the dog and pony show, likely part one

so this is one of those days.   one of those out of my mind with anger, want to tear some shit up days.  the feeling stays with me right now.  i know it will pass, but it's here now and i can't really focus away from it.  

i started the day well enough.  i got up and prayed, had coffee, read from my daily scripture book my mom gave me, and i saw Syd off for school.  i had breakfast after my meds and my insulin.  I lay back, after deciding the course of prudence.  I had some idea of what the peer support position i applied for would consist of and didn't want to be exhausted for what could and did turn out to be lots of walking.  

i got to the help hotline center a little before 830 and met the crew I'd be working with, including SL who vouched for me.  went out with Martin, who seems to be the head guy in the outreach for that office.  we went downtown, walked through different areas and talked with some people who are clients of the facility.  i can't go into much, because that is likely confidential information.  but it was informative, and much of it just made me sad.  i may not have the temperament for this work, it will have to come into my prayers for guidance.  

at a soup kitchen, just as one example, there was a mother with her three very small children, and the children seemed to be just normal, ordinary kids with their mom.  but they'd been there, it seemed, the entire morning, and were waiting for lunch.  i am afraid they may possibly still be there, waiting for dinner.  it seemed she had nowhere to go.  and that's the part that's sad for me.  a country of wealth consolidated into one percent of the population, and the discrepancy is so great that so many in the 99 to 100th percentile have nothing at all.  no home, no food, no shelter, no vehicle, no job, no nothing.  they're not really covered by the American Dream.  and i've always known that, but i have had some distance, usually.  i was also told about the tent cities down by the bridges, but that's enough of that to make my point.

then...the dog and pony show, better known as the meeting.

it was watching dysfunction breed dysfunction.  the guy who was chairing the meeting had asked a woman to speak, or lead, at the end of the month, as per our format.  the woman asked to lead is emotionally and mentally unwell, with a host of issues plaguing her at this time.  it's not hard to see at all.  it involves having eyes and a heart and discernment.  many people sacrifice those things, however, so they don't have to look into the mirror that another person is to themselves.  this woman has been a disruption in every meeting i've seen her at.  i had been irritable to a great degree, but in the last two weeks, my eyes began to open a little wider.  i began to see that she is having some problems, some of them very obvious, and no one was really taking time to check her or see where she's coming from.  including me.  And that was not worthy of me, and it definitely didn't reflect well on my relationship with God.  so saturday, i decided to speak to her. i told her i needed to know what was wrong with her, what was going on with her, so that i could try to be of assistance to her, because the meeting deserved a better her, and that was our jobs to see if that was possible.  i didn't elect to sponsor her, but i chose to try to help her through her steps.  this was after prayer, as i didn't want to jump off into self-will.

a word about leading a meeting.  a speaker, traditionally, is a person who has worked through their steps, who has a working recovery program, who has some experience to share about working through some problems, situations or issues.  in our literature, it says we tell a little bit about 'what it used to be like, what happened and what it's like today'.  that comes as a result of working a program.  if a person is not working a program, they only have their opinions and their pain and dysfunction to offer someone listening.  that is the norm, most of the time.  it's not engraved in stone, however, as nothing is.  But that was the real reason for me wanting her to wait.  because she is a collection of issues and isms.  she is just starting on a fourth step journey, inventorying her self to find the truth and the road out of the thick forest in her soul.  

but when someone who is chairing, or facilitating, the meeting doesn't care, when asking a dysfunctional person to speak means that they themselves can continue to hide, it doesn't matter if its right or not.  it only matters that they've justified it in their head and they're going to roll on that no matter what.  and so, she spoke.  and she did as well as she could.  she had no hope, and very little recovery experience to share.  she didn't do a drunkalog, as we call just talking about the euphoria of recalling the drinking escapades.  but she did okay.  she prayed and turned it over and \God gave her a message.  

but i am tired of having to deal with grown people as if they were children.  i am weary of fights for nothing, of principles that are not adhered to but are just bandied about and tossed on the floor when they get too complicated.  i'm tired of the feeling i have right now, still six hours later, of wanting to throw up because i'm so mad.  

i don't see change for the better coming.  but i see change coming.  i think it is time to seek shelter from the storm.  

the weight of good days

well, as we're beginning our flight path today, a bit late though, it seemed best to start with this entry.  missed yesterday, because there was quite a bit going on.  but i want to get in an early log, to make sure i hold myself accountable.  when I finish this, i'm going to get into my shorts and shoes and head for the gym, first time in two weeks. and my brain is trying to talk me out of it.  so there you go.  one moment, going to put eggs on to boil.

i determined yesterday that it was all getting away from me.  that's especially detrimental, because the corner is right in front of me, and i can turn it and start something better at any time.  and it's scary down inside.  or, rather, it's scary on the surface.  TOTI, my friend who hasn't been mentioned in quite some time, has always been prepped for success.  but my external, the fearful, timid and sabotaging adult i've become, is scared shitless at the prospect of doing better things, succeeding at the book sales, making a difference and being truly happy.  so i've gotten insulated again, i've started rationalizing and making excuses for being lazy, and i've been hiding in my apartment.  can't keep going like that.  R says that since she put distance between us i've been being blessed.  she's partly joking.  but the truth is, i stopped focusing on strengthening us, and TOTI has been able to work on strengthening me.  and it's worked.  but now i'm trying to backpedal, and that's not going to be permitted to continue.

i did the things i needed to do yesterday and it was a restful day.  i prayed and ate, i didn't write but i worked on the recording app i installed and started seeing how the sound would be for the advertising i plan to use it for.  i saw Syd's nephew, Porsha's son London for the first time and hung out with him for an hour before my meeting.  he's adorable, and we got along, which tells me my spirit is still in pretty good shape.  I went to my meeting and got Melona doing things to be a part of the meeting rather than being separate and controlling of the things in the meeting to avoid discomfort.  and i went to see my parents and fixed my mom a plate.  I saw my brother and his 'girlfriend', and i grilled some steak and some chicken and had dinner.  i watched some anime, i went to bed and tossed and turned for a while as i had late coffee.  it was a good day, uneventful and cool.  but it let me know that i want to have days like that more often and i have to work to strengthen the foundation for them.  funny how you find that good days can actually weigh more than bad days when you're not used to good days.  but i'm going to push on.  i'm about to get dressed, i'm going to go to the gym.  likely just work the machines, but i may do the elliptical for a few, just to get the heart rate going.  i'm going to find my title.  i am going to put my Cavalier in the front of the drive for sale until the 13th of April, and if it doesn't sell by then i'm going to junk it.  it's time for some change.  it is time for some action moving me forward.  and i am going to come back to this later and put some more down.  these aren't just markings today.  these are attainable goals.  and i'll do a checklist style review and see which i hit and which i have to put on tomorrow's list.  so, see you later.

