...lingering...

well, i'm sick.

and i've been sick since sunday night, or likely since sunday itself.  sort of explains why i was so very beat up by cutting the grass.

but i also missed two days of journaling, and that's not cool.  so this will of a necessity be brief, but it will be.

i've been medicating and trying to rest, but the details of life don't stop because i'm sick.

i've been praying, and getting up.  haven't been to the gym this week.  i've been to the printer, which was a good experience.  i took my dad to his doctor appointment on tuesday morning, which was a drag because of being sick and so damn early in the morning.  i've spoken to Rachel, but she's going through something right now.  i've not had much contact with Lonnie.  i've gotten a video done for The Land of Evolon, with Joshua, Lonnie's son.  i've been eating way too many carbs.  i'm weary, stuffy, and i feel like murdering someone.  that's about the extent of it for now.  i am grateful for life, but not very.  and i'm sorry about that.  maybe i'll feel better tomorrow.

out of it, in the groove...

damn, this has been an up-and-down day.  i didn't know i even posted anything yesterday, that's how much i've been missing in action lately.  i guess i'm feeling some apprehension about the coming things, but on with that in a few.  it's late, i'm sleepy, but i want to get this in and down before i'm out.

today i got up and had prayer, meds and breakfast.  i had eggs and bacon and grits, traditional black american sunday morning breakfast.  i got dishes done, had some coffee and got myself geared up to do the lawn.

that was contentious.  i didn't feel up to it, and the humidity has been rising again and taking the steam right out of me.  but asking Syd to do it brought about the usual drama, and rather than wait for the storm which would have left the grass higher and messier, i went out and cut it.  and it was rough going.  i had to stop several times.  heart rate way up, breathing labored, pouring sweat.  just the thickness of the air.  but i got it done.  then i took a shower, got dressed, gathered things i needed and went to my meeting.

the story in the big book today was one that i really love, because it's almost an exact replica of my own story.  and the meeting was small but it was decent.  i went home after, but i stopped at taco bell for cheap eats lunch.  still have five days before my money comes and goes again.

so i talked to Rachel, and i talked to TP, whom i'd not spoken to in some time.  she called me and i called her back and told her i have been not feeling communicative due to my impoverished finances, which isn't exactly true but it was good enough  i just haven't felt like speaking to someone whose life is usually drama-filled, and i don't feel bad about leaving that in hiatus.  i also got texts from Tracy this evening, to the same extent.  so something is changing in the atmosphere.

i decided on sausage, cabbage and potatoes pan-fried with onions, peppers, apple and pear slices.  very nice.  very comfort foody.  i cleaned the kitchen again, worked on my song and i tried to watch a movie Rachel gave me to watch but it wouldn't play in the DVD.  i'll try it on the laptop tomorrow.

Tuesday i'm going to City Printing to see about getting a price for printing.  The Book of Old Lazarus is going to be the first, and i'm going to get it printed under my own imprint.  i will know more from that point the direction i want to proceed with other authors.  i'm very excited, and ery nervous.  i've never been at this point in my life before, of really being on the verge of hitting next level because of conscious decisions and actions i've taken myself.  i am going to do it, and i'm going to get a run of Old Lazarus printed.  i've got Lonnie son Joshua coming by Tuesday evening to film for a new advert for Evolon, and i'm going to get some footage for Old Lazarus with my brother again.  things are coming along.  and i am blessed and will not overlook that at all.  it would be so easy and so dumb to start tooting my own horn, but if i am doing good things it is because Jehovah is providing me with good spirit to do them with, and i give full credit to Him for anything that blossoms from this.  i'm going to sleep now, if i can get under it all.

sometimes there is progress that doesn't feel like progress.

today, i got up as usual, prayer and coffee.  i didn't go to the gym, i was planning on later things.  plus, a certain meditation video had me at a huge level of sleep that i couldn't just rise out of.  so i had breakfast and i did my thing and i went to counseling.  Rachel asked me to call her in the a.m. but she didn't answer her phone so i just relaxed until she returned my call, at which time i went to pick her up.

we went to my mom's house and she visited with my parents, my aunt and Dominic, a young son of a friend, while i reinstalled the drivers on my mom's printer.  then i got started on searching for a book printer.  i have an appointment on tuesday with city printing, so i did okay with that.  after we came back to my apartment i ate and took long acting insulin.  Rachel had eaten at my parents house.  that's when we hit progress that didn't feel like progress.

i was working on sub-divisions of the business, such as the notion of one focus for youngstown artists and the larger, parent imprint being for state and national writers and the banner flown atop everything else.  so i asked Rachel what she thought about a logo.  she made some suggestions, and then i took off with it.  she pointed out, some time later as we were watching a movie, that i was acting as i usually do, like the 'we' i speak of is really just 'me'.  i got a bit irritable and told her that i am used to doing this alone but that i would love her input if she would jump in and put her hands on things.  i said i was trying to work on this but if she didn't speak on it how could i change it?  i took her home early, she says because her youngest hadn't been picked up by grandparents, but i believe we'd just hit a bit of a static place and needed space.

it's okay.  i am moving, i am doing most of the physical work, but my God is doing the real work.  and Rachel does need to get in, because it only makes you feel a part of if you become a part of.  just an update before i go back under.

the return of the humidity

melting like a motherfucker.
so, there's a power outage in the morning, apparently due to a storm big enough to knock out some powerlines, or at least one.  and it's a nice, warm and dry morning following it.  then the day just gets steamier and steamier, and despite the rain that fell later in the day and the flashes of lightning and rumblings of thunder, it is stifling and humid again.  this has been an epic summer, i want to hear no one bitching about 'we ain't been getting no summers' any longer.  just shut up.

