a bit of pretzel reasoning, i know. but it's where i currently find myself at this time.
today...a lot of thought goes into that word this evening. i'm in the attic, it's hot as hell, but i don't mind. i'm playing games, reading about the Warrior's victory on Monday (don't care enough to watch, but reading the opinions and stories is assimilating the culture) and thinking about this job tomorrow. still not sure if i even want it, but i'm sure i'll be there at 1030am tomorrow.
but that's tomorrow.
today...i didn't get to the gym again. took another gabapentin, or however its spelled. the nighttime dosage has helped. it has removed the overwhelming pain in my knee. but it's not my prescription, for one. it's very strong, and its hard on the kidneys, for two. it is not something i can do a lot of, and i'm done with it for now. the 'for now' part is not very sane, but i also have a prescription for prednisone, and i'll save it and use it when i need it.
i didn't get to the gym. i said prayers, took my books downstairs and did my readings outside in the morning air. as i took my medicine and insulin, i did some photo editing. we've been getting some pretty good shots. some things, you just have to take away enough of the filler to get to the heart of the picture. that's my theory anyway. if i could show you the entire shot of the picture i posted, you'd see what i mean. but the cropping, transforming it to black and white and doing some lighting changes makes it into an amazing shot, in my eyes. so the shot was always amazing, it was just surrounded by stuff it didn't need to be. and maybe that's what life is right now. maybe that's what i am right now. i can't really say for sure.
i was freezing in the basement. it was cold in the house, everywhere but up here. i did what editing i could, and then i came upstairs and had coffee. i'd made my mom coffee as well. my aunt was in the process of leaving for awhile. i was going to have breakfast with Marc before the noon meeting, and i talked to my mom before i left. that took me to the time for me to go, and i got gas and made my way to Boardman.
i called TF on my way south and heard about the drama that is spinning in her life right now. i kind of miss hanging out with her, but it would have curtailed itself anyway. besides, and i have to remind myself of this, i didn't push away from her, she drifted away from the meetings, the program and me. from her mom's sickness and death to whatever she's into now. it's not uncommon, but it still makes me wonder. we used to say a 'SLIP' stood for Sobriety Loses Its Priority', but these days, i don't know if sobriety is even job one for the new generation of recovering peoples.
beside the point, i know.
breakfast was cool. i like touching base with Marc. my last sponsee. and i don't really do much active sponsoring of him. he's set in his ways, he gets to the meetings he gets to. i would love to tell him to get more active, to date, to do social things. but for what? the program is in shambles. it would be like telling him to go coin hunting in a dumpster. harsh, i know, but not unaccurate.
the meeting was cool. Step 7, 'Jumbly asked God to remove our shortcomings'. scares the hell out of the new breed. they don't really get how it just entails starting the amends process. after the meeting, i went to the store, Walmart, and got some things to round out the meat loaf i'd made for the day and coffee for my mother and ice. i started working on dinner about 2pm today. i was still bristling a bit from the dinner thing yesterday, think i wrote on it. but i have to remember, they have their ways, and i am not here to change them, just to help them. i had lunch and dinner already, and am now lying in my bed. i didn't get much sleep yesterday, and i plan to dive deeper into it tonight.
i don't know. i'm not nervous. i see things differently than many people. i want to just get through this and learn my job parameters. i want to get to the drive-in with Rachel on Friday or Saturday. haven't heard from her today. but mostly, i just want to stay on the right path.
and i wish i felt the urge to write or sing, to compose, to record, to do something productive and creative. but it hasn't returned yet. real life has imposed itself, but my creativity was real life also. i don't know. i have to get these bills paid off, and that's only going to happen by working.
i thank you, Jehovah, for providing me with meaningful employment and a chance to carry a message today.
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