the bough breaks

i have to say, this has been a difficult few days for me.

in going through these times of change, i have had to maintain a certain distance from the events of my life.  i have wondered, often, why i have been so removed, as if things are or were happening on a screen in front of me rather than me being immersed in the events in the time stream as they were.  i can say honestly now, i believe it is because i would have lost my mind if i had been an active participant in these events.  i'm pretty sure that's the case, because i'm feeling pretty damn crazy right about now.  but i'm getting better, and i am grateful for that.

i've not been in any kind of routine except for work, and that's done.  to sacrifice everything, to push everything out of the way to sit in a basement for 9 to 12 hours a day...i'm not sure what i was thinking.  i am sure i can work in the basement.  i am sure i could write down there, i could tend to business.  but to push everything aside...

i miss having morning coffee with my brother.  i miss waking up in my own bed.  i miss going out and sitting in my chair that needed re-seating, and watching the day being born.  i have missed those things for a long time now.  i miss my automatic coffee maker.  miss baths.  miss Esmeralda, my avocado plant.  i miss Syd.  miss DeJa.  i miss having my food in my fridge to prepare from my imagination.

but having those things did not get my parents tended to.

we are a family of users.  we always have been.  either we're using substances, or we're using people.  i don't believe there's ever been an exception to that.  and maybe that's most families...maybe it's all of them.  i don't know.

i know that cooking fish and baking sweet potatoes for my folks today felt good.  i know that talking to Rachel felt good.  i know that watching The Truman Show with my mom felt good.  i know that getting an interview at CCA for an app i put in felt good.  i know that lunch with Lonnie felt good.  good like selling books and having the story come to me.  good like the good lines sewn together into a righteously amazing poem.

balance, right?

at the end of the road, you have to choose.  there are no comforts in the midst of an adventure that will last for long.  there are only moments where you hit the ceiling, and you rest because the growing pains hurt.  then you take a massive inhalation, blow some out, and stand straight up til you crash through the ceiling...to the next floor up.  and you do it again.

but when the bough breaks...
Syd is in wherever she is.  and the apartment will soon belong to someone else.  i am not in my grandfather's house.  i am more or less on hold until i receive Word as to what comes next.

the trick is to not fall with the branch.  to stay rooted, to stay connected, to stay in the life-force of nature doing its thang.  and then the answers will come and things will be made clearer.

i am grateful to Jehovah, for everything