Strangeness of Feelings

there is no real way to explain the way emotional expression changes overtime.  factors forgotten and stimuli that doesn't even resonate on a conscious level are a part of that change, but it has to be so many other things as well. 

this morning i found one of my traps caught a mouse.  throughout the night, i could not sleep well, knowing the likelihood a mouse would die.  i'm not sure when that happened.  i can say with honesty, if not pride, that as a young person i laughed at suffering.  i think i did it deliberately, marshaling the cruelty it seemed was necessary to survive in this world.  but it was nothing to run over animals and only express sarcasm and dark humor.  now, i have a mouse in my trash can.  he is suffering, because the smart bastard got through 3 of four traps, eating the peanut butter with impunity, and at the fourth one he got careless and got his back broken. but he suffers, and i don't have it in me to crush his head and end his torment.  so out he goes with the trash.  and i put out a poison block for his nest-mates, so i may stumble across corpses and not victims.  i'm getting weird in my old age.

above is a picture of some of my co-workers, early in the morning.  they're none of them bad people.  they do their jobs and get through the day without a bunch of noise or fanfare.  i got no issues with them.  i'm trying to have no issues with anyone, but its hard.  but i realize, judging and being bitter about people's assumed shortcomings just keeps me miserable.  it keeps me miserable in places in which i have no control, let's say.  so i am trying to allow them to be them, and keep moving and being me, and maybe i can find some serenity again, and maybe even some moments of happiness.  that is not too much to ask for, and not too much to work for either.

yesterday went well enough.  i bought my mom and dad a pizza from the 'Mart and salads to go with it so they had something for dinner.  the bus runs weren't terribly eventful, and that's always good.  the weather improving means my two clients in wheelchairs will ride more often, and that's okay too.  it lengthens the day some, but money is not a bad thing. 

i didn't shower this morning.  as i said, i tossed and turned most of the night, and it had to be sometime around one that i finally drifted off, and that means about two hours, two and a half tops, of uninterrupted sleep.  it'll have to be enough.  this evening i'll groom and clean up for Thursday.  no work Friday, and i'm glad for the respite.  it's been, in only two days, a long week. 

i prayed to Jehovah for His removal of the mice, and asked forgiveness for the taking of their lives if they remain.  that's where i'm at right now.  and i thank Jehovah for the ability to feel, but sometimes it does seem to be a bit extreme.  oh well...