Travel 'logue

well, another chapter ended, another chapter begun.  this is what life is, what writing is, what creating is.  but this is also what pondering is, what contemplation is, and what sadness in motion is.  and they are all relevant, as it a healthy dose of directly applied spirituality.  sorry about the delay, but riding is hard on a body these days.  easier to cruise down star lanes on a pre-programmed flight plan, but driving for about 6 hours on a concrete road takes it out of me.  but enough whining.

over the days off, this will have to cover.  prayer, both days.  some rest, but not enough, until yesterday evening.  on Wednesday, i had my meeting, so that was the main focus.  i did get there, we just had a discussion and it was a pretty low morale affair and i tried to bring it back into the Step and Tradition focus with my comment.  i hope i succeeded, and if i did it will be by the grace of God, because i could feel the despair of what they were saying, but it's not always necessary to hit someone with the bitterness all at once.  you have to give someone a chance to get their own thing off.

then Syd was texting me that she didn't know if she really wanted to go, but she was using the excuse of being afraid to go with me, telling her mother she didn't want to be that far away from me and her grandparents, and not telling me the reality that Chris is waffling again.  which is not surprising, but it doesn't matter.  i talked to Chris as well, who also said nothing about these things, though she did talk nonsense about perhaps being given another chance to do things better concerning her children, who are now all grown.  suffice it to say, i talked to Chris, talked to Syd, and Syd brought her stuff over and was on the road Thursday morning.  that's where the fun truly began.

So. Yesterday morning we got up, mom's car loaded already, and prepared to hit the road. We took off and before we even got to Salt Springs the car was indicating an overheat. I stopped, filled the tank and the coolant reservoir and we resumed, to the same issue. So i turned around, Syd loaded her stuff in my car, filled it up and we left.

We made it in good enough time considering construction. We landed at Ronda's house, i hung out for a bit and talked to Ronda while i gathered myself. Then i got back on the road.

now, i believe in God, i believe in miracles and i believe wholeheartedly in Jehovah using whatever He chooses to do His will.  but it was some strange happenings, that i've not encountered before, that made me think in terms of this journey being the right one somehow...

for starters, i was exhausted.  watching Syd moving into adulthood slowly and painfully is hard, and sleep did not come easy to me on Wednesday night.  so i was tired.  and it was hot.  and my car has no a/c.  so i was slow roasting all the way there.  it was humid, building up to a heavy rain that was forecast.  i sat in Ronda's house, nodding and fighting the nod.  so when i got rolling again, i knew it was a mistake.  i stopped just outside Columbus, Fredrickstown, i believe, to get something to eat from BK, but the line was unmoving at all.  and it was hot.  and i was sleepy.  so i went back to my car, knowing that the closer i was to Youngstown, the less distance i'd still have to cover.  but i was nodding while i was driving.  and i knew i was doing a bad thing, pushing on...

when all of a sudden, a bee crashes into my glasses through my open window and lands on my leg.

never happened to me before.

i was startled and shocked into full wakefulness.  the bee was knocked unconscious, apparently.  i know bees are having a hard go of it these days, so i decided no killing.  i made it to a Wendy's, got out as the bee was again stirring, got him onto my phone and out of the car.  there's more, but that's not the point.

i ate there, got back in and drove, and started nodding again. but the bee and the lunch gave me enough to make it to a rest stop, where i parked and fell asleep for a power nap...

which ended when a fly chomped me on the back of my hand, which got me up and moving, completely refreshed.  made it through construction, around trucks, settled into my 72 mph cruise control in spots and listened to some hard rock and metal.

i got a text from Rachel telling me they'd had to reschedule the doctor in Cleveland because of an accident on the freeway, that they couldn't have left youngstown.  as i approached the city, i saw what she was talking about.  took me a minute to see the news on it, but a truck ran into another truck through construction and caused a chain reaction crash.  and i realized that, had we waited for my mom's car to be fixed, or delayed our departure, that might have been us, we could conceivably have been a  part of that accident.  we left 4 hours earlier, at 7.  should have been 5 hours earlier, but could have been much later.

so, Syd's in Columbus, an accident was avoided, a bee and a fly helped me get home, and i have to work today.  i am truly grateful to Jehovah God for his love and protection.

Better Day & Parted Ways...

Well, the difference a day makes, right? Its Wednesday now, and you find that at times success and sadness go very well together. Not always, but sometimes.

Yesterday at work the day went well, i thought. I had many of the same misgivings, and I spoke on them, but I was determined I wasn't giving up. One of the residents helped me, however, inadvertently I believe, by letting me know he didn't 'see' me as if I was staff. I decided then, I was going to make them SEE me.

So I followed instructions. I wrote an incident report for insubordination. I did admission stuff. I started setting the divide between myself and the residents. And I didn't lose my personal contact while doing it. It wasn't an I've Arrived moment, but it was a 'can you SEE me now' moment, and that'll do for now.

Tomorrow morning, I take Syd to Columbus. Better or worse, that's the point where our dynamic officially ends, or changes or whatever. So I'll say my last words and start my next morphosis into whatever God wants my to be, and hopefully, so will she. It reminds me, somehow, more of when my baby brother moved to Columbus than when I did. The need to learn responsibility. But, Thy will be done. I am grateful and a little sad, and I think that's called Normal.

still searching

well, i am not sure what my tenure at this place is going to be.  i guess there is a point where i have to assess my nature vs the job that i am required to do.  have to hold them up to each other and see whether i am a good fit, in my own appraisal, which admittedly is not unbiased, or if i seem to be a liability rather than an asset.  at the moment, it's not looking good.

i think, as much as i appreciate the move to one floor and doing the job all at one level, rather than climbing the 39 stairs a dozen times in 8 hours and walking to concrete tiers endlessly, the A side is much better benefited by someone with much more experience than i have.

yesterday a room search conducted by my immediate supervisor and a seasoned co-worker netted a variety of contraband items.  stuff that, obviously has not just come in under my watch, but some of it clearly did.  all i could do was continue with my routine of taking a head count and walking the corridor, and standing outside of what was going on, and feeling as if i had missed the entire world passing by.  and why do i find it so hard to just go into a resident's space and see what they are up to?  i watch my immediate supervisor, a little guy, stand in the hallway with his arms crossed and the residents just clear out.  i have guys going into the kitchen to do shit that they shouldn't do, and i don't find out they shouldn't do it until later.  or maybe i already know, and it's more important for me to not 'rock the boat' than to just hold the line.  i don't know yet.

mentally, i'm still weary this morning.  i'm drying a load of clothes and when they're done i'm going to put it down for a bit longer, let my mind unravel.  sometimes, you just have to hold what you've caught til something else nibbles on a line.  at least, i think that's how fishing works.

...days of pain and prayer

...a sleep selfie.  why the fuck not, right?

it's been a rough few, i have to admit.  i haven't intentionally gone this long without logging, but little things slip, then bigger things, then you're into some whole other shit, and you're scratching your head in a strange neighborhood, trying to figure where you are, how you got here and how do you get back home again.

that's been my experience, and whatever you want to call it...Satan, my negative focus, bad juju...is trying to take me back down those strange roads again.  but i'm going to get caught up.  try my best anyway.

see, i know i wrote on friday.  pretty sure, anyway.  because i saw the thing on Heather on a thursday morning.  but did i actually write about it, or did i just think about it?  either way, the 22nd is the last day i show writing.

now, what happened?  i had a day with Rachel on Thursday.  on friday, i returned to work, and i spent the day, about 5 hours of it anyway, at St. E's hospital.  i was doing a Staff Stay, with two residents who were essentially just trying to either get drugs or get out of having to do their assignments at the facility where i work. but it was a nice change, because i didn't leave work beat up, as i had been.  i'd been developing some misgivings,to be honest, because the constant walking, while building up my legs considerably, has done relatively nothing to ease the pain of carrying 300+ pounds for eight hours up and down 38 stairs and across miles of concrete.  i ain't no young man anymore.  i remember the GM days, when i could stand at that press, push those buttons, be ready for the next piece with my feet feeling like dagger targets in my boots and my hands cramping, just thinking about money.  now, i could honestly give a fuck less about money, unless its to pay off my back debts and move forward with Z-Phyles.  but it's my job, and my character is about being about what i say.  so, i was glad for the respite.  but that ended on Saturday.

