tired as a motherfucker...

shit, it's been a long day.  i am weary beyond weariness.  it's almost over though.  thinking must take place and i shall think, but after that there will be rest, and there will be movement should the morrow come.

i didn't sleep well last night.  did i mention that already?  i didn't sleep last night and i was up with a headache and i eventually rolled out the bed and said prayers and did readings and got my ass engaged.  i was chilling for the most part, and eventually i got the mac n cheese in the oven, way too early, and i went back to lay down for a bit.  Syd left for school and i got up and got myself in gear to leave.  my plan was linear and i tried to stick to it.

i packed the last of the shit i needed in my car.  i rolled over to the fellowship hall.  i cleaned the tables before i unloaded my vehicle.  i got the coffee on in the big pot.  i ran up the street for ice and i got the pop on ice.  i went to pick up Rachel.  i came back to find Bob had started arranging things in an efficient manner and i messed with him about it though i was glad with his changes.  we didn't get many people and there was far too much food but my dad did a great job and Rachel enjoyed herself and i was happy she was there.  cleaning up was a bitch.  everyone can come and cop a plate to go but no one wants to get their ass involved.  it is one of the more glaring departures from the way things were when we ran efficiently.  got it done, though, and then we went on a trek of prolongation.

we went to the cleaners on Loganway so Rachel could get an application.  went to my parent's house to drop off a plate.  Rachel started talking to my mom and i sat in a living room chair dozing in and out.  we left after awhile and went to another store so Rachel could get her cigars.  then back to my house.

i was more tired than before.  had Syd help Rachel unload the car.  had a bunch of stuff i hadn't planned on bringing home.  half a half-sheet cake, for one.  eventually, i took that to Lonnie before i took Rachel to her grandmother's house.  i just finished putting the anniversary stuff in the tote and am going to wash the dishes before i go to bed.

i was thinking about going to columbus tomorrow, but i'm thinking it's going to end up waiting a week.  Rachel alluded to wanting to go, and that is a different kind of planning.  as in, when i go by myself, i crash with people, keep it moving, rely on kindness to stay fed and sheltered.  with Rachel, we will need someplace steady, and we will need somewhere to more or less be sedentary between people.  it also means that i can't just throw together a bag and roll out.  she has clothes to wash, bills to tend to and three children who are reliant upon her.  i have Syd, who is trying her best to get out from under my shadow.  it's a difference.

either way, it was a good lead, a good lunch, my father did a great job and i'm glad that i had a chance to attempt to honor him thus.  Thank you, Jehovah, for a full day.

weary still

...a rough night is coming to an end.  i don't know why sleep was so hard this past night.  i couldn't get under, i couldn't still my mind.  i didn't want to use the binaural beats meditation music because i didn't want to wake rough, and i've slept rough instead. not a good trade-off.
i got up yesterday and prayed and did stretches and crunches and readings and went to the gym and lifted on the machines.  i had to take Syd to school, and while i was by Kent State i went to the walmart out that way and to dollar general and got most of the last of our supplies.  big lots, not walmart, sorry.  then i came back to youngstown, went to sav-a-lot and walmart and finished up.  i cleaned and stemmed collard greens and got them on.  i'd talked to Lonnie thru the day to hear that his father is not doing very well at all, and that makes me sad for both Lonnie and his father.  his dad is one of the last of the 'mystical old men', as we used to call them.  and Lonnie has so much already on his plate.
i got a call from the Director of Development from the public library, who told me of a book signing the Poland library does in the winter and the summer.  but it happens this thursday and i would not be ready at all.  so i'll have to get it moving for June.
i have macaroni boiled and cheese shredded and i ate dinner.  my sugar was 112 when i got in from the gym yesterday.
no gym today.  i've prayed, turned the day over, and i read my meditations.  i have this anniversary meeting, and i'm not going to expend my energy anywhere but there.  as i don't have a ton of it to begin with today.  but i prayed for strength and i'm sure it has been made available to me.  i'm about to get my coffee on and get my mac n cheese into the oven.  it will be a positive day.  thank you, Father.

moving meditations...

it's monday morning, well, just about monday afternoon now.  i've gotten off to a good start.  i woke on time, 8 solid hours of sleep, thank the stars.  i said my prayer, did my stretches and crunches and read my scriptures and meditation books.  i got up and had water and coffee and i got to the gym.  i set the treadmill but shorted myself 10 minutes, as i did half an hour but wanted 40 minutes.  but i was okay with that.  i came home, realized that Syd hadn't come in last night, and got myself ready for the day.  figure she told me she had a school to visit today and i've forgotten.  anyway, i got in, took meds (blood sugar was 130 this morning), went to breakfast with TW, an old friend from West.  talked about some old, catching up on life stuff.  then i came home and counted the donation money for the anniversary meeting.  i was about to head to the store when Adriene called and asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i thought that was rather serendipitous.  i then sent out some emails to coffee shops, left a message for the director of development at youngstown libraries and tried to find where i could list that i have new books for sale in the arts section of the vindicator.  i went to lunch with Adriene and found she is now involved and prospering, and that made me happy.  i told her about Rachel and my life up til now.  it's funny i spent the morning catching people up on the life i'm in the process of flying away from.  oh, well.
this evening i went to my parent's house.  i brought my mother some magazines she'd been asking me about and i talked to my dad about his speaking at our anniversary meeting on wednesday.  i did that after going to the store to get some of the things for the anniversary meeting, and changing in the change at my bank for paper bills.  i got hedge clippers so i could trim my rose bush from my dad and i got a pot to plant my avocado seedling from my mother.  i'd gotten potting soil from walmart.
i baked chicken for dinner and had a breast with greens and the last of the scalloped potatoes.  i talked to Rachel for a bit.  her depression is pretty bright, as far as being able to see it clearly.  i can't help but wonder why no one but me seems to point it out to her.  sometimes you need enough people to tell you that they see something for you to be willing to turn and take a look.  but that's just my opinion.  i've ordered the cake and chicken.  have to get more pop.  have to cook my greens tomorrow and get my mac and cheese ready for the oven.  got to get sanitizer, salt and pepper shakers, coffee, creamer and sweetener.  have to get a couple other things.  i am in the process of being ready for wednesday and i admit i'm getting excited somewhat.  i'm also looking forward to going to columbus this weekend.  i can't really afford it, but i really need a brief getaway.  and i can lay some groundwork while i'm there.  so, that's my day.  full and busy, and blessedly ended.  thank you, Father.

just past the moon

coming from sleep was rough this morning.  i had no alarm set, but my internal clock failed miserably and i didn't get up until about 8.  the Kingdom Hall starts at 10, and i had nothing ready.  i prayed and got moving.  i read my meditations and scripture in the tub, which i got in after i ate and had coffee.  shaved and deodorized and dressed, i got to the Hall just a bit late.  i stayed for the public discourse and left before the Watchtower lesson, as i'd not gotten the new magazine and didn't have my lesson ready anyway.
on my way home i saw i had a missed call from Marc about Matt not coming to the meeting.  he sounded agitated because he's on call on weekends usually and can't always be counted on to open and close even though he is the treasurer.  i told him i'd close it up for him if he couldn't stay and i'd meet him there.  i went home, took off my blazer, got into my winter coat, made a to-go cup of coffee and got the container of sweet potato pie and made my way south.
i got there and Bob G was waiting in his car.  Marc showed up slightly afterward and we went inside...each holding a dessert of some kind for the meeting.  SABOTAGE.
i had a piece of sock it to me cake and a slice of cheesecake.  i am so fucking weak...
anyway, the meeting was good, not a bunch of people there but that was not a bad thing.  i made my way up South avenue, went to Sparkle to get perch for dinner, was happy to find a dollar off a pound on sale today.  also got smoked turkey for Wednesday's greens, as it was cheaper there than at Sav-a-lot.
I called my mom and she said she was just tired, i called my brother and told him he could have the rest of the pie if he wanted but if not it was cool, i was going to toss it.  so he took it.  i had perch and asparagus and scalloped potatoes for dinner.  i have washed my dishes, got the coffee pot ready and am working toward going to bed.  i don't know why my sleep is so messed up (aside from the sugar intake) but i am going to the gym tomorrow.

