it's been a rough few, i have to admit. i haven't intentionally gone this long without logging, but little things slip, then bigger things, then you're into some whole other shit, and you're scratching your head in a strange neighborhood, trying to figure where you are, how you got here and how do you get back home again.
that's been my experience, and whatever you want to call it...Satan, my negative focus, bad juju...is trying to take me back down those strange roads again. but i'm going to get caught up. try my best anyway.
see, i know i wrote on friday. pretty sure, anyway. because i saw the thing on Heather on a thursday morning. but did i actually write about it, or did i just think about it? either way, the 22nd is the last day i show writing.
now, what happened? i had a day with Rachel on Thursday. on friday, i returned to work, and i spent the day, about 5 hours of it anyway, at St. E's hospital. i was doing a Staff Stay, with two residents who were essentially just trying to either get drugs or get out of having to do their assignments at the facility where i work. but it was a nice change, because i didn't leave work beat up, as i had been. i'd been developing some misgivings,to be honest, because the constant walking, while building up my legs considerably, has done relatively nothing to ease the pain of carrying 300+ pounds for eight hours up and down 38 stairs and across miles of concrete. i ain't no young man anymore. i remember the GM days, when i could stand at that press, push those buttons, be ready for the next piece with my feet feeling like dagger targets in my boots and my hands cramping, just thinking about money. now, i could honestly give a fuck less about money, unless its to pay off my back debts and move forward with Z-Phyles. but it's my job, and my character is about being about what i say. so, i was glad for the respite. but that ended on Saturday.
Saturday was almost literal torment. by the end of the night, i'd been up and down those stairs more times than i can count. the top tier was humid and sweltering; the bottom tier was freezing. i walked almost endlessly, coming to resent my co-workers for their sitting time. i feel, felt anyway, that the finding of a seat and communicating is a privilege of time on the job. i don't want to be seen as shirking my duties. so i walked. and i climbed. and i kept it moving. and eventually the day was over. and i hurt...bad. like, spine-twisted, legs flayed, feet doused in kerosene and lit ablaze kind of agony. like, climbing the stairs of my parent's porch was a chore, and the 28 steps to the attic made me want to cry. like, waking up not much better than going to sleep kind of pain, and being wracked in the morning with various leg cramps kind of anguish. and not going to the Hall again, and not going to the Big Book study again, because i was just hurting too bad. didn't even get out of the bed until much later than normal. hobbled down the steps yesterday. too tired to make coffee. before i did, i prayed. the prayer is consistent. i prayed, and i got on my netbook and i started applying for jobs. that is what i did. i applied for about 5 jobs. and i was planning to quit. and while applying, i had a thought, perhaps it was me who had it, but i believe it was direction for my prayer. the direction was, 'speak to someone on monday about what you're experiencing, and see if they can move you to part-time'.
i like the job. despite the bullshit of the residents, i like the job. and i like the work...for about 4-5 hours. then it's just feeling the nails being driven into my flesh. so i figured to see about 4-5 hours a day. set me up right nice, that would, and i could be super-productive and leave before the torture set in.
well, i got to work yesterday and my actual boss was in. he told me he would switch me back to A side, as opposed to B side, and see how it worked out. A side is flat; the command center, or 'bubble', is in the middle of a corridor. down one side of the corridor is 8 bedrooms, a laundry room, two restrooms and a supply closet, plus one office. down the other side is the rec room, the tv rooms, the main offices. its one floor. there's carpet in the bubble. the office and rec areas are carpeted. there's tile on the other floors. it is not the Ritz, by any stretch, but it is a whole different world than the B side. and i worked it. and i am not in any abundance of pain this morning. and there was no reason for the switch to take place, and so i am very grateful to Jehovah for answering my prayer and looking after me.
this morning i am up. my back doesn't hurt. my legs only dully ache. i am walking right, and i am catching up. and i feel pretty good. and there's nothing more that i need to ask, so i am pretty close to done. i'm going to try to stay on track with my journal, because i am definitely seeing some different things on my Journey. later.
No comments:
Post a Comment