i know, i know. i missed yesterday again. i was thinking about it as i lay in my bed, and realistically all i have to do is roll over to my chromebook, open this page and start writing, but i passed out. i did cut the grass, and that was taxing, but i am not using that as an excuse.
i have been spending quite a bit more time with Rachel, who now gets named in this journey. i've been going to her house, sitting out front with her while her Rottweiler eyes me suspiciously, and talking and chilling. it's been nice. i did not go today, but we talked earlier in the day, but i did go monday and tuesday. monday i was still feeling pretty shitty, realizing that i am, whether they acknowledge it or not, an afterthought for my children when it comes to birthdays, father''s day or even, at times, just picking up the phone and calling. and while i'm sure every parent goes through some semblance of this in one way or another, i'm not used to it, this is still daily new stuff for me and i'm trying to just remain cognizant of the 'one day at a time' mantra, while not leaving my feelings to be cast out as trash, unimportant. it matters what i feel, and i'll get through this and learn from it but i won't deny it or have it belittled or explained away.
Heather snuck through my phone perimeter again, she's back in the hospital, apparently when i dropped her off there on monday they re-admitted her with an infection from broken teeth still embedded in her gums. i don't regret bringing her here. i don't regret answering my phone. but i won't allow access to my emotions any longer. i think that's the reality of growing up and moving on. you don't have to continue to hate anyone, but you have to love yourself more everytime you are compromised. every time has to make your LOVE FOR YOURSELF stronger, rather than your walls higher or your moats deeper. because strong self-love, not the checkbook/cash register variety but the reserve, down deep to be mined like anything precious, is what will let you remain you despite a world of change and heartbreak. that's my lesson, my belief at this time, my contemplation.
i went to my nutritionist. when i get the money for groceries i'm going to start my new food plan. i am happy with the plan and the people who put it together for me. all business, and no smarmy attitudes.
i finished the new video for the JANICE'S JOURNAL ad, and i like ti much better than the old one, but i knew i would. i'm going to remove the old one from circulation and push the other one.
tomorrow i have to tag a bunch of people and let them know that i need their help. my inherent plan was to churn the water at the back end of this campaign, as i know from the last one i was fired up in the beginning and then burned out far too quickly. but this time, i'm going to see. i also have to look into book printing done reasonably priced in this vicinity, so that i can work on expanding to full production soon. i'm happy to have that thought float into my brain, thankful to Jehovah for continuing to guide my development.
i gave a girl a ride to northside hospital from the meeting today. i did not hit on her. getting better, getting old, they run concurrently. i'll live with that.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8q4Wg36MrG4
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