Knock Me Down...

i again apologize.  i guess depression is easier to Want to deal with than to actually do something about.  that doesn't mean it's impossible; it just means it sometimes takes a bit more than willpower, and that it doesn't exclude the will to do something different. 

i went to a doctor appointment yesterday.  i knew it wasn't going to be great stuff; weight increasing, blood pressure higher than usual.  i didn't know i was going to confess to my endocrinologist that i've been wrestling with some real-time existentialist stuff...as in, do i want to exist or not, and do i really care if i do or not.  but it is in the telling of the truth that one finds some things that one needs to build on the foundation, i suppose. 

like, how my doctor spoke of her own faith, about the lessons she gives to her own children.  how she gave an analogy, adaptable, that has given me pause to think, and how i want to act differently on the basis of what she gave me.  i told her i feel that, though grateful to have the things i need, to have my needs met and all that, i still feel as though i'm going downhill on roller skates, that nothing is ever truly going to get better in my life, in this life, and i didn't see a point to it.  she said that every single person is born dying (reminding me of a simple truth, but it's always bracing to hear it from a doctor), that life is not about whether we're going to die or not, because we are, but about how well we choose to live the life we have until it's done.  'We're all on a sinking ship', is how she put it.  and she's right.  but i'd never considered that before. 

every ship, every single water craft, every seafaring vessel, will one day be at the bottom of the water it was crafted to sail upon, will be at the bottom of the sea it fared.  every single one. and the people who build them know that.  just like there are Rolls Royces in junk yards, same as Yugos and Chevettes.  the thing is, did their owners enjoy the rides they got out of them?  did they go places, take journeys, have fun, get the most out of their time on earth?  or did they just sit, rust, atrophy and eventually get hauled off to the final resting place? 

life has to be more. it has to mean more.  it can't be just bitter people, insane individuals who have lost touch with their spirituality, let alone the rest of humanity.  it has to be more than grief and loss and sickness.  it has to be more than getting old and getting useless and feeling sick and fat and pointless.  there has to be more to it than that.  and knowing if there is or not is a process of discovery, not a process of sleeping through the bad stuff and hoping the good stuff won't take much longer to get here.

it's time to change. 

i've been working.  i pray.  i eat, i take meds, i go to sleep to wake to a new day.  my body has craved contact that i've not pursued.  i am weary of a 'holding pattern' existence.  its time to be a wolf again. 

thank you for the reminder, Father.  thank you to my endocrinologist, for reminding me that if my boat weren't still afloat, we wouldn't be talking about it sinking one day, and that maybe i need to quit bitching and get it 'seaworthy' again.  i'm gone.