okay, so i went to the gym, no cardio though, got there super late and did about an hour of weight machines.  I came home and made a meatloaf mix patty and oatmeal and strawberries for breakfast, took meds and insulin and am about to start working on the checklist.  it's returned to cold weather outside, so this is going to be a rather low-key day, but that's okay.  last week was a busy week, and next week is going to be hectic as well, so if i choose to move slow, it's not necessarily a bad thing.  more later.  ,

it's going on 6pm.  it's been a lazily productive day.  i took my evening insulin.  my lunch was a chicken quesidilla.  i wonder sometimes if all the words americans use for pseudo mexican food really have meanings.  anyway, it had peppers and onions and cheese.  and I had a bowl of chicken and wild rice soup from a can.  it was good after i doctored it with basil and some cayenne and a bit of salt.

i'm heating up the last of the chicken and the small steak from yesterday.  i've got the last of the potato salad and i made a green salad as well with field greens and spinach, cucumber, tomato, onion, two strawberries, a boiled egg and cheese.  i feel good, though after the gym i kind of just hung out, with no real want to do much.  i found what i had by way of a title, but it is a 'memo' title, and after calling my credit union i found i have to go to the title office in Warren to retrieve it.  that should be fun.  but i did hit my marks, i think.  i didn't move the car to the front of the drive yet, but i will tonight.  I made my for sale signs for the front and side window.  and, i think i'm going to have a job.  I got a call  from SL telling me the help hotline was asking for my number.  that's where i put the application in when i finished the training classes and where i interviewed not long after.  i was asked if i would mind coming in to shadow someone, to see how the job is done, and i was eventually given days to come in.  so, i would imagine it's mine if i choose to take it.  i have to see the starting pay and the hours.  i'm only looking for part time.  i know there's so much that you're supposed to be able to work, but i don't trust them.  they're so hesitant to provide a person with benefits, i can only imagine they'd be far too eager to snatch them away.  but it's still progress, still on the good road, still a good orbit.  Thank you, Jehovah.  i'm going to have dinner and get ready to be productive tomorrow too.

intent vs direction

another day down.  not a bad one at that.  i am finding, as i move back toward the course laid into the control panel, that it's important to remember that where i want to go and where i'm supposed to go can be two different things, and it comes down to whether i'm in self-will or accepting of God's will for me.

today i prayed and got up.  i ate some breakfast, a grandpa breakfast of bacon and eggs over easy topping a cup of rice.  i stated working on the new book and thinking about how to actually go about selling a car.  I'm pretty used to just junking cars when i'm done with them, but this one starts, it runs, it needs quite a bit of work, so i'm going to get some details, try to get it sold before the 14th of April and if that doesn't work i'm going to just take it to the crusher, because i'm not paying for tags or insurance on two cars right now.  I waited til about 9am and i went to the stores.  i got stuff to do a wedding soup.  i was looking for endive, which i've never cooked with before, and i didn't find it so i got kale and spinach.  i got little tiny pastas whose name eludes me right now and i got the rest of the stuff.  i got home and slowly worked on my soup as i wrote. I heard from R briefly but she was at the post office looking for a letter she was supposed to mail so i told her to take care of her thing and call me when she was done, which she didn't but that's okay.  i had a burger with some of the meatball mix and some wedding soup for lunch, and that was tasty, and i had a personal pizza and wedding soup for dinner.

i'd put off a task for most of the day, because i knew it wasn't going to be pleasant, but also because i didn't have a consensus on how the situation should be handled.  a girl that goes to the meetings i attend, we'll call her M, has been extremely disruptive.  she is fat and loud, and she jumps into the middle of everyone's conversation.  she performs, and she slows the meeting down to have these 'impromptu' performances with other people.  she rubs a lot of people the wrong way.  a guy i sponsor was wanting to confront her about it during our home group meeting tomorrow, but i told him i would speak to her today.  i did so because i knew the real deal would be for the people in the meeting to get enough balls to actually pull M to the side and speak to her themselves, but that wasn't going to happen.  would have in the old days, but these ain't those.  so i decided I would speak to her.  but i was torn.  do i just tell her settle down, or do i start with an amend?  i am still in the passive aggressive mode when i don't need to be.  so, i messaged her on facebook to call me after 8 and i prayed that God's will be done.  and she called and i talked to her about where she is at and i kept bringing the focus back to her.  and she is as miserable as i knew she was, and she is hurting as bad as i knew she was, and she is trying to keep the show going to keep people from seeing that.  'the tears of a clown, when there's no one around'.

i opened her up, and it wasn't hard to do.  most things can be seen by the orbit they maintain around a persons demeanor and actions.  but not if you are not trained to look for them, and certainly not if you're hiding your own shit and someone else's 'performance' makes it easier for you to hide your own stuff.  i told her i was speaking to her because i was concerned about the meeting and that if i could find out what her real story was, who she really is in essence, then i would know the meeting was going to be okay.  i knew i would have to do it, but it turned into more listening and more trying to keep the talking going.  in the end, i give her some directions for working on her first three steps and told her that she should not be on her phone through the meeting, that she needed to start talking about things that she's been keeping inside her all this time that is making her sick, and that she perhaps should consider counseling.  i don't know if it will do any good, but i know it was concern with a warning.  because i also told her that if things didn't change i would start addressing these things publicly at the meeting and it would make a lot of people uncomfortable, but that i would do what had to be done to protect the meeting.  and i meant that.

so, what i intended to be a riot act ended up being what i'm trained to do; listen, feedback, intuit, coax, pull from within and offer direction.  programming is hard to shake.  I'm glad that God knows what he's doing, and knows what i'm doing.  that makes a lot of this easier.  i'm going to bed.  it's going to be a long day.

Clarities

i started this on Thursday, but saved the content, then erased it and started again Friday morning.  I was really tired by the time i started, and didn't want to just jot to put shit on the log, because this is meaning more again.  so, yesterday and today.