what i know today:
i am capable of making decisions.  they aren't always good ones.  i turn it all over to God, but i have to choose to do even that.  if i think in terms of what is best for the day, i will tend to act in accordance with what is best for myself.

thank you, Jehovah God, for a full day.

you say good-bye, i say Hello.

i've not much to say this night/morning.  I've completed 28 orbits around this sun, and i'm ready to see what lies in the deeper space.  it's been a good day, it's been a blessing all year, and i'm very honored and proud to be at this point in my life right now.  Thank you, Father.  let's roll...

the light that shines in a dark place...

this isn't going to be long.  not because i didn't have a day that was noteworthy, but because i have something specific that i want to jot down, and it really does deserve the focus for the moment.  but first, the recap:

i got up but i slept pretty heavy, after being exhausted in my preparations, and i did not get to the gym today.  i AM going walking in the morning.  the drug of my carbohydrate addiction is working on me.  i can't call it a relapse, as i've been taking carbs in the entire time.  but it is a LAPSE, by definition: a temporary failure of concentration, memory of judgment. awareness will put me back on track, but i have to be honest about it or i empower its continuance.  so, i didn't go to the gym.  i said prayers, but i didn't stretch.  i got up slow, did my readings.  i texted a friend whom i thought i was on for breakfast with, but it was merely to make contact.  breakfast is scheduled for Monday.  so i had a piece of chicken and a piece of pie.  that was breakfast.  chicken and sweet potato pie.  and so it began.

i didn't do a damn thing today.  i went to visit Lonnie and his wife, who didn't make it yesterday as she had a migraine.  i got a chance to say thank you to her for her patience and her friendship, and to apologize for my behaviors, which though in play were never truly kind.  my apology is sincere, but i have to change my attitude about her.  she's not my wife, what i think about her doesn't matter.  i called Rachel but she didn't answer so i went to Aldi's and got stuff for my soup and i went home.  the soup, by the way, is magnificent.  Turkey and duck stock, with cabbage, yellow peppers, green beans, wax beans, corn, turkey and duck meat, thickened with leftover gravy and mashed potatoes.  WE WASTE NO PARTS OF THE ANIMAL.  i love that line from Peter Straub.  anyway...

i did talk to Rachel, and we are on for tomorrow but haven't yet established a time.  i have nothing else going on though, so that's okay.  i'm going to find something nice and simple to fix her for dinner, and i'm going to spend time with her.  that's all i can really ask.

at Lonnie's house i had a literal tablespoon full of bread pudding that was sweet as hell.  and so it continued.

tonight, i had two pieces of chicken and some greens for dinner.  i washed some dishes, i decided yesterday that i was going to package up the rest of the pies, Rachel's included, and take them to my meeting on Sunday.  good idea, i suppose.  while i was sectioning them and moving them to a storage container for the fridge, a piece of mine fell in two pieces and i put it on my tray to eat.  and then i decided i needed a piece of Rachel's as well, since she did make it for me.  two more pieces of pie.  and so it goes.

i have resumed smoking for years by smoking one cigarette.
i've seen people end up in coffins trying to take ONE MORE HIT of whatever.
in AA they say it's not the caboose that kills you by running you over; it's getting hit by the ENGINE.
the first one tends to be the worst one.  i am aware of that.  and i am done.

thank you, Father, for awareness.

so, the epiphany.

it is November the 25th.  I have made it through my historically worst time of year and my depression, while present, has not been overwhelming at all.  i have felt it swell like an imminent sneeze, only to retreat, the tickle in my nose gone.  how is that possible?

my counselor, VF, had to endure me asking for years about a gray area in my memory banks, a wall, if you will, where i believed my childhood trauma still lay hidden from my eyes.  i thought, forever, that if i could just access that panel, i could find my happiness.  VF told me, and rightly so, i believe, that with all the work i've done on myself, if there was something back there i would have found it.  and that maybe, just maybe...it was just a wall.  no more significance than that.  i was floored to find out it was true.  first i felt hollow.  but i say here that it brought me exultation, because once i knew it was true, i could finally stop looking.  i could relax, for once.  i could not have to know something, and that was a joy that goes beyond simple expressing.  and i am grateful to God for putting VF in my life 10 years ago.

the relevance to my November blues, or lack thereof, is this:  this year, i have been busy like you wouldn't believe.  i have been writing.  i've been working on grounding myself in a business of my own operating.  i've been involved in my child's life, my parent's lives.  i've been active in the meetings that i regularly attend.  i've been reading, i've been thinking, i've been DOING.  and i've been changing.  i've been sacrificing.  i've been letting go.  i've been growing into a new Tim, a brand new motherfucker.  and i've been doing some of the things that the old Tim knew were important.  i've gained depth and dimension.  i have a woman i love and she loves me.  i have a father to look out for, a mother to tend to.  i pray every day.  i've been reading my meditation books and scripture all month.  i've done those things before now, don't get me wrong.  not all at once, not all consistently as i am trying now.

but this is a repeat year.

in November of 88, Thanksgiving fell on the 24.  i was high on Friday, the 25, and i was high on Saturday, the 26th.  on Sunday, the 27th, i was clean, trying to find a way out of going to the Care Unit so i could continue fucking up my life.  and the 28th saw me in the Care Unit in Salem, Ohio.  a Sunday, the 27th, was the first day i was clean.

this Sunday is the 27th.  the ellipse...THE ORBIT, is complete.

spiritually speaking, that is.

i'm not saying it's gone.  that would be presuming to know the mind and the will of God, and i don't tread on that sidewalk for anyone.  but it is saying that i have seen so many changes, but i've not worked toward a better thing until this year.  and this year, my symptoms are almost non-existent.  THE ORBIT IS COMPLETE.

isn't that pretty cool?

that's my gratitude, for real.

i'm done for now.

after hours

i wanted to make sure i got this in before i crashed, as i know getting back all the way on track is preeminent right now.  i had a good day, but i have to get back to enjoying a good life, and that means no more fucking around.

i got up this morning and i got my ass out of the bed.  i was having leg cramps, thinking perhaps i was very dehydrated.  i said my prayers, got dressed, got coffee on and brewing and went outside for a half-hour walk, since the gym was closed.  i got back and worked on some small here and there things as far as getting today's dinner done.  that was essentially my day.  cooking, chilling, talking with Deja when he woke up, more cooking, more cleaning, arranging things to accommodate my family.  it wasn't very detailed.  i did my readings.  i watched tv.  eventually my parents and Lonnie came, Syd and Joe came earlier.  we broke bread, ate and listened to music and talked.  i had the kids straighten after people were leaving.  my brother showed up late, got some food on to-go plates and kept it moving.  gonna be glad to be done with that part of my thing.

Rachel came by much later, as Deja was preparing to leave.  she hung out with me and we watched two movies.  she's supposed to hang out Saturday as well, and i can't wait.  i'm about to shut it down.  wanna hit the gym, got some runs to make.  i'm really tired, but at least this is down on the 'logue at this point.  thank you, Jehovah.