anyway, got most of the goals hit today.  i did see my parents.  i did get a response from Syd's teacher.  they can't do the perfect binding on the book but she has some info for me on a company that does.  i'm going to contact CCA Graphics tomorrow, as i didn't get to it today.  i got everything cleaned but the bathroom and that can be done in the morning.  got my mom's laptop updated and her log in works, but i have to see about her printer tomorrow.  talked to both Lonnie and Rachel.  will likely see Rachel tomorrow.  she asked about visiting my mom, so i have to think perhaps she's warming to me.  we'll see.

i don't know how good sleep is going to be tonight, but i'm going to try.  put on some meditation music, lay back and try to go under.  walk in the morning.  and i am grateful for this day.  the power outage is a very good lesson for when you are remembering just how much control you have over the universe around you.  humility is a good habit to get into.   thank you, Jehovah, and good night.

blackout

starting early, getting back out of the bed so i can get my house together.  started my day early in darkness.  something happened, 4am blackout.  mighta been a storm.  but it was dark.  meditation video and fan going out woke me up.  checked outside, the dark of the neighborhood on an overcast night is a bit unsettling.  so no walk.  went to the gym.  first prayed, made coffee in french press, made sure Syd was cool.  did half a mile on the treadmill to check my knee, all good.  did some weights, came home and got started fixing breakfast for my brother.  got Syd out the door.  finished cooking, my brother was running late so i ate without him and fed him when he got here.  tired though, but i got things to do, not many.  going to start cleaning, back room, kitchen.  go to my mom's and try to get her laptop logged in.  going to wash a small load while i'm there.  get the rest of the house done later.  hamburgers and soup for dinner.
i feel good, the thing with TCTC didn't pan out but the instructor has someone she uses and will get me the information.  going to contact CCA Graphix to see what they can do price-wise.  then i can start finalizing some details for my business plan.  more later.

when change comes...

...at certain times, it's hard to really get my mind around the changes.  i have apprehensions, earned and deserved but unwelcome in big ways.  and i have fears, about 70 percent irrational, but the 30 percent is experience, and how do you just ignore that?

i didn't hit the gym today, but i got up and got to work.  said prayer, took meds and insulin, had breakfast.  i got the measurements on Janice's Journal and wrote them down to start searching for a printer.  i made the cover completely, which made me very happy indeed.  i got to my meeting and got things set up, with a promise to my mom i'd stop by for lunch afterwards.  i had talked briefly to Rachel before the meeting, and briefly as i was sitting with my mother.  we had Chinese food from Fortune Garden for lunch; well, i had wings and hot & sour soup and an egg roll.

i came home, after i picked up a couple things from the store, and i lazed about for a bit.  i sent an email to Syd's instructor in VD&I about possibly doing the printing on Old Lazarus and am waiting on a call.  i have to get some sort of price for that book in order to begin figuring out the rest.  but i am on a good path, and i can tell that.  Syd and I had breakfast for dinner.  my brother will be coming by for breakfast, and we'll have breakfast for breakfast.  i talked to Rachel for a good while this evening, caught her coming in the house.  her comfort level in my life seems to have increased significantly in the last couple of weeks, but that is part of my apprehension as well.  i don't want the other shoe to drop.  i definitely hate the feeling of waiting for it to happen.  so there is change.  good change.  different scenarious coming to the fore.  and the question, the real question, is do i have the faith and the willingness to move thi forward?  i pray to Jehovah that the answer is yes.  but for now, the answer is bed.  and sleep.  and the morning will bring what it brings.  'There'll be water, as God wills it', yes?

perhaps...

i need to share something.

i am in a strange space, and it's mostly my own doing.  the part that's not my doing is life on life's terms.  yet, i can't let it go just yet, because everything i'm trying to do is now all tied in together.

you know, i get up every morning and i pray.  the days i forget to pray, i feel it.  i feel it in my attitude and in my lack of patience.  its like, i forget to turn it over to God, so i'm in the driver's seat.  and i don't know how to drive that vehicle.  i read maps, i don't run machinery.  God is the map-maker and the machinist, so i should just leave the details with God.  but sometimes, i forget.  i didn't forget today.  i prayed, but the prayers are beginning to feel routine to me.  i got up slowly, got into shorts and tee shirt and shoes slowly, had a cup of coffee and got ready to hit the gym.  i did weights, felt the ache in my shoulder and the strain of too many days without a workout.  but i got it in.

i came home, saw Syd off to school.  made a bacon & egg sandwich for breakfast.  decided i'd try the picture and vid taking thing again, try to get the material for the video posted above.  a good idea.  i got a bath, got dressed, went downtown.  parked by the DeYor, and i walked and took pictures.  i was talking to RAchel as i was walking.  i got to the coffee shop and i ordered a cup and went outside to film.  when i tried to start my camera wouldn't come on.  i figured i must have killed the battery and was upset, because this would be two wasted days.  i went to family dollar and got batteries, only to find that mine were still working.  but, i figured God was letting me know i need to be ready should my batteries simply die one day.

i took Rachel some cigars, talked with her for a few, then i went to the noon CA meeting.  i left a bit early, brought my ass home and had some lunch.  i then went back downtown, first to trade my remote for one that works, then to finish filming while i drove.

i got the shots i could get, came home and talked to Rachel again.  i asked her if she wanted to come to   

the meeting and she said she wanted to.  i laid down for a few, then made pasta for Syd's spaghetti and went to pick up Rachel.  i spoke at the meeting and we went to Perkins after and hung out until i dropped her off at home.

i got in, finished the video and got it uploaded, and i started thinking about the day.  about the month, in fact.  i am broke. about as broke as i can be.  i have to pay my phone bill tomorrow.  i have to make it for another week and a day before my money is in again.  i have to pay out almost as soon as i get it.  but i spoke at a meeting tonight, i went to two meetings today and i have everything i need, everything we need.  i don't know why i'm feeling so pensive, but its there.  lying about it won't make it go away.  i need one hell of a budget for next month, i have a great idea to get the publishing jump-started, and i am still not sure what tomorrow is going to bring.  i know i'm grateful, because this was just a pretty good day and because i'm nodding while i write this.  good night.

