Through My Mind...

going through.  that's all life is, that's all any of this is.  a decision, on a daily basis, to go through.  i'm okay with that.  i go through, you go through.  we all go through and we're all going through something.  going through some kind of shit.  but it doesn't mean anything if there's no learning.  going through on automatic pilot, numb and blind to the world around us, that's almost the worst experience of all.  because, eventually, one wakes up.  wonders where one is, how one got there, and how the hell one gets away.  that's coming to from going through, and i've been there before, and i don't want to be there again.

yesterday had moments of all kinds.  spent the day reading the employee handbook, because i was given a paper to sign off on saying that i had read it, and i had not, had never, and have not received a copy of one yet.  i also had a bit of a collision with the Ops manager over me helping another driver before i could even get to working on my own clients, and i have to see the results of that today.  whatever they are, i accept them, because i am not going to shirk at this point, haven't so far.  but i also know that i have to remember to live better than i am accustomed to, attitude-wise, and that my example for how to do that is not on this plane of reality. 

i did see my mom yesterday, did hang out with Joshua, i did my route in good time.  i did talk to Rachel and Lonnie, briefly, and i did find an app to allow me to get some music for my phone, which makes me happy.  i did not write, though i wrote some lyrics at work and will attempt to do some more today.  i did what i needed to do, and some things i wish i'd done better, and some things i honestly wish others had done differently in regard to me.  but again, that's going through.  yesterday is for charting, not reliving through mental and emotional time travel.  and, i did pray, did read, did take my meds and i did feel grateful for what i have, though i am not ever grateful enough, for how could i be?  i thank Jehovah for bringing me through the night to another day, and i am going to get it moving now.