Saturday was almost literal torment.  by the end of the night, i'd been up and down those stairs more times than i can count.  the top tier was humid and sweltering; the bottom tier was freezing.  i walked almost endlessly, coming to resent my co-workers for their sitting time.  i feel, felt anyway, that the finding of a seat and communicating is a privilege of time on the job. i don't want to be seen as shirking my duties.  so i walked.  and i climbed.  and i kept it moving. and eventually the day was over.  and i hurt...bad.  like, spine-twisted, legs flayed, feet doused in kerosene and lit ablaze kind of agony.  like, climbing the stairs of my parent's porch was a chore, and the 28 steps to the attic made me want to cry.  like, waking up not much better than going to sleep kind of pain, and being wracked in the morning with various leg cramps kind of anguish.  and not going to the Hall again, and not going to the Big Book study again, because i was just hurting too bad.  didn't even get out of the bed until much later than normal.  hobbled down the steps yesterday.  too tired to make coffee.  before i did, i prayed.  the prayer is consistent.  i prayed, and i got on my netbook and i started applying for jobs.  that is what i did.  i applied for about 5 jobs.  and i was planning to quit.  and while applying, i had a thought, perhaps it was me who had it, but i believe it was direction for my prayer.   the direction was, 'speak to someone on monday about what you're experiencing, and see if they can move you to part-time'.

i like the job.  despite the bullshit of the residents, i like the job.  and i like the work...for about 4-5 hours.  then it's just feeling the nails being driven into my flesh.  so i figured to see about 4-5 hours a day.  set me up right nice, that would, and i could be super-productive and leave before the torture set in.

well, i got to work yesterday and my actual boss was in.  he told me he would switch me back to A side, as opposed to B side, and see how it worked out.  A side is flat;  the command center, or 'bubble', is in the middle of a corridor.  down one side of the corridor is 8 bedrooms, a laundry room, two restrooms and a supply closet, plus one office.  down the other side is the rec room, the tv rooms, the main offices.  its one floor.  there's carpet in the bubble.  the office and rec areas are carpeted.  there's tile on the other floors.  it is not the Ritz, by any stretch, but it is a whole different world than the B side.  and i worked it.  and i am not in any abundance of pain this morning.  and there was no reason for the switch to take place, and so i am very grateful to Jehovah for answering my prayer and looking after me.

this morning i am up.  my back doesn't hurt.  my legs only dully ache.  i am walking right, and i am catching up.  and i feel pretty good.  and there's nothing more that i need to ask, so i am pretty close to done.  i'm going to try to stay on track with my journal, because i am definitely seeing some different things on my Journey.  later.

day off doings

a day down, a couple days off work, and its been good.  i'm glad to be off, and i'm glad to be going back to work.  there is something satisfying about knowing you have productive things to do, a place that you are required to be, responsibilities to be met and money to be earned.  it has been a long time, sporadically broken by moments of jobs and influxes of funds.  but this could last for awhile.  and i'm not sorry about that at all...

today was a good day.  i got up with prayer, slept in because i took a Gabapentin and it took away more of the neuropathic pain in my feet.  i came downstairs, made myself some coffee, heated up my mother's pot and got started on breakfast.  as i said earlier, in coming downstairs, i found my friend Heather has been incarcerated again, has been having it fairly rough.  i intend to compose a letter to her, only because i know i am not going to commit to being a visitor for her this time.  i've done that twice before, and she has reset herself to chaos and decay.  i will not watch someone killing themselves.  regardless of the motivation.  but i digress again.

i'd said my good mornings and i'd had my breakfast.  i had no further plan than that, when Rachel called and asked what i was doing.  she had a doctor's appointment on this side of town and i told her she should come see me.  in the end, i gave her a ride to her appointment.  i went looking for shoes, trying to find more comfortable shoes for work, but that didn't pan out, though i did find a nice pair of slip-ons for me and house shoes for my mom.  i got Rachel, dropped her off, went to the store and got the shoes, and took them back to the house, gave my mom hers.  Rachel texted me, saying she was ready, so i went to pick her up and brought her back.

it was a nice visit.  we had lamb salad for lunch from the gyro and pizza place on Belmont.  we played dominoes, we actually danced in the backyard (an assignment from her counselor, to do something she used to like doing but stopped at least one time before her next session), and we talked.  it was a good visit, nice to have time with her on my day off.  next week i will likely be in Columbus, taking Syd to her brother.  and Rachel will likely have to take her daughter to a doctor's appointment, so i doubt if we'll hang out then.  but i take the time that is given to me, and i appreciate it.

i took her home not long ago, finished our lamb salads, took the trash out.  i'm going to fill the reservoir on my mom's C-Pap machine, and i'm going to shut it down.  no pill tonight.  no stress tomorrow, just get through the day and the night.  one day at a time, is how that goes.  i wish i had something more eventful, but a good day of company and affection is sometimes all the drama that i require.  Thank you, Jehovah.

the continuous thread

it's going to be a different kind of writing today.  i'm going to log my yesterday, but there really wasn't much to it.  but i have thoughts that are important to me at the moment, and i'm going to process them in my own space, here, so that i can get to some resolution and some change.

this picture is Heather.  i consider her a friend, though she is not a friend to herself.  some might find it strange that i have friends that wear the orange jumper, but i've got many friends who have, many who will, and i just may myself one day.  who knows?

i've known Heather for about 11 years now, since she was eighteen.  we worked at West briefly together.  she was there after i got there, gone before i left.  she was a good person.  it would be easy to label her as spoiled, but that isn't it.  she was hurting, abandoned by her father, her mother was a heroin addict through most of her life up to that point (and, in fact, died of a heroin overdose not long ago), she'd been in and out of the system as a child, including a stay at Rosemont in Columbus (unpleasant association for me, but i believe in honesty), and she wound up a young woman with lupus, on a bunch of meds, with a lot of down days.

i met her as i was trying to transition back to myself.  i was still bitter from my relationship issues and was not opening my heart to anyone.  i did have a dalliance with her, but it was brief, and it did not involve my heart.  it did, however, involve hers, and that was not cool of me.  especially since, 11 years ago, i was 38.

Heather will be 29 in seven days. she'll be in jail for another birthday.

i say she is my friend, but i won't reach out for her this time.  i won't because sometimes, you have to accept that you can't help someone.  i have descended through roles as a person in her life.  from a pseudo-boyfriend to a friend in need, to a contact person, to the sucker she could use to get out of a longer prison stay, to the only person who would visit her in the city jail, to the 12 step working person trying to help her get clean.

isn't life wonderful?

and i got to thinking...Heather, when i met her, was a bright and beautiful soul.  i wish i had a picture of her from back then.  oh, of course...the internet.
  This is Heather, as i knew her when we met.  11 or so years ago, probably not quite that long, this picture.  as i said, she was a good person, but a lost person.  and i could not foresee what was to come.

and maybe that's what this is all about for me right now.

it is a pensive morning.  i didn't know about Heather's recent arrest until a few hours ago.  local news pops up on my computer, and there she was.  and there i am.  and there you are.  because we are all connected, whether we like that truth or not.  we are all threads that are woven together to create the human tapestry.  and, as a real-life tapestry, one thread depends upon another.  if you compromise the integrity of one thread, the entire tapestry is compromised.

i think about people i've known who have had pain such as Heather has.  some have gone on to do better things.  some have taken much longer to figure out that they needed to change.  some have learned to wear elaborate flesh-masks and pretend the world is exactly as they want it to be, while their pain resonates like whale-song from the deepest part of their ocean of despair.

and it's all part of the same tapestry.

i was thinking, when i was younger, there was a saying in the program, that 'the dog you feed is the one who wins the fight', in connection with our positive and negative selves.  but as i grow older and think more, i wonder about that.  a hungry dog, needing to eat, will fight with a savagery and ferocity that a satiated dog might not.  it's definitely true with humans.  what is it that makes one person say 'i don't want to be like Heather', but then prey on people like Heather?  what is it that makes an individual know, beyond speculation, that they are on a bad road, but keep walking, hoping that the farther they go, the sooner it will turn out okay?  there are no answers to these questions, but they are things that i wonder, as i think about Heather, once again in the county.

if i'd been able to love her, would it have made a difference?  i don't know.  i'm not her daddy, and i am not her mother.  love for me is not a replacement for their love.  only self love can undo lack of love from those who are supposed to love you.  i believe that.

yesterday i did nothing.  i rested.  i ate, went to lunch with Lonnie.  i did the meeting, thank heavens, because the secretary didn't show up.  i cooked fish for dinner.  i did as much nothing as i could.  i feel pretty good today.  just pensive.  and that's not a bad thing either.

thank you, Father, for your grace.