Blaaaaaah...

...a long, slow day.  a day of no activity that amounted to anything.  there are days such as this, and they come from time to time.  but they are my least favorite days, and i am always in need of some serious movement when they happen.

i got up okay, good sleep with one of the Binaural beats humming in the background.  i said prayers, but i nodded in the middle of my prayer so i knew it was going to be one of those days.  i was moving slow, didn't get anywhere near going to the gym.  i took insulin and meds, and i ate breakfast.  i worked with the bass melody for a song, but i got nothing really done with it, got no better with it.  i have a beat, the bass will create the pocket which will tell me how it should be sung.  but more on that later.

i eventually left, decided i'd try to sell these raffle tickets to the Black Knights police association on Oakland.  but the old fire station looked pretty unkempt.  as if no one had been occupying that space for a while now.  riding through that part of the north side made me really sad, as it is where about 50 percent of my childhood memories went to die.  neither of my grandparent's houses are standing anymore.  i passed a stretch right off the freeway where the wall of a building that was gone before i was of wandering age used to be, and i remembered the blackberries and raspberries we'd pick right from the bush/tree and eat as we walked.  i went past houses whose families i used to know and looked for the alleys we'd travel as kids to get more quickly and quietly from one place to another, but they are still all filled in.  as if we left and there was no longer any need for these things to exist.  the old playground is now a community garden.  all the old stores are gone.  it was like driving through a graveyard.  and i was one of the ghosts.

as i rode through downtown i took film that i wanted to use for an ad, but it wasn't good shots of anything.  what i really wanted was to park and get some shots of people, but i couldn't find a parking place.  so i took them in motion, went to save them to Google Drive and deleted the video only to find not one of them uploaded to my cloud and now they're gone.  i have no film to work with.

i visited my mom, talked with her for a bit while i tried to retrieve my vids.  i went to Sav-a-Lot to get somethings to make spaghetti for dinner.  i got some wings for my lunch and had them with a salad.  that was the end of my pretense at productivity today.  i talked to Rachel, i napped, and i laid around.  the spaghetti was good and now i'm going to sleep so i can get my ass up and to the gym in the morning.  i am still grateful to God, as i know many weren't even able to open their eyes this morning.  time to go.

Results

realizations came today. not all pleasant but all lessons.
i managed to kill my Citi card yesterday, but i did it mostly getting Syd's school stuff, and survival things.  though it begs the question of survival next month, i am blessed to have had it on hand, as i have Syd ready to begin school.
then there was the meeting, in which we only had six guys or so, all guys, but it was a great meeting.  and i had a chance to talk, at least, to the two individuals i'd been praying about, and one seems to be okay with modifying and the other is asking questions, which is better than simply being silent.  it is a compromise that i can live with, though i never uttered a threat whatsoever.
then i did visit Rachel, gave her a gift of a pendant of Horus, and we talked for awhile and that was nice.  i told her she was welcome to come by for stir-fry while she was out, but i didn't think she'd make it this way. it was okay though, as i did get a chance to see her, big ticket item.
i got up and prayed, and i slept in a bit as i didn't have to just hit the floor running.  i got my laundry done, got the last of the school shopping done and i had breakfast and insulin and meds before i started getting ready for my meeting.
so, this week is going to be a change.  it's the beginning of the last year of Syd's primary school.  i don't know what happens in the future.  but i know it is coming, and as long as i am sober and able, i will see it with faith that it's worked out already.  i only need to know who's handling the details, i don't worry about the details themselves.  and i feel assured that they're being handled.
i have to speak at a meeting on Tuesday night.  other than that, it was a good enough kind of day.
thank you, Father.

Well, this was a pretty good day, but in a very slow way.  this picture is my buddy, Dorlando Gale, better known now as Lando Gale, but we knew his by his open mic moniker of LandOriginal.  he is a good poet, and a very good brother.  he was one of the ones who was just starting out and the 'vets' of the Columbus open mic scene wouldn't give him a play, and he was content to wait in the wings until they threw crumbs.  when he hooked up with us, the Church of the Eternal Vibologism, he stretched his talent and imagination to first rate status which was always there but he had to believe, and he had to have someone believe in him.
he's had some illness and that is not his normal fighting weight.  another of those paradigm shifts that make me sad, but to see my little spirit brother and spend even a few moments with him was worth the entire day for me.

so i didn't do much today, but i had no plans to do much so it worked out well.  Rachel had come by yesterday and we had frittata for dinner and watched some movies and hung out and it was wonderful.  and i got up this morning and decided to sleep in a bit and take it slow.  i was going to go downtown for the african american male health event, but i didn't feel healthy or very african american, though i always feel black.  that's where Lando was, but he said he'd get with me and i also didn't want to try to get time while he was doing his organization thing.  i had breakfast, took meds, went to the store for toilet paper, lawd...i went to see my parents, had wedding soup and a chicken sandwich for lunch, talked to Rachel a couple times, Lonnie once, i was frustrated dealing with both my parents but they're my parents so the frustration don't matter.

