the coming hiatus

this is not forgotten.  this is only on hiatus.  but it is a reality check of no small import.  this is a dream that was born in the fire of life and pain.  and it is a vision that goes far beyond the parameters of what has been, far beyond the dimension of what exists now, into the strange land of what is to be.  i have not forgotten.  but life has imposed itself, and if i cannot deal with life, then i cannot responsibly walk toward this dream.  this is the truth i am living right now.



so, today wasn't bad.  i did hit the gym.  i prayed and read and got dressed and got out the door.  i did weights and i came home.  i put on coffee and i brought clothes into the house from my trunk and i got them separated and hung and the ones i can't wear are ready to go.  i had an omelet and toast for breakfast.  i heated water for my aunt but turned it off as she wasn't downstairs and that was the plan anyway.  i made myself and my mother coffee.  eventually, i took myself out to a couple garage sales.  i went to giant eagle and got fish and stuff for dinner.  i went to lunch with Lonnie, played some pinball, which we haven't done in a very long time.  i cooked dinner for my parents and myself.  i got a call from Syd while i was eating asking if i could come to get her and bring her to visit, so i finished eating and i picked her up.  she's living in some backwoods community that has a fucking 'trump 2016' sign big as shit at the edge of the lawn.  but whatever.  i did not give her these delusions, i will not attempt to remove them from her any longer.  she says she has a ride home.  i'm going to hold her to that.
i have to go back and read this now.  it's time.  it's time to see how far i've come, what my current trajectory is, and what corrections need to be made.  it's time to go into suspension for a brief moment, and reorient.  it's a good thing to do.  i don't know how long it will take.  but i know i will be more knowledgeable for the experience.  things are changing.  i have to make sure of my foundation before i start building again, because the last structure fell through the floor and regardless of the factors, that is my fault, i must own that.

i am blessed.  i am cared for.  i am caring for.  Syd and i haven't spoken much, which means my anger is still alive, and i'm not regretful about that, but i have seen her and that's enough for now.  Thank you, Father, for your love.