a day in the life, sort of

this was my kind of hat, once.  this was the kind of hat i would spend the early days of summer looking for, to put on my head and to complete my costume.  a hat, a mohawk, dark tinted lenses in my prescription glasses.  something, things rather, to keep me hidden from the eyes of those around me.  i put a lot of work into image control, because i was sure that if anyone truly got to know me, i would be ejected from the 12 step program, that i'd be ostracized and once more left alone on this planet.  i know better now, but i still like the hat.

it's late and i need to be sleep, but i can't.  tomorrow i ride to PA to say goodbye to Rob.  i should have been sleep.  but it's been a day.  cleaned my downstairs, mostly.  washed and dried clothes.  went shopping for something to wear tomorrow.  hung out with Rachel.  visited my parent's house, my mom specifically.  did the things that i had to do.  my head hurts, my neck has been hurting.  i don't think that's why i can't sleep. 

i have the thought that things right now aren't quite real.  i do believe my brother has died.  i do know that in 17 days i'll be 51, and that my brother will never be 49 in November.  i know that i have to drive for about 9 hours tomorrow, still get up on time Monday to do my job.  i know that i prayed, had breakfast, took my meds and read and am grateful for the entire day.  still, i am apprehensive about the trip tomorrow.  i want to just chill, as i know is in my best interest.  but things have to be done, and i have to do my part.  so i'm going to shut this down now.  i'll update the Dining Room for the last couple days tomorrow morning.  and i thank you, Father, for getting me through some rough days lately.