lifetime

sometimes, it seems life moves faster than the mind can encapsulate.  other times, it's easy to remember that it takes a lifetime to live a lifetime.  no faster, no slower.

yesterday was a good day, a learning day in some ways, an accomplishment in some ways, and a strain on my central processing unit on another.  i got up and said my prayers, my back hurting from the futon as always.  i made my way down the stairs to bathroom and do preparations for the family.  i took meds, insulin, had coffee and i'm pretty sure i made my mom breakfast, though i didn't eat breakfast myself.  or maybe i didn't. i can't be sure.  i know i went back to lay down and that didn't happen too well due to the large coffee i'd drank in the morning.  i talked to Rachel first thing in the morning and i talked to Lonnie as i nodded in and out and decided i'd go to the store to get myself some stuff to make a great lunch.  much better idea than just going through the motions of chicken wings and potato chips.  when i got home, my mom was making salad.  my aunt was on her phone playing a game, as she usually is when she's not working.  such a strange dynamic that is.  i put together a sandwich, a banana and some snacks, then on my way to work got some chips.  nice lunching.

i got to work to some chaos.  to alleviate some of the mounting tension and bullshit, many of the residents were moved to opposite tiers.  pretty much all of them were met with complaints and bitching.  i started reading the manual for my job, and will continue to do so.  i disappointed one of my supervisors when i went out to my car for lunch.  i found this out later, and it was a valuable lesson.  i need to start eating in the facility.  it doesn't bother me to eat with the residents.  none of that bothers me.  i was just taking time to get off my feet, but the job calls for me to be on my feet and i have to adjust to that.  i'm getting there.  i finished the night as strong as i could, feet singing in pain.  but the morning brings relief, and who could truly ask for more than that?

i got up this morning, grabbed my phone and had a message from my daughter, to the effect that i probably 'accidentally' threw away some valuable things of hers, jewelry, a controller, etc.  a dark cloud descended upon my morning.  we had an exchange, where Syd showed she is still lacking in either empathy or common sense.  i am, in my heart of hearts, glad she is leaving.  because i have run the gamut of endurance for this child who knows everything and has no ideal how to amend her wrongs toward others.  i am wearied of this, and i need a respite.  i managed to pray despite this, and i've eaten, taken my medicine and my insulin on Wednesday morning, my day off, and i'm going to just try to chill as best as i can.  thank you, Father.  .

threshold, continued

'threshold', from yesterday, is an incomplete log, and i didn't want to try to add on to it.  so this is a continuation, based on the same principle.

yesterday was a better day.  i'm getting more into the swing of work.  i had and have more access, have more range and am getting more confident.  but the ache in my feet, the waking pain in my back, those continue fairly unabated.  strange thing.  when i wake, my back hurt, feet feel okay.  when i'm at work, feet hurt, back feels okay.  thinking i may need a better sleeping arrangement, this futon is ass.

digression, though.

yesterday i woke up feeling full of piss and vinegar.  not really, but i felt pretty good.  i got up, said my prayer after reading my scripture, made my way to the first floor.  i put on coffee for my mother, poured out my own coffee from Sunday into a large cup so i could have iced coffee at some point in the near future, and i got some breakfast.  the house was awake, so i talked to my mom for a bit and i put my ass back into the attic for rest.

at a point, my mom called me and said she was leaving and no one else was home. i decided after she left that i'd come down and shower, so i could do so without human contact.  i know that's a part of the appeal of this job, though i don't mean it to sound as bad as it does.  i love my family, my parents, brothers and sisters.  my aunt.  my child.  but my alone time is now limited to when i sleep.  and not working made it less.  now, at least i have 8 hours away, with other people.  and that helps.  regardless, by the time i actually came downstairs, my aunt and dad had returned.  my dad went to the urgent care again yesterday, his feet were bothering him.  it is an amazing thing, to see a man in the throes of fear of aging once he is old.  we got into it about Syd's decision to go to Arizona with her mother.  it was a stupid conversation and a stupid argument, no other way to put it.  based on an incident from some years ago, in which my dad decided Syd's mom was full of shit.  but, that is not my concern.  my thing is, Syd is 18 and will be until she turns 19.  she has every right to succeed or fuck up on her own steam now.  i am not trying to make decisions for her.  in fact, this is one of the options i presented to her.  and that she is going to go, first with her brother and likely later with her mother makes me happier than her being out in the sticks in redneck country with a bunch of idiots.  but that's me.  and, point of fact, i understood the conversation was a way of my father telling me he doesn't think Syd should go with her mother.  but i don't honestly care what he thinks.  i am grateful to my parents beyond measure for aiding Sydney and myself, for being there to help me raise her, for often providing for her what i have been unable to.  that is sincere and real.  but i am not prepared to sit and engage in conversation where i attempt to make decisions for grown people.  that's not in my program, it's not part of my serenity machinery, and it's not how i live my life.  it hasn't worked for my parents, for my brother, and it won't work for me.  and i know this.  and he should do.  but he doesn't, and oh well.

so.  work was good.  i went to a staff briefing at shift change.  i got my fingerprint login set and my picture taken for my badge.  i actually got to carry and use keys for a part of the shift, which was nice, because then i could do things.  i filed paperwork for the urine tests i did, i did pat-downs, i did top and bottom tier patrols.  i felt okay, feet hurt, but that's about the way it goes now.  i  have to do better for lunch; chicken wings and chips are not how i want to live my life.  i drank a bunch of water.  communicated more with the 'residents'.  i think they're starting a skinhead enclave, which would be really stupid of them but it is not out of the realm of possibility.  and i talked more with my co-workers.  so it was a good enough day, and i am now about to lay back down, try to get more sleep.  i will do nothing until it is time for me to leave.  going to try that route and see if my energy and stamina are higher.

the deer picture is edited for clarity, sharpness and color.  just enhanced, not doctored.  that is my parent's backyard, and at the right angle, a thing can be paradise...or hell...depending on how you choose to see it.  Thank you, Jehovah, for what you place on my plate.

threshold

Monday morning.  one more day of work to go.  hasn't been a bad four days, i don't think it will be a bad two days.  but i do believe i'm going to be a different person today.

yesterday i got up and prayed and i didn't read my meditations.  i went to the kitchen, got some coffee going, turned my mother's pot back on and went to take my meds.  as my mother was still sleep, i took a shower.  it is very hot on the top tier, and anywhere but the lower level to be honest, because an AC compressor is out.  so i knew i was sweated, as i am today.  today, it's going to be a bird bath though.

i made breakfast for my mom and myself, just omelets and toast.  i didn't do much else, shut it down after i had coffee because i wanted to be ready for the evening.  i decided, as i have for today, to bring my lunch to work.  today i'm also going to have to put air in my tire, but that's later.

i told my mom to take out something from the freezer to cook for today, and i went to Walmart and got a chicken wrap.  long lines, insane people.  that should be Walmart's slogan.  went to Arbys and got two little sliders for a tide over and went and got gas and a bag of chips.  i'd had a banana and a pack of cheese and peanut butter crackers, so that was lunch for the day.

i worked with a guy i'd worked with my second day, Sam, and Shayna (spelling as it sounds to me) whom i'd worked with Saturday as well.  i have a theory that things are not what they seem to be, but there is nothing i want to espouse on with it at the moment.  suffice it to say, it wasn't a bad day.  i interacted more, i spoke to more of the residents, i learned more about doing breathalyzers and urine tests.  i am memorizing the names and i am getting stronger, though it is still rough being on my feet that long.  i think, after Tuesday, i'm going to consider the option of doing this part-time.

there was an incident at the end of the night, a young dude who walks around rapping to himself most of the day and an older man got into an argument with edged and threatening tones.  they will both have consequences today, but it showed that there is something...really childish...about grown men who live incarcerated lives.  rather than the idea that this facility has no bars, has windows for sunlight, has the capacity to further one's knowledge, has three very good meals a day apparently, has television rooms, movie rooms, pool tables, wash facilities, allows card playing, outside rec, so many things  that they've been or will be denied in their lives...they choose to act like this is all just a game, and that everyone in the world is there to watch them play.  and when confronted, they throw tantrums, they sulk, they argue.  amazing.

anyway, i'm going to try to encapsulate what i was referring to earlier.  this is a no-smoking facility.  as in, staff and resident, prisoner and guard, are not allowed to smoke on their premises.  it is stupid to me, as i've always felt if a man is going to smoke, the damage he does to himself is his business.  but it's all political.  so, no smoking. but they do.

learning, growing, hurting...

