i'm okay, and i want to say that first. i'm not happy, i'm not cheerful and i'm not feeling a whole lot. but i'm okay. this grief is not as heavy as in October, but it is deeper than that, which is something to know. Still Waters run deep, they say. i guess it's true.
today i'm taking to myself. it's a bit selfish, i know, but i need a moment of selfishness. i've been dealing with my parents since thursday night. i've been stress/grief eating. i've been sighing a lot. i keep thinking about Rob, my brother, and i can only really see him as a young boy. we didn't spend much grown time together. when i was in early recovery, i missed a lot of my younger siblings lives. when we got older, he got out and stayed out. moved to Florida with his wife. Moved to Alabama, back to Florida and then to Pennsylvania. maybe places in-between. i've seen him, mind you. when we saw each other, we never had issues. i did have an issue with him, attempting to tell my child things that he could not have experienced as a parent due to not being one. but that never mattered; it wasn't a big enough issue for me to have to speak on it to him.
the first night my mother sobbed. that was expected. but she knew. on Wednesday, she had asked me to talk, and spoke on being unprepared for the loss of her child. so she knew, however she knew. my father, on the other hand, he is not well. he is a doer, he is one who has to know, who has to be heard. his whole identity is challenged in this; he couldn't save his son, he couldn't fix this. he tried so hard to find something to DO on Thursday night. but he couldn't just sit with his wife, couldn't just cry with her, couldn't comfort her. i think that's part of my numbness too. if i could just, ONLY, feel my brother dying, i could likely hurt and start moving toward healing. but i have to KNOW my parent's state of mind. i have to KNOW my older brother Jerome's grief, running deeper than my own, and his constant and horrific pain from his strokes, which worsens regularly. his own battles with maintaining life, with the desire to. it makes me re-evaluate my own need to be here. i see my family's grief and realize i wouldn't want to deliberately add to that through any suicidal notions my depression dangles before my eyes like paradise fruit.
i spoke to the youngest son last night. he is still self-absorbed, still trying to find ways to justify not growing up. i'm not in the best mode for patience right now, so i kept it simple with him. the youngest daughter made a decision to get into therapy as she is heavy with her grief, and she is waiting for word of the services so she can make her arrangements. that's how it goes. some get it, some don't. some can, and some never will.
i'm okay, though. going to dry my clothes, going to clean a bit, going to just try to do the stuff i'm supposed to do. i'll even log the last 2 days worth of bad eating on the Dining Room. and i'm very grateful to Jehovah, for his care of my brother's spirit.
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