well, this wasn't a bad day, but it portends toward something on the horizon.
i got up and did good getting to the gym. prayers and coffee and a bit of reflection and i was on my way. got in 40 minutes on the treadmill, and i came home and started my day officially. eggs and rice, and dishes done and worked on a spoken mic track and talked to Rachel briefly while she was walking with her mother in the park. i laid down for a bit, then i went to my parents house to see about my dad's phones.
mom and Michelle were throwing away things from the cupboard and AG's grandson was there being babysat, i imagine. i unhooked my dad's landline and told him to move his cordless to his bedroom. i spoke with my mom briefly and then i came home. talked to Rachel again before she went to sleep and i went to lunch with Lonnie. i got home, worked on the poem a bit more, and i laid down for a while again. Syd and Jo came and cut part of the grass, and Marc came so we could make flyers and tickets for the Sunday meeting. i worked in Excel for a bit, which thrills me more than i can say, and i had pizza and a salad for dinner. i'm about to lay it down. tomorrow is going to be a pretty busy day, because i have counseling, it's the first so i have to pay my rent, get supplies and take care of some bills, and SL asked if i would ride with her while she tried to find financing for a car. i'm fairly sure she blew money on some kind of dope thing, but i'll pray and ride and see if she can find something she's looking for, while trying to look out for my best interests.
my knee is hurting today. it's been throbbing all day. it's not swelling so far, and it's not causing any other difficulties. my feet aren't bothering me, and i don't know exactly what's caused it, but i'm afraid it may be from the dancing on Tuesday. but i'm keeping an eye on it, and i'm going to have it checked out if it gets any worse. for now, a good day, and i'm grateful for it, and i'm going to bed.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
short long day
this was an odd sort of day. i got up and said my prayers but i didn't get moving right away. i was wondering why my alarm didn't go off this morning until i remembered it's set for every weekday BUT monday. which was sort of embarrassing. so i had breakfast, an omelet and biscuits, and i posted all the vids from the excerpt series and made my final request. i don't think i'm going to make it, but i did my best. i feel positive that the future is bright because i now know so much more than i did before i went into this, and i can't disparage that knowledge. perhaps that was the reason to do this at this time, so Jehovah could show me the true wealth of what he's placed in my hands. i know i don't intend to slack on this blessing.
i got ready and went to my meeting. a guy spoke, and i tried to stay open-minded, but i didn't really like the guy and i knew a lot of what he was saying was managing his truths. but i didn't say anything and he did speak and the meeting went well. i then had lunch with Rachel and we went to an aquarium store and looked at fish. i then came home and laid down for a bit.
Syd's boyfriend Jo came by and put down some really odd violin for me, and i dug it heavily, so i worked on it this evening and made a truly disturbing track that's going to need an awesome spoken word accompaniment. and i think i'm going to do a spoken word CD, since i have the means now. gonna think on it after i finish this one i'm working on.
i guess what i liked was that Jo laid down the track with no input from me except what i told him days ago i wanted. he didn't balk and he didn't second guess. it was just something that i could use, like Rachel's vocal, like the temple bells from the first Old Lazarus video. it's Vibologism. and it's my favorite way to create. so i'm going to have some fun with it, and that makes me feel better about people only reaching so far toward me at crucial times, because God's always got me.
had a chicken and pork stir fry for dinner. had a sandwich and a cookie not long ago and i'm turning in early to hit the gym in the a.m. thank you Father for a wonderful day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb60zKX2JKc
i got ready and went to my meeting. a guy spoke, and i tried to stay open-minded, but i didn't really like the guy and i knew a lot of what he was saying was managing his truths. but i didn't say anything and he did speak and the meeting went well. i then had lunch with Rachel and we went to an aquarium store and looked at fish. i then came home and laid down for a bit.
Syd's boyfriend Jo came by and put down some really odd violin for me, and i dug it heavily, so i worked on it this evening and made a truly disturbing track that's going to need an awesome spoken word accompaniment. and i think i'm going to do a spoken word CD, since i have the means now. gonna think on it after i finish this one i'm working on.
i guess what i liked was that Jo laid down the track with no input from me except what i told him days ago i wanted. he didn't balk and he didn't second guess. it was just something that i could use, like Rachel's vocal, like the temple bells from the first Old Lazarus video. it's Vibologism. and it's my favorite way to create. so i'm going to have some fun with it, and that makes me feel better about people only reaching so far toward me at crucial times, because God's always got me.
had a chicken and pork stir fry for dinner. had a sandwich and a cookie not long ago and i'm turning in early to hit the gym in the a.m. thank you Father for a wonderful day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb60zKX2JKc
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
good easy day
this has been a productive day, and i feel so blessed.
i woke and prayed. no forgetting this morning. i decided to not do the gym today. i can't say why exactly, only that it was the decision i made. i brewed my coffee, made breakfast of a pancake,sausage and eggs,and i got to work. i'd decided to film what i needed for my last excerpt today, so i got my work bag and my camera, and i shot some driving film and stopped at Pressed on campus and shot some stills. i came home, gave Syd the bagel i bought for the shoot, got pics and vids uploaded and got to work. i also took a bath and groomed for the evening.
i broke to try to nap and i talked to Lonnie and Rachel. i finally got my stuff together, got dressed, worked a bit more on the video and went to pick up Rachel. we went to a small gathering for the OCCHA organization, networked, got cards, asked for nominations, took pictures, danced to some Spanish music and ate,and had a pretty good time. i took Rachel home, we talked for a bit, and i came home. i finished the last excerpt from Old Lazrus,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb60zKX2JKc
and am just about ready to shut it down.
i have no complaints. this was a simple day, and i am not going to complicate it. i thank God for the easy days, because there are more than enough hard ones. i'm out.
i woke and prayed. no forgetting this morning. i decided to not do the gym today. i can't say why exactly, only that it was the decision i made. i brewed my coffee, made breakfast of a pancake,sausage and eggs,and i got to work. i'd decided to film what i needed for my last excerpt today, so i got my work bag and my camera, and i shot some driving film and stopped at Pressed on campus and shot some stills. i came home, gave Syd the bagel i bought for the shoot, got pics and vids uploaded and got to work. i also took a bath and groomed for the evening.
i broke to try to nap and i talked to Lonnie and Rachel. i finally got my stuff together, got dressed, worked a bit more on the video and went to pick up Rachel. we went to a small gathering for the OCCHA organization, networked, got cards, asked for nominations, took pictures, danced to some Spanish music and ate,and had a pretty good time. i took Rachel home, we talked for a bit, and i came home. i finished the last excerpt from Old Lazrus,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb60zKX2JKc
and am just about ready to shut it down.
i have no complaints. this was a simple day, and i am not going to complicate it. i thank God for the easy days, because there are more than enough hard ones. i'm out.
good easy day
this has been a productive day, and i feel so blessed.
i woke and prayed. no forgetting this morning. i decided to not do the gym today. i can't say why exactly, only that it was the decision i made. i brewed my coffee, made breakfast of a pancake,sausage and eggs,and i got to work. i'd decided to film what i needed for my last excerpt today, so i got my work bag and my camera, and i shot some driving film and stopped at Pressed on campus and shot some stills. i came home, gave Syd the bagel i bought for the shoot, got pics and vids uploaded and got to work. i also took a bath and groomed for the evening.
i broke to try to nap and i talked to Lonnie and Rachel. i finally got my stuff together, got dressed, worked a bit more on the video and went to pick up Rachel. we went to a small gathering for the OCCHA organization, networked, got cards, asked for nominations, took pictures, danced to some Spanish music and ate,and had a pretty good time. i took Rachel home, we talked for a bit, and i came home. i finished the last excerpt from Old Lazrus,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb60zKX2JKc
and am just about ready to shut it down.
i have no complaints. this was a simple day, and i am not going to complicate it. i thank God for the easy days, because there are more than enough hard ones. i'm out.
i woke and prayed. no forgetting this morning. i decided to not do the gym today. i can't say why exactly, only that it was the decision i made. i brewed my coffee, made breakfast of a pancake,sausage and eggs,and i got to work. i'd decided to film what i needed for my last excerpt today, so i got my work bag and my camera, and i shot some driving film and stopped at Pressed on campus and shot some stills. i came home, gave Syd the bagel i bought for the shoot, got pics and vids uploaded and got to work. i also took a bath and groomed for the evening.
i broke to try to nap and i talked to Lonnie and Rachel. i finally got my stuff together, got dressed, worked a bit more on the video and went to pick up Rachel. we went to a small gathering for the OCCHA organization, networked, got cards, asked for nominations, took pictures, danced to some Spanish music and ate,and had a pretty good time. i took Rachel home, we talked for a bit, and i came home. i finished the last excerpt from Old Lazrus,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb60zKX2JKc
and am just about ready to shut it down.
i have no complaints. this was a simple day, and i am not going to complicate it. i thank God for the easy days, because there are more than enough hard ones. i'm out.