i got up with prayer and a light breakfast yesterday, as i was doing lunch with Lonnie later in the day.  i got Syd off to school and i mostly chilled.  it wasn't an eventful day, to be honest.  i started cleaning in the late afternoon before i went to lunch, got the bathroom and kitchen done.  went to L'Overture, good lunch, good conversation with Lonnie.  try to keep track of him, make sure he's okay, and i'm sure he does the same for me.  told him about my motivation in speaking with Syd's mom, trying to set the emotional ledger straight, knowing the clock is winding down.  it may mean that i'm grown now, not just growing up, and not that i haven't stopped learning either.  but i don't want reconciliation.  i don't crave a friendship with Chris.  i want to not have walls that i have to maintain as my final acts on earth.  i want to be free of people in my head, period.  and i can't do that if i can't check on someone who is in my thoughts, because for me that's usually a foreboding rather than a longing to see someone.  or that could all be a clever rationalization.  but it feels right when i see it in front of me.  Chris is coming by to see Syd on Sunday.  I'll get to meet Syd's nephew, Mr. London, who apparently just got his first tooth.  so, the tradeoff is i have no problem with having people that i know in my space.  i have been blessed, and you don't just share blessings with the people you like; you share them with the people who need them, right?
i also talked to my friend Patrice last night.  we'd not been speaking for a bit.  i needed her to understand what the deal was, because of the blessing also.  sometimes i get to the point where i don't want to have to explain why i'm reaching out to someone.  Patrice has had a history of isolating.  i was one of the few people who would not just allow her to be away from everything without reaching in.  she lives in a city of sociopathic narcissist called recovering people.  i've gone to her home, witnessed the level of neglect she was living in while dressing up her depression in a bright smile and insane eyes no one else seemed to recognize, and i determined that my pre-judgement of her, based on the rumours that had abounded about her, were not reason enough for me to not know her.  and once i got to know her, i found a woman who was amazingly bright, creative, had a heart of huge giving capacity, lonely in crippling degrees, severely depressed and amazingly neglected despite all the giving she'd done with the Columbus fellowship.  she became one of my best friends.  and she would take her mental sabbaticals and i would just keep the line out in the water for her to grab when she got tired of holding her breath.  but she's had trouble doing the same for me.  and it's gotten worse as we've gotten older.  she's going to be 60 in September, and I know she's in a tightly controlled tailspin.  but i have gone through things, and i've reached out, and i get no answer when i call, and i get no callback when i know her cell phone has caller ID like mine does, and i finally felt, fuck it.  i am dealing with things, pretty much by myself since reaching out does no good, and so i guess i'll just not reach out.  and that's what i did.  and she reached for the line and it wasn't there.  and she checked in and i told her that i wasn't mad at her, as she thought i was.  i told her that i was dealing with stuff, i was going through some changes, and since i couldn't get her or anyone else (dramatizing) to respond, and i had to deal with them by myself, then i would do that.  after a few days i got a text asking if i was still dealing with stuff and i told her i was working on it.  i texted her yesterday and told her to call me, and she did, and i laid it out for her.  not mad, thankful for her friendship and in need of her friendship, but in need of an active friendship that went both ways.  it made her feel bad, but that wasn't my intention and it's not really my concern.  i didn't ask her to change.  i just pointed out that i've tried to be an available friend to her, that i've lost a lot of people over the years and have honestly, after searching my spirit, not found anything i've done wrong.  it's like caring for people drives them away now.  a truly twisted world.  but i''m going to go and visit her soon, hang out, maybe for my birthday.  and we'll see.  but we're still friends.

today i've prayed, i've got my book open to write today, i've got insulin to take and meds, i've had coffee and i'm about to have another cup.  it was freezing when i woke up as i had windows open to air things out on the warm day yesterday and now it feels like its going to snow.  but i don't care.  i am blessed.  i am relatively happy, and life is going well.  i can't ask for anything more and i don't.  i have no plans except cleaning and maybe washing clothes today.  so i'm going to write more in this later, and i hope that the day is as peaceful as it seems to be.  later.

Point of interest.  March 17th was ten years that i've been seeing VF as my therapist, counselor and, i'm honored to be able to say, friend.  if it were not for her intelligence, compassion and caring, as well as her emotional openness, i doubt seriously if i would have the courage to be on this journey and in this orbit at this time.  So this date, of this entry, is dedicated to her.  Mazel Tov!

clearer vision

so, things are going okay.  and i'm grateful.  and i can see a little better.  and i don't feel the anxiety to such a high degree, and i know these are all blessings as of late, because things are still moving forward and I am still progressing along with things.

today was nice.  i started with prayer and plans.  i didn't have anyone to take me to do the rest of my car stuff, so I texted Jerry and he said cool.  i ate, bathed and groomed and gathered the things i'd need to take to the credit union.  he came to get me and we went to the credit union.  i signed a million papers, and we went around the corner to the car lot.  the guy had the Grand Marquis in the driveway, and I went in and signed a dozen papers and he put a temp tag on the back and away I went.  

the car runs nice.  it's going to need a few things, but that's not immediate.  but for an 01, for the price i'm paying, it is just what i wanted.  my payments are affordable, it put me in a position to begin to save some money for Syd and it gives me a much more reliable car.  i drove it to my meeting and the meeting was even okay.  we had some stresses, but they had nothing to do with me and there was nothing that i needed to do to try to resolve them.  sometimes i have to just let people be where they are.  i'm learning that.  

after the meeting, i went to see Lonnie.  we went to taco bell for lunch and he checked some of the functions of the car.  then i went to my parent's house.  mom and dad both liked the car, and I took my dad for a ride.  i went home after, fell into a nap, got up and had salmon patties and rice and broccoli again and got dressed for the kingdom hall.

tonight was the Memorial of the last supper, or Passover meal, that Jesus had with his disciples.  it is the only place in scripture that Jesus tells his people to actually commemorate anything.  it's kind of funny, because most Judeo-Christian religions have some variation on this observation.  most have it far more often than once a year, and they save the big show for Easter.  but this is very sedate, informative and it is not a long ceremony.  i went with an old friend, who invited me, as opposed to the usual congregation that i would attend, who were meeting in a large room at the Holiday Inn because there are so many of them.  though i don't have a fear of people anymore, I don't like to be more crowded than i have to be.  

i went because i know that Jehovah God has been blessing me.  I've known it all along, but i know that i have been doing some more footwork, being more disciplined and I believe maybe God is showing me that if i do my part, His part is already done.  I can't say for sure, but faith has never hurt anyone, and every day is a day to work on improving faith and actions based on belief.  i write, i sell books, i have a child about to be an adult, i have aches, pains, sickness.  but i am alive and drug free and i have both my parents still and i have a car that i like.  i will even have money for the Cavalier when someone either buys it or i junk it.  so, should I complain?  i'm thinking...no.  i'm going to be...happy for a little while, as long as it lasts.  and that's perfectly okay with me today.  i'm going to bed now.  

good tuesday so far

it's a blessing to know you're growing and getting better.  what makes it a blessing, at least to me, is that i am often my own worst critic, and to be someone who can see that there is some improvement happening is a bright spot on my horizon, and it's getting closer.

so i got up, after a night of diarrhea, gout and general aching, and i felt a tad better, though the liquid continued to pour.  i said prayers and got out of the bed.  i saw syd off to school and i had a bacon and egg sandwich.  i got back to my car search and began getting ready for the trip to Akron.

brother came through at 9 and we went to Akron.  found our way there, but the lack of good sleep (being careful not to shit the bed, literally, removes the depth of sleep) made me have to quick-correct directions often.  but we got to the lot.  the axiom proved true:  everything looks better when it's in a motion blur or a  well-staged picture.  the Lincoln looked much better from a distance.  it wasn't the surface scars i was worried about though.  when i tested it, it wasn't steering properly.  I've had cars do that, and i knew the problem was somewhere in the drive train, something going bad.  when i spoke to the dealer about it, he said some bullshit about it not being a standard power steering pump on that car and that everything was cool.  that killed the deal for me.  nevermind the trash in the trunk, the key fob not working, the interior drivers side handle being stripped of part of the molding, but mechanical issues being lied about i can't deal with.  i came home, somewhat disheartened but glad that i didn't just throw myself into something.  so i got in, said several 'your will be done, Father', and after talking to Lonnie made my way to the shop i was looking for yesterday.

i got there and checked a Dodge Avenger and was about to test drive it when the owner pulled up and said it was sold.  i told him about the Grand Marquis i saw online and he said he'd just taken it to the body shop, that he had a spot for them to work on and he'd raise the price afterward.  i said i'd like to see it.  we test drove it and it handled as nice as the Crown Vic i absconded to Columbus in back in 97.  a sign, as much a sign as starting the journey on Western Reserve Road.  i told him i wanted it, went to the credit union to be told that they couldn't find my credit application.  finally the located it, other issues ensued, and as i was finally eating a late lunch they called me and said the car was mine and i could come finish the paperwork which i plan to do in the morning.  it will cost me less than 100 a month for four and a half years.  and i am going to put the Cavalier into rehab, to try to get it up to snuff within the next year for Syd should she want it.  i feel good.  i feel blessed.  and i am very happy with my choice.  as an 01, it's an older car, but i don't care.  it fits, it runs and its cheap enough i can have it paid off early and build more credit.  and as David Byrne said, nothing is better than that.  or is it?

anyway, the gym, tomorrow for sure.  and then, on to life on life's terms.  thank you, Jehovah, for instilling patience in me.

