it is Monday. it's the 11th day of March. that means it's been 8 days since i last bothered to write anything here. i have fallen far behind. i've addressed precious little. i have, in other words, allowed my emotions to resume the driver's seat, and continue to pretend surprise at the fucked up places they've been taking me to. i am not truly surprised. i am truly fucked up. but that changes as of now.
the thing about an emotional road trip, a trip where your feelings are behind the wheel and just driving, heedless of the GPS that you've installed in your psyche and have learned to rely on, is that you in the passenger seat of your own life see signs along the way, letting you know that you're not going the right way, not at all, but you stay there, because your feelings, once empowered by your apathy, disdain or simple indifference, will continue to assure you that they will take you where you want to go, they know a 'better way', or a 'shortcut'. point in fact, they don't. they know only how to go the way they've always gone, and to take you the way they've always taken you. and they're not bad... as navigators. emotions, feelings, are great at reading the maps, telling you what's ahead, letting you know to consider a different way or even to continue on a path that YOU'RE driving. but they are lousy decision makers when they're in the driver's seat. and the fucked up part is, i know this, like most of us of a certain age do, because we've rode shotgun to our feelings many times, and it's never really worked out well for us.
so, 8 days later, my mind is starting to clear. my INTELLECT seems to be awakening again, and i'm at least aware that change back has to happen, one day at a time. nothing else matters. and i'm okay with that. Intellect over Emotion, not instead of. but i want to drive this car, this spaceship, i want to captain this Journey, even if i'm not the One who commissioned the trip. and i won't have my navigator sitting in my chair any longer. one day at a time, that is.
so, why the picture of Rachel?
a perfect example of my emotions driving the car, and of how long they've truly been in the driver's seat. my home, my HOME, is empty again. no Rachel, no Ava. Rachel is in her own house, and likely headed for the hospital, some health issues not being controlled very well on her part, probably for the same reason as i've not written in a week. and i'm seeing so many people are hung up on the same thing. found my daughter's mother is moving again to Arizona. just doing the same thing, expecting different results. a condemnation? no, an identifying, as i am also doing same things, expecting different results, or worse, not even caring what the results are. and it's not everybody. but its prevalent enough for me to know that i've been on a bad road, and it's time to check the navigation system, find out what magnitized me to that bad road and write about it, but more importantly, get myself back on the right path and get the hell back into my flight plan. that's the important thing.
it's Monday. back to work. i've been sick for weeks. blood and snot still when i blow my nose. i've stopped taking the medicines, cause they're not working. i'll call my doctor today, see if perhaps it might be something other than a cold. i've THOUGHT about it. i do have a dander allergy, and i've lived with Ava for a couple months. so perhaps this is a sinus infection, perhaps my house is full of dog hair and i can't shake it. i'm not feverish, no body aches, no weakness. so i have to consider it may be something else.
one thing i will say, got to put debits in the right column. i have not ceased prayer, have not ceased my readings, have not ceased my medications. i am grateful to Jehovah for allowing a fool to ride out his foolishness, once again. i miss Johnny, my sponsor. i miss my old recovery friends, my old life friends, the people i adventured with in my younger days. but doesn't everyone? life goes on. i will do what i have to do to go on with it, as everyone does. and i will take this day as my life, and do the best i can with it, and see where tomorrow takes me if i am blessed with tomorrow. for now, thank you, Father, for showing me me in others, and for showing me others in myself. time to correct the course.
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