i had dinner, watched Key Largo, got my keyboard from ebay and started noodling to see how much my fingers remember (not much), and i felt good.  the humidity is rising again but that's par for the course.  i am going to pray tonight and tomorrow morning, and i'm going to talk with Bob and Matt before the meeting tomorrow.  if it comes down to nothing being said or nothing being heard, i am walking away, getting back solid with my bible studies.  which i need to do anyway.  i feel blessed.  i know i have been.  and i'm not going to keep shorting on my end of the deal.  i am made better by that by Him whom I owe everything to. thank you, Jehovah.

close to home

early in the day so far.  i've gotten off to a good start.  it's still strange, sometimes.  when you start right, the day goes right. not always, but enough of the time to make me believe in such things.  i am doing this now, because i'm going to lunch at one and have some straightening to do, and i want to make sure i get this in one way or the other.  

i prayed and got dressed for the gym this morning because i wasn't feeling the gym.  i was feeling going back to sleep.  and i knew that wasn't supposed to happen.  when i get up and put on the shorts, i tend to head for the gym.  i had coffee and water, took two tylenol and took off about six.  put in about 45 minutes, came home, took meds and insulin and had breakfast, sausage, eggs and toast.  i watched a little tv, worked on my song a bit more and then got ready for counseling.  

today we talked mostly about recovery stuff, about the dysfunction and its effect on me.  i can't say it doesn't affect me at all, because of course it does.  but it shows me, as i look at it closely, that i've come a long way, and its for the better.  i know i can't save the Program.  it's not mine to save.  i believe that God will make things right or he'll open another door for those who are truly seeking to live good lives without drugs and alcohol.  but God didn't assign that to me.  and everyone has free will, a choice.  i am going to do what i can to walk this thing through, but if it is too toxic, i will leave, because self-preservation is the first law of nature.  

i'm going to lunch with Lonnie, then i'm coming home to clean my space.  i may stop in on my parents after lunch.  my dad sounds sad and my mom is worrying about me as usual.  i'll probably add more to this later, but for now, i know it's been a good day and i'm very thankful for that.  i hope i remember to stay grateful, and with God's help i will.  

off day

i am feeling a lot better today, but i'm not sure exactly why.  i'm not complaining about that either, just that this was a weird sort of day and having gotten some things done is and was an accomplishment.

i got up with prayer and decided i'd cut the grass today.  i had coffee and water, took meds and insulin, had breakfast and watched a bit of television.  then i suited up and gassed up the mower and got started, just about 8 in the morning, have mercy.  i didn't know if it was going to rain or not, so i wanted to get it done.  plus, i'd skipped my walk and i'm trying to stay on the exercise path at the moment.  i got it done, Joe cut the back hill for me, and then i refreshed with ice water.  Syd and Joe went so she could get her pants and whatnots for school.  i took a bath, washed my hair and shaved my face.  i messed around online a bit and then got ready to go to the store.

i'd talked to Lonnie, and what i knew was coming had come.  his child, who basically threw a hissy fit upon learning that Lonnie didn't have the money to send her to Arizona for school because the school jacked up the price on them, and of course got her way which involved herself, her girlfriend and the sick cat being driven across the country by Lonnie, his wife and son, and them having to take a plane home...she's not doing well on her third day of school and is ready to come home.  and while Lonnie says she's going to have to work it out, i'm fairly sure he'll end up making arrangements to get her home.  she's had health issues for the last two years of school.  she's struggled with classes.  i'm sure her decision to go no matter what had more to do with talks between her and  her significant other moreso than any individual thought involved, but of course it means Lonnie has to work like a fucking slave to see to her tantrum.  its his child, he can raise her how he feels is best however.

i talked to Rachel briefly, my mom briefly and went to the store to get dinner.  i got Syd and I some lunch as Joe and she are having some issues that point toward Syd essentially toying with this poor fool.  but also none of my business.  i find myself thinking, however, that a person with a malleable gender chooses to be the sex they were born with and begin acting just like the worst of their gender.  but that's not my business.

i put a song together and have to get lyrics done for it.  i am tired, i've eaten dinner and taken night insulin and meds.  i miss hanging with Rachel but who knows how it's all going to turn out.  i'm weary, so i'm going to thank God for this day and i'm done.  

fuel injectors functioning...

but only at 80 percent.  so we'll have to make do, right?

i enjoyed today, for the most part.  i did what i said i was going to do, prayers and got to the gym, came home and ate, cleaned my kitchen, worked on some music for the next ad, planned out a few moves that are necessary.  i went to Stambaugh Auditorium and got tickets for the W Kamau Bell set next month.  i paid the meeting rent for July, and we had a good meeting.  i had taken chicken out and put it in a saline brine before i left to make for dinner.  i called my mom but she wasn't home.  talked to my dad briefly.  got a few things for dinner.  talked to Rachel for a couple hours.  talked to Lonnie.  i got money from Chris towards Syd's school stuff.  i made greens and rice and chicken for dinner.  i talked to my brother today.  i stayed in my zone and felt pretty good.  tomorrow, weather permitting, i'm going to get my grass cut.  i'm going to finish this song and figure what i'm going to do with it.  i'm going to get some other things done.  i'm planning a smaller thing for Rachel saturday, so as not to scare her off.  and i'm hoping this pain in my calf lets up, as i'm sick of hurting.  but i'm grateful, i feel my spirit is higher than it's been.  and it's not as humid today, so there's some validity to that as well.  thank you, Father.