Monday again??

well, good morning.  I'm starting early because i have no idea how long i'm going to last today.  i just finished breakfast, eggs and sausage scrambled with jalapenos and cheese and a piece of toast, blood sugar waking was 161, so i took my insulin and my meds.  i was looking online at cars this morning and saw one that i want to go check out.  i need to get to Akron, so that's the work today.
I feel some better, but i hate talking it up.  TP has hinted that it seems i'm mostly sick lately.  I don't believe that's the case, but i know i've been sick quite a bit more than i used to be.  I read a story recently about a guy, a statistician, who noticed after a point he was sleeping longer every night, like fifteen minutes longer, and he accurately predicted that when he reached the point of sleeping 24 hours he would die.  and he did.  which, i guess, how would you know if you were dead if you were sleeping around the clock, right?  still, it was something.
anyway, talked to R again.  she's sort of fugue'ing out, and i figured that was happening.  she's going through what I believe is a mid-life crisis.  back in bars, though she's not drinking.  smoking more weed, planning a trip to Jamaica, doing her thing.  i figured it was going to happen.  Her cousin dying and her time in Florida have shaken her foundation quite a bit.  i just stay where i am, old Funkadelic song, 'I'LL STAY', it's finally rather apropos.  anyway, i'm going to make some calls, i'm going to wrangle a ride to Akron, I want a car today, if that is God's will.  If not, then i want to be on the path to having the car that i am going to drive.
still congested, still cold but the gout is the worst part today.  now it's mostly the right foot, the instep particularly.  i am walking through, without the cane, but i'm not afraid to use the thing.
i got a broken fortune cookie yesterday, with the hot and sour soup my dad brought me.  I don't believe in fortunes, but i do believe in signs.  i don't know exactly what it means, but i'm saving it.
i have to get to the gym asap.  but i'm not going to hurt myself trying to overextend.  this is going to be a day of deliberate action.  made my bed,.  going to straighten my bedroom.  going to gather clothes to wash, probably tomorrow.  going to make the salmon for my uncle and aunt.  but only to the extent that i can.  okay, i'm gone for now.

i've been out, looking at cars.  I didn't see much in the city, but i didn't really expect to.  I know i can get what i want for the money i have available, but this is not the best season.  people are people, and one of the things they do at this time of year, tax return season, is they fix up cars for stupid poor people and struggling people to come in, test drive, pay all their returns just to find they've purchased a piece of shit that they're stuck with.  it's a dumb game, because who really needs to ruin someone else's credit just to get their little bit of money when they could sell them a good running car, make a customer happy and earn a return customer at a later date?  just like myself.  I'm not going back to Herns motors in Hubbard where I got the Cavalier, because it wasn't up to snuff when i got it and they knew it.  they pressured my dad who pressured me.  but not this time.  if i do good, if i fuck up, I'll own it.  no one else, no middle men.

i'm currently making salmon and roasted red skinned potatoes for my family, part for my uncle and aunt and part for my dad and mom's house.  I wanted to do it sunday, as i said, but i wasn't up to it.  I asked my mother could she ask my aunt Michele if she could do delivery for me, but i see my mom is in typical form.  so i will just let my mom come by, since she wants to, and i'll send her with the stuff.  no biggie.  I'm getting sleepy, but there's still more time in the day so there's more to do.  I hope this next book turns out good.  i'd like R to have an idea of just how large she lives in my heart.  and if i can make some money on a great love story then why not?

Thank you, Jehovah, for showing me that patience is always possible.

damn being sick...

oh, my.  days have gotten away.  i think i was lost for a bit.  it's the weather.  everything was kind of fine friday, though that doesn't explain why i didn't do any writing that day.  but saturday and today i've been sick.  flu, gout, sick of all these damn physiological changes.  it puts everything else on delay, and i don't have an abundant amount of time for that.  on the other hand, time is what it is, being sick is being sick and there's nothing i can do but get better and resume.
so i got up and said my prayers but it was way too early today.  i had sausage and eggs for breakfast, but again, way too early.  i tried to stay up, watch some television, but i ended up back in bed.  i texted my brother and asked if he could bring me a newspaper, which he did, but there were neither cars nor jobs in it.  but i thought at least i could read in bed.  youngstown news is bullshit, always has been.  so i went and lay back down.  my dad came next, from church.  i told him i didn't need anything.  i appreciate him coming to check on me.  he brought me hot and sour soup yesterday.  but i don't need anything.  i just want to rest.
i didn't get to see the cars i wanted to test drive yesterday.  neither of them.  i didn't get to do anything that needed to be done, including cleaning.  hard to clean when your foot feels like its full of broken glass, and today it's both feet.  i've taken my meds and insulin, sipped on concentrated black cherry juice, taken extra gout meds and drank lots of water, of which i shall continue to do.  i am going to write a bit more, started a new book.  decided to take my own suggestions, update my bio-collection, this one is called THE GIRL BEHIND THE GLASS, about R and my history since i've been back in this godforsaken town.  no hurry on it; it's not done yet.
counseling was good on friday, and lunch with Lonnie was good as well.  i'm just trying to stay on point.  but sometimes, it can get a bit heavy.  i should have gotten the salmon and had it ready for my uncle today.  i should have gotten a call in and made plans to visit my sponsor.  time goes on, and one day you look at the calendar and the clock and they both just read 'too late', and then you have to carry it along with you where you go, to finish your own ride.  but i can't do anything about it now.  i have to just keep it moving, and when the time comes back around, do better.
i'm sleepy, but i'm going to work on 'behind the glass' for a bit, then i'm going to lay back down.  just finished the last of four days worth of chicken parm for lunch.  glad it's gone.  it was wonderful, but four days of anything is about two days too much.  but i don't waste food.  and it was a blessing, as i didn't have to cook much.  thank you, Father, for knowing what is best for me before i needed to know myself.

progress...

