perhaps...

i need to share something.

i am in a strange space, and it's mostly my own doing.  the part that's not my doing is life on life's terms.  yet, i can't let it go just yet, because everything i'm trying to do is now all tied in together.

you know, i get up every morning and i pray.  the days i forget to pray, i feel it.  i feel it in my attitude and in my lack of patience.  its like, i forget to turn it over to God, so i'm in the driver's seat.  and i don't know how to drive that vehicle.  i read maps, i don't run machinery.  God is the map-maker and the machinist, so i should just leave the details with God.  but sometimes, i forget.  i didn't forget today.  i prayed, but the prayers are beginning to feel routine to me.  i got up slowly, got into shorts and tee shirt and shoes slowly, had a cup of coffee and got ready to hit the gym.  i did weights, felt the ache in my shoulder and the strain of too many days without a workout.  but i got it in.

i came home, saw Syd off to school.  made a bacon & egg sandwich for breakfast.  decided i'd try the picture and vid taking thing again, try to get the material for the video posted above.  a good idea.  i got a bath, got dressed, went downtown.  parked by the DeYor, and i walked and took pictures.  i was talking to RAchel as i was walking.  i got to the coffee shop and i ordered a cup and went outside to film.  when i tried to start my camera wouldn't come on.  i figured i must have killed the battery and was upset, because this would be two wasted days.  i went to family dollar and got batteries, only to find that mine were still working.  but, i figured God was letting me know i need to be ready should my batteries simply die one day.

i took Rachel some cigars, talked with her for a few, then i went to the noon CA meeting.  i left a bit early, brought my ass home and had some lunch.  i then went back downtown, first to trade my remote for one that works, then to finish filming while i drove.

i got the shots i could get, came home and talked to Rachel again.  i asked her if she wanted to come to   

the meeting and she said she wanted to.  i laid down for a few, then made pasta for Syd's spaghetti and went to pick up Rachel.  i spoke at the meeting and we went to Perkins after and hung out until i dropped her off at home.

i got in, finished the video and got it uploaded, and i started thinking about the day.  about the month, in fact.  i am broke. about as broke as i can be.  i have to pay my phone bill tomorrow.  i have to make it for another week and a day before my money is in again.  i have to pay out almost as soon as i get it.  but i spoke at a meeting tonight, i went to two meetings today and i have everything i need, everything we need.  i don't know why i'm feeling so pensive, but its there.  lying about it won't make it go away.  i need one hell of a budget for next month, i have a great idea to get the publishing jump-started, and i am still not sure what tomorrow is going to bring.  i know i'm grateful, because this was just a pretty good day and because i'm nodding while i write this.  good night.