that is an extremely sad thought for me, and i want to get it in and get it out of the way. i miss him. i do. i miss Syd and even Joe as well, miss visiting them, miss their visits.
once upon a time, i would have tried desperately to search through my soul, find anything that could be construed as a 'wrong' on my part, something i could apologize for, make an amend for, verbally own so that i could get back to enjoying the things that were removed from my life by other hands. at this point, though, i only think in terms of, 'have i done any active wrong towards a person'; 'has that person informed me of what wrong i've done to them'; 'what is God's will in this situation for me, as i cannot know God's will for anyone else'...things to that effect. and then i do my best to let go. i cannot fix what i have not broken. because to do so, i assume that i am the most qualified to fix things (i am not; God is) and i assume that it is my responsibility to fix the broken things of others, family included (it is not; we're all responsible for facilitating our own healing).
i'm not mad that his father's mother gets to spend time with him. my child spent her young life trying to find ways to have what she believed was a 'normal' existence, while simultaneously attempting to find a niche she could force herself into. this may cover a lot of different bases for her; i don't know. but i know she has the right to do whatever she wants to in regards to her and her child. and i know that hurt is optional. i feel love for my grandson; i didn't know ahead of time what i would feel, but i feel love for him. but he doesn't even know me now. and so, what would the hurt be? that, in doing nothing actively wrong against my child i have had her impose distance, not only between herself and i but also, between myself and my grandson? i can't be hurt by that. i can be confused, i can even be angry sometimes. but hurt? it is not a thing done to me. i can't believe that it is something done to me. i believe that it is something happening. and if i get hurt by everything happening that doesn't agree with what i Want, what i Desire, then i'll spend most of my waking hours being hurt. and that is just not my cup of tea at this moment.
i still wonder what he looks like now. he's probably walking well, likely speaking some words. eating solids to an extent. but, i know he's okay; i'd have heard if there was something horribly wrong, at least i'd like to think so.
i had a dream last night. i was working on music pretty seriously. i was seeking out singers for some new things i was going to work on, some things i was writing. it was summer time. i was finding some classic singers who were willing to come lay some vocals for me. and the dream ended with a Smokey Robinson song being sung by George Clinton and a female vocalist who i can't remember now, but myself, Johnnie C (my sponsor) and another brother joined in and sang the doowop harmony behind them. it was such a happy dream, in that my sponsor was alive and we were singing together, and i was working on my things. as i think of it now my eyes are stinging. and now i am awake, and the dream is fading some. so i will hold what i can on this Journey, and i will keep moving, as that's what a Journey is, right?
yesterday i had a good day. more restful than i thought it would be, as i was planning on a deep cleaning of the house. but that can wait. its cold, it was snowing a tad as i looked out my morning window, so i changed my plans to visit Nancy to today (Sunday) after the meeting and i went to the store after breakfast to get the things for our fajitas at the meeting, in celebration of Marc's born day this past Wednesday. i got fruits and the stuff to prep and i came home after the stores rather than going to buy lunch out. i prepped, then had lunch. i watched some television, i washed dishes, i kept my meals very simple and i rested. i talked to Rachel earlier in the evening and Lonnie later in the evening and my mom in the morning. I finally put my clothes away and i did some writing on my book. i watched my young cousin from up the street and someone with him i don't know in my young cousin's car, which has been parked in this driveway since i moved in here, and now i'm wondering what the hell is really up with that car, being that his mother (my first cousin) said the car belongs to the title loan company now. but again, it's not mine to repair, it's not mine to worry about. not my circus, not my monkeys.
i'm going in now to prepare the fajita items and get them into my electric skillet, which will go with me to the meeting to keep things warm. i've planned this out pretty well, and hope that Marc is happy with it, that i've got enough for people to eat and that Matt got Marc's cake.
thank you for life today, Jehovah my father.
The Dining Room
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