better feeling

it's sunday.  it's me and Ava at the moment. that's not a bad deal, to be honest.

it's been me and Ava since friday when i got in from work.  Rachel is at her new house, with her family, putting things  together.  Ava won't be here for much longer, but she's welcome.  it's kind of strange.  i don't know exactly how i feel at the moment.  i know that having my house pretty much back to myself is cool, and i know that having Ava here is cool, and i know that when Rachel and i were actually communicating it was cool.  i don't know what i care about at this point, i don't know if i really care for one more than the other.  i know only that my clothes are clean, my dinner is mostly prepped and it's what i want, i have a meeting at one that i invited an old friend and a newcomer to recovery to, so i kinda have to be there, and that i'm considering breakfast.  i know i prayed this morning, that i wrote in my book, that i put my clothes away and read my meditations and scriptures and that i took my meds and this cold is pretty much gone but not completely.  that is all good stuff.

i also know that work is not a good environment for me right now.  just going through the motions on a daily basis is very draining.  i heard someone on the radio today summing it up the same way i'm feeling, sort of.  like, my sponsor is gone, and my uncle Tommy is gone.  my grandparents are gone.  my mom and dad are old, my brother is succumbing to the effects of the strokes he's had, and i'm not in the best of health.  nothing seems to be a gain anymore; everything seems to be a loss.  i don't see my grandson, i don't see my daughter, and i don't hear from Syd either.  so i feel as if, should i not continue to do this shit, it won't make much of a difference.  why would it?  and that's not the worst thing in the world, either.  but...

at work, i have a situation.  i'm thinking i'm being misunderstood by two different women. one of whom i enjoy for the pure pleasure seeing her brings me, the other because she is young and has a spirit i've always admired, a spirit of  being an individual in a world of conformist and clones.  and the first is envious of the attention i give the second.  and i ain't fucking nobody nowhere, so why do i care?  because my usual reaction to that kind of bullshit is to withdraw further into myself, and i have no further to go.  and if i don't straighten it out, then that's exactly what i'm going to start to do. 

got some things to take care of on the inside today.  but i'm having ribs and garlic chicken wings today, with some spicy cabbage and probably a baked potato.  gonna get me something nice for dessert while i'm out.  that's my treat to myself for holding the line.  tomorrow, should it come, is a whole new day, and today is the blessing i have received from the God of my heart and my understanding.  i thank Jehovah for opening this day for me, and for the gifts it comes with.