Still Cooking...

it's been a day.  i'm tired, and i don't have much further to go.
in the course of the day i figured that i am trying to do this, this year, with all these people, because next year is transition.  next year, Syd is officially grown.  she already has plans to move out.  i don't really have a problem with that, as i moved on my own at 17 and my dad's interference brought me back home.  i know the only way she's going to learn what she needs to know at this point is for her to get involved in life, and to make mistakes, and to figure shit out, and to grow with information applied.  it's how we all have to do it, but sometimes we take time to listen to our parents and other experienced travelers along our way.  I didn't.  i don't believe she did either.  but it's too late to lament that now.
also, her leaving means i'll be on my own for the first time in practically forever.  seems since i've been sober i've been in a state of cohabitation.  i've been at my parents, i've been in relationships and shacked up, i've been with family, my children, i mean...in the end i've been with Syd.  and soon it will be just me.  I see no reason to pretend that i'm going to try to find someplace big enough to entertain 10 people again.  my tentative plan is to find an efficiency with a good kitchen and access to power.  i can run Z-Phyles from a computer.  i need someplace for Rachel to come see me.  somewhere that my brother can chill if need be.  some say i need a place where Syd can come back to, but i need somewhere i can BE.  and if Syd needs to crash, then she'll always have access, but it won't be unconditional after this school year.
so i'm having my family.  my parents, my brother, my child and her other, my lady (such as she will allow herself to be) and my best friend and his wife.  and of course my son from Columbus.  ten of us, one small space.  we will be cozy, or we will be cramped.  but we will be together.  what words would i set them on with, if i were to have the opportunity?

i think i would thank them for this journey.  i would tell them that despite what appears to be, love is and has always lived in my heart for each of them, even Syd's other.  i would tell them that along my roads i have stumbled and fallen many times, that i have been affected in ways too numerous to catalog, and that often it comes out sideways in my speech and demeanor.  but i would take it all back for a moment of understanding between us.  i would tell them of the losses, not each in detail, but the ones that made me cry, the ones that left holes in my heart.  and i would thank them, for each time i fell, each time i bled, each time i cried, one or more of them were there for me.  and i didn't always say thank you.  and this is not even all the people that i owe my life to, but i would thank those that are present and hope the rest can feel it in my future actions.

and then i'd ask my dad to say a prayer over the meal and we'd eat and scatter to the four winds again.  and in three days after that i'd be 28 years sober, God willing and the creek don't rise.

i'm going to finish cooking earlier than i estimated.  i'm going to go for a walk in the morning.  my house needs to be vacuumed.  my meal is going to be good.  and i am going to continue on with this orbit, this strange and wonderful journey around a self that i'm only beginning to truly know.

i know, pretentious, right?  well, it's what i got for now, and i have cooking to continue on with.  peace to you and yours, and thank you, Jehovah, for my sobriety today.  

cooking

man, yesterday was as long a day as i've had in awhile, and i don't even think it was very detail-oriented.  but i didn't write, and i need to stay on top of things, so i'm logging now for yesterday.

i did get up, did get prayed and read and did crunches.  i did get to the gym.  i did have good numbers on my sugar.  i did take meds, did take insulin.  i did have breakfast.  i did eat far more responsibly than i truly want to, but i'm still saving it up for Thursday, and even then i don't see me going too crazy.  i want something now, and i'm willing to sacrifice what is necessary to get it.

i went to my parent's house, got some fruit for my turkey and got some pie pans, did a load of clothes and talked with my mom.  i went to the store before that and got odds and ends things that i still had on my list.  i went to lunch with Lonnie at the DeYor, had a cajun chicken salad and a bowl of sirloin potato soup.  both good.  i got chicken breasts to take home for dinner.

i worked on a piece of music but i didn't get it finished to my satisfaction yesterday.  i was running out of gas pretty quick, likely the results of not having time for a nap.  i got my greens in, glad they were cleaned ahead of time, but i forgot to cut them up and had to do it in the stock pot.  i got my pies done.  i had Syd and Joe bring over three folding chairs from my parent's house.  i talked to Rachel in the evening, after she finished her running for the day, and i hung on the phone with her until i started drifting off.

i woke this morning at my usual time but i did not get to the gym as planned.  my fault.  late night coffee wakes me up rough in the morning.  i will walk tomorrow morning.  i am working towards getting to my meeting now, so i will update tonight as i continue cooking.  i am grateful to Jehovah for friendship, as my friend CJ lost her eldest daughter this morning in St. Louis.  prayers for her and her family.

...prep time

i am tired, in an extraordinary amount.

i slept pretty poorly last night, which sucked.  i didn't have trouble getting under sleep, but i had trouble staying under.  i was up three times, and i didn't get to sleep until after 12, so that wasn't good.  I did get up on time, say prayers, do stretches, crunches and readings.  I took my blood sugar and it was at 112, which was great.  i had coffee and water and i went to the gym and did the treadmill.  it was wickedly cold out, and i didn't want to go, but i did.  i got home and i took insulin and meds and saw Syd out the door and i went to my doctor for my echocardiogram.  i was drowsing badly on the table,but he got it done fairly quickly and then i came home.  i hadn't eaten.  i got texts from Syd, who shouldn't have been as she was in school, and i got a call from Marc, which was weird on a Monday morning.  i ate eggs and kielbasa and called Marc back.  then i went back to sleep.

i had a hard time getting started again, but i managed to.  i got onions and peppers chopped and put away, and got the turkey and duck into the tub of cold water to thaw.  they are going back into the cooler for now, where they'll stay until i'm ready to put them in storage with a rub tomorrow.  i am going to peel my potatoes, and i just boiled my macaroni.  i shredded the cheese earlier and i cleaned my greens.  i updated my website.  i added some people to my very new, very limited Facebook that is purely business.  and i am going to try to get to bed early so i can start it again tomorrow, should i be blessed with life.

i am sort of looking forward to having my parents and a lot of people over on thursday.  you think about the ramifications.  Natives are protesting a pipeline through their burial ground, they are being brutalized by law enforcement and treaties are going to be violated in order to allow this to happen.  but you will celebrate 'indians and pilgrims sitting down and breaking bread together'.  the american lie is a powerful tool.  knowing it is a burden, but it is also the future of my success and well being.  I thank Jehovah God for a good day and a busy one.

...evening chill

this has been a pretty full day.  I did get my prayers, readings, stretching and crunches done, and I got my shopping done for Thursday.  I am hanging out with Rachel, and it's been a pretty good day.  we shopped, we hung out, we talked and we just finished with dinner.  Syd ate as well, which was cool.  I am planning on getting to the gym tomorrow, and working on my dinner for Thursday also.  I don't have much tonight.  i'm sleepy but it's worth it to spend time with Rachel.  I'm always grateful for the time I get with her, and I thank my Creator for days and moments such as these.  good night. 

first snow

wish i had a picture, but it's cold as a motherfucker in my house.  not that i can't take a picture in a cold house, but i am back on my bed and that ain't gonna change until it has to.

yesterday was okay, and i ended up doing enough that i didn't get a chance to update.  so here goes.  i got up, prayed, read my meditation stuff.  my blood sugar was back down below 130, so that was good.  i took meds and insulin and i did some updating on my online profile stuff.  in the process of shutting down my pages that are more about gossip and garbage than business and building some new things.  so i got some confusion going on, but i got it started and i got moving on some other things.  got more of my living room clean and got my stuff put back in the bathroom.  i didn't rush one single thing.  it was cold and i had a wedding to attend so i took it really slow.
eventually as i was talking to Rachel i got dressed and went to the wedding.  it was in boardman park, and i got there right on time.  it was a short service, and the reception was several hours later.  i hung with TP until then, watched as she had a drink at the restaurant we went to and strangely felt nothing.  what can you do?  went back to her house and had a cup of coffee and talked and caught up on some things, and then went to the reception, right on time again.  they were doing the wedding party announcements and i hung out with Bob's aunts across the hall.  the food was okay, i was proud of Bob, no matter what else transpires between us, because he truly has become something else by God's grace.  i left about an hour in, and i came home, talked to Rachel again and crashed.  that was my yesterday.  i was glad that i decided to go, it was nice, but i definitely felt the vibes of being the only black guy at a white wedding, and not the billy idol kind.  thank you, Father.