it's strange.  I don't feel like i'm in over my head, but i am definitely in strange waters.  I guess that's what the benefit of living life actively is.  I trust God, I trust myself, and I don't trust the people that I have to deal with for a car.  so i feel like i'm on the right track.
yesterday was a good day, though a mite strange for me.  first of all, i did say my prayers as i did this morning, and i got started at the gym.  i came home and my brother came by for breakfast and we talked for awhile.  I got a bath in and got moving, planning on going to check some cars before the meeting but that didn't materialize and i'm glad about that.  I'm not trying to rush.  I'm just trying to find the right vehicle.  so i went to the meeting, i enjoyed the discussion and i got some LJS for lunch, which was an overindulgence but i was just in that place.  i laid down for a bit, and i must have drifted off.  I was awakened by a knock at my door.  i thought it may have been the delivery people with my meds, but it turned out to be R.  I was surprised, and it's nice to find i still can be.  we talked, and she was between the insane amount of running she does lately.  she told me she loves and misses me and didn't mean to abandon me and i told her i knew that, i just feel strongly for her and that what i go through when i invest feelings.  we spoke and she left, and i lay back down and thought about her.  it made me feel lighter.  i had stew and biscuits for dinner, leftovers from the day before.  i talked to SL late last night, or early this morning, however you want to see it.  i tried to give her an ear as she was venting about work frustration.  i didn't mind.  it was 230 in the morning, though, and i know that more than anything is why i didn't hit the gym today.  but i'll go tomorrow.

while i was up i started looking into some cars.  i made some notes on some cars i'm going to call on and check out today.  i also put in an application for a job doing computer customer service, just because it looked like something i would do and it was on vindy.com jobs.  that was after i woke and said my prayers today.

thing is, i feel good, and it's a strange feeling but it's not scary.  i was talking to a friend at the meeting yesterday, just as i was talking at the meeting itself.  i was trying to help someone see that they are being blessed, and it made me look at my own blessings, which are rather abundant.  i also was thinking this morning about how, though it could be construed that i've been really really down without R actively in my presence, i have done quite a bit since November.  i haven't stopped.  despite the depression, which i know is present, i've done quite a bit and have plans to do quite a bit more.  those are the blessings that I am most happy to give full credit to Jehovah God, because i know that if i wasn't ready for them, they wouldn't be coming.  such as; i haven't even thought of doing anything with the credit cards  yet.  those are to grow the publishing.  knowing my credit limit with the credit union, i am not trying to secure other funding.  i know that what i receive is enough, if i'm careful shopping.  i may never be a person that can just go to a new car lot, look at what appeals to my eye and drive off with it due to impeccable financial standing, but i have become a person, on disability, who is worth people taking a chance on; my character reflects better today.  those are serious blessings to someone who was once 'consistently inconsiderate'.  so, i am going to get into this day.  i have to email an auto dealer that I am not going to come in and check the Dodge Challenger because it's out of my price range.  i'm going to go south and locate something, and if i can't find anything there i'll go further south to akron and find what i'm looking for there.  and i'll update later and let you know.

lifeschool

well, this is a day of learning, i have to say.  its stressful, exciting, nerve-wracking and it makes me aware of the growth that is still taking place in me.  i am grateful to God for this day, and i couldn't ask for anything more.
to start, i've not been to the gym, but i am definitely going tomorrow.  i got up with nerves jangling.  said my prayers, got syd out the door, had breakfast and started my search.  today was car day.  i was going out to find a car.  i wanted to finish my paperwork for the credit union loan app and so i got dressed and headed out the door.
i went south, rode up south avenue to western reserve road.  i felt that was the best course, as once upon a very long time ago, the first car that i got in recovery i actually abandoned on the side of the road up there, never went back for it either.  i was a whole different person then, and i guess i felt maybe i could find what grew where i planted the seed of what would become a more mature Tim.  so i went.  almost got hit on south ave and midlothian and saw some lots on south avenue but i kept going.  i found a lot up there had had a couple vehicles i wanted to look at.  i turned around and went to the one i saw.  there was a lovely 08 Envoy that i checked out, it had some interior wear, only to the extent you could see a family used the car, but no destruction.  immaculate body.  it was a bit pricey for my budget but i decided to try.  i went to a meeting at noon and came home.  i finished a new application as the loan site lied about saving the previous ones.  i got two calls from the credit union.  one was clarifying certain information and the other was saying that the loan amount was declined.  i was almost a bit salty, but i talked to Lonnie who told me to ask them what would be approved, which i did.  so, instead of the 12 grand i asked for, they'll loan me 6, which i can surely work with.
i feel so excited.  just like the credit cards, this is the first time i've actually put any work into this.  i guess the thing about growing up is you continue to do it until its all over.  i don't mind.  i also made a beef stew, put free ads on two sites and invited my brother to breakfast tomorrow morning.  it's been a good day, and i am not going to make less of it at all.  i still have to pray on what Melona is supposed to be as far as a message thus far, but all things in God's time, not mine.  Out.

lonely sadness and growing through

well it's Tuesday, but i didn't get this one done yesterday, so i'm doing it now.  Monday was cool, i got some things done that i needed to, and i feel good about that, though there is more work to do today.  i got up with prayers but i was still very out of sorts with the daylights savings nonsense.  i made my way to the gym after calling Syd off school.  (i have a thing with that.  i still get some criticism about my supposedly 'hands-off parenting, which is not the case at all, but i know certain facts in 2016 that make trying to be a different kind of parent useless:  if a child goes to school and vomits, they're coming home.  if a child goes to school and has a slight temperature they're coming home.  if a child goes to school and is flushed, they're calling home and trying to send the child home.  if a child knows these things, then the child is going to use them.  so its the parents, or parent, against the child, the teachers, the school faculty, the board of education and their 2-sided policies.  i would rather tell the child the detriment of their actions, let them have the consequences of bad decisions and not make allowances for make-up work on my time so the lesson can stick.  and that's my policy on this now)  i came home, got on the phone after breakfast and started working out some things that needed to be done.  i called the trash collection company for my area and re-established service so i can get these couches from my devil's strip and get my trash picked up weekly.  the fee is about $180 a year, which really is not bad.  $15 a month is what it comes down to, and i can afford that.  i also ordered my meds as i'm down to the last week on some of them and need more of my fast acting insulin in any event.  I got a text from Patrice in columbus asking me not to be mad at her and i explained to her that i am going through things and she has convinced me by not even at least calling me back that there's no point in trying to call her for support.  the thought itself makes me incredibly sad, but it is the reality in my life right now.
i'm trying to get to some understanding without any confirmation.  it is ultimately the situation that i hate most in my life; when i'm confused or stalled and no one is going to come through and give me facts.  i can 'act as if', i can simply draw my own conclusions, act upon them and keep it moving, which is a vast improvement from the way things used to be for me.  I would shut down, be morose and inert and angry until someone could give me an answer that i could then finish a chapter with.  even now, some things just feel as if they are stories that i must put aside and move on to other stories.  today, for instance, is Colleen's birthday.  was once secretary at a meeting i attend and do service at.  we dallied in some intimacy, but nothing heavy duty.  when she stopped coming, she was already in a transition of not doing things she should have been doing, putting more emphasis on social life than recovery life.  but abruptly she faded from my life, and there is no real why.  easy to say 'maybe she just started using again', and that might be the case.  but i don't have a period to place at the end of the sentence that contains her.  an old friend, Marian, i learned is working at a department store.  i could go there and see her.  i'm not going to.  she now lives somewhere on my side of town.  i am not going to seek her out.  people i've established contact with through facebook, old school friends, etc, etc.  one of my best friends from my 'before recovery' days, who was a friend in my early sober years.  caught him when i learned he was out of prison.  made him a CD.  recontacted and re-lost contact.  this is the story of my life right now.
as i write this, i realize again what i did some days ago.  i am the common denominator in my loneliness.  i am the thing that all these people, all these situations have in common with each other.  so, am i just a bad person?  i don't believe so, but that doesn't mean i'm not.  perhaps my demeanor is enough to keep people away.  that's possible.  my dissatisfaction is well established now.  but with Marian, i've taken her food when she had nothing.  i have had to keep from drowning when her depression deepened and i couldn't continue to navigate in her dark waters, but we re-established contact and lost it again.
i guess perhaps this is a test.  i believe in spiritual trials.  and not just that life does bad things and one's character has to be up to snuff to survive.  that's an overview.  beneath that, in my experience anyway, is that there is this surface existence that we all have to deal in, and the varying perceptiveness of the entity brings about the awareness of the existence of other realities.  even if one chose not to believe that, to think it an inane rationalization of a defective mind, we are all plagued by other realities in one form or another.  if you have a sickness, you are plagued by other realities.  if you are in an emotional turmoil, you are plagued by other realities.  if you have parasites that got on you from a pet, you are plagued by other realities.  if your air, water or food has contaminants, etc.  these are truths.  and these are facts that are indisputable.   so for one to believe that one can be under spiritual attack is not an unreasonable premise.  it simply grates against man's ego, because a spiritual attack of this nature is being attacked by something BIGGER than man, rather than so small it is beneath man's notice.
loneliness is a terrible thing for me.  but i'm thriving in it.  i'm surviving it.  i am doing things that i need to do in the midst of it and I will continue to do so.  i don't know why R won't call.  I don't know why TF has gone off the rails.  having no answers, i have to just leave those chapters unwritten, unfinished, until more data presents itself.  but that's not easy.  it is possible, however, and there is the blessing.  so, today i'm going to finish my loan application, try to find a car, turn leftover roast and veggies into stew, and just take care of some more sales stuff.  and whatever else comes, i will know that i am blessed, because Jehovah has ensured that no matter how it feels, i am not alone.  maybe it won't even make me sad, given enough time.