everything is compromise, at some point down the line.  what i did effortlessly at 24 comes with great strain at 49.  atrophy, entropy and disrepair are simply the line that deteriorates, regardless of how long or well you hold it.

yesterday was a good day, but i learned that my limitations are very real things now, to be weighed and considered, and to eventually be put into the equation and respected.

i got up tired from the late night on friday, said my prayer and commenced to get the day moving.  it was too early when i woke, but having to go in at 4 made a big difference.  i came downstairs, took meds and insulin, came up for coffee.  i made my mom and myself a breakfast sandwich and i went outsides to gauge the weather.  i decided i was going to rest a bit more, knowing that it was going to be a long day.

i got back up, got my shower, got myself moving.  can't remember sequentially the events, but i did see to my parents, touched bases with them both, got myself dressed, had lunch cobbled together from the fridge and talked to a couple people along the way.  talked to Rachel for a bit, talked to Patrice early in the morning and i talked to Lonnie.  saw my brother come through for a few.  then i got my ass to work.  still a nice, strange thing to be able to say.

i started immediately coming in the door.  had to take a call, saw who i was working with for the day.  i will say my instructor was good, showed me a lot of things in the course of the day that i needed to see, but i can also say that  he disappeared a lot.  like a corrections ninja.

the two women were cool, but one was young and bored and the other was older and on the verge of being cynical.  the younger and the older were fairly constant on their phones.  we are a compromised society.  but they were cool to me and that's all that matters.  the older was pretty rigid with the residents, but one had her attention for the entire time.  its funny, it never changes.  the dynamics of dysfunction show themselves as soon as you learn 'the rules'.

anyway, long and easy day.  boring, on weekends.  less structure, which means less to monitor but also means they are more inclined toward bending rules to the breaking point.  everyone talks about balancing the inmates doing what they can get away with with getting work out of them.  i'm sure administration doesn't feel the same way, but who am i to engage in a war i don't intend to fight for very long?

i did more pat-downs, badly.  i know where to take the urine tests now, even know how to label them properly.  i know how to check meds to make sure no one is getting something they're not supposed to get.  i won't go in today until 4 on the nose, pretty close, because i am still not able to clock in, and see no point in working for free for 15 minutes.  they'll never pay me for the time i am on the premises, because i don't have a clock in set yet.

Syd got in touch with her mother yesterday.  Syd's little hideaway is falling down and she has to find something else to do.  so she got in touch with her mother, and she's going to be moving to Arizona soon enough.  she's trying to find what she can do in the interim period, and she's reaching out to her brother and sister.  her old daycare person has gotten in touch with her.  things are coming along.  so, she will have a chance at a change and a start, and maybe even a chance to heal some things that need healing.  not my circus; not my monkeys.

i am thankful to Jehovah for where i am at at this moment.  i am sorry that i am not going to the Hall today, or to my meeting.  i have to establish balance and rest, and i have to get through the night stronger than i did last night.  the future is not mine to see, but today is doable.

realities

time to release some things.

first it is a lovely morning.  again, i took a gabapentin last night, so i'm groggy now, but i've showered and shaved, cut my ear pretty good in the process.  i've had coffee, i've made breakfast for my mom and myself, and i'm back out of clothes and resting again.  i've prayed, i've read my daily scripture, though not my meditation books yet.  i'm pretty sure that's going to happen before i get ready for work.  seems i'll need centering for the new shift.

i went to the drive-in last night, as planned.  R and i.  we saw Wonder Woman, and it was a good movie, though i honestly thought it could have had a more involved plot centered around the superhero rather than her human companions.  but it was good.  i wasn't sure we were going to go.  communication has been wonky lately.  i sent a text with the plan but never heard back.  eventually i got a request for an earlier pick-up, a confirmation of sorts.  this is one of the things i'm going to get into.

work was a study in personalities.  and it would be one thing if i was speaking on the personalities of the incarcerated, but i'm speaking of staff.   the guy who trained me was warning me about other people 'stabbing me in the back' eventually, but he himself was always willing to help me, though not really.  i like the guy that i worked with after 4, he was helpful and kind, the boss lady, who seems like a pretty ogress, is actually nice enough, and now i have two days off next week.  the work isn't hard, but patience is going to become an exercise soon enough.

i am actually looking forward to getting to work, which for whatever reason i never felt when it came to Amazon.  that is pretty weird to me.  maybe i just needed out of the house.

so, R and I.  pictured above.  i love her. i am in love with her, for what it's worth.  but i am not on the same page with her, and that is the truth.  we're in some strange space though, and resolution won't be simple.

i watched her change gears based on an innocuous comment.  she is not going to acknowledge that i saw what i saw, but i spoke on it regardless. so, from intimacy to distance in less time than it takes to sneeze.  and this is not an isolated thing.
i try not to be reactionary.  it is something i was taught a long time ago in my recovery life.  "you can be responsive, or you can be reactionary, but you can't be both", is the way it was put to me.  i try to respond, to take time to think, to let my emotions settle before my words engage.  but that doesn't always mean i get serenity from the process.

R had her hands on me through the drive to the movie.  she was playful, forward and engaged.  during the movie, after the comment (which, one can decide for themselves, was to the effect of 'you're awfully cute in the dark', being that we were IN THE DARK and i was telling her she was cute), i found out that things that i've apologized for over a year ago remain in her arsenal, and i don't find that to be a 'just kidding' kind of thing.

some things sound warnings for you.  some things give you all the bells and whistles you need to alter your direction, maintain the security of your ground and not drive over the cliff.  the problem is, the longer it takes to go over the cliff, the less you believe the cliff is actually there.

in this case, again, gut honesty, i know the cliff is there.  but if not R, there is no one.

something for me to consider.

new journey (day one, though not a continuous entry)

these random pictures have nothing to do with what's going on with me at this moment.  i dare say, i feel pretty good.  i didn't expect that i would, but i do.  and i'm not going to look that horse in its gifted mouth either.  it was not a bad day, and while it had its elements of stupidity, it also had more than enough rewards to send me back to CCA for day two tomorrow.

so, i woke up, and i was groggy as fuck.  another sleepless night for the most part.  i don't know exactly what the issue is.  i go upstairs, i lay down, i get on the computer.  its early when i take my ass up the stairs, and it's midnight before i'm even heading toward heading toward sleep.  but it's cost me a week at the gym, and it's mostly, i believe, my own isms, my issues with my parents outside of my control, my stuff, my bullshit.  why was i early upstairs yesterday?  as i said, because i was still salty from the 'chicken parm incident'.  no big deal.  you pay for what you get, you own what you pay for, and sooner or later everything you own comes home to you.  Stephen King quote, my favorite.

but i got up.  said my prayers, read my books, came downstairs and made mom coffee.  took a shower, shaved.  put on my own coffee.  got my ass moving in a good direction.  had an omelet and a piece of toast for breakfast.  made sure mom was okay.  laid back down for a bit.  got dressed after lotioning.  and eventually made my way south to CCA.

so, first the stupidity.  myself and another girl were there to do paperwork.  they didn't say anything to her at all about a start day today.  she had an engagement that she would have changed had she been informed, but now she's starting next week.  second, they told me last week that i'd be working 10am to 6pm.  today, they informed me that i'd be working 4pm to midnight.  okay, not the worst thing. kinda used to that, from the Amazon thing.  but, they also did not heed that i said i could not work Wednesdays.  and i stuck to that one.  you can't give on everything right off the bat.  i also have to call SS to find out about medicare since CCA is offering medical and prescription coverage.  at no cost to me.  and to see how long before they cut my funds.  third thing.  they didn't tell me we got no breaks, we got no lunch break.  we do get a lunch break, when the inmates go to lunch.  or dinner, or breakfast or whatever.  some pre-knowledge of that, a 'pack a lunch, you're gonna need it', would have been a joy.  but no such luck.  so today, aside from that omelet, i ate a pack of cheese peanut butter crackers i  got from my trainer, and it wasn't until a quarter to seven this evening that i actually ate something else.

the work?  not bad, i suppose.  you check to make sure everyone is where they're supposed to be.  you distribute meds, you do pat downs, you search rooms, you confiscate contraband, you do body counts.  you are a monitor in a facility of people who have more dire consequences hanging over their heads.  you do the job, i guess. no one seems extremely put out.  i can do this, i'm pretty sure.  i see no reason why i shouldn't be able to.  the 4 to midnight isn't bad.  i got out of it for tomorrow, and i plan to go to the drive-in with Rachel, if she's available.  i'm tired now, feet a little sore, but it could be a ton worse.  no heavy lifting, no breaking my back.  i can live with that.