Monday, June 27, 2016
back to the compass
it's about twenty to eleven as i begin this, in the a.m. going to be hot again today. i hope i don't have too much come up outside to get done. have the air running while i took care of some things and its nice and cool in here.
i got up and didn't pray today. that was different, and i'm appreciative of the fact that not praying is odd for me again. i did a few things that needed to be done, uploaded Rachel's reading onto Youtube and fb and sent out another kite for nominations, i designed a flyer to be sent out as a paid advert later and i stripped my bed so i can remake it as the fitted sheet keeps popping off. i went to the gym, decided weights today and treadmill tomorrow, and i realized sitting on a weight machine that i'd forgotten to pray this morning. so i stopped my workout, bowed my head and prayed. and life resumed, in the orbit it should be in.
thing that i realize is, the path of prayer and no prayer looks the same from the outside...for awhile, it looks the same on the inside too. but for a person of prayer, the longer without praying, the stranger the road gets. until, eventually, you don't know where you are at all anymore. that's why i know enough now to just stop and give Jehovah what belongs to him.
i left the gym, came home and took insulin and meds and made an omelet and sausage and a piece of toast for breakfast. the omelet was onion, spinach, mushroom and tomatoes with blue cheese and cheddar. i ran dishwater, had coffee and water and went to my parent's house.
i hooked up the new Sprint box and changed a tangle of wires behind my mother's chair into a less-tangled group of wires in a power strip. i got the sequencing of the phones right, to where the downstairs phones are all working. i told my mother one of the batteries needs changing in a phone, and since my dad left as i was coming in to an appointment, i didn't have a chance to tell him that he has to check the upstairs phones. but that's not a problem. he'll know one way or the other.
that's all i have right now, i'm going to write more later.
it's just after 7pm now. it's been every bit as hot as it seemed it would be. i did the nothing that i intended to do. i slept a bit and i ate some food and i watched some television. i wrote a piece to a picture i doctored of a friend. i tried to call the Oakland for their open house itinerary but got no answer. i washed dishes, got the coffee pot ready for tomorrow and i'm now on my bed. Rachel called and i didn't answer. i called back and she didn't answer. it's too hot for this shit.
i'm thinking the phone must be working at my parent's house, or i would have gotten a call. of course, if the phones weren't working at my parent's house, i wouldn't have gotten a call either. life is odd sometimes.
thank you, Jehovah, for a peaceful day.
i got up and didn't pray today. that was different, and i'm appreciative of the fact that not praying is odd for me again. i did a few things that needed to be done, uploaded Rachel's reading onto Youtube and fb and sent out another kite for nominations, i designed a flyer to be sent out as a paid advert later and i stripped my bed so i can remake it as the fitted sheet keeps popping off. i went to the gym, decided weights today and treadmill tomorrow, and i realized sitting on a weight machine that i'd forgotten to pray this morning. so i stopped my workout, bowed my head and prayed. and life resumed, in the orbit it should be in.
thing that i realize is, the path of prayer and no prayer looks the same from the outside...for awhile, it looks the same on the inside too. but for a person of prayer, the longer without praying, the stranger the road gets. until, eventually, you don't know where you are at all anymore. that's why i know enough now to just stop and give Jehovah what belongs to him.
i left the gym, came home and took insulin and meds and made an omelet and sausage and a piece of toast for breakfast. the omelet was onion, spinach, mushroom and tomatoes with blue cheese and cheddar. i ran dishwater, had coffee and water and went to my parent's house.
i hooked up the new Sprint box and changed a tangle of wires behind my mother's chair into a less-tangled group of wires in a power strip. i got the sequencing of the phones right, to where the downstairs phones are all working. i told my mother one of the batteries needs changing in a phone, and since my dad left as i was coming in to an appointment, i didn't have a chance to tell him that he has to check the upstairs phones. but that's not a problem. he'll know one way or the other.
that's all i have right now, i'm going to write more later.
it's just after 7pm now. it's been every bit as hot as it seemed it would be. i did the nothing that i intended to do. i slept a bit and i ate some food and i watched some television. i wrote a piece to a picture i doctored of a friend. i tried to call the Oakland for their open house itinerary but got no answer. i washed dishes, got the coffee pot ready for tomorrow and i'm now on my bed. Rachel called and i didn't answer. i called back and she didn't answer. it's too hot for this shit.
i'm thinking the phone must be working at my parent's house, or i would have gotten a call. of course, if the phones weren't working at my parent's house, i wouldn't have gotten a call either. life is odd sometimes.
thank you, Jehovah, for a peaceful day.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
simmer
found this to be a very slow moving day. i don't have a lot to add today, about to put it down, so i can hit the gym in the morning.
i got up and prayed this morning, feeling pretty good. it had been a strange conclusion to yesterday, with Rachel coming by but us being a bit subdued when she left. stopping by Lonnie's was also a bit off the beaten path for me, and that makes me sad, as it used to be a pretty commonplace thing. regardless, i got up with prayer, got pretty much right to work.
fixed the excerpt that Rachel did, and got a video made for it, and i extracted the audio that Lynn emailed to me and did the adjustments and additions to the vocals. put some traffic and some crowd noise muted behind her and left it at that, simple and discernible. i had breakfast, a sausage and egg on toast sandwich, and i got ready for my meeting once i got done with my work.
the meeting was smallish but it was productive. we got a chapter done, good discussion though not from many people, and we had a home group meeting, a decision to have a cookout at our meeting in august. i went to see my parents after the meeting and then came home. stopped and got a sandwich & chicken nuggets from McD's and prepped my stuff for dinner.
no tv today, not much music. talked to Rachel in the am but she was cutting grass and mad about it. texted and called her in the pm but no answer. she called back as i was grilling chicken and the last of my fiesta steaks (cube steak things with peppers and onions in the pre-made patties). a pan fried potato with onions and a salad rounded out my dinner. i washed dishes, already had coffee prepped for the morning and now i'm in bed fucking around on the computer. i know the people who are helping me are doing quite a bit, and i can't quite bring myself to just tag a bunch of folks again. i have to keep the faith, doors are opening and if this is not the door to go through, the right door will be made manifest to me soon enough. i'm just thankful for the blessing. it is hot, i am simmering, and thank you Father, i'm shutting it down now.
i got up and prayed this morning, feeling pretty good. it had been a strange conclusion to yesterday, with Rachel coming by but us being a bit subdued when she left. stopping by Lonnie's was also a bit off the beaten path for me, and that makes me sad, as it used to be a pretty commonplace thing. regardless, i got up with prayer, got pretty much right to work.
fixed the excerpt that Rachel did, and got a video made for it, and i extracted the audio that Lynn emailed to me and did the adjustments and additions to the vocals. put some traffic and some crowd noise muted behind her and left it at that, simple and discernible. i had breakfast, a sausage and egg on toast sandwich, and i got ready for my meeting once i got done with my work.
the meeting was smallish but it was productive. we got a chapter done, good discussion though not from many people, and we had a home group meeting, a decision to have a cookout at our meeting in august. i went to see my parents after the meeting and then came home. stopped and got a sandwich & chicken nuggets from McD's and prepped my stuff for dinner.
