start with, after leaving the house yesterday, all was pretty cool. Joshua is still having car issues, and he asked for my transportational assistance, and i wanted to help him but i didn't figure the logistics of my helping him in a productive way before he decided to just take his car to work and then chance getting it to the mechanic afterward. i wanted to get a time flow going so i could do my stuff, get him to his mechanic and then to work since he got called in and then get to lunch with Lonnie. but it didn't happen that way, and i'm okay with it though i do worry about Josh. but he is 23, and much more resilient that i can imagine.
counseling was good, i took VF a card for her birthday, did not challenge on the 'no cake' request that she made. it was a decent session, but ranged through some depressing things, like the recent mosque mass shooting in Australia and how no one group victimized by hate from the same source seems to find the wherewithal to band together against the proliferators of said hate. after counseling i went home, swept as i said i would, took care of a few other things, then went to pick up Lonnie and have lunch. lunch was cool, and after i took him back to work i was pretty much in for the day. thought about going out to get some dinner, but that was my food addiction trying to get me to McDonalds or some other shit. instead, i had grilled cheese and soup, i watched some television, i talked to Rachel, Keith called and i talked to him. i finished paying my gas bill, which was planned for this week, and i looked into paying my cell phone bill for the first time since switching, but i guess they'll notify me when it's time.
i thought a lot about the nature of Rachel and i as well. seems like we are at least talking again, and though i doubt she'll verify my observation, it is after she is gone and in her home that we resume the ability to communicate. and the communication is limited and strained. i barely talk about anything at all, am more responsive than open about me. i just don't feel much emoting on either of our parts, and i don't feel like trying to probe for something tangible. my honest feeling is, if this is all there is to us, it will have to do and i won't make more of it than it really is. i guess it is the truth; i miss a Rachel that either doesn't exist any longer or never did except in my skewed perceptions. sad but honest. and does she miss me at all? no way to know. it's like missing Syd and my grandson. i could reach in, change things, force alterations, and then just take whatever is nearest at hand to the fissure i break in the barrier, but why should all that work be necessary to actively love someone?
today i've put clothes away, i've had breakfast and i'm taking the trash out. i'm going to work on some of my stuff today. i'm going to get ready for Sunday's meeting and going to visit Nancy. and i am grateful, in BIG ways, because Jehovah has shown me He takes care of me when i try to do what's right.
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