run not so fast

sometimes there is a need to stop, to cease activity.  sometimes, a person has to have enough time to inhale as deeply as they can, and hold that breath, and then to let it seep out into the atmosphere, become a part of the blues of the entire planet of one time or another...or to scream it out, to blow it from the depth of their pain, to let heaven itself know that they are in agony...and to do it again, until normal function is restored.

and when it is restored, they run more...but not so fast.  more carefully, more intelligently.

instincts are the luxury of children who know no better and should never have to know more.

today i got up and said prayers and got the day started.  i went directly downstairs, earlier than i'd planned, but for the reason of showering and shaving, both of which i accomplished.  i then put on my mom's coffee.  i didn't put on my aunt's water.  i'm re-evaluating the whole 'trying to do things for everyone regardless of their participation in the family dynamic' thing.  sometimes, it's a beneficial policy, and sometimes, it's just angering bullshit.  regardless... i made no breakfast, i did not try to make anything right.  i turned on my mom's pot, i had a leftover cup of coffee for myself, i took meds and insulin, i got dressed after lotion and deodorant, and i got in gear to go to the 3rd interview at CCA.

it went well enough, two white guys asking questions about what i'd do in this situation or that situation, things that i have no real answers for because i've not done the job yet.  but i did emphasize that point; this is new to me, and any related experience i may think i have likely does not bear the same level of gravity as watching society's criminals on the daily basis.  but i could be wrong.  after the interview, i went to Boardman to get a drug screen.  i went to the store to get stuff for taco salad.  i called Rachel but didn't catch her.  then i came back to the house.  i prepped everything for the salad but didn't do the meat.  my dad and aunt had left.  i spoke to my mother about the negative statements she makes about herself and whether they are really necessary or not.  then i came upstairs and rested for a bit.

i had gotten breakfast at Taco Bell, i made myself a seafood spinach alfredo pizza and some broccoli for lunch.  i finally talked to Rachel, i'd talked to Lonnie earlier.  i got the rest of the taco salad together and fed my mother.  i ate a bit later, and watched television.  i am going to be shutting it down soon, as i'm going to the gym in the morning.

i took off the heart monitor last night.  it kept fucking up, and i knew i wasn't going to get any sleep with the false alerts constantly sounding.  i put it back on today in the late morning, when my interview and things were done.  it is still doing some of the false alarm stuff, but not as insistently.

i thank my heavenly Father for a day of slow motion and convalescing.  i'm done for now.