...change gonna come...

well, this has been an up and down day, but only emotionally.  i actually feel pretty good now, but i've been kinda down most of the day.  but it helps to talk, it helps to do, and it helps to remember that i'm not commissioned to be in charge of one damn thing.  that's the deal, and i'm going to grab that deal.

i didn't hit the gym today, and my knee trying its best to take me down is a good reason, but it's not THE reason.  i didn't go because i was having some blues since last night, and i didn't deal well with them.  but considering my normal depression levels, i'm doing much better than i have historically.  i prayed, i read from scripture and meditation books.  i got Syd out the door, i got Mechanical Jesus submitted and i got the new cover for Old Lazarus uploaded.  i went to counseling.  it was a good session but it had some sadness as it started with someone dying and it ended with a three week hiatus between today and my next session.  but my counselor, knowing i have a sober anniversary coming up (it's so nice to be remembered) gave me a bag of Peet's Coffee, which is an excellent coffee,and i'm very touched and moved by the gift.

i came home and i sort of laid around, the blues still lingering.  my brother came before i got good and settled and i visited with him for a bit.  i had plans to clean but i put it off for quite a while.  i had lunch, which was so uneventful i can't remember what it was, and eventually i got up and started cleaning.  i got my bed made.  i talked to Rachel, and she's having some heavy blues as well, financial woes.  i have to get this company up and going.  i know the blessing is waiting for me.  i have the kitchen cleaned now, i have the bathroom cleaned and my bedroom is about as done as it needs to be.  i have to find the invitation to Bob's daughter's wedding.  i have to finish my living room and get things as ready for thursday as i can.  and i have to remember to remain grateful, because Jehovah has blessed me to the extent that i am able to appreciate what he has done for me, which can either be severely limited or abundantly limitless.  i think i'm going to be okay.

a good day, a sigh at the end

i have to admit, the ride of this day has been like a quick jaunt to the top of a very curvy, very exciting roller coaster, riding through all the good parts, but being stuck on the ride for hours as it crept along flat track to the resting place, and that creeping took hours to complete.

first of all, i started the day with prayer.  i didn't sleep deeply, and there is a wall in the issue of my book Old Lazarus, but i got up on time and i said my prayer and i managed to get my stretching done and my readings.

and then Rachel called me, and she was outside.

so i let her in and i talked to her and we had coffee.

and i went to the gym a bit late, but i went, did my walk, came home.

i hung out with her and it was fun and we enjoyed each other's company.

i went to take my mom her car back, as i had taken it overnight because Rachel had my car and i went with my dad to do his thing yesterday evening.  while at my parent's house i made omelets for everyone, including Rachel and my dad.  we came home and Rachel was going through some sugar changes.  she'd had a low sugar at my parents, drank some apple juice and immediately was having stomach issues.

when we got back here she napped as i watched a piece of a show and then worked on Mechanical Jesus' formatting.  i then took her to her doctor appointment, called TP back and checked on Lonnie after his MRI.  we came home after and she watched some television as i took Syd to a dental appointment in the early evening.  and about there the whole thing was on a skid.

Syd has something wrong where they removed her tooth, which would likely have been corrected had she rescheduled her appointment after the tooth surgery. as usual, she makes the most inane excuses, and i can only see her being in the worst situations in the near future because taking ownership and correcting her actions doesn't seem to be in her skill set at all.  Rachel was dragging for the rest of the night.  i made myself some dinner, ate and took her home.  i felt a wave of the depression wash over me as i waited for her to come out of Sav-a-lot.  triggered by Syd, but part of the November thing.  however, i am over halfway through the month and still moving fine.  i have lunch scheduled with Lonnie tomorrow, and i'm about to shut my system down and go to bed, as i'm tired and in need of a good amount of functional rest.  i am grateful, just tired.

November Happiness...now novel...

I missed yesterday, I've been doing some brainwork is my only excuse.  i've been working on the edit of MECHANICAL JESUS, wanting to get it ready for print, apply some of what i've learned through the Old Lazarus formatting to see if i have it pretty much right, and it is taxing, i can tell you.  but it is worth it.

the picture on the left here are simply the proofs that I ordered throughout the process.  they are for the purpose of examining the book before it goes into circulation, and making any changes that are necessary.  that's not why i ordered them, though.

i knew they would need corrections.  but they are the first run copies of OLD LAZARUS.  they will go to my closest people.  and they will be keepsakes of the beginning of Z-Phyles Publishing Service.  I love my logo on my book.  I LOVE my background the way i designed it.  I LOVE THIS PICTURE!  and, i am happy.  and it's the middle of November.  this is a good thing, and I'm not going to complain about it.

have to get to today, and i'll do what i can with yesterday.

today i got up early, prayed, stretched after i read from the book of Luke and my two meditation books, and i did some push-ups and some crunches.  i'd told Rachel i would take today off from the gym due to my elbow hurting, and i kept my word.  i got coffee and water, my blood sugar was 118 and i had bacon and eggs for breakfast.  i got to work on editing MJ not long after that.  i also ran a bath.  i took my bath, groomed and shaved and lotioned and Rachel called and i went to pick her up.  she came by and hung out and i went to my meeting.  not many people there.  we were doing Step 6, which is about becoming ready to have God remove defects of character.  always a good read and a good study.  i came home, Rachel was laying on the couch and i made us some lunch, a stir fry using kielbasa and veggies and half a baked potato.  we talked until Syd came in with Joe, and I had to take my dad to a court appointment in the evening.  i let Rachel take my car home as i didn't feel like one more run to the south side and back.  my dad and i took my mom's car to the court appointment and i have it now.  i'll go to the gym in the morning and i'll call my aunt to come back with me about 8am so she can take the car home.  i have some plans for tomorrow, Rachel's doctor appointment and Syd's dentist appointment in the early evening, but i intend to be done with MJ by that time.

yesterday my numbers were about the same.  sugar, that is.  i didn't do much noteworthy.  i worked on finishing the primary edit on MJ and started going through the formatting.  I made chicken cordon bleu for dinner.  i talked to Rachel and Lonnie.  i got a text from Syd about her english teacher, that the issue continues, which means she still thinks she can always get her way, and i have no more to say about that.  i did weights at the gym.  that's about the extent of what yesterday was, and if i had actually logged my orbit as i should have there would have been more for certain, but for now this is enough and I am extraordinarily grateful to Jehovah for this process.  If no more comes from this other than seeing my logo on my book, my company in the process of being born, it will be enough.  later.

monday, monday

well, it's been an okay day.  nothing to complain about, other than the cold this morning.  but nothing really all that remarkable either.  i can live with that.

i was up before my alarm, but i was slow moving for the most part.  i prayed, did stretches, read scripture and meditation and tried for a bit of guided imagery sitting on the side of the bed but it didn't happen for me for some reason.  i checked my blood sugar at 122 and went to my car to find the cold outside.  i started it and sat inside, waiting for the warm-up.  i went to the gym for a walking day.  did the treadmill, came home and got back to editing.  i did do a meditation video on the treadmill and felt more centered.  the early early waking is becoming a bit of a chore, however, i have to admit that.