no tv today, not much music. talked to Rachel in the am but she was cutting grass and mad about it. texted and called her in the pm but no answer. she called back as i was grilling chicken and the last of my fiesta steaks (cube steak things with peppers and onions in the pre-made patties). a pan fried potato with onions and a salad rounded out my dinner. i washed dishes, already had coffee prepped for the morning and now i'm in bed fucking around on the computer. i know the people who are helping me are doing quite a bit, and i can't quite bring myself to just tag a bunch of folks again. i have to keep the faith, doors are opening and if this is not the door to go through, the right door will be made manifest to me soon enough. i'm just thankful for the blessing. it is hot, i am simmering, and thank you Father, i'm shutting it down now.
irritability, aloneness and caution
this has been a strange sort of day. i have to start at the night before and move through, because this is kind of linked together for me now.
i got a text from Rachel yesterday evening, before dark, asking if i could take her to St. E's. i asked no questions, just said i was on my way. figured whatever i needed to find out, if i was picking her up, it wasn't a dire emergency, and if she wanted me to know what was going on she'd tell me. so, i was getting ready and she called and said her friend wanted her to sit with her while she waited to be admitted to the mental health floor, and i told no problem. so i went and got Rachel and started for the northside when she got a text and asked me if i could take her to get the girls bag. we went to the girl's house, got her bag which was stashed on the front seat, and were on our way again, when another text came and Rachel asked where Crandall park is, because that's where her friend was.
at the park, the friend was drinking, smoking weed, on a manic/depressive jag, talking disjointedly, obviously depressed but not really speaking with any willingness for change. i got out to help if i could, but she was just talking and going to the hospital. she wouldn't let Rachel take the keys to drive her and was all over the road. fortunately (blessing) we got there safely and quickly.
inside the ER she got seen rather quickly and then after an hour or so Rachel went to check on her and i went home as i was exhausted.
when i got up this morning, i said my prayers and got coffee started. actually, that's not true. when i got up this morning, it was to a call from my dad. he'd called about an hour earlier, but as i was exhausted coming in the house, i dropped my phone, reassembled it and it didn't turn it back on, just stuck it on a charger and went to sleep. so i got the call to plunge my mother's toilet which i did. then i came back home and had breakfast, an omelet and sausage, and i went back to sleep to be awakened by my mother to thank me for unclogging the toilet. then i got another call from my dad asking if i could 'google' my aunt for information about how to watch her commencement ceremony for her college graduation in chicago. feeling irritable now, i said no, i can't google her, and i went back to sleep. then my mother called, asking why the mcafee kept popping up and what to do about it so they could watch the commencement. so i went back over, got the site pulled up, waited until it was time and then put it on for them while i went to mill creek park to get away. i wanted to write, but it was blazing hot, so i just sat in the sun and got some vitamin D. been a long time since i was just in the park. i left and came home, talked to Rachel on my way home, i got in, jumped into the tub and laid it down for a bit. finally Rachel called and asked if i wanted her to come over to work om some stuff. i went and picked her up, and we did some recording and i made us some dinner and then i took her home. Syd came by with a t-shirt for me and my brother came, troubled by our mother for some reason. i stopped at Lonnie's house before i left the Campbell-Struthers area, sat and talked with him for a while and then came home, where i worked on Rachel's track, got it finished and mixed, sent her a copy via facebook and am now in bed.
hadn't been in mill creek for a long while, hadn't been to Lonnie's hosue in a long while. but i'm tired of being in this apartment right now. i have things to get done and things to work on, but i am sick of the sight of these walls. but i have to be careful. i ahve to separate my aloneness from any genuine loneliness i might be feeling. because there's too much self-pity going around these days, and i really don't want to get caught up in it. okay, thank you Father, for a beautiful day.
i got a text from Rachel yesterday evening, before dark, asking if i could take her to St. E's. i asked no questions, just said i was on my way. figured whatever i needed to find out, if i was picking her up, it wasn't a dire emergency, and if she wanted me to know what was going on she'd tell me. so, i was getting ready and she called and said her friend wanted her to sit with her while she waited to be admitted to the mental health floor, and i told no problem. so i went and got Rachel and started for the northside when she got a text and asked me if i could take her to get the girls bag. we went to the girl's house, got her bag which was stashed on the front seat, and were on our way again, when another text came and Rachel asked where Crandall park is, because that's where her friend was.
at the park, the friend was drinking, smoking weed, on a manic/depressive jag, talking disjointedly, obviously depressed but not really speaking with any willingness for change. i got out to help if i could, but she was just talking and going to the hospital. she wouldn't let Rachel take the keys to drive her and was all over the road. fortunately (blessing) we got there safely and quickly.
inside the ER she got seen rather quickly and then after an hour or so Rachel went to check on her and i went home as i was exhausted.
when i got up this morning, i said my prayers and got coffee started. actually, that's not true. when i got up this morning, it was to a call from my dad. he'd called about an hour earlier, but as i was exhausted coming in the house, i dropped my phone, reassembled it and it didn't turn it back on, just stuck it on a charger and went to sleep. so i got the call to plunge my mother's toilet which i did. then i came back home and had breakfast, an omelet and sausage, and i went back to sleep to be awakened by my mother to thank me for unclogging the toilet. then i got another call from my dad asking if i could 'google' my aunt for information about how to watch her commencement ceremony for her college graduation in chicago. feeling irritable now, i said no, i can't google her, and i went back to sleep. then my mother called, asking why the mcafee kept popping up and what to do about it so they could watch the commencement. so i went back over, got the site pulled up, waited until it was time and then put it on for them while i went to mill creek park to get away. i wanted to write, but it was blazing hot, so i just sat in the sun and got some vitamin D. been a long time since i was just in the park. i left and came home, talked to Rachel on my way home, i got in, jumped into the tub and laid it down for a bit. finally Rachel called and asked if i wanted her to come over to work om some stuff. i went and picked her up, and we did some recording and i made us some dinner and then i took her home. Syd came by with a t-shirt for me and my brother came, troubled by our mother for some reason. i stopped at Lonnie's house before i left the Campbell-Struthers area, sat and talked with him for a while and then came home, where i worked on Rachel's track, got it finished and mixed, sent her a copy via facebook and am now in bed.
hadn't been in mill creek for a long while, hadn't been to Lonnie's hosue in a long while. but i'm tired of being in this apartment right now. i have things to get done and things to work on, but i am sick of the sight of these walls. but i have to be careful. i ahve to separate my aloneness from any genuine loneliness i might be feeling. because there's too much self-pity going around these days, and i really don't want to get caught up in it. okay, thank you Father, for a beautiful day.
Saturday, June 25, 2016
heroes
http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/bernie-worrell-parliament-funkadelic-keyboardist-dead-at-72-20160624
i keep missing days, which is frustrating. i'm not doing it deliberately, but i'm kind of still processing some blues, some grief and some anger, and it's distracting to say the least. the good thing is, i'm human. but the bad thing is, you miss enough days of your orbit, you may find yourself not knowing where the fuck you are. i'm not there yet, by God's grace, so i'm going to do better.
today is a sad day. one of my very foremost heroes, Mr. George Bernard Worrell, or Bernie, as the world knew him, passed on today. he was the original keyboardist for the group Funkadelic. he was a genius, a prodigy as a child, classically trained and tuned in to the world for his creative influences. i loved his music. i met him for the first time in Columbus. he was playing with his bad, the Woo Warriors, and it was at a little club in the Short North district. they tore it up, like nobody's business, and i got to talk to him and his wife, Judy, after the show. Bernie blessed my daughter, Sydney, in her mother's stomach, actually laid hands on and gave his blessing. in the top five greatest moments of my life so far. his pieces, Tales of Kidd Funkadelic and Atmosphere, reek of his classical training and his eclectic sensibilities in marrying the profound and the profane in most beautiful ways. he lived longer than his spiritual sibling, the very great Eddie Hazel, the heir to the Hendrixian throne who passed in 92 of liver failure. but there is a hole in the spirit of the earth now, a hole big enough that it actually encompasses the one left by Prince, though perhaps only equal to the one left by Bowie. he was that amazing. he was one of my heroes, and i have damn few, and i don't think any of them are still alive now. what do you do when all your heroes are dead? my sponsor, though heroic, is not my hero. my father is a hero, but he is someone i have to watch over, have since i got sober and aware because of those who would 'borrow' from his reputation for their own selfish and greedy purposes.