so, that's the deal.  10 to 6 tomorrow, 4 to midnight starting saturday.  counseling tomorrow.  another full day.  hopefully, a trip to the outside movies with Rachel. life could be much worse, and i am so grateful to my Father that i can say that with honesty.

still in broken sleep

extra writing.  fresh pic. early, and i'm sleepy as fuck.  got enough time for about an hour of sleep before i need to be in motion.  not going to do me any good, so i'm going to just bypass that.

i was up til almost midnight, again.  i have no idea what exactly is wrong with me.  my world is out of sorts.  but it's progressing.  i am not complaining, just trying to get my head around what is happening inside me.

i think it's the preponderance of change in such a short time.  everything this year has been about taking steps back and losing some ground.  at the same time though, i've been laying better stones in the foundation, which means i'll be able to build a better structure soon enough.  i can't complain about that.
i start work at 1030am today.  it is going on 8am.  i've prayed, read my books, taken a shower and shaved.  i've edited one more picture, i've had my breakfast and made coffee for my mother and myself and had a cup of hi-test.

i am very tired.  there would be, however, no time this would be about to start that i wouldn't be tired, so i have to accept it.  i am thanking God for the job, for my family, for the shelter of my parent's home.  i am grateful for my sobriety and for my serenity, despite the broken sleep.  i'll get back to this later.

still not clicking...

...if you find yourself outside of your rhythm, how do you make your way back inside, especially when you got out of it by doing more right things than just the thing you want to do?

a bit of pretzel reasoning, i know.  but it's where i currently find myself at this time.

today...a lot of thought goes into that word this evening.  i'm in the attic, it's hot as hell, but i don't mind.  i'm playing games, reading about the Warrior's victory on Monday (don't care enough to watch, but reading the opinions and stories is assimilating the culture) and thinking about this job tomorrow.  still not sure if i even want it, but i'm sure i'll be there at 1030am tomorrow.

but that's tomorrow.

today...i didn't get to the gym again.  took another gabapentin, or however its spelled.  the nighttime dosage has helped.  it has removed the overwhelming pain in my knee.  but it's not my prescription, for one.  it's very strong, and its hard on the kidneys, for two.  it is not something i can do a lot of, and i'm done with it for now.  the 'for now' part is not very sane, but i also have a prescription for prednisone, and i'll save it and use it when i need it.

i didn't get to the gym.  i said prayers, took my books downstairs and did my readings outside in the morning air.  as i took my medicine and insulin, i did some photo editing.  we've been getting some pretty good shots.  some things, you just have to take away enough of the filler to get to the heart of the picture.  that's my theory anyway.  if i could show you the entire shot of the picture i posted, you'd see what i mean.  but the cropping, transforming it to black and white and doing some lighting changes makes it into an amazing shot, in my eyes.  so the shot was always amazing, it was just surrounded by stuff it didn't need to be.  and maybe that's what life is right now.  maybe that's what i am right now.  i can't really say for sure.

i was freezing in the basement.  it was cold in the house, everywhere but up here.  i did what editing i could, and then i came upstairs and had coffee.  i'd made my mom coffee as well.  my aunt was in the process of leaving for awhile.  i was going to have breakfast with Marc before the noon meeting, and i talked to my mom before i left.  that took me to the time for me to go, and i got gas and made my way to Boardman.

i called TF on my way south and heard about the drama that is spinning in her life right now.  i kind of miss hanging out with her, but it would have curtailed itself anyway.  besides, and i have to remind myself of this, i didn't push away from her, she drifted away from the meetings, the program and me.  from her mom's sickness and death to whatever she's into now.  it's not uncommon, but it still makes me wonder.  we used to say a 'SLIP' stood for Sobriety Loses Its Priority', but these days, i don't know if sobriety is even job one for the new generation of recovering peoples.

beside the point, i know.

breakfast was cool.  i like touching base with Marc.  my last sponsee.  and i don't really do much active sponsoring of him.  he's set in his ways, he gets to the meetings he gets to.  i would love to tell him to get more active, to date, to do social things.  but for what?  the program is in shambles.  it would be like telling him to go coin hunting in a dumpster.  harsh, i know, but not unaccurate.

the meeting was cool.  Step 7, 'Jumbly asked God to remove our shortcomings'.  scares the hell out of the new breed.  they don't really get how it just entails starting the amends process.  after the meeting, i went to the store, Walmart, and got some things to round out the meat loaf i'd made for the day and coffee for my mother and ice.  i started working on dinner about 2pm today.  i was still bristling a bit from the dinner thing yesterday, think i wrote on it.  but i have to remember, they have their ways, and i am not here to change them, just to help them.  i had lunch and dinner already, and am now lying in my bed.  i didn't get much sleep yesterday, and i plan to dive deeper into it tonight.

i don't know.  i'm not nervous.  i see things differently than many people.  i want to just get through this and learn my job parameters.  i want to get to the drive-in with Rachel on Friday or Saturday.  haven't heard from her today.  but mostly, i just want to stay on the right path.

and i wish i felt the urge to write or sing, to compose, to record, to do something productive and creative.  but it hasn't returned yet.  real life has imposed itself, but my creativity was real life also.  i don't know.  i have to get these bills paid off, and that's only going to happen by working.

i thank you, Jehovah, for providing me with meaningful employment and a chance to carry a message today.

adventures in employment

Wednesday morning.  i'm in the basement of my parent's house, wearing a winter coat, drinking coffee and ice water. i have prayed, i've taken my meds, i have made coffee for my mother and myself.  i am freezing but i have to get back into better work habits, so i am working.  i have a hat on as well.  i've edited a batch of portraits taken by Rachel and myself of each other.  i am working on updating myself, my author persona and profile, what people will see when they approach me.  Rachel is helping considerably, and I am grateful for that.

yesterday was a pretty good day.  i went to bed on a sour note, however, and did not write.  when i got up, i did the things i had to do, as i try to do every day.  i realize that people are creatures of habits, and in some of us, in many of us, those habits are just pre-programmed responses to immediate stimuli, so getting angry about people's reactions is a waste of cosmic energy.  such as, the fact that when i do things like take trash out, put dishes away, cook for my family, those things are done less and less by the people who used to have to do them when i wasn't here.  one hand, i could feel taken for granted. other hand, i have stated i believe God placed me here to help care for them, and no one asked me to cook or take trash out or fetch newspapers.  perspective is a great thing.  so i do the things that i do, not because no one else will, because they have, but because they are there to do and they are part of the matrix which is comprised of my daily activities.  and that's okay.  today i made coffee, i am drinking coffee and the dishes are put away.  dinner is by and large done.

when i finished my morning thing, i left to do things that had to be done.  i sent the heart monitor back.  there was no point in keeping it, and i was not going to use a faulty monitor.  i don't think anyone ever thinks that if you give someone something to strap to their chest and it malfunctions with alarms and beeps and the equivalent of bells and whistles, and it is supposed to monitor the consistency of your heartbeat, it is a terrifying thing and no one will willingly do such a thing to themselves.  i also called my gas provider and was prepared to go to war over them saying that i'd continue in responsibility for the gas since they couldn't enter the property to turn off the meter.  i know when you don't pay your BILL, they don't knock politely to come in and disconnect you, and if they can't get in say,'oh, well, we tried, guess he gets free gas from us'.  but the landlord has rented the property and the new tenants have gas in their name.  got my final bill.  thanking my heavenly Father now.

i'd spoken to Rachel earlier and told her i wanted to stop by and hang out with her for a bit.  when i finished with my errands, i went over and sat.  we talked, and she was hungry so we went to lunch.  we went to a Chinese place she took me to for my birthday. then we went down in Mill Creek to do pictures.  i had given her a business idea that i hope she thinks about.  we hung out for several hours, and then i took her home.  the heat yesterday was nice, but it was oppressive with humidity and made us both drained.

