Still Cooking...

it's been a day.  i'm tired, and i don't have much further to go.
in the course of the day i figured that i am trying to do this, this year, with all these people, because next year is transition.  next year, Syd is officially grown.  she already has plans to move out.  i don't really have a problem with that, as i moved on my own at 17 and my dad's interference brought me back home.  i know the only way she's going to learn what she needs to know at this point is for her to get involved in life, and to make mistakes, and to figure shit out, and to grow with information applied.  it's how we all have to do it, but sometimes we take time to listen to our parents and other experienced travelers along our way.  I didn't.  i don't believe she did either.  but it's too late to lament that now.
also, her leaving means i'll be on my own for the first time in practically forever.  seems since i've been sober i've been in a state of cohabitation.  i've been at my parents, i've been in relationships and shacked up, i've been with family, my children, i mean...in the end i've been with Syd.  and soon it will be just me.  I see no reason to pretend that i'm going to try to find someplace big enough to entertain 10 people again.  my tentative plan is to find an efficiency with a good kitchen and access to power.  i can run Z-Phyles from a computer.  i need someplace for Rachel to come see me.  somewhere that my brother can chill if need be.  some say i need a place where Syd can come back to, but i need somewhere i can BE.  and if Syd needs to crash, then she'll always have access, but it won't be unconditional after this school year.
so i'm having my family.  my parents, my brother, my child and her other, my lady (such as she will allow herself to be) and my best friend and his wife.  and of course my son from Columbus.  ten of us, one small space.  we will be cozy, or we will be cramped.  but we will be together.  what words would i set them on with, if i were to have the opportunity?

i think i would thank them for this journey.  i would tell them that despite what appears to be, love is and has always lived in my heart for each of them, even Syd's other.  i would tell them that along my roads i have stumbled and fallen many times, that i have been affected in ways too numerous to catalog, and that often it comes out sideways in my speech and demeanor.  but i would take it all back for a moment of understanding between us.  i would tell them of the losses, not each in detail, but the ones that made me cry, the ones that left holes in my heart.  and i would thank them, for each time i fell, each time i bled, each time i cried, one or more of them were there for me.  and i didn't always say thank you.  and this is not even all the people that i owe my life to, but i would thank those that are present and hope the rest can feel it in my future actions.

and then i'd ask my dad to say a prayer over the meal and we'd eat and scatter to the four winds again.  and in three days after that i'd be 28 years sober, God willing and the creek don't rise.

i'm going to finish cooking earlier than i estimated.  i'm going to go for a walk in the morning.  my house needs to be vacuumed.  my meal is going to be good.  and i am going to continue on with this orbit, this strange and wonderful journey around a self that i'm only beginning to truly know.

i know, pretentious, right?  well, it's what i got for now, and i have cooking to continue on with.  peace to you and yours, and thank you, Jehovah, for my sobriety today.