i prayed and got up and went to the gym. i walked a mile on the treadmill. i came home and worked on some things on the computer, or i fucked around on facebook. can't remember which right now. i went to breakfast with Marc, i went to my parent's house, i washed a load of clothes, i took my dad around to Radio Shack to see about new home phone service and i came back home. i cleaned my house. i made my dinner. i paid my phone bill. i went to take Rachel to see about a friend of hers who is trying to get some help with some heavy issues. i am just back in this house not an hour ago. i'm exhausted, and i feel my mind is full of data that needs to be processed. i'm tired of being sad now. thank you, Father, for allowing me to be where i needed to be and do what i needed to do. i also got to counseling today, but i was nodding through it so i wasn't a very good client. good night.
i keep missing days, which is frustrating. i'm not doing it deliberately, but i'm kind of still processing some blues, some grief and some anger, and it's distracting to say the least. the good thing is, i'm human. but the bad thing is, you miss enough days of your orbit, you may find yourself not knowing where the fuck you are. i'm not there yet, by God's grace, so i'm going to do better.
today is a sad day. one of my very foremost heroes, Mr. George Bernard Worrell, or Bernie, as the world knew him, passed on today. he was the original keyboardist for the group Funkadelic. he was a genius, a prodigy as a child, classically trained and tuned in to the world for his creative influences. i loved his music. i met him for the first time in Columbus. he was playing with his bad, the Woo Warriors, and it was at a little club in the Short North district. they tore it up, like nobody's business, and i got to talk to him and his wife, Judy, after the show. Bernie blessed my daughter, Sydney, in her mother's stomach, actually laid hands on and gave his blessing. in the top five greatest moments of my life so far. his pieces, Tales of Kidd Funkadelic and Atmosphere, reek of his classical training and his eclectic sensibilities in marrying the profound and the profane in most beautiful ways. he lived longer than his spiritual sibling, the very great Eddie Hazel, the heir to the Hendrixian throne who passed in 92 of liver failure. but there is a hole in the spirit of the earth now, a hole big enough that it actually encompasses the one left by Prince, though perhaps only equal to the one left by Bowie. he was that amazing. he was one of my heroes, and i have damn few, and i don't think any of them are still alive now. what do you do when all your heroes are dead? my sponsor, though heroic, is not my hero. my father is a hero, but he is someone i have to watch over, have since i got sober and aware because of those who would 'borrow' from his reputation for their own selfish and greedy purposes.
i prayed and got up and went to the gym. i walked a mile on the treadmill. i came home and worked on some things on the computer, or i fucked around on facebook. can't remember which right now. i went to breakfast with Marc, i went to my parent's house, i washed a load of clothes, i took my dad around to Radio Shack to see about new home phone service and i came back home. i cleaned my house. i made my dinner. i paid my phone bill. i went to take Rachel to see about a friend of hers who is trying to get some help with some heavy issues. i am just back in this house not an hour ago. i'm exhausted, and i feel my mind is full of data that needs to be processed. i'm tired of being sad now. thank you, Father, for allowing me to be where i needed to be and do what i needed to do. i also got to counseling today, but i was nodding through it so i wasn't a very good client. good night.
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
contemplative
i know, i know. i missed yesterday again. i was thinking about it as i lay in my bed, and realistically all i have to do is roll over to my chromebook, open this page and start writing, but i passed out. i did cut the grass, and that was taxing, but i am not using that as an excuse.
i have been spending quite a bit more time with Rachel, who now gets named in this journey. i've been going to her house, sitting out front with her while her Rottweiler eyes me suspiciously, and talking and chilling. it's been nice. i did not go today, but we talked earlier in the day, but i did go monday and tuesday. monday i was still feeling pretty shitty, realizing that i am, whether they acknowledge it or not, an afterthought for my children when it comes to birthdays, father''s day or even, at times, just picking up the phone and calling. and while i'm sure every parent goes through some semblance of this in one way or another, i'm not used to it, this is still daily new stuff for me and i'm trying to just remain cognizant of the 'one day at a time' mantra, while not leaving my feelings to be cast out as trash, unimportant. it matters what i feel, and i'll get through this and learn from it but i won't deny it or have it belittled or explained away.
Heather snuck through my phone perimeter again, she's back in the hospital, apparently when i dropped her off there on monday they re-admitted her with an infection from broken teeth still embedded in her gums. i don't regret bringing her here. i don't regret answering my phone. but i won't allow access to my emotions any longer. i think that's the reality of growing up and moving on. you don't have to continue to hate anyone, but you have to love yourself more everytime you are compromised. every time has to make your LOVE FOR YOURSELF stronger, rather than your walls higher or your moats deeper. because strong self-love, not the checkbook/cash register variety but the reserve, down deep to be mined like anything precious, is what will let you remain you despite a world of change and heartbreak. that's my lesson, my belief at this time, my contemplation.
i went to my nutritionist. when i get the money for groceries i'm going to start my new food plan. i am happy with the plan and the people who put it together for me. all business, and no smarmy attitudes.
i finished the new video for the JANICE'S JOURNAL ad, and i like ti much better than the old one, but i knew i would. i'm going to remove the old one from circulation and push the other one.
tomorrow i have to tag a bunch of people and let them know that i need their help. my inherent plan was to churn the water at the back end of this campaign, as i know from the last one i was fired up in the beginning and then burned out far too quickly. but this time, i'm going to see. i also have to look into book printing done reasonably priced in this vicinity, so that i can work on expanding to full production soon. i'm happy to have that thought float into my brain, thankful to Jehovah for continuing to guide my development.
i gave a girl a ride to northside hospital from the meeting today. i did not hit on her. getting better, getting old, they run concurrently. i'll live with that.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8q4Wg36MrG4
Monday, June 20, 2016
after thought
today is a bad day. was a bad day. been a bad few days. i hope tomorrow is better.
i got up today because my alarm went off. i did not have the momentum to get right to the gym but i did intend to force the issue upon myself. so i got ready, i had a cup of coffee and a glass of water (i did say my prayers when i got up) and i went to the gym. i got a call from my parent's house while i was at the gym, so i called when i got done. it was my dad calling, asking if i could take him to replace the phone he got at my little brother's instruction some days before. i didn't want to, but i told him i would.
have to clarify. part of not getting up and going to the gym was the fact that Heather, the one from two years ago, called me from St. E's, which got under my radar, and asked if she could crash here as she was being discharged from the hospital and had nowhere to go. had i not answered the phone, i would not have regretted not answering and finding out later it was her. but i did answer, and at that point i prayed and i asked God to direct me. and i told her i would pick her up. but i wasn't happy about the decision.
i went to the hospital and of course she wasn't waiting where she said she'd be and of course she was waiting for discharge paperwork to be signed. i told the nurse when she called down that if she wasn't going to be ready soon i was going to leave and they could work it out themselves. so they expedited her paperwork and she was brought down.
i've been in a maelstrom of feelings for the past few days. i have been feeling very alone over a father's day weekend in which both of my children were in Columbus. i felt very disregarded by not even getting a card, getting a HFD from Syd at almost noon, and one from De'Ja at almost midnight. I have felt the sadness of the loss of my uncle, and the heaviness of the fact of so many losses to come, including myself i suppose. i have been straining to keep improving my marketing stuff on the fly, putting out stuff that i know is not above par but having to get something out for people to take notice and nominate my book. it's been...a lot. and then, throw this into the storm. i brought her here. i told her that i'd be taking her somewhere at 6 in the morning, as i had things to do. she kept wanting to lay her head on me, and i went inside myself. it was on the couch, as i didn't want to actually leave her unattended, having lost belongings doing that kind of shit before. i was worn to a frazzle in other words. i did get her out of here by seven, took her down to the post-accident care or whatever it's called at St. E's and then i went to the gym.