when i got home, i had plans to cook dinner.  i had a bunch of stuff i had to do.  i had the remnants of the chicken breast that Rachel had brought on Sunday, marinating in buttermilk, that needed to be cooked.  i also had ground beef that had thawed on Sunday that had to be cooked.  this is where i need to work on patience and communication on a different plane.  i asked my mother, earlier in the day, would she rather have meat loaf or chicken parm for dinner.  i ask my mother, i ask no one else.  my dad has not one time expressed any interest in anything except running incessantly in the course of the day.  my aunt says she eats turkey, and i didn't have turkey, and she's rarely home.  i didn't care personally; i will always find something to make to my specifications.  my mother said, 'chicken parm'.  so, i made chicken parm, stove top fashion, and i made the meat loaf for another day.  my mother, in my absence from the kitchen for a brief period, tells my dad to choose what he wants, and of course he chooses meat loaf.  Lord...i tell my mother, when she's giving me my dad's 'dinner order', that there is no meat loaf for dinner today.  there is meat loaf, absolutely.  but i'd already informed her that meat loaf was for another day if chicken parmesan was the preferred option.  she said she'd forgotten, but i don't honestly believe her.  mostly because she had no way of knowing exactly what else i was cooking.  she was in the kitchen; i was trying to change a way of doing things by offering to let her make the salad, and she did a great job of it.  but unless she was secretly watching everything i did, the meat loaf was done simultaneous with the chicken, without any fanfare.  so she had no reason to rock the boat.  my dad came in the kitchen, apparently, saw the chicken parm, the sauce over noodles and the salad, and he put his plate in the microwave and a napkin over his salad and had somewhere to go.  it was, for me, insulting.  and so i went upstairs early and only returned downstairs this morning.

i know she doesn't mean anything by it, and it's definitely not the end of the world.  but my mother is, and has been, childish in many ways.  and my father is indulgent in that.  i personally don't want to know why, i just want some functionality in the home.  i don't believe that's too much to ask for, but i might be wrong.  anyway, i've got to change my dealings.  but in the meantime, i have to deal with myself better as well.

CCA contacted me yesterday and asked if i could come in and do some paperwork and said the day i did it i'd be starting.  so i'm employed again, which is cool.  i'm glad to have the opportunity to work, and i plan to make the most of it.  i hope that it doesn't interfere with plans for the drive-in this weekend, but we'll see.  meanwhile, i am going to catch Marc for breakfast today, i have the noon meeting and i have to figure whether to bother with sides for the meat loaf or not.  prayers, meditation, writing.  a good start to the day, and gratitude for Jehovah for the day's beginning.

time travel and wistfulness

its the end of another monday.  i've started going over the past two years of writing.  i find that amazing, i have to be honest.  i haven't been 100 percent consistent, but my blog has been going on since 2015, and it continues.  i can't believe that i've recorded so much of my life.  the 10th step says 'continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it', and that is what i still endeavor to do.  i don't always succeed, but i've got a written account of the entire thing.

i've sacrificed the long writes and the food logs.  many people have lost their anonymity along the way, some gained anonymity as i got further in.  i moved from my apartment, with it's founded and constructed spiritual comfort, to my parent's house, which has no discernible heart.  there have been changes.  yet, when i began, i was wrapping up Mechanical Jesus, i was working on my screenplay, and i was dealing with TOTI (Tim on the inside)  I can say i miss dealing with him, but he's been kind of quiet lately.  i think i've been integrating him with me, or me with him.  however the circumstances may have occurred, i'm not going to make him irritated just to write something from him.

now, this conscious world?  different matter.

i don't eat nearly as much as i used to, but i'm not disciplined as i was going for at the start of this blog.  i am losing weight, slowly, which was my goal.  still doing the same meetings, still praying and mostly reading my meditation books.  still getting to the gym, but still not as often or regular as i'd like.

its the next day.  i'm waking late, almost 8am now.  but i feel pretty good.  my knee is not hurting.  not much.  i can still feel the gout, but it is not debilitating.  just finished my morning prayer.  a crow is calling another crow outside.  it is warm, calling for thunderstorms that i knew were coming.

as i drifted, i kept thinking about how far i've come.  its easy to look at where i am only, not to look at the road that i've traveled to get here, not to look at the constellations and nebula and know my trajectory, though perhaps not the one laid into the console, has been impeccable, perhaps because God knows better than i which way to go.

i am the father of a grown son and daughter, and a partial father of another girl-woman.  i am an author, published in a respected medium, selling some books and learning the process of marketing.  i am a peer support specialist, with a director of operations of a recovery facility in this city attempting to make room for me in their system.  i am caring as best as i am able for my parents.  i have a car, i have money in the bank and a bit in my wallet. i am coming up on 29 years clean and sober of all mood and mind altering substances.  i woke in a bed in my parent's home...but i WOKE.  i will eat food that is partially purchased by me and partially by others... but I WILL EAT.  i have some mailing to do, some driving, some things to tend to.  got to pick up some prednisone.  many not actually need it, as i thought i would, but i'll have it for when i do.  i'm blessed inordinately.  and when i bother to extract my head from my ass, it becomes pretty obvious that is the case.  i'm done for now.  thank you, Jehovah, for everything.  time to make the donuts...or something

Lingering

exhausted by the end of yesterday.  self-care high up on the 'to-do' list for today.  still in bed at six a.m., if that's any indication for those who know my itinerary.

not a bad day by any stretch, not in any way.  i had a bad sleep yesterday, not a much better sleep today.  i got up, said my prayers, got moving to make coffee.  i got myself dressed and got breakfast in me.  read the lesson in the Watchtower and i helped my mom as i could.  we went to the Kingdom Hall and i actually stayed awake through the whole thing.  didn't know if i would.  it wasn't that i was bored, though sitting long spells in religious sessions has never been thrilling for me.  but the bad sleep involved leg cramps and gout/neuropathic pain all through the night, waking me so often i was up cursing more than sleep.  so, it wasn't restful or refreshing by any stretch.

after the Hall, i took my mom home, got my car and went to the CA meeting.  stopped to get chips and pop, as i had not cooked anything for the potluck.  good enough meeting.  tired of people again, i can't lie about that.  after the meeting i went to pick up Rachel and we hung out for the rest of the day.

i've said and meant that i am not going to continue to try to do things at my suggestion, as it has seemed Rachel is not going to put any ideas on the table.  i'm pretty much in favor of that still.  i don't want to put her on front street, but i want a participant, not a passenger.  passengers are not for relationships.  i told her i wanted her to take some pictures of me for Z-Phyles, she offered to do it on Sunday.  she offered to bring food so she could eat with the family, she asked could she do a load of clothes.  she was over until about 8, and it was pleasant.  we talked some, we spent time, my mom and dad enjoy having her over.  we grilled ribs and burgers, i made a chicken broccoli alfredo, and we had a good evening.

by the end of the day, my knees were still hurting, i was still not over this flare up.  i woke once with cramps, in my right foot, toes curled under.  perhaps a potassium issue again, i don't know.  think i'm going to get myself a potassium glutamate supplement.  self-care, proactively.  it can't hurt.

i have an interview today.  i'm waiting to hear back from CCA about a start date or the results of my drug test.  i am not going to get into anything too heavy today...just don't feel it for the most part.  just the business at hand and the stuff i am able to do.  that will have to be enough.  i need a day of rest, to be honest.

i am grateful for everything yesterday was, and I will try to remain grateful for everything today is going to be.  thank you Father.

productivity and pain

its a funny thing.  i am writing again, though i know i need to start reading.  but it's become a better habit than i knew, and i don't feel right making a decision to just not journal.  so i do it anyway.

another funny thing.  i took pictures of me smiling today, only because Rachel said i have gotten the art of taking sinister looking pictures pretty much perfect.  thing is, in this picture, my knees are killing me and my back is moving in for a tag to jump into the ring and kick my ass.  i am kneeling on a lumpy futon that now serves as my bed, scooping books out of an attic alcove to put onto a shelf which has stood empty, while the closet is full of books.  i am in pain, in other words, and i am cleaning, which does not alleviate the pain.  BUT.  i posted a similar picture online on FB, and people are acting as if they are seeing the second coming of Jesus on prime time television.  i do smile, i laugh a lot, i enjoy wry humor, i love good comedy, and usually am not in this dark a mood as i've been lately.  but i don't show it to people all that often, i suppose.  mostly because it doesn't seem to do much good to show people that you are not the troll under the bridge anymore.  guess maybe because there's so many trolls down there now, it's harder to get anyone to believe you're not just one more troll.  whatever the case may be...

so, i got up today and i said my prayer and i read my books.  i didn't go walking as i planned, because i stayed in bed longer than i'd initially planned to.  just tired, i guess.  when i got up, my knees were still hurting.  i'm fairly sure this is arthritis, but i don't have my medical file to verify it.  i went downstairs, taking a load of stuff to wash with me.  i figured, if i didn't walk, i was going to make this an internally productive day.  so, what did i do today?