fuel injector test today

https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B005H1ZW0K

i've been so out of it over the last few days.  i've got pains in my knees, and my left shoulder is constantly aching.  i am supposing this is arthritis, but i'm no doctor.  i only know the humidity of this summer has been a beast, and if that is an excuse it is the only one i have, but it is the truth.  i've felt like doing nothing but sitting and moaning, and now it's time to get back to work.

it's 4:39.  i'm up, coffee is on.  i've said my prayers.  i'm dressed in my gym shorts and a tee shirt.  it's time for the gym in an hour.  i'm going to stretch before i go.  i'm going to take tylenol before i go.  i'm going to hydrate before i go.

i've gotten Syd's major supplies.  her mother is supposed to be sending money for her pants, as she gets school shirts at her school.  i've paid her school fees and her Ipad insurance.  i have a belt for my pants.  i've been working on my peripherals for my business and i'm ready to get back to the main work today.  i feel good.  so i wanted to start with the task of putting this down on the Orbit so i can re-develop the daily habit of looking at me.  i am grateful and appreciative of my God taking care of me and my family and friends.  i am thankful that we have enough, when my eyes always seem to register not enough.  that's why it's important to know how to 'see' with your heart too.  okay, i'm done for now.

The Land Of Evolon (Kindle Book)

gotta push on

it's been a long, hot weekend.  and it's time to get busy. fuck the humidity, i can't keep laying back, when my entire life is right ahead of me.

let's start from friday.  i was at home, and i should have been cleaning, but i was as lazy as i could be, and i didn't get much done.  i got the greens cleaned, did them in the bathtub after i cleaned it out and i got them into the pot.  i worked on them until they were as good as i was able to get them and i went to bed after everything was turned off.  

saturday, i got up with prayer, i got my meds and insulin, i went and bought myself some taco bell breakfast because i didn't have space in the kitchen plus i was feeling lazy.  i got my house cleaned, talked to my dad about helping him put dirt down in the yard, though that never materialized because while he may be inclined toward doing unnecessary things in the hot humid sunlight, i am not.  but i felt kind of bad because i said i would and i also told him i'd be a minute getting there and he did what i figured he would; he got it done.  

i went to Rachel's uncle's house for his birthday party that Rachel did all the work for.  it was nice enough but i was put off because i listened to both her mother and her uncle act as if one didn't plan it and mandate Rachel into doing all the work and the other was very ungrateful to someone for doing a birthday party for him.  and Rachel was exhausted.  i took her to give her mother's car back, bought her an icee from burger king, i helped her bring the food out and set the table for people to get plates.  i covered the food while she was picking up her daughter because her son didn't.  i met her grandmother, talked to a few people, couple i'd just met, i left after about three hours, i ate and had a decent time and i came home, drained and beat up, after i stopped at sav-a-lot to get bags of collards to fill out my greens order for the next day.  i rested, ate some dinner and went to bed, slept like a fucking brick.

today, i got up with prayer, had breakfast, worked on an entire song and commercial for the release of The Land Of Evolon, which i'm going to list today.  i seasoned up the greens and let them simmer to blend in the fresh seasoning, and i got them gathered up and went to the club.  helped the guys get things set up, we had a good turn out, a good amount of food, and both raffles went well.  the meeting was just open discussion and it went okay too.  lot of food left, i gave my parents a lot of what i brought home, only bringing enough for me for dinner tonight.  i talked to Rachel a couple times, talked to Lonnie once, talked to my brother once.  i am going to the gym in the morning, going to get Syd's school stuff ordered and her fees paid, get my phone paid and my payment to Paypal.  i feel good but i am tired, but that don't matter.  i can't keep waiting on the weather to get shit done, because the weather changes but my goals do not.  so, i thank Jehovah God for permitting me this day, this progress, these goals and the love that is available to me, and i'm done.  

from suspended animation

i've been out of it for the past two days.  the humidity is an absolute beast, and it's been leaving me with no energy by the end of the day.  i'm doing this at 11 in the morning just so i know its done.

all that's been happening is the heat.  this is Saturday.  i've cleaned my apartment.  i've had breakfast.  i have finished the greens for Rachel's uncle's party and for our cookout at the sunday meeting.  i have prayed, i've had coffee.  i'm not really looking forward to Rachel's uncle's thing, but i'm looking forward to Rachel so it's what it is.

i've been to visit parents.  i've been to counseling.  i've been hot and sticky and irritable.  i'm not going to be out all day but i'm going to be as sociable as i am able to.  if i have anything more to write on this later, i will.

drowning in humdity

to Toti, to myself and anyone who bothers with this, i am so sorry about the days i'm missing.  it is a slow swelter in the world i occupy at this point.  it is hard to sleep and it is hard to wake up.  and sometimes, once i'm in my bed, it's all i can do to just fade away into slumber.  right now, i am sweating, beneath the breeze of a useless fan.  i could sleep in the living room, but i am not going to get into that habit.  it doesn't matter.  change is coming, and we'll see what it brings when it gets here.

today wasn't bad.  i didn't get to the gym or walk though.  i did pray, have breakfast, wash dishes, get Evolon up and loaded on Kindle, got my website updated informationally, got to my meeting, talked to Rachel and Lonnie, had lunch and dinner and did not get too lost in my own head.  i got breaks for Will to put on Suzy Q tomorrow and i will order Syd's stuff for school.  i'm going into the hole, no way to avoid it.  but i'll come out again, as soon as is possible.

meanwhile, back to the grind.  i'm sleepy and hot, but i feel good.  going to the gym tomorrow, no excuses.  thank you, Father, for forgiving me for my weaknesses.