apprehension and determination

it's sunday.  i've missed more days, i know.  it wasn't intentional.  i just had a lot going on over the past several days, but it still indicates a lack of discipline and that's something i'm going to have to correct.  nonetheless, i am going to play catch up.
we'll go backwards, that will be easier, i believe.
today is daylights savings, so i'm all out of sorts.  i got up and floundered before i got my prayer done and got in motion.  had breakfast cooked before i took my insulin, and after i ate i took meds.  i was aware of the time discrepancy so i took a bath, got my shit together and gathered things for the meeting.  i made stuffed pepper soup for our pot luck and had to get some stuff from the store.  i was reminded that this was Marc's birthday, so i got cake for him and Gary, thinking wrongly it was also Gary's birthday, and i got cupcakes for everyone else.
the meeting was cool, though we were a bit behind starting out and it was sort of chaotic.  Matt was running late, as he was off as well with DST and had to get cards.  he got there and everyone disengaged and went in.  as has been the case lately, it became the 'melona' show, Melona being a woman who attends the meeting and puts a lot of work into being the center of attention.  but i had spoken to Matt about the issue and kept her as much in chek as i could.  the meeting went okay, and Matt and i talked for a long while afterwards.  i brought my brother Jerry some pizza, got in, got unloaded, talked to my dad who'd called and told him i'd get his television straight tomorrow, as i am super tired and am now laying down.  if i eat later, i'm pretty sure it's just going to be soup.

yesterday, it was boring but i started laying some groundwork.  i began a loan application at my credit union and i applied for another credit card.  i didn't clean  i also got a number i need to call about re-establishing trash pick-up so i can get these couches gone.  i ate okay, i did pray, i just didn't clean.  i made my bed, made some check up and check in calls, and i worked on the soup and spaghetti for SL.  i texted her when it was ready and finished up with my mother's soup, separate from the meetings.  SL texted that she was on her way and a while later she came.  she ate some of her spaghetti though i had it packaged for her.  she ate some crackers, some cake and drank some of my crystal light.  she also fell asleep in a kitchen chair.  i fucked around online, watched some television, made a salad, heated leftover fish and eventually ate.  i convinced SL to at least get on the couch as the chair just seemed very uncomfortable.  so she sat on the couch and went back to sleep.  i noticed it sounded as if she has sleep apnea.  i suggested she may want to get a sleep study done when she woke up again, and she fussed and went back to sleep.  i watched television until it was time to shut it down and told her i was going to bed and it was time for her to roll. she left with her spaghetti and i went to bed.  i think i said before that she laid the terms about us remaining friends, though i'd decided that before she approached me on it, and if i didn't, it's probably because as a male i am a whore and likely will renege on any deal i broker alone because it's what we do.  but i won't disrespect her wishes.

Friday.  i prayed, took a bath and got myself in gear.  i didn't go to the gym, though i planned to.  i wanted to be on point for the peer support test.  i ate, went to counseling and then went to Warren.  i got there in plenty of time.  the test was easy and i was  the first person done.  i went across the street and got some lunch, then i went to the store to get the stuff for my soup.  i talked to my mom, i made fish for dinner, i mostly took it easy.
i think i did well on the test.  it wasn't especially hard, if you had the information from the classes.  i had to settle down, let go of the anger from them not grading my quiz.  i met the woman who got it all straight and had a chance to thank her.
i feel things moving forward.  my position is improving.  it is scary.  it does make me nervous.  but it is a really cool thing, to watch it happening.  i feel as if i can do much more, as i'm starting to understand what it means to be blessed and to appreciate that blessing.  it's not bad at all.  thank you, Jehovah, for your guidance.  i'm done.

a simple day

didn't post the entry from yesterday, not sure how i missed that.  anyway, today was good.  nondescript, but good.  i got up with prayer, got Syd to her bus and came home for breakfast.  i went to my parent's house to clean their living room furniture before i returned the cleaner to the store.  i came back home and did a lot of nothing.  had a sandwich and soup for lunch, mostly fucked around online.  i had leftovers for dinner and made myself some pudding for dessert.  i am currently trying to get to sleep, as i'd like to hit the gym, do counseling and get to my test on time.  going to be tight but i don't see a problem.  have to be there before eleven.  just have to remember to bring everything i need.  sometimes, the days of no events are the best days to have.  i am blessed, and i thank my Heavenly Father for that awareness.