well, i made my mom coffee, myself a pot on the stove top, heated my aunt's water slow enough that she'd have to turn it up to have tea, and therefore would turn it back down and off when she was done.  i made breakfast for everyone, including my dad, and at this current hour it sits still in the microwave but i don't care.  i rearranged some things in the attic, swept and washed bedding and flipping mattresses (smile, it didn't hurt at all...lie...) and i emptied the last of my clothes from my trunk and took them upstairs and got them separated, useful from giveaway.  i went to the basement to work out some similar things, empties a bag or three that i had stuff in, swept the floor, but i can't do as much down here because there's just too much stuff and it's too diffuse.  i cleared some numbers from my dad's phone, fixed a chair in the attic, helped my mom pick out her outfit for the Hall tomorrow, so i guess she's going to go and i will to.  i talked to Rachel for quite some time today, and i talked to Lonnie as well.  i took out a bunch of trash.  i played two lines on the Powerball, just because 450 million, you should play something if you don't just have 450 million laying around.  i looked for a cd cleaner but didn't find one at dollar general.  guess its almost passe as well.

i'm going to go upstairs shortly, take a shower and shave, and keep it moving toward the attic.  i'm going to try to sleep early tonight, try to get up and walk in the morning and do whatever presents itself on Sunday should i wake to see it.  i am planning to make something for the pot luck, but it may turn out to be a quick buy.  don't know just yet.

i've been meditating on something, something that i think is at the heart of a lot of what goes on here at my parent's house.  i feel it may be why so much dysfunction continues to proliferate, when there should by this point be resignation at the least, and perhaps acceptance and change at the most.

this house has no discernible heart.

not for my family anyway.

i think it never did.  it's not the house of our origin as a family, that's on the east side.  it is a house that used to be a hair salon named Samson and Delilah.  and what i mean to say is this.  every house has a place where family gathers.  where there is a collective imprint of spiritual and psychic energy.  sometimes it's the kitchen, sometimes its the television room.  sometimes it's a parlor or even a sunroom, a porch.  it's often the kitchen in black families, to be honest.

on the east side, the house had several hearts, because we were so fractured.  but the kitchen was the main place.  perhaps the other places were like bladders and kidneys, not hearts, allowing the toxins to be passed from our sick state out into the ethersphrere.  but, this house has no heart for us, for my parents even.  the house is divided into territories. mom's territory is the dining room, which is her bedroom now, and the downstairs bathroom.  dad has the second floor pretty much sewn up, and has most of the basement as well.  he has the attic too.  there's a point to that, i'll get to in a moment.  there is no kitchen table;  there is no room for one.  no counter space either.  the living room is the closest thing to a heart that exists, but it is more of a nexus between worlds.  just a thru-way, a wormhole that goes from hither to yon.

my aunt and i are intruders, for the most part.  she has a bedroom on the 2nd floor, used to be my baby sisters.  me being in the attic, and my computer stuff in the basement, am encroaching greatly upon my dad's space.  but there is nothing that is collectively a place of gathering.  and it shows, in all that we do, in how we conduct ourselves.  we satellite around each other, we are magnetic poles pushing ourselves away from each other until the force weakens with distance.

it is not the best place for someone to gather their spirit.  but that is exactly what i now must do.

i am attempting to instill a heart, at least one of my own.  i am praying for help doing this.  if there is a heart, a discernible heart, then perhaps there can be a healing, a place of change and love and medicine.  i don't know for sure if it can be done, but i know if it can, it is a thing that God will do, because it's far beyond my ability.

I am grateful to Jehovah for the awareness and the work for today.  i'm going to get it together for tomorrow now.

the coming hiatus

this is not forgotten.  this is only on hiatus.  but it is a reality check of no small import.  this is a dream that was born in the fire of life and pain.  and it is a vision that goes far beyond the parameters of what has been, far beyond the dimension of what exists now, into the strange land of what is to be.  i have not forgotten.  but life has imposed itself, and if i cannot deal with life, then i cannot responsibly walk toward this dream.  this is the truth i am living right now.



so, today wasn't bad.  i did hit the gym.  i prayed and read and got dressed and got out the door.  i did weights and i came home.  i put on coffee and i brought clothes into the house from my trunk and i got them separated and hung and the ones i can't wear are ready to go.  i had an omelet and toast for breakfast.  i heated water for my aunt but turned it off as she wasn't downstairs and that was the plan anyway.  i made myself and my mother coffee.  eventually, i took myself out to a couple garage sales.  i went to giant eagle and got fish and stuff for dinner.  i went to lunch with Lonnie, played some pinball, which we haven't done in a very long time.  i cooked dinner for my parents and myself.  i got a call from Syd while i was eating asking if i could come to get her and bring her to visit, so i finished eating and i picked her up.  she's living in some backwoods community that has a fucking 'trump 2016' sign big as shit at the edge of the lawn.  but whatever.  i did not give her these delusions, i will not attempt to remove them from her any longer.  she says she has a ride home.  i'm going to hold her to that.
i have to go back and read this now.  it's time.  it's time to see how far i've come, what my current trajectory is, and what corrections need to be made.  it's time to go into suspension for a brief moment, and reorient.  it's a good thing to do.  i don't know how long it will take.  but i know i will be more knowledgeable for the experience.  things are changing.  i have to make sure of my foundation before i start building again, because the last structure fell through the floor and regardless of the factors, that is my fault, i must own that.

i am blessed.  i am cared for.  i am caring for.  Syd and i haven't spoken much, which means my anger is still alive, and i'm not regretful about that, but i have seen her and that's enough for now.  Thank you, Father, for your love.

run not so fast

sometimes there is a need to stop, to cease activity.  sometimes, a person has to have enough time to inhale as deeply as they can, and hold that breath, and then to let it seep out into the atmosphere, become a part of the blues of the entire planet of one time or another...or to scream it out, to blow it from the depth of their pain, to let heaven itself know that they are in agony...and to do it again, until normal function is restored.

and when it is restored, they run more...but not so fast.  more carefully, more intelligently.

instincts are the luxury of children who know no better and should never have to know more.

today i got up and said prayers and got the day started.  i went directly downstairs, earlier than i'd planned, but for the reason of showering and shaving, both of which i accomplished.  i then put on my mom's coffee.  i didn't put on my aunt's water.  i'm re-evaluating the whole 'trying to do things for everyone regardless of their participation in the family dynamic' thing.  sometimes, it's a beneficial policy, and sometimes, it's just angering bullshit.  regardless... i made no breakfast, i did not try to make anything right.  i turned on my mom's pot, i had a leftover cup of coffee for myself, i took meds and insulin, i got dressed after lotion and deodorant, and i got in gear to go to the 3rd interview at CCA.

it went well enough, two white guys asking questions about what i'd do in this situation or that situation, things that i have no real answers for because i've not done the job yet.  but i did emphasize that point; this is new to me, and any related experience i may think i have likely does not bear the same level of gravity as watching society's criminals on the daily basis.  but i could be wrong.  after the interview, i went to Boardman to get a drug screen.  i went to the store to get stuff for taco salad.  i called Rachel but didn't catch her.  then i came back to the house.  i prepped everything for the salad but didn't do the meat.  my dad and aunt had left.  i spoke to my mother about the negative statements she makes about herself and whether they are really necessary or not.  then i came upstairs and rested for a bit.

i had gotten breakfast at Taco Bell, i made myself a seafood spinach alfredo pizza and some broccoli for lunch.  i finally talked to Rachel, i'd talked to Lonnie earlier.  i got the rest of the taco salad together and fed my mother.  i ate a bit later, and watched television.  i am going to be shutting it down soon, as i'm going to the gym in the morning.

i took off the heart monitor last night.  it kept fucking up, and i knew i wasn't going to get any sleep with the false alerts constantly sounding.  i put it back on today in the late morning, when my interview and things were done.  it is still doing some of the false alarm stuff, but not as insistently.

i thank my heavenly Father for a day of slow motion and convalescing.  i'm done for now.