...in conclusion...

This has been fun.

I honestly don't have enough days where i can say that, but this has been a pretty good day.  even looking at the last of the primary deductions from my bank accounts and seeing that i'm on fumes for the rest of the month didn't diminish it for me, and that's saying something.  i might feel bad tomorrow, but i'm going to feel pretty good today.

to start with, i wasn't feeling it but i got to the gym today.  i had some really strong coffee last night with Rachel, made it in my French press and it was maybe a cut and a half below espresso.  and i still got up, grumpily, got dressed reluctantly and took my ass to the gym.  i said my prayers and got in good spirit, and i had a good workout, though i was still sore from the walk yesterday.  i'm going to walk it again tomorrow though, so there's that.

i got back from the gym, took meds, took insulin, had an omelet and toast for breakfast, laid back down for a little bit, got a call from my mom and decided just before noon that i would go and visit them.  talked to my aunt about writing a more, um, unrelated-to-me review for THE BOOK OF OLD LAZARUS, which she said she loved.  i talked to my dad about his thing at Karen's birthday thing yesterday, as he was feeling a bit down about them stopping him from giving his whole talk.  he was funny, but it was more just a chance for Karen to have her glory and he was stealing a small bit of her thunder, is my best guess.  i talked to my mom as well, and then i went to the store and came home.  

i started cleaning the greens someone gave me from the meeting yesterday and i had lunch, some lasagna.  i put the rest of my video together (included here) and i got it posted on youtube and facebook.  i am going to get Evolon edited and uploaded on Amazon Kindle by this weekend.  i made taco salad for dinner, Syd and I hung out watching cartoons, Jo took my car to have the air checked out at the tech school he goes to (its a motor blown in the ac, not something they can fix) and i feel good all the way around for the most part.  i got my pants out of the cleaners with the alterations done, i am ready to fix my brother his birthday breakfast in the morning after my walk and i have taken my evening meds.  so, yes, it's been a good day, been a fun day, been a day where, as with the promo, i can see how i am getting better at what i'm doing.  now i'm ready to stop hesitating and get back to my business plan.  so i thank my Father, Jehovah, for the blessing of breath, a mind and a heart full of feelings, and i'm going to shut it down now.  good night.  

back to it

yesterday, i had given my word to Rachel (who didn't exactly ask for it but did hint at the likelihood that it couldn't be done) that I would do nothing, and i did nothing, including write.  so that was a day in this journey that shall go unaccounted for, save to say i wish i hadn't given my word and had cleaned in my space.

regardless...

today was a good day.  i got up and said my prayers and slowly got into my clothes for a walk.  i brewed coffee and had a cup, which was very good, and then i walked my new route.  it measures out at 2.1 miles, and it takes me from my front door down Colonial to Cardinal, across to Goldie, up to Hadley and then back to Colonial and my front door.  i made the trip in just under an hour.  it was a good cool morning for the walk.  i felt several times (not knowing the distance beforehand) that i would find some easier, softer way, to paraphrase the Big Book.  but i kept my pace and only stopped once, early, to look at a Hillary for president sign by LiUNA, which i wanted to know what kind of name that was and found it was the laborers international union of north america, i believe.

once i returned, i had more coffee, a large glass of lemon water that i keep for my walking days, i had breakfast, ran a bath, got cleaned up, laid about briefly and then went to my meeting.  i had plans for my old associate's birthday party and Rachel was accompanying me, so a plan for the afternoon was already in place.  stopped at the store to get ice cream for the cake Marc was bringing for Bob's birthday and got to the meeting.  i was disturbed early and am still forced to consider my position in things.  Bob, a guy i used to sponsor until he began to take shortcuts and feel pretty much like he could do the parts he wanted to and skip the rest, decided he's going to take a champagne drink to toast his daughter's wedding.  now, i can't stop someone from doing something if they really want to.  but after (supposedly) 10 years sober, you're going to casually decide to have a drink to toast your daughter?  and, having made that decision before hand, you really feel this is not a plan you've been coming to for some time?  i know he's spending a lot of time with TP, from the previous orbit, and i doubt seriously if she has decided to stop drinking.  the new recovery rubric seems to be that you can do what you want, make choices to relapse and not call it a relapse, or make a decision to use and just chalk it up due to the low volume.  thing is, i'm not going to find the willingness to continue to be the conscience of a fellowship in which every single member is supposed to comprise what we call the 'group consciousness'.  if one person is the morality of the group that group is in trouble and the individual in question is likely on shaky ground.  and i can't afford that today.

Rachel and i went to the birthday party.  the eggplant parmesan was good, and mashed potatoes were real and the chicken wasn't bad.  it was a very...interesting affair, and while i managed to not show outright bafflement at the display, i did not get away without some disdain showing on my face.  but i did learn that change within me can be triggered by a multitude of things, and in the end, it doesn't matter if i like Karen.  she is what she is and apparently at least a room full of people think pretty well of her, and what else matters?

Rachel and I hung out, drank coffee and ate Soul Soup (my creation).  we talked, we laughed, we thought and we had a nice time, in the after-ness behind the birthday party.  i dig her, but i was right about her casino excursion and she's going to have a difficult month.  but, she is in my prayers, and i hope she finds release from her obsessive/compulsive gambling.

i'm going to sleep now, thank you, Jehovah.

oh, that's a card i made for my brother's birthday on Tuesday.  gonna make him some breakfast and give him a card and a hat.  that's about the size of that.