i did the machines and then i went to my parent's house. i put a load in the wash and i went with my dad to the phone store. i talked him out of having their home phone ported to a cell phone, as it would have terminated their landline service. i asked about a flip phone and of course they didn't have one. we went to walmart as they had a very simple cell phone listed but he didn't want it as it didn't have a call recall function. so he decided to keep the phone he had.
i went to the store and got sausage and celery and a few other things, for my soup and for lunch. i had two kielbassa in hot dog buns for lunch while i worked on my soup. it turned out very well. Syd and Jo returned and i felt the sadness and the neglect. it is possible that it is just the combination of things that i've been feeling, but i don't think so. i know my sadness over my mortality. i know the stress of trying to hit the next level with the books. but i know one thing for sure: father's day does not sneak though america. it comes with commercials and ads and sales and all types of propaganda. enough time for a hand-drawn card. enough time for a call earlier in the day than noon, definitely enough time for a call sooner than midnight. i guess it is my fault. i was raised without holidays, don't really endorse or believe in them. but by and large now, i feel as if i am being put to one side. and i'm striving to be considerate of others. on my birthday, or before i should say, Syd got me a shirt. called me, asked what size shirt i wore...and brought me a shirt that was too small. called me to ask if i liked it, and i told her it was too small. she said they'd take it back and exchange it. days later, they took it back. there was no exchange, and i got nothing on my birthday. now, father's day, not a card, not a song, not a bad tie. just late and later calls. and i feel like what i need to do is just kill the expectation tree, dig out the roots and salt the ground and let nothing else approximating an expectation grow there. that's what i am thinking. and i'll have to see what God's will is for me there.
i feel sad. i feel like i'm pretty much in this by myself now. that's not an accurate feeling, but it's what i feel and i'm going to ride it out.
i think, after seventeen years, after twenty-six years, i should at least be worth a front brain consideration. i will not continue to be an afterthought, even if that means i can only think of myself from here on out.
i got up today because my alarm went off. i did not have the momentum to get right to the gym but i did intend to force the issue upon myself. so i got ready, i had a cup of coffee and a glass of water (i did say my prayers when i got up) and i went to the gym. i got a call from my parent's house while i was at the gym, so i called when i got done. it was my dad calling, asking if i could take him to replace the phone he got at my little brother's instruction some days before. i didn't want to, but i told him i would.
have to clarify. part of not getting up and going to the gym was the fact that Heather, the one from two years ago, called me from St. E's, which got under my radar, and asked if she could crash here as she was being discharged from the hospital and had nowhere to go. had i not answered the phone, i would not have regretted not answering and finding out later it was her. but i did answer, and at that point i prayed and i asked God to direct me. and i told her i would pick her up. but i wasn't happy about the decision.
i went to the hospital and of course she wasn't waiting where she said she'd be and of course she was waiting for discharge paperwork to be signed. i told the nurse when she called down that if she wasn't going to be ready soon i was going to leave and they could work it out themselves. so they expedited her paperwork and she was brought down.
i've been in a maelstrom of feelings for the past few days. i have been feeling very alone over a father's day weekend in which both of my children were in Columbus. i felt very disregarded by not even getting a card, getting a HFD from Syd at almost noon, and one from De'Ja at almost midnight. I have felt the sadness of the loss of my uncle, and the heaviness of the fact of so many losses to come, including myself i suppose. i have been straining to keep improving my marketing stuff on the fly, putting out stuff that i know is not above par but having to get something out for people to take notice and nominate my book. it's been...a lot. and then, throw this into the storm. i brought her here. i told her that i'd be taking her somewhere at 6 in the morning, as i had things to do. she kept wanting to lay her head on me, and i went inside myself. it was on the couch, as i didn't want to actually leave her unattended, having lost belongings doing that kind of shit before. i was worn to a frazzle in other words. i did get her out of here by seven, took her down to the post-accident care or whatever it's called at St. E's and then i went to the gym.
i did the machines and then i went to my parent's house. i put a load in the wash and i went with my dad to the phone store. i talked him out of having their home phone ported to a cell phone, as it would have terminated their landline service. i asked about a flip phone and of course they didn't have one. we went to walmart as they had a very simple cell phone listed but he didn't want it as it didn't have a call recall function. so he decided to keep the phone he had.
i went to the store and got sausage and celery and a few other things, for my soup and for lunch. i had two kielbassa in hot dog buns for lunch while i worked on my soup. it turned out very well. Syd and Jo returned and i felt the sadness and the neglect. it is possible that it is just the combination of things that i've been feeling, but i don't think so. i know my sadness over my mortality. i know the stress of trying to hit the next level with the books. but i know one thing for sure: father's day does not sneak though america. it comes with commercials and ads and sales and all types of propaganda. enough time for a hand-drawn card. enough time for a call earlier in the day than noon, definitely enough time for a call sooner than midnight. i guess it is my fault. i was raised without holidays, don't really endorse or believe in them. but by and large now, i feel as if i am being put to one side. and i'm striving to be considerate of others. on my birthday, or before i should say, Syd got me a shirt. called me, asked what size shirt i wore...and brought me a shirt that was too small. called me to ask if i liked it, and i told her it was too small. she said they'd take it back and exchange it. days later, they took it back. there was no exchange, and i got nothing on my birthday. now, father's day, not a card, not a song, not a bad tie. just late and later calls. and i feel like what i need to do is just kill the expectation tree, dig out the roots and salt the ground and let nothing else approximating an expectation grow there. that's what i am thinking. and i'll have to see what God's will is for me there.
i feel sad. i feel like i'm pretty much in this by myself now. that's not an accurate feeling, but it's what i feel and i'm going to ride it out.
i think, after seventeen years, after twenty-six years, i should at least be worth a front brain consideration. i will not continue to be an afterthought, even if that means i can only think of myself from here on out.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
strange changes
i missed yesterday, i didn't mean to. think the returning of my brother to cleveland to catch his plane just threw me off, or that's the excuse i'm going with. but any way it goes, i'm going to get back to the daily.
this is sunday, and it's father's day. i'm not a holiday type, but for some reason, being mostly ignored by my children today makes me really sad. or at least bitter and angry.
i prayed, got up, had a frittata for breakfast, and biscuits that i baked too long. i went back to bed and read and slept and read and slept. my brother called me and i told him happy father's day and that i wasn't getting our father a card, that i was feeling sort of out of it, which he then proceeded to tell my mother. i don't know why he does that but i'm not going to speak on it. he has his reasons, and he's the eldest, so we'll see where it goes.
i went to my meeting. Matt didn't show up. we talked earlier in the week. he said he'd been using and i suggested he needed to step down as secretary. i don't know if that has something to do with him not showing. i almost left before they got started. i'm not taking on that position again. i won't do it. i'm going to let them work this one out.
i went to walmart and got stuff for dinner. salmon patties i made, with a dill parmesan sauce. i made sauteed asparagus with mushrooms and a baked potato. bought myself some chocolate cake. my father's day to me. got a text from Syd about 11 this morning, nothing from Deja. occurred to me, my children are in Columbus, with their mother, on Father's day. but i don't celebrate, but i feel neglected. getting old, is all.
i'm going to the gym tomorrow. i'm going to lay back and chill. i'm going to see what there is to see in the course of the day. i hope Rachel calls. she's had a hectic two days, by her last text. life will go on. thank you, Jehovah, for showing me the foolishness of my reasoning.
this is sunday, and it's father's day. i'm not a holiday type, but for some reason, being mostly ignored by my children today makes me really sad. or at least bitter and angry.
i prayed, got up, had a frittata for breakfast, and biscuits that i baked too long. i went back to bed and read and slept and read and slept. my brother called me and i told him happy father's day and that i wasn't getting our father a card, that i was feeling sort of out of it, which he then proceeded to tell my mother. i don't know why he does that but i'm not going to speak on it. he has his reasons, and he's the eldest, so we'll see where it goes.
i went to my meeting. Matt didn't show up. we talked earlier in the week. he said he'd been using and i suggested he needed to step down as secretary. i don't know if that has something to do with him not showing. i almost left before they got started. i'm not taking on that position again. i won't do it. i'm going to let them work this one out.
i went to walmart and got stuff for dinner. salmon patties i made, with a dill parmesan sauce. i made sauteed asparagus with mushrooms and a baked potato. bought myself some chocolate cake. my father's day to me. got a text from Syd about 11 this morning, nothing from Deja. occurred to me, my children are in Columbus, with their mother, on Father's day. but i don't celebrate, but i feel neglected. getting old, is all.
i'm going to the gym tomorrow. i'm going to lay back and chill. i'm going to see what there is to see in the course of the day. i hope Rachel calls. she's had a hectic two days, by her last text. life will go on. thank you, Jehovah, for showing me the foolishness of my reasoning.
