well, i am not sure what my tenure at this place is going to be. i guess there is a point where i have to assess my nature vs the job that i am required to do. have to hold them up to each other and see whether i am a good fit, in my own appraisal, which admittedly is not unbiased, or if i seem to be a liability rather than an asset. at the moment, it's not looking good.
i think, as much as i appreciate the move to one floor and doing the job all at one level, rather than climbing the 39 stairs a dozen times in 8 hours and walking to concrete tiers endlessly, the A side is much better benefited by someone with much more experience than i have.
yesterday a room search conducted by my immediate supervisor and a seasoned co-worker netted a variety of contraband items. stuff that, obviously has not just come in under my watch, but some of it clearly did. all i could do was continue with my routine of taking a head count and walking the corridor, and standing outside of what was going on, and feeling as if i had missed the entire world passing by. and why do i find it so hard to just go into a resident's space and see what they are up to? i watch my immediate supervisor, a little guy, stand in the hallway with his arms crossed and the residents just clear out. i have guys going into the kitchen to do shit that they shouldn't do, and i don't find out they shouldn't do it until later. or maybe i already know, and it's more important for me to not 'rock the boat' than to just hold the line. i don't know yet.
mentally, i'm still weary this morning. i'm drying a load of clothes and when they're done i'm going to put it down for a bit longer, let my mind unravel. sometimes, you just have to hold what you've caught til something else nibbles on a line. at least, i think that's how fishing works.
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