time travel and wistfulness

its the end of another monday.  i've started going over the past two years of writing.  i find that amazing, i have to be honest.  i haven't been 100 percent consistent, but my blog has been going on since 2015, and it continues.  i can't believe that i've recorded so much of my life.  the 10th step says 'continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it', and that is what i still endeavor to do.  i don't always succeed, but i've got a written account of the entire thing.

i've sacrificed the long writes and the food logs.  many people have lost their anonymity along the way, some gained anonymity as i got further in.  i moved from my apartment, with it's founded and constructed spiritual comfort, to my parent's house, which has no discernible heart.  there have been changes.  yet, when i began, i was wrapping up Mechanical Jesus, i was working on my screenplay, and i was dealing with TOTI (Tim on the inside)  I can say i miss dealing with him, but he's been kind of quiet lately.  i think i've been integrating him with me, or me with him.  however the circumstances may have occurred, i'm not going to make him irritated just to write something from him.

now, this conscious world?  different matter.

i don't eat nearly as much as i used to, but i'm not disciplined as i was going for at the start of this blog.  i am losing weight, slowly, which was my goal.  still doing the same meetings, still praying and mostly reading my meditation books.  still getting to the gym, but still not as often or regular as i'd like.

its the next day.  i'm waking late, almost 8am now.  but i feel pretty good.  my knee is not hurting.  not much.  i can still feel the gout, but it is not debilitating.  just finished my morning prayer.  a crow is calling another crow outside.  it is warm, calling for thunderstorms that i knew were coming.

as i drifted, i kept thinking about how far i've come.  its easy to look at where i am only, not to look at the road that i've traveled to get here, not to look at the constellations and nebula and know my trajectory, though perhaps not the one laid into the console, has been impeccable, perhaps because God knows better than i which way to go.

i am the father of a grown son and daughter, and a partial father of another girl-woman.  i am an author, published in a respected medium, selling some books and learning the process of marketing.  i am a peer support specialist, with a director of operations of a recovery facility in this city attempting to make room for me in their system.  i am caring as best as i am able for my parents.  i have a car, i have money in the bank and a bit in my wallet. i am coming up on 29 years clean and sober of all mood and mind altering substances.  i woke in a bed in my parent's home...but i WOKE.  i will eat food that is partially purchased by me and partially by others... but I WILL EAT.  i have some mailing to do, some driving, some things to tend to.  got to pick up some prednisone.  many not actually need it, as i thought i would, but i'll have it for when i do.  i'm blessed inordinately.  and when i bother to extract my head from my ass, it becomes pretty obvious that is the case.  i'm done for now.  thank you, Jehovah, for everything.  time to make the donuts...or something