today is a bad day. was a bad day. been a bad few days. i hope tomorrow is better.
i got up today because my alarm went off. i did not have the momentum to get right to the gym but i did intend to force the issue upon myself. so i got ready, i had a cup of coffee and a glass of water (i did say my prayers when i got up) and i went to the gym. i got a call from my parent's house while i was at the gym, so i called when i got done. it was my dad calling, asking if i could take him to replace the phone he got at my little brother's instruction some days before. i didn't want to, but i told him i would.
have to clarify. part of not getting up and going to the gym was the fact that Heather, the one from two years ago, called me from St. E's, which got under my radar, and asked if she could crash here as she was being discharged from the hospital and had nowhere to go. had i not answered the phone, i would not have regretted not answering and finding out later it was her. but i did answer, and at that point i prayed and i asked God to direct me. and i told her i would pick her up. but i wasn't happy about the decision.
i went to the hospital and of course she wasn't waiting where she said she'd be and of course she was waiting for discharge paperwork to be signed. i told the nurse when she called down that if she wasn't going to be ready soon i was going to leave and they could work it out themselves. so they expedited her paperwork and she was brought down.
i've been in a maelstrom of feelings for the past few days. i have been feeling very alone over a father's day weekend in which both of my children were in Columbus. i felt very disregarded by not even getting a card, getting a HFD from Syd at almost noon, and one from De'Ja at almost midnight. I have felt the sadness of the loss of my uncle, and the heaviness of the fact of so many losses to come, including myself i suppose. i have been straining to keep improving my marketing stuff on the fly, putting out stuff that i know is not above par but having to get something out for people to take notice and nominate my book. it's been...a lot. and then, throw this into the storm. i brought her here. i told her that i'd be taking her somewhere at 6 in the morning, as i had things to do. she kept wanting to lay her head on me, and i went inside myself. it was on the couch, as i didn't want to actually leave her unattended, having lost belongings doing that kind of shit before. i was worn to a frazzle in other words. i did get her out of here by seven, took her down to the post-accident care or whatever it's called at St. E's and then i went to the gym.
i did the machines and then i went to my parent's house. i put a load in the wash and i went with my dad to the phone store. i talked him out of having their home phone ported to a cell phone, as it would have terminated their landline service. i asked about a flip phone and of course they didn't have one. we went to walmart as they had a very simple cell phone listed but he didn't want it as it didn't have a call recall function. so he decided to keep the phone he had.
i went to the store and got sausage and celery and a few other things, for my soup and for lunch. i had two kielbassa in hot dog buns for lunch while i worked on my soup. it turned out very well. Syd and Jo returned and i felt the sadness and the neglect. it is possible that it is just the combination of things that i've been feeling, but i don't think so. i know my sadness over my mortality. i know the stress of trying to hit the next level with the books. but i know one thing for sure: father's day does not sneak though america. it comes with commercials and ads and sales and all types of propaganda. enough time for a hand-drawn card. enough time for a call earlier in the day than noon, definitely enough time for a call sooner than midnight. i guess it is my fault. i was raised without holidays, don't really endorse or believe in them. but by and large now, i feel as if i am being put to one side. and i'm striving to be considerate of others. on my birthday, or before i should say, Syd got me a shirt. called me, asked what size shirt i wore...and brought me a shirt that was too small. called me to ask if i liked it, and i told her it was too small. she said they'd take it back and exchange it. days later, they took it back. there was no exchange, and i got nothing on my birthday. now, father's day, not a card, not a song, not a bad tie. just late and later calls. and i feel like what i need to do is just kill the expectation tree, dig out the roots and salt the ground and let nothing else approximating an expectation grow there. that's what i am thinking. and i'll have to see what God's will is for me there.
i feel sad. i feel like i'm pretty much in this by myself now. that's not an accurate feeling, but it's what i feel and i'm going to ride it out.
i think, after seventeen years, after twenty-six years, i should at least be worth a front brain consideration. i will not continue to be an afterthought, even if that means i can only think of myself from here on out.
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