I talked to Rachel early today as she'd not gotten much sleep.  she had a pretty busy morning planned, so i hung on the phone with her until she was ready to get dressed and summon her mom for the ride.  i then got myself redressed and went to visit my own parents.  i'd had breakfast after Syd had left for school, and i went to Walmart for wings and a small salad for lunch after i left my parents.

i got home, finished the FINAL edit on OLD LAZARUS, submitted it and sent an email reminding them the cover is fine.  i napped for a bit, i believe.  Syd and Joe came in while i was laying in my room.  when i came out to start working on Mechanical Jesus, the house smelled of gas.  they'd been drying clothes and forgot to turn off the gas valve, which we do because it wasn't attached correctly.  i know it was because they fell asleep but it is not a good thing to fall asleep in a potentially non-waking up scenario.  i had leftovers for dinner and Syd had spaghetti from the fridge.

tomorrow i start cleaning out the fridge, start arranging things for thursday after this one, and maybe go to get the plastic wear and pop for the anniversary thing.  i did get my dad's coin ordered, with a coin for Johnny for his 32 year clean (not his anniversary but still, from me to him through the group for another year) and some literature for the group.

as a note of interest:  my sister and her fiancee are going to get married sometime this week.  he is Mexican, and when she visited she said their plan was for next year, but i'm sure the announcement of 3 million deportations has a lot to do with their decision.  i'm still trying to reason out what i'm feeling about all this.  i'm almost there.  thank you, Jehovah, for teaching me patience.

...one fucking typo...

let me tell you about a learning curve.  i'm talking to myself, for future reference when I decide to print these as my memoirs, but i'm also talking to the me that I am right now.  I cannot in my heart of hearts believe what I have just spent the last several days learning by force.  how to format a book, how a margin needs to be a certain amount of space, depending on the dimensions of the book, in order for the words to fit.  how a margin on the right and left side of alternating pages has to be wider so that when you hold the book in your hands the words are visible.  how the thickness of you book and the stock of paper you intend to print on determines the spine dimensions.  how the cover needs a border as well.  how your colors, your images, need to be at least 300 dots per inch (DPI) so they are not too faded and print correctly.  I have redone this manuscript, I have done my cover a dozen times.  I currently have four print-proofs en route to me, four imperfect proofs that I know are imperfect but they are first printings and I intend to give them to loved ones as something of value from myself.

now.  one.  fucking.  typo.

on the last chapter of the book, there is a word.  that word is 'had'.  it should be 'and', but it is 'had'.  it has survived my careful scrutiny.  it has survived word correct, auto correct, spelling and grammar correct.  it is a 'had' of great power and resourcefulness.  and it has made it through.  as I read through this morning, happy with the digital proof I was going through and really glad that I was made aware enough to transfer the file to a PDF file so that it would stick fast in the dimensions, chapters lining up as I desired them to, I looked at the end as I wanted to see the dedication and the back cover.  and what do you think I saw?  I saw 'had'.  just hanging around, mocking me.  I nearly screamed.  but I didn't. 

I thought about ignoring it.  I thought about just leaving it and hoping that it would be okay with the readers.  I thought about pretending it wasn't there.  I thought about leaving it and then blaming the book company if someone complained about it.  I asked TP what she thought, should I stay or should I go, as the Clash would say.  and she said what was already in my heart.  so I am currently reviewing the entire document again, having removed the offending 'had' and replaced it with 'and', as it should be.  and now I have to see the entire thing again.  and though the story is still completely fantastic to me, I am in awe of just how much work goes into getting a book ready to print.  I have my work cut out for me in the future. 

today was good.  I got up with prayer, but my sleep was broken at a point.  woke about 230, went back to sleep about four, woke again at six.  I said prayers, got out of bed, made coffee.  sugar was 124, very good.  I had breakfast, after I took insulin and medicine.  I got myself moving, called my mom who decided she'd stay home, and I took the bath that i'd ran.  I groomed and bathed and washed my hair.  I got myself deodorized and dressed and I went to the Kingdom Hall.  the talk was good, but the Watchtower lesson was about dressing appropriately for a Witness and I felt a bit out of sorts.  always been an area of contention for me, subscribing to the notion that God cares about what I wear.  but I believe one should be presentable as a representative of God or any important thing.  a person going to court to be tried for a crime is told to wear a suit and get a haircut, right?

after that, I got gas, went to my CA meeting.  potluck was as small as it always is now.  me and Marc the only ones who bring anything.  but on the other side, very few people actually eat.  the spirit of the meeting is not what it should be for some reason.  very little participation.  very little attendance.  I don't want to stop going, but something needs to be addressed.  I came home, tried to nap and couldn't, and am now cooking dinner.  i'm going to eat, i'm going to work on the rest of this edit, i'm going to sleep and get up and start the week by starting the day should I be blessed to wake at all.  I feel good, the depression seems to have eased back a bit.  I thank you, Father, and ask for the guidance to do what you would have me do. 

understanding comes...

okay, the day first.  

already said i prayed and did my readings.  i also had breakfast, took meds and insulin.  this has been a day of thought and contemplation mostly.  i didn't clean as i started to.  i find that my mind drifts, it wanders and it dances with the events and the factors and attempts to fit pieces together and doesn't have as much success as i'd like, but a picture has been coming clearer.  

i did talk to Rachel and Lonnie, i did talk to my mother and father and wash a load of clothes.  i did not go see Heather as she's in solitary but she got word to me in a letter that she did get her assessment through Meridian and she did get an appointment for a priest to come in and hear her 5th step.  i did eat too much of the right things, and i feel full and bloaty, mostly due to not shopping yet.  i did not order the stuff from CA world service, but i will do that tomorrow.  i DO feel the depression more acutely today, but i did NOT spend the entire day in bed and i guess we take our victory in feet when they're moving and inches when they're crawling.  

I am planning on going to the Hall tomorrow and my CA meeting, and i am grateful, no matter what, that my God has been so very kind to me.  i'm done for now, understanding is being patient enough to let the mind do what it does best; figure shit out.  

what a day

i was so amped by the end of yesterday i forgot to update, but i'm going to get it done because i feel it's sort of landmark stuff.  bear with me.

i woke up and i said my prayers and i did my stretches and my meditation and i got dressed for the gym.  i did a fifteen minute meditation while on the treadmill, did a few weight machines and came home.  there was no further notification about a problem with the Lazarus cover so i kept it moving.  i got Syd out the door, had breakfast, got dressed and went to counseling.  the mood was a bit somber, not surprising considering Tuesday's developments.  all through the week my thoughts have been swirling as to how many people i know that are affected by this.  a good man gets maligned for 8 years, an unsavory man rises to the forefront of Amerikkkan politics and white people are orgasmic with joy that will end when they discover the rich take care of the rich.  but that's besides the point.  you don't miss the water til the well runs dry.

i came home, talked to Rachel, took a bath and went to pick her up.  we went to Walmart and had what amounts to our second row; she wanted to purchase the stuff i got for lunch with her stamps.  for reasons unmentionable here i paid for it myself.  she felt i was not thinking, and i felt she was missing the point again.  we had several moments of tension and they passed and the day got good after that.  i don't mind disagreements.  i don't dig anyone trying to play me for slow or stupid, and though i don't believe that was her intent (sarcasm is a trait we both work way too hard at), i don't often let that kind of shit slide.  but we had a good day after that.

