yesterday was a better day. i'm getting more into the swing of work. i had and have more access, have more range and am getting more confident. but the ache in my feet, the waking pain in my back, those continue fairly unabated. strange thing. when i wake, my back hurt, feet feel okay. when i'm at work, feet hurt, back feels okay. thinking i may need a better sleeping arrangement, this futon is ass.
digression, though.
yesterday i woke up feeling full of piss and vinegar. not really, but i felt pretty good. i got up, said my prayer after reading my scripture, made my way to the first floor. i put on coffee for my mother, poured out my own coffee from Sunday into a large cup so i could have iced coffee at some point in the near future, and i got some breakfast. the house was awake, so i talked to my mom for a bit and i put my ass back into the attic for rest.
at a point, my mom called me and said she was leaving and no one else was home. i decided after she left that i'd come down and shower, so i could do so without human contact. i know that's a part of the appeal of this job, though i don't mean it to sound as bad as it does. i love my family, my parents, brothers and sisters. my aunt. my child. but my alone time is now limited to when i sleep. and not working made it less. now, at least i have 8 hours away, with other people. and that helps. regardless, by the time i actually came downstairs, my aunt and dad had returned. my dad went to the urgent care again yesterday, his feet were bothering him. it is an amazing thing, to see a man in the throes of fear of aging once he is old. we got into it about Syd's decision to go to Arizona with her mother. it was a stupid conversation and a stupid argument, no other way to put it. based on an incident from some years ago, in which my dad decided Syd's mom was full of shit. but, that is not my concern. my thing is, Syd is 18 and will be until she turns 19. she has every right to succeed or fuck up on her own steam now. i am not trying to make decisions for her. in fact, this is one of the options i presented to her. and that she is going to go, first with her brother and likely later with her mother makes me happier than her being out in the sticks in redneck country with a bunch of idiots. but that's me. and, point of fact, i understood the conversation was a way of my father telling me he doesn't think Syd should go with her mother. but i don't honestly care what he thinks. i am grateful to my parents beyond measure for aiding Sydney and myself, for being there to help me raise her, for often providing for her what i have been unable to. that is sincere and real. but i am not prepared to sit and engage in conversation where i attempt to make decisions for grown people. that's not in my program, it's not part of my serenity machinery, and it's not how i live my life. it hasn't worked for my parents, for my brother, and it won't work for me. and i know this. and he should do. but he doesn't, and oh well.
so. work was good. i went to a staff briefing at shift change. i got my fingerprint login set and my picture taken for my badge. i actually got to carry and use keys for a part of the shift, which was nice, because then i could do things. i filed paperwork for the urine tests i did, i did pat-downs, i did top and bottom tier patrols. i felt okay, feet hurt, but that's about the way it goes now. i have to do better for lunch; chicken wings and chips are not how i want to live my life. i drank a bunch of water. communicated more with the 'residents'. i think they're starting a skinhead enclave, which would be really stupid of them but it is not out of the realm of possibility. and i talked more with my co-workers. so it was a good enough day, and i am now about to lay back down, try to get more sleep. i will do nothing until it is time for me to leave. going to try that route and see if my energy and stamina are higher.
the deer picture is edited for clarity, sharpness and color. just enhanced, not doctored. that is my parent's backyard, and at the right angle, a thing can be paradise...or hell...depending on how you choose to see it. Thank you, Jehovah, for what you place on my plate.
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