Irritating...

so i am wearing this heart monitor, but i doubt seriously if i'm going to make it the entire 2 weeks.  this thing is a pain in the entire ass, and it continues to vex me with it's spastic alerts for no reason.  i'm certain i'm going to send it back within the next two or three days, but for now...

i had a decent enough day.  i did get up with prayer and my readings, though i also got up with my right knee swollen from the cold.  i almost talked myself out of going to the gym, but my Father got some sense into my scalp, i'm glad to say.  i got my gear on, got headphones and made it to the gym.  i was on the treadmill today, and i found that my bluetooth headphones were wounded, the plastic sleeve on one side cracked so i couldn't get them fit snugly over my ears.  again, i was on the verge of a 'fuckit', but common sense prevailed.  i got a half hour walk in, got my ass to walmart, picked up breakfast stuff, came back to the house, put on coffee and water for my aunt's tea, i put a load in the washer, i made breakfast, i ate and fed my mom.  i'd made food for my aunt as well, but she's off in some other where, doing some other whats, and i am not trying to feed the unwilling to eat.  hard enough not giving in to my daughter's requests for this and that.  i got a text from Lonnie asking if i could take him to Diamond, Ohio after my meeting, as his son had locked his keys in his car, and i acquiesced.  i went to my meeting, speaking to Rachel on the way.  got gas, got a pepperoni roll and had a decent meeting.  then i got Lonnie, went to Diamond, which is before Rootstown, he unlocked his son's car, we went to lunch and had great burgers at this place. next door for a scoop of ice cream and homeward bound.

since i've been back, i've been seriously sleepy from waking today at about 215 or so in the am, i pulled the rest of the chicken from the bones and made my mother chicken salad for sandwiches.  i did dishes, i folded my clothes, put my dad's clothes in the dryer.  i have my third interview at CCA tomorrow at 9 and i'd like to be rested for it.  i am going to turn over, go to sleep, wake up when i wake up and get myself ready for this thing.

I am grateful to God for the blessings that have found their way here today.  i am blessed with breath, and with the knowledge that the road ahead is already covered.

reflections, not for the first time...

sometimes, you just have to ride through.

you just have to accept that you're belted in, you're however many feet in the air, and there's no getting off until either the ride is done or the destination is reached, depending on whether you've stumbled into a plane or onto a rollercoaster.

but the ride has to finish before you have your feet back on the ground.

so, to wit, last week at this time, i was taking calls for Amazon.  i was getting my rhythm back, as it has been quite some time since i was on the phones doing customer service.  i did, at the beginning of the year, attempt to do some telemarketing, but that's never really been my thing, and i lasted but a day.  i was doing well, had cut my between phone time down to nothing and had dealt well with several customers.  i was happy with my progress, genuinely.  there was a lot that i didn't know, but i knew if i had time, if i was given time, to learn to use all the resources at my disposal, i would be great at it.  that was the thought in my head.

was it pride?  false pride?  was it hubris?  was it arrogance?  i don't know, hindsight is yet quiet on this.  i believe in believing in myself.  i don't believe in bragging on myself.  the vessel does what the vessel was Designed to do, and credit starts with the Designer, then perhaps the style and function of the vessel can be remarked upon.

but it is exceedingly difficult for a person of historical low self-esteem and poor self-image to do anything well if they don't give themselves a bit of hoorah.  and that, i believe, is not a bad thing.

tomorrow will be a week since it fell apart.

last wednesday, i got texts from Syd and from TM, my ex-landlord.  the landlord's texts were saying how things were going to have to be cleaned up far more than they were or Syd would be charged.  Syd's texts were in the nature of alluding to the landlord harassing her when she was 'just trying' to get the apartment cleared out.

i had a moment, on a call. where i actually had to ask a customer to repeat something, as i didn't hear anything they said for the thoughts that raced through my head.

i had calls i did not finish properly, knowingly so.  i did manage to email my instructor/supervisor an apology, a request to please log me out of the system time clock, and i was off and moving, racing to Colonial.  only to find the shambles my apartment had become, the lack of any real progress on moving things out that Syd had been swearing she had been making.  and something in me gave way.  i had thrown my job away for a child who has, historically, lied and bent the truth into whatever form fit her most conveniently for that moment.  i had given up my opportunity to get ahead, messing with Syd's bullshit.

there was anger, yes.  there was despair and anxiety in large amounts, to be sure.  there was depression, welling like polluted water from a Flint, Michigan aquifer.  but there was something else.  something that was making the tears leak down my face, though i couldn't properly cry.  something that made my heart feel as though beating was a foolishness i finally needed to get over.

i can tell you honestly, i know what that feeling, that thought, was now.

it was the thought that 'there is something seriously fucked about about me.  STILL.  after all these years, all this recovery, all these changes, all this counseling, all this work on me, all these prayers and meetings and all this time... there is still something badly broken in my ability to reason.'

why had i put Syd and Joe in that apartment?  Syd wasn't doing any better at the time.  was it just panic over financial changes?  in the Promises of the 12 Step program, as a result of practicing Step 9, it states "...fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us."  that's as a result of making the amends that one needs to make in one's life, that one needs to continue to make as long as one is alive and recovering.  i had fear.  so was it a well disguised 'reaction' to changes beyond my control?  hindsight hasn't revealed that yet.

why had i not gone over to just get things done?  choices like that have two options.  one, either allow the person their consequences, or two, do it yourself and be done with it.  i did neither, and then i ended up doing both.  but doing neither cost me my job, and a hundred and forty dollars to get my life hauled away.  it cost me something of my spirit, my serenity, my balance, my peace and brought me a great sadness.  sad to see the apartment wrecked.  sad to see it empty.  sad to see my things on the curb.  not an attachment to the material; i don't have that even now.  but to see how i have chosen to sacrifice my memories...we moved there and Syd was a little person.  putting things in piece by piece.  everyone contributing to our first setup.  the meals cooked there, the company.  having my family over for holidays.  how much coffee had i brewed?  how many sticks of incense had i burned?  the friends, my brother coming by to eat, so i could make sure he was eating.  and even with all the disagreements and the disarray that Syd lived in constantly, she was my child, she is my child.  we never even got to close the apartment as a family.  we didn't even say good-bye together.

when she left, with her things, for a place i don't know with people i don't know, i finished sweeping, put a few more things in my overstuffed car, and sat out under the mailbox one last time.  i wanted a cigarette.  i wanted to light a cigarette, light a stick of incense, and just watch the sky.  i didn't.  i turned off the lights (all but the hall light), i closed and locked the door.  i'd turned the keys over already, and Syd's keys were in the hall closet.  i went home feeling like a complete fucking failure, all over again.

but i'm not.

fast forward.

why the picture of graduation and the picture of Rachel?  because graduation is my only truly happy memory of Sydney is the least 3 years.  as fucked up as that is, that is the truth.  and as far as Rachel goes, we are in the unenviable position of being held hostage by whatever is going on inside of her.  she knows she is removed from her emotions.  she knows her ob/com reactions are flaring.  she knows, and she is riding her own roller coaster and i can't help her.  we went yard sailing and garage sailing on Saturday, and she had plans to go to the casino later that evening.  i didn't say anything; what's for me to say?  i just took it as a grown person will do whatever they want to do.  i'm tired of standing between a person and their consequences.  and that reality made me start approaching some things differently.

when her ride to the casino fell through, i offered nothing, took her home when she was ready, and have not reached back out since. i say hello, but what else is there?  Syd calls, tries to ask for favors, but i remind her that she threw away food from the freezer, food that she could have been cooking while they worked out cleaning up, but she was busy telling me she didn't have food so i would bring her stuff to eat. she was becoming dependent on the SSI and the child support, and at the moment, xhe has neither.  she made no plans for when the money ran out.  and she moved to hang out rather than thinking of what is in her best interest.  so i told her i'm not bringing her food.  i am paying off stuff.  or paying on stuff that i owe.  i'm trying to take care of things here.  i am not going to run to the other side of Warren to visit my child in her new hangout.  it's not in my contract.  and i've notified her mother and brother, told them to talk to her sister, and i've notified her old daycare people, to reach out to her, to present her with some options.  because once she is given choices, like living with a sibling in Columbus, living in Arizona with her mother, or even just starting with the old caretakers who do love her, if she turns them all down, and her plans, real or imagined' fall through, she is on her own.  she will have to make better decisions eventually.  we all do.

i am wearing a heart monitor.  i had been getting the shortness of breath again, the weariness at odd moments.  they're checking to see how often i go into a-fib.  that's cool, but this thing is irritating.  i don't know how i'm going to get through two weeks of it.

oh, and i've had two interviews with CCA, and i go for my 3rd interview on Thursday.  so there's that also.  i am truly grateful to Jehovah.  i have worth, because the Designer made me worthy.  and i have function, even if they don't hire me for CCA, because i got through the process and was honest the entire time.

i'm sorry Syd didn't have the life she wanted, but few of us really do.  i'm sorry i lost the job at Amazon, but life goes on.

i'm sorry i don't always know the right thing to do.  but i try my best to do the next right thing, and that helps a lot.

tomorrow will come, and if i am alive to see it, i will do what is put in front of me tomorrow.

good night.