realities

time to release some things.

first it is a lovely morning.  again, i took a gabapentin last night, so i'm groggy now, but i've showered and shaved, cut my ear pretty good in the process.  i've had coffee, i've made breakfast for my mom and myself, and i'm back out of clothes and resting again.  i've prayed, i've read my daily scripture, though not my meditation books yet.  i'm pretty sure that's going to happen before i get ready for work.  seems i'll need centering for the new shift.

i went to the drive-in last night, as planned.  R and i.  we saw Wonder Woman, and it was a good movie, though i honestly thought it could have had a more involved plot centered around the superhero rather than her human companions.  but it was good.  i wasn't sure we were going to go.  communication has been wonky lately.  i sent a text with the plan but never heard back.  eventually i got a request for an earlier pick-up, a confirmation of sorts.  this is one of the things i'm going to get into.

work was a study in personalities.  and it would be one thing if i was speaking on the personalities of the incarcerated, but i'm speaking of staff.   the guy who trained me was warning me about other people 'stabbing me in the back' eventually, but he himself was always willing to help me, though not really.  i like the guy that i worked with after 4, he was helpful and kind, the boss lady, who seems like a pretty ogress, is actually nice enough, and now i have two days off next week.  the work isn't hard, but patience is going to become an exercise soon enough.

i am actually looking forward to getting to work, which for whatever reason i never felt when it came to Amazon.  that is pretty weird to me.  maybe i just needed out of the house.

so, R and I.  pictured above.  i love her. i am in love with her, for what it's worth.  but i am not on the same page with her, and that is the truth.  we're in some strange space though, and resolution won't be simple.

i watched her change gears based on an innocuous comment.  she is not going to acknowledge that i saw what i saw, but i spoke on it regardless. so, from intimacy to distance in less time than it takes to sneeze.  and this is not an isolated thing.
i try not to be reactionary.  it is something i was taught a long time ago in my recovery life.  "you can be responsive, or you can be reactionary, but you can't be both", is the way it was put to me.  i try to respond, to take time to think, to let my emotions settle before my words engage.  but that doesn't always mean i get serenity from the process.

R had her hands on me through the drive to the movie.  she was playful, forward and engaged.  during the movie, after the comment (which, one can decide for themselves, was to the effect of 'you're awfully cute in the dark', being that we were IN THE DARK and i was telling her she was cute), i found out that things that i've apologized for over a year ago remain in her arsenal, and i don't find that to be a 'just kidding' kind of thing.

some things sound warnings for you.  some things give you all the bells and whistles you need to alter your direction, maintain the security of your ground and not drive over the cliff.  the problem is, the longer it takes to go over the cliff, the less you believe the cliff is actually there.

in this case, again, gut honesty, i know the cliff is there.  but if not R, there is no one.

something for me to consider.