i got word from CreateSpace, the book cover was accepted, they sent me a link to order proofs to go over one more time and then the book will be available for purchase.  HUZZAH!  i was beside myself with good vibes.  Rachel was there, a measure of success came through, a level is just about ready to be stepped up to.  we watched a movie, and then i took her to HER meeting.  And she went.  i wasn't permitted to go in because it was a 'closed' meeting (closed meeting: a meeting that is open only to members or those who are seeking help with that particular compulsion/addiction.  not for support people, family members or curiosity seekers).  i sat in the car, ran it periodically to stay warm, worked on a beat for a new ad, and eventually she came out and we talked about her feelings and thoughts immediately after the meeting.  i got us both something to eat and took her home.  i'd given her one of my meditation books earlier as well.

i came home and just felt...accomplished.  my blood sugar was good all day, with only one shot of long acting insulin, regular dose.  no Victoza yesterday.  i ate right, i exercised, and i felt good.  i may be unaccustomed to that, but at this point, i honestly think i could get used to a life like that.  with a job and some disposable income, of course. :-)

anyway, this is a new day.  i have prayed, i've read my meditation books, i've done crunches until my stomach cramped.  time to keep working on the core.  my sugar's a bit up, 145, but that's acceptable for first thing in the morning.  gonna have coffee, breakfast, clean some, see my parents, see Heather, eat and work on proofing one book and editing another for print.  time to walk strong into the days and the ones that might come after the days.  thank you, Jehovah.

i was wrong.

there is a point where a person has to accept their limitations.  it's not something that many of us were taught to do as children, and it's sort of funny, in a way.  when you're a child, or at least when i was, i was told that i could be anything that i wanted to be.  as a man, i know that i have limitations and to step beyond them is to court personal disaster.  i accept this, and in some ways i comply, but in many ways i push those boundaries every day.

i was wrong.

i got up this morning and i said my prayers and i turned everything over to Jehovah God, including an apology for my partaking in Tuesday's foolishness.  i did crunches because i have no core strength and i read from Revelation and three meditation books.  i then came in the living room, checked my email and found that Create Space was still having problems with my book.  this is after i've changed it i don't know how many times.  the cover, that is.  so, i called them and got the new specs and i got a new cover together and i submitted it, and by that point my monster had talked me out of the gym, but that was okay.

i was wrong.

i went to breakfast with Marc and i was strangely aware of all the white people around me.  now, mind you, i grew up in a completely mixed neighborhood on the east side.  Ayers Street.  my neighbors on one side were Italian, on the other side were Poles.  down two houses was a cop named Richard and his mother, white.  down the street from them was a biker/hippie enclave.  nice people.  blacks and Hispanics strewn all throughout.  as i look back on it now, i think we invaded and there were some people who decided not to have a problem with us and found that they were right, that we were human and just wanted life as they and everyone else did.  we got along.  there were weed sellers on the street and weed smokers.  everyone played together, rode bikes together.  eventually the young brothers down the hill got caught up in crack sales and became big time and notorious.   but i was grown and gone by then, and my parents were on their way to Liberty.

i was wrong.

i was aware of the white people in the restaurant.  i was aware of my friend Marc's whiteness.  I was aware of the waitress, the patrons and the truckers.  i was aware of a couple of Mexicans who were there for breakfast on their way to work, from the lime-green reflective vests, and i felt bad for them.  i was aware of the tension, like a sustained note from a violin in a horror movie, between the few blacks and the many whites.  i was aware of feeling surrounded.  i wondered, briefly, what it might feel like to get beaten until my blood poured from my wounds.

i was wrong.

i left there, went to Struthers and got Rachel's clothes because she was sick and needed fresh bedding.  I went to my parent's house to wash her stuff and visit.  Deedy came by and i spoke.  i talked to my dad about the election.  i spoke to my mom about dieting and about being willing to change habits of worrying about other people and neglecting herself.  i saw my brother, one of my sisters and my aunt.  i took Rachel's clothes back, talked with her for a bit, got my ass home and i thought.

i was wrong.

i thought about a woman on Facebook, a white woman, who has finally found her niche, in urging people unhappy with the election results to 'get out of the country'.  reports are coming in, few but sustained, about harassment and violence toward people of color, regardless of culture.  people are angry, people are afraid.  some people are jubilant.  three women at Golden Dawn tickled to be able to be bitches openly in regard to black people.

what comes next?

in the past couple years, i have watched cops publicly executing black citizens.  i have said, to my brother, that it struck me as a sort of 'proving in', or 'making your bones' in mob-speak.  in the world that is about to come, there will only be room for those who are open hostiles.  the cops who kill and say they felt 'threatened'.  the George Zimmerman's.  some, much smarter than i, began to lay the foundation for this all along.  no charges stick against a white officer killing a black man.  so much so, the one female officer shot herself in the leg and blamed it on black men.  8 years have driven most white people insane, and now they have a chance to let it all out.  and i ask myself, what comes next?  what is next for my people?  what is next for my child?

i was wrong.

this is not a good world, it is not a good country.  i've always known that.  what i was wrong about, what i was so fucking wrong about, was the amount of undercover racists who were just laying in the cut.  it was never that i thought the hate had abated. i think i just believed it wasn't quite as widespread as it was in the fifties and sixties.  but where could it had gone?  no one who killed Black Panthers was ever charged.  no one who killed freedom fighters were ever charged.  Emmitt Till's killers admitted to a national publication their murder and were never punished at all.  many who were a part of that murder are likely still alive.  a president gets his head blown off and no one is ever punished.  is that not because it was an inside job?  would not some of those who know all about it still be very much alive today?  this is America.  a place of open hostility as the result of secret insanities.  i misjudged.  i could have changed nothing, but if i missed this, then it's almost certain i've missed other things.

i have to do better.  or i have to stop trying.

and i haven't decided which just yet.

forgive me, Father.

frazz

my mind was occupied yesterday.  i would love to say that i was in shock because of the election results, but that would be a lie.  in my life, because of my affiliation with Jehovah's Witnesses, i've voted only three times, and regretfully once.  the first 2 were in '08 and '12, and you can guess what those were about.  the third was this past Tuesday, same reason, less belief, however.  i had no dog in this fight.  i have no expectations of white America other than what they have shown since they invaded these shores.  so for me to say now that i am extremely perturbed would be false and i am not a liar by habit any longer.

what i would say, however, is that i am watching the immediate reactions, the immediate responses and attempting to mentally and spiritually extrapolate the data into a direction in which things will be shown to proceed from this point.  i know the majority of poor and middle class white people are extremely happy, as if they are vindicated once again.  i know that there is a celebratory air in this city, as if something great had been accomplished.  there is a very subtle shift in the consciousness of this country, as if both male and racist energy had spiked with the concession of the opponent.  but what will come as a result of that?  that is the question. that is what requires an answer.

yesterday was a good day.  sugar was good, gym was good, needed to meditate and was a bit too frazzled to settle down and do so, Rachel was sick so no movie date, Lonnie is very upset by the developments of the election, sat and listened to three white women at Golden Dawn finally able to release their racist verbosity, ate as i was supposed to, rested well and am ready for the gym.  i will proceed as best i can until my mind works this out. as for me, I trust Jehovah, am sorry for participating in this joke called the 'democratic' process, and will sum up the day later.

progressive

this has been a good day.  i am happy with the way things have been going so far.  it's early, but i can see me turning in before it gets late and likely forgetting to do this at a later time, so best to get it in now.

