start with saying, my mother is doing better so far, and i hate to upset that. she was bad the first day, and she is still having some trouble keeping her thoughts in linear form, but she is doing what she needs to get done. my dad, however...
i'm sure it's normal, in a way. my dad doesn't do grief well. he doesn't show emotion well. he is trying to keep a handle on his feelings, trying to stay in control of himself, by figuring a way to get what he wants, which is some sort of service for Rob here. and that's not the worst idea. but my dad's way is to just get an idea and some of the components of it, and then rope a bunch of people into doing the legwork for it. and i'm not going to do that. and of course he's not happy about that. so we had a moment on Sunday, and currently we're not talking. i'm okay with that. i've passed that point in my life where i feel i need to make the piece with people in order for everything to be alright. sometimes, things have to break. sometimes the center isn't supposed to fucking hold. and if it can't be understood that EVERYONE is grieving my brother, everyone from his family of origin, then my dad needs to reassess his position in this. the first day, my mom sobbed while my dad sat, across the room, trying to figure what to do with his phone.
anyway, i'm still grateful. there's an autopsy being done, so it's not exactly cut and dried. my brother was depressed most of his life, just like me and i guess like the rest of us. he may have just found some peace for himself, by himself, but i can't say that for sure either. and it wouldn't matter to me. i just want to continue to be honorable with his memory. and i want to grieve, in my time, without having to work for someone else to get their way to micro-manage their emotions so no grief actually shows. but that's me. the best thing i can do is turn this all over to Jehovah God, and leave it there, for the resolution that will help the most people in this. so, thank you, Father, for your kindness.
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