: this year, i have been busy like you wouldn't believe. i have been writing. i've been working on grounding myself in a business of my own operating. i've been involved in my child's life, my parent's lives. i've been active in the meetings that i regularly attend. i've been reading, i've been thinking, i've been DOING. and i've been changing. i've been sacrificing. i've been letting go. i've been growing into a new Tim, a brand new motherfucker. and i've been doing some of the things that the old Tim knew were important. i've gained depth and dimension. i have a woman i love and she loves me. i have a father to look out for, a mother to tend to. i pray every day. i've been reading my meditation books and scripture all month. i've done those things before now, don't get me wrong. not all at once, not all consistently as i am trying now.
but this is a repeat year.
in November of 88, Thanksgiving fell on the 24. i was high on Friday, the 25, and i was high on Saturday, the 26th. on Sunday, the 27th, i was clean, trying to find a way out of going to the Care Unit so i could continue fucking up my life. and the 28th saw me in the Care Unit in Salem, Ohio. a Sunday, the 27th, was the first day i was clean.
this Sunday is the 27th. the ellipse...THE ORBIT, is complete.
spiritually speaking, that is.
i'm not saying it's gone. that would be presuming to know the mind and the will of God, and i don't tread on that sidewalk for anyone. but it is saying that i have seen so many changes, but i've not worked toward a better thing until this year. and this year, my symptoms are almost non-existent. THE ORBIT IS COMPLETE.
isn't that pretty cool?
that's my gratitude, for real.
i'm done for now.
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