i got up just before the alarm and shut it off.  i was sleepy and decided i'd just focus on getting the grass cut today, so i didn't hit the gym.  i prayed, but it was unfocused.  i still did my stretches despite the decision not to go to the gym today.  good habits take time to solidify.  i read my meditations while i stretched and i got up and went to check my email to make sure nothing else had come from CreateSpace.  once Syd left i had breakfast, baked bacon and two fried eggs, and i had coffee and water and milk.  i did get another email from the book people, and this time i called the customer service number.  turned out the 'cut-off' area they were speaking about was the tombstone in the corner with my name on it.  i told them that was just the cover design and the customer service person said she'd inform the tech people.  then i got to work.

i gassed up the mower, moved my car and cut the grass.  i didn't do my back hill, and i damn sure raked no leaves but i did cut.  i got finished in just over an hour, good time.  i put things away and got going to get my oil changed.  i got that done, went to the church on Cardinal and voted, though i still feel there was nothing to really vote for.  i went to the store after that, got steak for Syd and some odds and ends that i needed.  then i came home.

i called my parent's house, but no response.  i called Rachel, but she had the water people changing her meter so she couldn't talk.  i called Lonnie much earlier and didn't want to bother him again.  i had chicken florentine and soup for lunch.  not as fancy as it sounds; the ones pre-wrapped in the freezer section that you bake as individual things.  i watched a movie called 'The Secret' and i watched '13th', on Netflix, which was really angrily good.  currently i'm fixing this steak for Syd, going to peel potatoes for mashing and do some Cali blend veggies.  don't quite know what i'm in the mood for today.  but things are moving along, and i am happy with them.  more to the point, it is the 8th of November and i still feel pretty good.  that's an improvement.  thank you, Father.

the process

Oh, what fun.  this is getting to be a true test of patience for me.  fortunately, my spiritual development is back on track.

start with the day.

i got up, said prayers, stretched, got into my gym clothes, had coffee and went to the gym.  i did read a scripture and my meditation books before i went to the gym.  while on the treadmill, i listened to another half hour meditation on youtube, this one just transcendental type music with no guided imagery, but it was nice to do my own traveling through my thoughts.  then i got home, saw Syd off to school, had my breakfast, had a blood sugar of 178 (gasp!) and i took care of the things that were on my plate.  i called braking point for Heather but she's going to need an attorney to get a court order for a drug assessment.  perhaps i'll call legal aid tomorrow and submit her information.  see if maybe someone will go in and talk to her.  but that's legitimately the best i can do.

i took my dad to Wendy's as planned and i talked to him as best as i could.  it is not easy to talk to your parents, no matter what.  especially if you're not in the habit of it.  i spoke more to him today than i have in months.  i speak to my mother easier than i've ever spoken to my father.  but there were a lot of things i remembered as i sat with him, good things, pleasant things from childhood.  he apologized for trying to make me live up to the genius thing when i was a child.  i wasn't really sure what to say to that.  i still am not, to be honest.  but i guess he's going to live as he lives and if he knows that someone is looking out for him and is concerned about his well being, maybe that will be enough.

i went to take Rachel to her counseling after that, and i hung out with her briefly, then i came home.  i made pancakes for Syd and we went over her cap and gown information, and i had leftovers from yesterday.

the cover thing.  i am going through a company called CreateSpace, which is an affiliate of Amazon and operates like Kindle, except with printed books.  i am doing this because the pre-sale is dragging as i knew it would, and while i've no doubt i will eventually get 100 pre-sales, i know its going to take quite a bit longer than a few months for that to happen.  not doubting God, just taking into account all that i've been provided with as options.  now, once this cover meets their approval, the book will be ready and can be ordered by individuals, printed and shipped, with a split of the money as royalties for me and the lack of need to worry about shipping to other people.  to the ones who've already pre-paid, i am going to honor my agreement, purchase for them, have the bookmarks printed and do the poems and the signing.  but for anyone else, i'm going to cancel the personal poem part, and they'll have to get the books to me for signing.  i think that's fair.

i guess that's the day.  i'm going to go to my room now, talk to Rachel for a bit, and i'm going to do weights tomorrow, maybe get my grass cut for the very last time this season.  i'm grateful for a day of sharing and learning.  thank you, Father and thank you dad.

accomplishment and exhaustion

i didn't write yesterday, and i can say i had every intention on doing so, but i got caught in the throes of moving forward.  more on that later.

things have been going okay.  sugar's been holding, had a 138 this morning.  house is almost clean today.  i did pray, ate right, got to my meeting, did my meditation book reading, i was a participant in things and i have avoided the sense that i need to fix what is broken in other people.  from not being lenient on Heather and feeling sorry for her plight, because that's not going to aid her in developing a working recovery program, to not running to TF's rescue about her phone situation.  i have a self to take care of, a child and a home as well.  anything else happens as i go into my day to do my Father's will.

but i am tired.  tired through and through.

here's the thing.  the pre-sale stuff is moving slow, and i knew it would but i also know, or believe, that 'way leads on to way', paraphrasing Frost.  I got the process started.  i have people interested.  i've been using the social media thing, and i've been doing the video thing.  i've been learning, such as how better to price the services for putting someone's book into working order, getting it formatted for publishing.  i am still in a learning curve and have no problem with that at all.

but the slowness denotes the same thing that it's been all along.  there are a handful of individuals who are going to help me just because i ask.  there is a handful of people that i can cajole into helping me somewhat, until they duck and cover when they sense i'm near.  and there are whole forest-fuls of individuals who have no interest in helping at all.  people that i know, mind you.  and i can't be upset about that, because i already know it.

something new needs word to get out about it.  at the very least, it needs to have a presence in someone's mind, and that happens by effort, not chance.  people tend to think that those who succeed have a magic formula for their success, because the media presents it that way.  but magic is just well-arranged circumstances and a lot of work ahead of time.  and so, i decided to investigate Create Space, another Amazon service.

from what i can tell, it works just like Kindle, except for books in print.  so what it enables me to do is to get my book printed, AS MY BOOK, MY PUBLISHING, get it out to people through their distribution, and while the royalties are slimmer than i'd prefer, it saves me the hunt and hassle of doing the actual printing through someone who is going to gouge me for the service.  now, this is a temporary thing, but to get started, i have to get a book out.  and that book will be out much sooner than expected.  and i am grateful to God for that.

but the formatting of the book was the real lesson.  margins have to be a certain measurement, illustrations have to be a certain dot per inch (DPI), the cover has to be in pdf format and has to match the dimensions of your manuscript in its print-ready form, including the thickness of the spine cover.  it is learning, it is work, and it's fun but a stress.  and i was up all night working on it, and i was up early working on it too.

the book is wonderful.  i am biased, but i am also enjoying the story.  i've run through it four times in editing and each time my emotional ride has been the same.  i just hope people dig it the way i do, but that's not up to me.

i'm baking chicken breasts stuffed with a ricotta/feta/spinach/red onion/mushroom filling, wrapped in bacon.  i'm making broccoli with it, and maybe rice.  i had two small pieces of cod, three wings and about six fries for lunch.  i am finishing the chicken so i can sit back for a bit and reflect.  i feel good.  i can feel the depression all around me, but i'm going to keep moving.  thank you, Jehovah, for the blessing of creativity and satisfaction.