Friday, June 17, 2016
reflective day
it's been a long day. i forgot to get back on this yesterday, and need to update and do a complete write on today. i have an early start for tomorrow so i really need to be more on point.
yesterday, Rachel and i hung out together for most of the day. she cleaned my bathroom so i could give her an estimate of what i would be willing to pay for her cleaning services. we ate and we talked and we did things and it was fun and i took her to pick up her daughter from work and i dropped them off. i got gas and i went and grabbed some Arby's for dinner and i ate some chips and half a turkey sandwich afterward. my legs were cramping from the things we did and it took me awhile to get to sleep but finally i did.
today i got up and i said my prayers. i didn't go to the gym. my brother called me for a jump as he'd left his lights on in his car. i went to give him a jump, came home and took insulin and meds and had two pancakes and three eggs for breakfast. i read some and worked on getting my audio uploaded onto facebook, which was nigh unto impossible. so i got it on tumblr and i got a page set up on my publishing page and i linked those into facebook. the voting is coming slow, but i anticipated that as well. i need a massive amount of votes later, rather than have a great effort in the beginning and then nothing at the end.
anyway, i went to counseling, which was nice. talked about a lot of world condition stuff, the lost art of thinking. it makes me sad sometimes, realizing that things aren't going to get any better. but i'm getting better, so at least one thing is getting better. and if one thing can, more things can. that's just logical, though not practical.
i went to visit TF after counseling. she's not doing any better. she looks haunted, she looks like she's sick. i wonder if she's using heroin again, but she'll have to volunteer that information to me. i'm not going to pull any teeth or twist any arms. i will help those who want help.
i came home, got the last of the green beans on for Lonnie's daughter's graduation party, and my brother texted me to tell me he and my mother were headed home. i was about to fix lunch, but i went for cheap eats from the taco bell instead, as it was quicker and i had to get too many things done. got arrangements set to take my baby brother to the airport tomorrow, got myself home, finished green beans, laid down for a non-sleeping nap, and went to the graduation party.
i sat outside with the dj. i realize as time goes on i know fewer of my friend's people. that doesn't bother me, but i hate trying to manufacture interest in strangers. so i sat with the dj, whom i knew, and we caught up on old times. i thought about something that might be beneficial to my publishing company, but more on that once i check on it a bit deeper.
i'm home now, obviously. i am about to lay it down, set an alarm for three-thirty in the fucking morning. my brother Jerry won't be riding, i won't put him through something that will cause him discomfort. i have to remember to take a travel mug of coffee. i'm hoping for Rachel's company tomorrow. i am hoping that i get there and back safely. i thank Jehovah for a day that has been full and fulfilling creatively. good night.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
yesterday, today...who knows?
i forgot to do this yesterday, and the irony is at my 12 noon Wednesday meeting i spoke about how much doing this daily has benefited me. however, i did acknowledge that at times I forget, and when i do, as i am now, i try to cover the missed period.
i do believe i'll be able, in September, to see a journey of progress, learning, emotion, spiritual growth and some obstinance. in other words, my human intermingling with my wolf. and what could be better than that?
so anyway, yesterday i got up and said my prayers and tried to be lazy but before i knew it i was in my gym clothes. i figured, no point being in shorts and a tee shirt without going to the gym, so i had a cup of coffee and went to the gym. did about twenty minutes of weights and fifteen minutes on the treadmill and then went home. i took meds, ate breakfast, talked to R for a minute or two and got on with my day.
my day consisted of my dad coming by so i could try to explain the process of nominating the book of old lazarus so he could network me into his GM people. that lead to a bit of a disagreement over one individual whom he has recently recruited into his 'legion of used, dysfunctional individuals' who forsake actually working on themselves in order to seem more important on the surface. i have told him repeatedly i want nothing to do with this person. it also involved a woman who couldn't follow simple instructions on how to reach the page for my book nomination, taking a picture of my dad to send to this woman and seeing how much my dad is slipping emotionally after my uncle's death. i would love to suggest counseling to my father, as people who care for people rarely seek the care they themselves need. but we'll see.
after that, i took a bath, went to my meeting to find the secretary wasn't there. i got help setting up, there were lots of new people there, and the meeting went well. i went to lunch with Lonnie afterwards and came home. first i went to the store, having decided on fish for dinner. got what i needed, came home, started cleaning my bedroom. clothes came that i ordered online and somehow that made me feel i needed to clean my room. i took the rest of the day to clean and cook, and both turned out pretty good.
i slept well, woke today with prayer and again tried to lay back. i found myself in my gym clothes again and wondered if toti wasn't getting stronger and if that was a good thing (it is). so i had a cup of coffee and i leisurely made my way to the gym. i did a little over a mile on the treadmill. i gave out several of the fliers to acquaintances at the gym. i am home now, having taken insulin and meds, about to work on breakfast. i have uploaded the 'old lazarus' video and forwarded it to facebook, tumblr and google plus. i am going to start recording some passages and editing them with music to create audio samples for people to listen to, to know what they've voting on. i have to talk to my dad again, get clear about what i need from him. but it looks like a good day, though i suspect rain. i'm going to get back to this later.
i do believe i'll be able, in September, to see a journey of progress, learning, emotion, spiritual growth and some obstinance. in other words, my human intermingling with my wolf. and what could be better than that?
so anyway, yesterday i got up and said my prayers and tried to be lazy but before i knew it i was in my gym clothes. i figured, no point being in shorts and a tee shirt without going to the gym, so i had a cup of coffee and went to the gym. did about twenty minutes of weights and fifteen minutes on the treadmill and then went home. i took meds, ate breakfast, talked to R for a minute or two and got on with my day.
my day consisted of my dad coming by so i could try to explain the process of nominating the book of old lazarus so he could network me into his GM people. that lead to a bit of a disagreement over one individual whom he has recently recruited into his 'legion of used, dysfunctional individuals' who forsake actually working on themselves in order to seem more important on the surface. i have told him repeatedly i want nothing to do with this person. it also involved a woman who couldn't follow simple instructions on how to reach the page for my book nomination, taking a picture of my dad to send to this woman and seeing how much my dad is slipping emotionally after my uncle's death. i would love to suggest counseling to my father, as people who care for people rarely seek the care they themselves need. but we'll see.
after that, i took a bath, went to my meeting to find the secretary wasn't there. i got help setting up, there were lots of new people there, and the meeting went well. i went to lunch with Lonnie afterwards and came home. first i went to the store, having decided on fish for dinner. got what i needed, came home, started cleaning my bedroom. clothes came that i ordered online and somehow that made me feel i needed to clean my room. i took the rest of the day to clean and cook, and both turned out pretty good.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Mourning
this is not as heavy as the title implies, but it is heavy in its own way.
i had breakfast with my brothers today. Jerry, Rob and Ryan. Rick didn't come to town. of course, neither did Loretta, so I'm not on any trip about that. I cooked, and we ate, and we talked. we assessed Rob, incognito of course, and he spoke about his depression, and how he tried to kill himself this year. he seemed disjointed, but he was at least here and that was a good thing. we took a few pics together, and i got a Tarantino-esque picture of the three of them. then Rob took Ryan back to the parent's house, left for PA, and i cleaned up after them and talked to Syd. i went to my mom's house this afternoon and washed and dried a load of clothes. i visited with her for a couple of hours, though she was sleepy from meds. i left before my dad returned home, but i have to go see him tomorrow to see if he can help me get some of those General Motors nominations again.
i had a piece of strawberry bundt cake, and i also had a sweet roll. but i had baked wings and broccoli and cauliflower for dinner, so i feel good on carbs. but the gym is vexing me and i need to marshal more discipline for getting my ass in gear.