(this should have posted on the 7th of August, and it didn't.  i'm sorry)

back to it

yesterday, i had given my word to Rachel (who didn't exactly ask for it but did hint at the likelihood that it couldn't be done) that I would do nothing, and i did nothing, including write.  so that was a day in this journey that shall go unaccounted for, save to say i wish i hadn't given my word and had cleaned in my space.

regardless...

today was a good day.  i got up and said my prayers and slowly got into my clothes for a walk.  i brewed coffee and had a cup, which was very good, and then i walked my new route.  it measures out at 2.1 miles, and it takes me from my front door down Colonial to Cardinal, across to Goldie, up to Hadley and then back to Colonial and my front door.  i made the trip in just under an hour.  it was a good cool morning for the walk.  i felt several times (not knowing the distance beforehand) that i would find some easier, softer way, to paraphrase the Big Book.  but i kept my pace and only stopped once, early, to look at a Hillary for president sign by LiUNA, which i wanted to know what kind of name that was and found it was the laborers international union of north america, i believe.

once i returned, i had more coffee, a large glass of lemon water that i keep for my walking days, i had breakfast, ran a bath, got cleaned up, laid about briefly and then went to my meeting.  i had plans for my old associate's birthday party and Rachel was accompanying me, so a plan for the afternoon was already in place.  stopped at the store to get ice cream for the cake Marc was bringing for Bob's birthday and got to the meeting.  i was disturbed early and am still forced to consider my position in things.  Bob, a guy i used to sponsor until he began to take shortcuts and feel pretty much like he could do the parts he wanted to and skip the rest, decided he's going to take a champagne drink to toast his daughter's wedding.  now, i can't stop someone from doing something if they really want to.  but after (supposedly) 10 years sober, you're going to casually decide to have a drink to toast your daughter?  and, having made that decision before hand, you really feel this is not a plan you've been coming to for some time?  i know he's spending a lot of time with TP, from the previous orbit, and i doubt seriously if she has decided to stop drinking.  the new recovery rubric seems to be that you can do what you want, make choices to relapse and not call it a relapse, or make a decision to use and just chalk it up due to the low volume.  thing is, i'm not going to find the willingness to continue to be the conscience of a fellowship in which every single member is supposed to comprise what we call the 'group consciousness'.  if one person is the morality of the group that group is in trouble and the individual in question is likely on shaky ground.  and i can't afford that today.

Rachel and i went to the birthday party.  the eggplant parmesan was good, and mashed potatoes were real and the chicken wasn't bad.  it was a very...interesting affair, and while i managed to not show outright bafflement at the display, i did not get away without some disdain showing on my face.  but i did learn that change within me can be triggered by a multitude of things, and in the end, it doesn't matter if i like Karen.  she is what she is and apparently at least a room full of people think pretty well of her, and what else matters?

Rachel and I hung out, drank coffee and ate Soul Soup (my creation).  we talked, we laughed, we thought and we had a nice time, in the after-ness behind the birthday party.  i dig her, but i was right about her casino excursion and she's going to have a difficult month.  but, she is in my prayers, and i hope she finds release from her obsessive/compulsive gambling.

i'm going to sleep now, thank you, Jehovah.

oh, that's a card i made for my brother's birthday on Tuesday.  gonna make him some breakfast and give him a card and a hat.  that's about the size of that.

life on life's terms

i can appreciate a nothing day from time to time.  there's not really as many of them as i sometimes bitch about.  i guess the truth is, a nothing day that you choose feels much better than a nothing day that is chosen for you, but that's just my thinking.

i didn't walk today, was up late talking to Rachel.  she got her new phone and called and we talked for an hour or so.  i did say my prayers, i did have breakfast and i've been working on The Land of Evolon all day.  i'm almost done with it, and it is appropriately sad in the ending that now sits in my head.

i've done no cleaning and have no plans to.  i've had way too many carbs today, but that's just part of being lazy.  i went to the store and got my brother a birthday card, but i'll probably make him one as i do want to give him something more heartfelt.  i also got a card for the woman's birthday thing on sunday, and i will go and i'll be cordial and civil because that's the kind of person i want to be today.

i talked to Rachel earlier today, she was folding the clothes that she'd taken to the laundromat.  i am always amused, she doesn't want to ask me to help her, and i know it's because she feels she doesn't want to become dependent upon me.  so she takes static from her mother.  but i'm good these days with that dynamic.  she called me this afternoon, talked for a bit and then dropped a line in the water about her going to the casino.  i'd already told her that she could repay me the money she borrowed with groceries, and that will be fine.  i also told her i didn't want to go to the casino.  i am not stepping back into that obsessive/compulsive habit just to have time with her.  not happening again.  and of course, i didn't try to talk her out of it because she said 'you can't talk me out of it', but it wasn't on my agenda anyway.  i told her i'd pray for her success and told her to be careful.  and she wasn't, which i gather from the text saying 'i hurt myself and don't feel like talking right now'.  life goes on.

i am not responsible for anyone's well being but my own, unless i choose to involve myself in someone else's, AND they allow me to do so.  that is the lesson of the day for me.

i feel good, and i'm walking in the morning, so bed is happening pretty damn soon.  Thank you, Jehovah, for wisdom, insight and growth.