cruising speed

this has been a fairly interesting day.  it never really picked up speed, there was no lightning fast passing of any particular events, and i guess that's what made today's journey so interesting to me.
i woke up in discomfort.  gout was holding on to my left foot, not extreme amounts but enough to make me not want to move too fast.  i was up and in the living room before i actually got my prayer done.  once i did that i felt better.  I don't like starting the day any other way.  i had breakfast, and i got my plans underway.  i went to rent a steam cleaner for my couches and buy some solution for the upholstery.  i brought the thing home and i got my ass in gear to my meeting.  my plan was to go and clean my parent's furniture as well, but i'm going to do that tomorrow.  time kind of got away from me.
anyway, i set up the meeting, and the meeting was good.  i had an appointment with the funeral home people and i got there early and rested and wrote a poem before going in.  i decided to settle on cremation and got the paperwork done so i can get it started.  then i came home.
Syd and her friend were here and they brought me a gyro and some fries, which made me feel good.  we went out front and tore the couches apart, so that I can maybe just get someone to take a midnight run to a dumpster.  much easier to move now.  i grilled swordfish for Syd and her friend and I had the gyro and some of the fries.  i've cleaned my couches, and i'm about to clean the machine and get it ready to take to my parent's house tomorrow morning.
i say it was a cruise because of a couple of incidents.  one, i'd thought about my conversation with my father yesterday.  i sometimes don't tell my parents things about my life, depending on what they are and which parent, because of the degree of worry and/or static they bring to the situation. so i made the mistake of telling my father about the situation with the peer support classes and the quiz that was very late.  when i told him about helping miss SL, his response was i shouldn't have helped her, which pissed me off but i said nothing.  then he asked me if i checked with the woman who was kind enough to ask me to forward the email with my quizzes to her so she could have them graded for my certification, and I told him that she gave me her email address, i read it back to her, she confirmed it and i forwarded the email.  so, that was earlier yesterday, and today i got a call from someone there saying i passed the quiz.  as i was at the Iggle, getting the steam cleaner and checking on asparagus (made a great oven-roasted asparagus yesterday and thought about doing it again today) he called me to tell me i should make sure i take care of me before i take care of anyone else.  and i corrected him.  i told him that that is not what he would have done, and it's not what he or anyone else i respect taught me to do.  i told him he has to stop putting things like it's my fault, when i didn't do anything wrong, and helping a young black girl who needed help as the only other black person in our class is exactly the sort of thing he would have done, and definitely not something i was going to own as a 'wrong thing' to do.  and he acknowledged that I was right and he apologized.  i had no problem accepting his apology, but i want him to understand the world has changed.  his rules still apply, but only over a certain age, with people who are still practitioners of that particular philosophy.  my world has changed drastically and adjusting to it is hard enough without being corrected for things i've not done wrong.  i think there was something else, but i can't remember exactly what that was now, so that's enough.  thank you, Father, for letting me talk to my father.  and good night.

yesterday first

well, sorry i didn't post this yesterday, but i was sort of undone and had to get my mind back into a semblance of working order.  it's not that i had a bad day, it was quite the opposite actually.   it was, however, the fact that i found there are still things that can come from outside of me to sabotage my journey, and that God continues to watch over me, and I need to act and be more grateful for that.
this combines today and yesterday, so likely it will be written on now and later.
yesterday i didn't do all that much.  i got up and prayed and had coffee and went to the gym.  i came home and had breakfast.  i got out of the house, went to the store to put money on the GD card for Syd and to the store to pick up stuff for dinner.  i didn't write, didn't edit, though i started putting together another collection of poetry.  the day was pretty uneventful for the most part.
then i got a call in the early evening.  a reminder call from Columbus about the peer support test on the eleventh, which is Friday.  i asked the lady who called after she was done giving me the information if she had my quiz results, as i'd never gotten them.  i was told, after she checked, that they didn't have my quiz in their system.  i was also informed that if my quiz was not in, i could take the test but i wouldn't be certified.  i was unhappy but not surprised.
at the classes i ended up in a bit of a disagreement with the facilitators.  not about anything major, but i felt that i was not being given a chance to present my thought, though many of my peers were, and that my point was being denigrated.  the gist of the matter, i said that on the subject of labeling, sometimes you can help someone take power away from a label by redefining it or redirecting it to a positive.  the new theories, of course, dispute that, because the new theories, concerning addiction and alcoholism at least, are that you don't do anything to upset anyone and you make sure all the walls are malleable and non-impacting, so you don't hurt anyone's feelings.  when i saw that even thinking something and wanting clarification was not permissible, at least in regard to me, i backpedaled to the position of just taking in the information, not asking anything, not jumping up to do any particular thing unless i was specifically asked, and getting through the class with enough information to pass the test.  I'd read ahead, i would listen when they'd talk, and i got the information i needed.  two things may have impacted, therefore, on this situation:
1.  i would not pretend that any of what I was being shown was especially difficult or enlightening, and I also refused to denigrate my own recovering experience.  if i get a job as a peer support person, i need to rely on my own experience and the guidelines they set in order to do my job, and i'm not willing to compromise that for someone's ego.
2.  i was given a survey, as everyone was, and i filled it out and turned it in before i realized it was supposed to be an anonymous questionnaire, and i initialed every page that i did.
3. after i withdrew to my holding position i refused to 'act as if', even when it was requested of me, because i felt that someone getting in my face to make me smile and putting all the focus on me went against the things we were being taught as important in viable peer support.
the lady who called allowed me to forward her my quiz email (forward; send it, with the person i sent it to originally attached) and they would have it graded so i could get certified.  they'll see that i sent it, the date that I sent it to the person who was supposed to grade it and i'll be vindicated in that way at least.  but i am grateful, as this could have had serious consequences to my future as a peer support person.  thank you, Jehovah, for watching over me still.

productivity

i'm weary now, but it's been a good day.  a serene and peaceful day.  i like that when i'm actually doing stuff.
i got up and said my prayers, though i felt i was up too early for a saturday.  i laid around for a bit, as it is saturday and i had nothing on my schedule. eventually i got up, took my meds and my insulin and i got to work on prepping Old Lazarus for the campaign.  I don't know if this is an 'engraving in stone' kinda notion, but i feel as if this has to break the barrier, that i can put paid to the whole novel thing at this point if i can't get this one across, because this is all the blood, sweat and tears of my book-writing history rolled into one almost 70,000 word manuscript.  i guess i'll put all my effort into getting it published, even if Amazon doesn't get to it.  anyway, I decided to do some interior pics, because if it is my last, finish strong, right?  so, that took me hours, as i don't do visual art as an easy thing, only as a necessary one.  i finished those around noon, then i decided i would go out and get some lunch,  had an omelet and grits for breakfast, had wings and salad for lunch, having stuffed pepper soup, very spicy, and italian sausages for dinner.  pretty good.  i cleaned the bathroom, the bedroom and the living room and i guess i'll  save the kitchen for tomorrow.  not waiting for Syd.  truthfully, as she's rarely here, i won't hold her responsible.  that'd be like having her come clean when she's twenty three and across the country.  though i would if i could.
so, i'm catching up.  i feel more ease in the lack of clutter.  i feel like i can get some shit done.  i can only take it one day at a time, regardless, but when i do the day instead of letting the day do me, i feel like that day is a pretty fucking majestic thing.  could be my imagination, but who cares?
anyway, i want to go to the hall tomorrow, and i think i'm going to call my mom and see what she's feeling like.  that's about it for today, going to work on some poetry for my next collection after i eat, or watch some television.  used the brain enough for now.  thank you, Father.