i am drifting though. memory is a vast ocean, and time makes it seem smaller, but it's not. its just the focus grows narrower and vision dims. i can see my grandmother's house clearly now. i couldn't see it for years, but i can see it now and it is such a sad memory. i can see my uncle encouraging me to read, my aunt devoid of the insanity that set in sometime while i was out of town, and my uncles and aunts and mother getting along in relative peace. i can see these things, and they're a juxtaposition atop the modern world of dysfunction and addiction and mental disorder and resentments and bitterness.
once, before my uncle Tommy got too far into the Parkinsons, i spoke to him about the fractures of the family. i told him that i wanted to try to make things better but i didn't know how they'd gotten so bad. he told me, a memory from that vast ocean, "You know how to fix things. You already know". but i didn't know. at least, i didn't know consciously. now i believe that only a few more deaths will make the small remainder wake the fuck up and decide to quit being assholes to each other. but by then, it will be too late for anything except token apologies.
my uncle George, one uncle up from Tommy, is now in St. Elizabeth in Boardman. apparently, he had a heart attack. perhaps more than one. he didn't make it to the memorial or funeral for his brother. the baby brother, Keith, was apparently put off by the fact that George didn't respond to Keith's calls for rides. and the fucking band plays on...
Still, I thank Jehovah God for time aboveground, and for the peace that waits below.
Monday, June 13, 2016
Together Breakfast
so, this was a sad day. but it was a good day, and the tears were the truth, and the revelations were just a sunrise on an ever-approaching horizon. i'll live through it.
i got up with prayer, moving slowly. i didn't get to the gym. i had eggs and bacon for breakfast, and i had my insulin and medicine. i ate pretty good until this evening, in fact. i laid around and then went to my uncle Tommy's funeral at the church. mostly i sat talking with my brother Rob, and i went in eventually to sit in a pew and be a part of. easier for me than it is for Rob. i saw a lot of family that i've not seen in a while, both locally and abroad. it made me happy to see my uncle Howard. he was one who was exiled from most of the bullshit going on up here, but he's had some health problems and i think he feels the same as i do. the nonsense has cost him time with a brother who died, and i guess maybe he doesn't want it to cost him any more. i'm speculating here. it was nice, but i didn't stay for the whole thing. i tried to talk to an aunt, but she was still in the same bullshit zone so i just went home. i hung here, went to the store to get a few things, and i watched some television, made dinner and got prep stuff done for tomorrow.
i talked to my brothers who are here, Jerry of course, and Rob and Ryan, the younger brothers, and we're planning on having breakfast together. Rob is leaving tomorrow, and it seems that we see each other during bad times, and it would be nice to just break bread before more chaos ensues. Rob says it doesn't have to be bad time sightings, and he's right of course, but that doesn't mean that it will be good time gatherings. to wit, the eldest brother, Rick, isn't here, and if he was, i doubt if i would have issued an invitation for breakfast to any of my brothers. baby with the bathwater kind of thing. but, i'm changing. i know i am. and perhaps one day soon, as Peter Gabriel says in 'washing of the water', i'll take those hooks out of me and i'll take out the hooks that i've sunk deep in his side'. anything is possible.
my uncle is not hurting anymore. there is another hole in my family. and we're having breakfast tomorrow, my brothers and i. thank you, Father, for your love.
i got up with prayer, moving slowly. i didn't get to the gym. i had eggs and bacon for breakfast, and i had my insulin and medicine. i ate pretty good until this evening, in fact. i laid around and then went to my uncle Tommy's funeral at the church. mostly i sat talking with my brother Rob, and i went in eventually to sit in a pew and be a part of. easier for me than it is for Rob. i saw a lot of family that i've not seen in a while, both locally and abroad. it made me happy to see my uncle Howard. he was one who was exiled from most of the bullshit going on up here, but he's had some health problems and i think he feels the same as i do. the nonsense has cost him time with a brother who died, and i guess maybe he doesn't want it to cost him any more. i'm speculating here. it was nice, but i didn't stay for the whole thing. i tried to talk to an aunt, but she was still in the same bullshit zone so i just went home. i hung here, went to the store to get a few things, and i watched some television, made dinner and got prep stuff done for tomorrow.
i talked to my brothers who are here, Jerry of course, and Rob and Ryan, the younger brothers, and we're planning on having breakfast together. Rob is leaving tomorrow, and it seems that we see each other during bad times, and it would be nice to just break bread before more chaos ensues. Rob says it doesn't have to be bad time sightings, and he's right of course, but that doesn't mean that it will be good time gatherings. to wit, the eldest brother, Rick, isn't here, and if he was, i doubt if i would have issued an invitation for breakfast to any of my brothers. baby with the bathwater kind of thing. but, i'm changing. i know i am. and perhaps one day soon, as Peter Gabriel says in 'washing of the water', i'll take those hooks out of me and i'll take out the hooks that i've sunk deep in his side'. anything is possible.
my uncle is not hurting anymore. there is another hole in my family. and we're having breakfast tomorrow, my brothers and i. thank you, Father, for your love.
Sunday, June 12, 2016
Home
i made it safely back this afternoon. the ride in was a bit more stressful than the ride there, but that's okay. life goes on, doesn't it?
i got up early as usual, but i didn't walk today. said my prayers and got some coffee. took insulin and meds and waited for De'ja to get up. we talked for a few, then i loaded up my car and went east to Keith and Ronda's. he was on a bus to a church in Detroit. i went there anyway, Ronda made me breakfast and we talked. i tried to tell her that she has to let go of the bad feelings she's been carrying, but mostly i just thanked her because she was very, very important to Syd's early life, and if it hadn't been for her i'm sure Syd would not have done even as well as she has. i told her she's welcome to come here, and she won't, but i had to let her know how important she is. just making sure no words go unsaid.
an acquaintance from high school apparently died yesterday. saw it on Facebook. her name is Davene Smith. she wasn't a friend. she was an arrogant broad in high school and she was sort of a bitch as a grown woman. she cost me a doctor, as she was the receptionist in his office and she didn't do a very good job of it. pseudo-nepotism. anyway, she was only a couple years older than me, and she graduated the year before me, and she's dead now. i don't know how. i know she was developing her own catering business, i know that she was starting to get some local attention for that. dreams don't keep you alive. dreams have to be harvested as quickly as anything else, because life is not promised. i'm sorry she died, and i hope i learn what happened to her.
i went to my uncles service today at Washington's funeral home. it was sad and annoying. getting old is beginning to wear on me. i have practically no patience left. but i held my uncle's hand and said good bye. i hugged my aunt and my two cousins. i spoke with my relatives and some people from the Kingdom hall and some people i knew from elsewhere. saw an aunt i'd not seen in a long, long time. and i came home. i was tired, i haven't slept thoroughly in days and i have a lot of work to do tomorrow. but i made it home. i saw friends i wanted to see. i saw my son, looked into his eyes and am comfortable he is doing okay, if not well. i saw Patrice, whom i've not seen in some years. i was fed and housed. and i made some book sales. i can't complain and i won't. i'm going to try to hit the gym in the morning. that would be good. thank you, Jehovah, for watching over my family.
i got up early as usual, but i didn't walk today. said my prayers and got some coffee. took insulin and meds and waited for De'ja to get up. we talked for a few, then i loaded up my car and went east to Keith and Ronda's. he was on a bus to a church in Detroit. i went there anyway, Ronda made me breakfast and we talked. i tried to tell her that she has to let go of the bad feelings she's been carrying, but mostly i just thanked her because she was very, very important to Syd's early life, and if it hadn't been for her i'm sure Syd would not have done even as well as she has. i told her she's welcome to come here, and she won't, but i had to let her know how important she is. just making sure no words go unsaid.
an acquaintance from high school apparently died yesterday. saw it on Facebook. her name is Davene Smith. she wasn't a friend. she was an arrogant broad in high school and she was sort of a bitch as a grown woman. she cost me a doctor, as she was the receptionist in his office and she didn't do a very good job of it. pseudo-nepotism. anyway, she was only a couple years older than me, and she graduated the year before me, and she's dead now. i don't know how. i know she was developing her own catering business, i know that she was starting to get some local attention for that. dreams don't keep you alive. dreams have to be harvested as quickly as anything else, because life is not promised. i'm sorry she died, and i hope i learn what happened to her.
i went to my uncles service today at Washington's funeral home. it was sad and annoying. getting old is beginning to wear on me. i have practically no patience left. but i held my uncle's hand and said good bye. i hugged my aunt and my two cousins. i spoke with my relatives and some people from the Kingdom hall and some people i knew from elsewhere. saw an aunt i'd not seen in a long, long time. and i came home. i was tired, i haven't slept thoroughly in days and i have a lot of work to do tomorrow. but i made it home. i saw friends i wanted to see. i saw my son, looked into his eyes and am comfortable he is doing okay, if not well. i saw Patrice, whom i've not seen in some years. i was fed and housed. and i made some book sales. i can't complain and i won't. i'm going to try to hit the gym in the morning. that would be good. thank you, Jehovah, for watching over my family.