doing thangs

today was a ride, mentally anyway.  but spending money is always a ride these days.  i hate that it has such impact on me.  one of the Promises in the AA Big Book, that come with the 9th step process, is that 'Fear of economic insecurity will leave us".  I don't believe i'm afraid of economic insecurity, as i've been living in it for a long time now, but it is never a comfortable reality to know that money, the need of it and the budgeting and lack of it, can impact my emotional level so poignantly.  but there's nothing to be done about it at this moment.

today i got up and said my prayers and got into sweats and went to the gym.  i did the weight machines today, and i'll walk tomorrow should i be blessed with like and awareness.  i came home and had breakfast and took my meds and realized i forgot to take my fast acting insulin for the evening.  i'm pausing now, because i need to take my fast acting insulin for the evening.

insulin taken.  today, i went to my parent's house early, i washed a load of clothes, got a chance to spend some time with my dad, mom, aunt and brother.  i brought clothes home to dry, and i took my library books back and stopped at the store for something for lunch, before Lonnie called and i took him to the Deyor, as he was several lunches up on me and i wanted to treat myself to a good lunch before i was completely broke.

the Deyor was cool, but the lunch was not well prepared.  i did make a contact and am going to speak to the people at the box office about possibly getting a once a month poetry thing going.  it would be a nice venue for it.  talked to Lonnie for a bit and came home.  i paid bills and got depressed again, but it has to be done.  i'm not sure about the status of my gas bill and will call on it tomorrow, but other than that all is tended to.  watched some tv, had cihili dogs and soup for dinner and am not in the process of shutting it down.

I did talk to Rachel today.  she's supposed to come to a former friend's birthday thing on saturday. i'm waiting to hear back from her because it's on sunday, not saturday, and i have to get details straight with her.  but other than that, she seems to be in decent spirits.

i am concerned about my brother.  i didn't know until today he's been experiencing numbness in his legs and feet when he works too hard.  he had a cut on his leg that he never felt today, on his left leg, which was of course affected by his stroke.  i worry about and for him.  i hope he likes the hat i got for him.

i don't really feel bad today, and i intend to rest in incredible amounts tonight.  i feel secure in that my rent is paid and i have lights.  i feel okay with today, and today is all there is.

thank you, Father.

just a nice day, and a nice shirt

man, i was burned out yesterday.  grass cutting kicked my ass.  but i'm on it tonight, and i'll do a recap and an update and we'll be all square.

the journey is progressing well, i'm feeling okay today.  yesterday i got up with prayer and had breakfast.  i planned to cut the grass so no walk and no gym.  i got clothes gathered for a future trip to a laundromat and i went to get gas for my can.  i got started on the grass about 9:30 and i finished in just over an hour, with two breaks.  i have to admit, i am doing better physically. last year i would have been six breaks down and about two hours to cut that lawn.  but the humidity kicked my fucking ass, no two ways about it.  i got a call from Rachel but she was on her mom's phone and i didn't catch it in time.  i talked to Jo, saw he and Syd off and then got out to get lunch.  i mostly sat back, knowing that today was the money day and i'd have things to do.  i had a burger and some fries and a spinach salad for dinner.  very good.  and i slept deeply with a new meditation video i found.

i got up today with some resolution.  i had things to do and wanted to get them done.  i said prayer, went and grabbed some mickey d's breakfast.  didn't feel like cooking and kept it cheap.  i wrote in Evolon, ran a bath, caught a call from Rachel and jumped in the tub.  i got my pants folded for hemming and i gathered up library books.  my plan was to pay rent, take books to library and hit my meeting.  i did hit the meeting and my rent is paid, and Syd's phone is paid.  i will take the books to the library tomorrow.  i went to my meeting.  i went to Big Lots for household goods.  i went to visit my sponsor whom i've not seen since before my uncle died.  on my way back  i stopped at Burlington and found my brother a hat and myself a shirt which made me happy.  it may be the only thing i manage to buy myself this month, but it's a nice shirt.  i was going to visit Rachel but she called me to say she was out and would call me when she was heading home and now i'm not worried about it because it's almost 8 and i'm going to the gym in the morning so i'm definitely not heading out any later than this.  i got a new desk chair from my friend Marc, i ate dinner, i'm going to have some sugar free ice cream, work on my Z-Esoterica philosophy and crash out.  i'm good for the day.  it was a good meeting.  i'll go see my parents tomorrow too.  thank you, Jehovah, i won't engineer a complaint for a lovely day like today.

-logue

a day of nothing again.

i don't know, but i think the boredom is getting to me.

everyday, i manage to do something productive,
but not necessarily the things that i really need to get done.

i prayed today, went to the gym, had breakfast, went to my parent's house, formatted Old Lazarus and sent pdf files to my aunt and Rachel's mom.  as i said i would.

i actually took the call from the store i ordered my clothes from and arranged to make payment next month, and i put in an order for my meds.

i took my meds and my insulin as i should today.

didn't eat bad. not great, but not bad.

but mostly i laid around and nodded in and out of sleep.

i'm also realizing that i am genuinely tired most of the day.  i believe some of it is depression, but i don't think that's the entirety of it.  i'm sure some of it is a physical change that is going on.

no walk tomorrow, as i'm cutting the grass in the morning.

i'm also aware that i'm misspelling many words in the course of typing.  not sure what that's about.  typing too fast, maybe, or maybe some kind of brain thing is happening to me.

anyway, it wasn't a bad day.  but it sure as fuck didn't make much of an impact on me.  on the other hand, if i'm ungrateful about an uneventful day, i might get a day full of events i didn't want.

monkey paw magic and ungrateful comeuppance.  thank you, Father, for a day of life.