F.E.A.R or F.E.A.R, or F.E.A.R?

today was a pretty good day.  i started it slow because i had the interview and didn't want to overload before that.  I prayed, saw Syd off, had eggs for breakfast, took insulin and medicine and got into the tub.  after the tub, i was cutting it close so i cleaned off the car and went to counseling.  it was a good session, but it accentuated a lot of things that i've merged into my top personality, which is to say, toti has nothing to do with the way i'm processing some things lately.  the selfishness of my 'nobody is there for me, as well as the self-destructive implication that it brings, in opening the door to my harmful thinking.  my addiction is at its strongest when it has me as an accomplice.  doing the things i had to do today, i worked on editing Old Lazarus throughout, and was able to get it all done.  i have to do another run through on it, just to make sure, but i'm going to put it up for consideration for the campaign this weekend and we'll see how it goes.  i'm going to target key people this time, not just randomly sending out tags but people who are plugged in, who network well, who won't mind stumping for me, and then i'm going to pay for facebook ads for the first week and the last week of the campaign just to increase my reach.  utilizing the networks of people in the community as well, i'm sure i can get the required votes, but in the end, it's in Jehovah's hands this time same as last time.  i'm going to do the footwork and leave the power stuff to the One with the power.
anyway, i came home from counseling, got into my clothes and made my way to the interview.  the guy i met with was a nice guy, an old hippie type, and he was informative, inquisitive and very analytical.  i could see a lot of people sleeping on him, not seeing the intelligence that his peaceful demeanor hides.  there are others who have to be contacted, of course, but all in all, i feel good about my chances.  i came home again, edited some more, went to drop off book at the library and picked up Lonnie for lunch.  came home, finished the first edit, saw Syd in and out again, her MO at this time, and i just finished a burger and come cabbage for dinner.
i am not on track completely, i can't lie.  but i am awake, i am aware and i am nervous about a lot of things.  i know things are going better than they had been.  i know my ability to self-sabotage, to destructively eat, or food-fiend.  i know that i'm scared of the brightness a truly successful future could bring about.  but i know i want something different for my last days, weeks, years, however long i have left.  i'm tired of being this Tim.  I want to be a Tim that has options and makes good decisions, that can work things out and help in his own best interests the majority of the time.  i know those aren't exactly tangible goals, but i don't want material things. Except a car.  i want a new car.  but other than that?  my child is doing better, and better is relative.  my writing is stronger, doors are opening for me as far as employment goes, and the future is not some murky destination on the other side of a seemingly eternal fog bank.  so, scared or not, we're going to keep flying this thing.  Kirk out.

quickly...

i'm on my way to counseling and a fairly full day.  I didn't update yesterday, as I was working on the first edit of Old Lazarus and taking care of some beginning of the month business.  I had a good day, and I am having a good day so far today.  I'm going to write my official entry this evening, after all is said and done.  but i have to get back to consistency in this, as the only way i'll know where i've been is to keep a record.  it's easy to forget the pain if you don't remark on it, because the brain is designed to compartmentalize traumatic events.  were this not so, all the large families you see, large households, wouldn't exist because women wouldn't have more than one baby.
so, dinner with TP, she's still messed up, and not really moving toward not being, but she's not moving further into it, and i guess that's good.  Cryptic message from R yesterday in the wee hours, and no way to decipher so nothing i can really say about it.  can't catch TF, did visit the family, made another email address for my dad, a bit more comprehensive this time.  thinking about doing him a business page and all that.  but that's another day.  right now, counseling, home to change, interview, library and lunch with Lonnie.  laterz

Alpha Centauri

Well, this has been a good day.  and it's only about half over, which is really nice.  I am feeling good.  the only thing missing would have been to hit the gym, and I'm doing that tomorrow, should i be blessed to awaken, and friday, under the same conditions.  but friday will be busy.  i'll get to that.

i woke early, like 3 o'clock.  i don't know why; i did crash a bit earlier than usual, but not so much that i would wake that much ahead of schedule.  when i do that, i tend to lay around for a moment, see if i'm going to drift again.  it didn't seem i would, so i said my prayer and got moving.  came into the living room, turned on the coffee and the computer.  i started writing again.  checked to see if Felecia sent any other chapters and she had not.  so i worked on concluding Old Lazarus.  and I GOT DONE!  i put that in caps because it wasn't a cheat.  i rode the vehicle the muse provided and loved the ending.  i did end up back in bed and writing there as well.  but other than editing, it's done.
after that, i took a break because my brain was vapor locked.  i eventually took a bath and got to my appointment with dr jackson.  got my new shoes that no one had called to tell me were in.  i went to the library from there, but first i stopped at mcdonalds for burritos because i'd not eaten anything at all.  at the library, i realized i left the book i was returning at dr jacksons.  i called and they said the book was at the front desk so i went back to get it and went south.  i went to the clinic, paid the meeting rent for february and went up the street to set up for the meeting.  i stopped at sav-a-lot for stuff for dinner and cookies for the meeting.
it was a good meeting, but we read Step 4 which is a long section and i knew comments were going to go so i left about 1.  waiting now for TP to call so we can get coffee somewhere.  however, good things, i got a call for an interview with Help Hotline, which is groovy.  and i got my credit card in, which is groovy also.  now i can start putting some wheels on this thing.  but i am going to say thank you to Jehovah, my heavenly Father, and i put that here as a marker of my gratitude, so i don't let my ego start to run.  and yes, i know the interest is high, and yes, i know most people don't get excited over a credit card, but i've never had one before, and i can get some things done and improve my credit score, and some doors that have been closed may start to open.  i am glad, i feel good and I finished writing.  my interview is friday, after counseling.  at 11, so no biggie.  counseling, breakfast and then interview.  all after the gym.  i feel so blessed.

momentum

well, this has been a good day, and I am very grateful for that.  i woke up and said my prayers and got the day started slowly.  i got dressed, took a bag of trash to a dumpster and went to the gym.  i wasn't feeling real enthusiastic and my heart rate was high pretty quickly, but i did a mile on the treadmill and came home.  Syd's friend was here when i got back and i got to writing.  Syd went to school and i got on with my day.  i did the some editing on Felecia's book, went to the store to get something for dinner and came back to write and edit.  I spent the day in creative endeavor, which is a wonderful thing.  i had lunch, made some calls, got back to my thing as i prepped dinner.  Syd went to a movie with Jo and i had some misgivings about that.  she does spend a lot of time with him.  i guess it's part of the new phase of this journey; a father of a growing offspring who will soon be gone.  as much as i look forward to my space again, i am going to have an identity crisis when i'm not a full-time father, because i'm having a bit of one now, and i am still technically full-time.  but that's what life is, a series of changes and journeys that teach you if you're receptive to the lessons and burn you if you just keep sticking your hand in the fire.  can't do much about that, i'm learning quicker but moving slower, how's that for a suck-ass analogy for getting old?  i had dinner, talked to a friend on messenger, wrote some more in Old Lazarus and eventually had to put it away and decided to finish the cover for it.  which is that thing right up there in the corner.  I like how it turned out and I like doing this stuff.  i scanned it into my computer, used a program called Photoscope to mellow it out and shade it nice, as i colored it with pencils.  i added the lettering and my logo and et voila!  happiness.  i like that i can, though i would love to have a crew in place and we were working on projects together.  i'd also love to have six million in small denominations and a woman who could make a good omelet and was versed in Stoic philosophy, but what the hell, i'll settle for being good and getting better at my craft and having people in my life who give a damn about me.  I thank you, Jehovah, for gratitude and perspective.