so, this has been a good day. hit most of the marks, but missed some important ones. i don't know why i can't just relax. i guess i truly am feeling my mortality now. time is short, and there's a lot to be done.
i got up with prayer and i got the day started but i didn't hit the gym. i may have to surrender the binaural beats meditations, as they send me down a corridor from which i struggle to awaken. i got coffee, took meds and insulin and started working on the day. the high point of planning was i had to get the car sold. i had a few snags that had to be ironed out, such as my dad's name still being on the title, such as Will (the customer's dad and my brother's friend) doing as much planning on the event as i was but not really coordinating with me. so i was mostly planning on the fly. i called my dad and asked if he could roll with me and he said yes. we went to the southside annex and got the physical title. Will and his daughter arrived shortly after and we did the title transfer. few more flips and the car was gone from my driveway and i was sort of sad about that.
i got myself into some shorts and a tee shirt and i went to visit R again. we've been getting along pretty well, it's a different level at this point is all i can really say. i don't know exactly why that is, but i'm trying my best to just roll with it, not overthink it or analyze it until it falls apart. we sat on her front deck and talked and eventually i came back home. i fixed myself some lunch and i read some and puttered some and i eventually started to plan. i would like some time with R this weekend, and i did tell her so, so i'm going to plan as if, without locking the fact of it happening in my head. a nice thing if it does, and life goes on if it doesn't.
anyway, i had dinner and decided it was time to clean. so i worked on my kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. the rooms are done, bedroom needs vacuuming, and the living room is not horrible. i want to have a nice dinner with R, to sit with a table cloth and a candle and have a meal and maybe have a small dance afterward. i shared this with her, and she said it sounds nice. i think, on reflection, it scares her a bit, because it scares me a bit too. but i know that people used to court that way, and i want to try to be a solid man in the life i have left. so we'll try it.
anyway, my thing today is that i can't just relax, no matter how hard i try. i do a lot, more in the course of a day than i actually realize most times, but its all trying to clear space so i can build on what i've been working on. it's just time, and time is short so i try not to waste any of it when it can be helped. i love R. i know i do, it's a deep in my gut feeling. but i'm not so far lost in that that i couldn't walk away if need be. i know that too, and i think that makes the emotion more precious to me. or maybe this is all just conjecture at this point, but any circumstances are going to lead to the same place. so I'm going to just dig it and keep it moving.
gtateful to Jehovah, good night.
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