putting in work pt 2

turned out to not be such a bad day, though it wasn't nearly as productive as it might have been.  430 is hard on me when it comes to staying awake, turns out.  i did get to counseling, and i did get to my parent's house, but i was dragging badly.  i ended up  coming home for a nap before i could get my clothes dry.  i ate the rest of my corned beef and cabbage for lunch.  i had KFC for dinner, which sucked and sucks.  but i didn't feel like cooking.
i decided against Columbus.  something tells me i wouldn't be very comfortable there this week.  i trust my judgment.  things to do here anyway.
Rachel is very down about her 'excursion'.  there is nothing i can do.  a shortcut through a mine field is not the best way to go, no matter how much time it hypothetically could save you.  i listened to her and i said nothing.  i don't miss the casino.  i don't believe it would add anything to my life at this point.
i am going to clean tomorrow, finish the last 40 pages of Old Lazarus' editing, start thinking on the Thanksgiving meal and arrangements and otherwise just begin putting the blocks in place for the next level of Z-Phyles.  there is time, and the work is being done, so i have to be good to me and keep the faith.  Thank you, Jehovah, for a lovely day.

putting in work

...it's friday morning.  i missed logging yesterday because i was exhausted emotionally and mentally.  but i still should have taken the time to put something down.  discipline, for me, is working without excuses.  when i make excuses, i am being undisciplined and the sacrifice becomes negotiable.  and that's not going to happen.

so, it's friday morning.  yesterday i got up, said prayers, stretched, got in gym clothes, read meditation books and scripture, had coffee and went to the gym and did weights.  i came home, got my meds and insulin in me and headed out to pay my rent.  i paid the full amount, talked with the landlord for a few and ran back home briefly.  i took Lonnie a container of corned beef and cabbage, went to Big Lots in Boardman and headed to Dr Derosa's for my appointment.  my numbers were very good, though they felt 138/85 was high for blood pressure.  but i can live with that.  my sugar was 110 at the doctor's office, A1C was 6.3, down from 6.4 last time, and my weight is down about six pounds.  i went to visit my sponsor afterward as he lives around the corner from Derosa's office.  i got an old computer and printer from the wife, got a 4-digit number from my sponsor to play for him and made my way to Struthers.  i saw Rachel for a bit, talked with her.  she's hurting from the casino thing, but that was bound to happen.  i took her to get something for her to eat and dropped her back home.

i got in and fairly passed out.  i had worked the weights pretty hard and was exhausted.  i didn't sleep much but it was good to be lazy.  i eventually got up, got stuff put away from Big Lots, got back to work on editing Old Lazarus and had dinner.  i made some chicken and rice for Syd, a one pot thing, and then i put it down for the night.

so far today, it's rough.  i didn't want to move this morning, but i forced myself to.  i got up slow in thought and action, but i got prayers done, got dressed after stretching, got coffee and water and made it to the gym.  i put on a guided imagery video for my meditation today while i was on the treadmill.  glad the gym has their own wifi now.  i came home, started working on Lazarus, had breakfast after Syd left and am about to get ready for counseling.  think i'm going to try to have lunch with my dad today.  that's all i have for now, i'm sure i'll get back to this later.  oh, blood sugar 135 before insulin today.

trajectory

man, i'm tired today.  it was a good day, they've been all week so far, but i am tired and about ready to shut it down for the night.  this last thing, though.

I got up late and did not make it to the gym.  Rachel didn't get back until late, and i didn't get to bed until around 130 or so.  sleeping for three or five hours ain't getting it when i am on limited carbs.  i decided i'd just let it go, get there tomorrow, be productive in other ways today.

so i prayed, no stretches.  i checked my blood sugar, 138.  i read my meditations but did not do my breathing focus.  i had breakfast, a two-egg omelet and half an apple.  i ran a bath.  i washed and conditioned my hair, shaved my face, got myself clean and dressed and made my way to the meeting, stopping long enough to get a can of coffee.  the meeting was good, Step 5, admitting to God, self and another person the exact nature of wrongs.  i left early so i could go to lunch with Lonnie.  chicken marsala and broccoli, and a risotto that i only ate half of.  an edible lotus blossom that i ate, it tasted okay.  hope it doesn't kill me.

i went to Aldi's, in time to see my brother leaving the store empty handed.  he went in looking for coffee and could find none.  i told him where it was and went in with him.  i got stuff for my dinner salad and came home.  i was still tired, and i am still tired, but i talked to Syd about an issue she's having with a teacher and i have worked a bit on editing the book.

a girl i know died on Friday.  likely an overdose, but it's not been ascertained yet.  thing is, the dying is so frequent now, it's hard to get worked up about it.  they come, they decide they don't want to be around, that they're 'cured', and then they're gone forever.  but who knows?  maybe that's real human nature.

I am worried about Rachel's gambling, but i've already tried to suggest she get some help.  on that, her counselor and i agree, though her counselor was supposed to see to someone helping her find a GA meeting and that still hasn't happened.

i am going to shut it down.  i AM going to the gym in the morning.  i AM going to try to see my sponsor tomorrow.  I have rent to pay, supplies to purchase and a book to edit.  i'm so tired, i'm misspelling words like its an artform.  thank you, Father.

stronger...

11/1/2016

woke at 430am
prayed
stretched
dressed for gym
drank water
read from bible and meditation books
meditated
updated this log
(first half hour)

had coffee
went to gym

breakfast will be
2 boiled eggs
cheese

blood sugar - 138 waking

blood sugar before lunch - 114
lunch was
2 hamburger patties w cheese
stirfry veggies
soup.

dinner was baked steak strips with onions & mushrooms, half a baked potato and broccoli.


...i feel good.  i feel the changes already.  it doesn't take long when my attitude is in the right place.  I got up and got it started.  430 is a much better time, and i'm going to do it again tomorrow.  i was up, into my prayer and into my gym clothes and ready to stretch and read my meditation books and do my breathing and relaxation and sip my coffee and get my ass to the gym.  it was a good sequence.

i walked on the treadmill today, a mile and a quarter, and my highest heart rate was 143.  i ate breakfast once i got home, and i pulled up the video stuff i'd left onscreen for Old Lazarus and got to work on it.  I did it in the best way i could conceive this time.  i shot footage and figured out where it would go.  i wrote the poem first and that made the footage i needed easier to acquire.  i put the film and pictures together so i would know what kind of music would work best and i marked out different changes in the video for the time when they happened so i would know how to read and what effects i would use.  then i made the beats, did the synth and found the sound effects and put it together.  it runs well, with some parts that i wanted different but until i can upgrade to good software i won't complain about doing good with very little to work with.  that's what faith and maturity is all about, i believe.

anyway, Rachel's gone to the casino, Syd is 'too sick' to do anything for herself, allowed her mouth to get infected because she didn't call for any more antibiotic when she knew she lost a pill along the way.  i am tired, but i'm waiting for Rachel so i can take her home.  my plan is to lift on the weight machines tomorrow.  i'm going to lunch with Lonnie, and that will be a challenge but i'm going to stay responsive.  this isn't just to lose weight.  it's so i can hold up my end of the deal with my God.  and it's not that he made any deal with me.  it's that i am being blessed, and i have been for some time now.  i'm doing good things, working on my business and getting my book sold.  and i've been living like nothing good is happening.  i know my blessings come from God, so that would make that a slap in God's face.  i need to allow myself to accept discipline in my actions.  i need to be willing to sacrifice my selfish desire and my pleasure principles for what is truly beneficial to me.  i understand the meaning now of 'can't have your cake and eat it too'.  i still think it's a stupid saying, but i get the gist of it.  regardless, i'm going to work on me, and i'm going to have faith that i'm on the road to better things.  that's it.  Thank you, Father, and thank you toti, for getting me through another day.