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Cap City, day 1
I'm here in Columbus now. I didn't write yesterday, as I was trying to get on the road. It's been a good day and I was really tired. But I got a decent night's sleep comma and I'm about to start a new day. Yesterday I started with prayer and took my medicine and insulin. I finish my bag and loaded my car. I went to counseling and got on the road right after that. The trip was easy, no cops and little Construction. Took me 2 hours to get here. But everything's changed. Went to pick up my books. My old neighborhood where I started having memories of my own family is gone. Everything torn down, replaced buy new townhouses. I found my publisher which is actually working out of a print shop. I got my books and went to lunch with Keith. Got straight on some things concerning Sydney. I went to see Vera and hung out at the flower shop for a while. I realized I can still get around the city but I don't remember as much. I wwnt east after seeing Vera, and hung out with Patrice. We went to dinner and I crashed at her house. I woke up about 4:30 and I made my way to my son's apartment where I am now. Nostalgia is bullshit. Today I have to see a friend at a coffee shop about my campaign and I don't know what I'm doing after that. I'm going to leave Sunday so I hope I get some time with my son. I'll get back to this later. I'm going for a walk now.
I walked today, then came back to De'Ja's for breakfast. After i ate i showered and went to Vera's. We just hung out in the AC. The day was hot as hell. I sold her another book and got paid. I went to Keith's and sold another one. Opportunities present themselves. Talked to Rachel, not much today. Hitting the road about 11 in the morning. Too sleepy to keep texting this entry. Thank you Father.
I walked today, then came back to De'Ja's for breakfast. After i ate i showered and went to Vera's. We just hung out in the AC. The day was hot as hell. I sold her another book and got paid. I went to Keith's and sold another one. Opportunities present themselves. Talked to Rachel, not much today. Hitting the road about 11 in the morning. Too sleepy to keep texting this entry. Thank you Father.
Thursday, June 9, 2016
leaving tomorrow
i've been a bit off track lately. i need to rectify that.
i got up today and, after prayer, got to the gym. i worked weights and the treadmill, not extensively but i got it in. i came home, had an omelet and grits and took meds and insulin. pretty sure the ham in my omelet was bad, never mind why i think so.
i went to my aunt's house, saw my cousin TJ, which is his nickname. his mom was asleep, exhausted i'm sure. i talked with him for a bit, then some folks came in and i left. i went to my mother's house and saw her and my dad, and i washed a load of clothes. i went to get my mom and i lunch and i took her food to her and came home and ate.
the girl in the apartment behind mine asked if she could cut the grass, as they're cooking out this weekend. i got gas for the mower and let her cut the grass. i gave her a flyer and asked her to speak to her contacts and ask them to vote for me.
i got my bag mostly packed, i had the other half of yesterday's chicken sandwich and a small bowl of potato soup for dinner. i went by Rachel's (R) and got a present she had for me: a wolf picture with a saying on it that i haven't read yet. and a bag of Emerill's dark roast coffee. it is very nice to be thought of.
i brought Syd some food home and again reiterated the need for her to be a participant in the needs of the house, a giver and not just a taker. i only have to pack my briefcase, put my chrome book and my info packets into it and after i see VF tomorrow i'm on the road to Columbus. i'll pick up the books i ordered, see what there is to see and get my ass gone. that's the bottom line.
i miss my uncle, and i'm a hypocrite, even now. i don't like that part of myself very much. i need to say that, because i see it in me and my mother and my family, but if i see it in me, it keeps me from playing God. thank you, Father, for keeping me mindful of the fact that I am not YOU.
i got up today and, after prayer, got to the gym. i worked weights and the treadmill, not extensively but i got it in. i came home, had an omelet and grits and took meds and insulin. pretty sure the ham in my omelet was bad, never mind why i think so.
i went to my aunt's house, saw my cousin TJ, which is his nickname. his mom was asleep, exhausted i'm sure. i talked with him for a bit, then some folks came in and i left. i went to my mother's house and saw her and my dad, and i washed a load of clothes. i went to get my mom and i lunch and i took her food to her and came home and ate.
the girl in the apartment behind mine asked if she could cut the grass, as they're cooking out this weekend. i got gas for the mower and let her cut the grass. i gave her a flyer and asked her to speak to her contacts and ask them to vote for me.
i got my bag mostly packed, i had the other half of yesterday's chicken sandwich and a small bowl of potato soup for dinner. i went by Rachel's (R) and got a present she had for me: a wolf picture with a saying on it that i haven't read yet. and a bag of Emerill's dark roast coffee. it is very nice to be thought of.
i brought Syd some food home and again reiterated the need for her to be a participant in the needs of the house, a giver and not just a taker. i only have to pack my briefcase, put my chrome book and my info packets into it and after i see VF tomorrow i'm on the road to Columbus. i'll pick up the books i ordered, see what there is to see and get my ass gone. that's the bottom line.
i miss my uncle, and i'm a hypocrite, even now. i don't like that part of myself very much. i need to say that, because i see it in me and my mother and my family, but if i see it in me, it keeps me from playing God. thank you, Father, for keeping me mindful of the fact that I am not YOU.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
sadness
my uncle, Thomas E Lomax, passed away yesterday. He had been suffering for many years with the degenerative disease, Parkinsons. He is at rest now, he is no longer trapped within a body that had long ceased to obey the impulses and dictates of his very organized and structured mind, and for that I am grateful. But I am sad. I loved my uncle and did not show it very well in his last years. I revered my uncle, he was my hero in so many ways.
Between two husbands, my grandmother gave birth to ten children. three girls, the first two children born and the youngest. seven boys, of which my uncle Thomas was the third male child and the fifth child in total. Three-Fifths, by the way, is the percentage of a human being that blacks were considered to be during the framing of the Constitution of the United States of America. Not important right now.
My uncle was a mechanic, a fisherman, a photographer, an avid bowler, a security guard and a mill man, where he lost an eye. He was a gambler, a father, a dutiful son to his parents, he was named after my grandfather, his mother's second husband. He was an avid reader, he was an enthusiast for music of all genres, but particularly old soul and jazz. He had one of the few reel-to-reel tape players i'd ever seen in real life. He was an activist and a revolutionist for his people, and he, along with my grandparents, instilled that in both his younger siblings and his nephews. He was a great thinker, a natural philosopher. Before I'd ever heard the term for it, he'd explained the principle of 'planned obsolescence', and when I finally heard someone talking about it by name i realized just how sharp my uncle's mind was.
That mind ended up trapped in a body that was withering for years. In the end, he was reduced to being a brilliant mind in a body that functioned no better than a two month old toddler, and it broke my heart.
My family has had its share of very stupid feuds, little border skirmishes and pointless ground wars over principle and posturing. I've never known my uncle to engage in any of that. I hope,with all his siblings old enough now to know that the gates of the cemetery are closer than ever, that they think about the worth of bullshit and silly, trifling conflict and find a way to honor his memory by putting past childish things aside and bonding together from this point forward.
but i'm a dreamer, and i miss my uncle very much.
Between two husbands, my grandmother gave birth to ten children. three girls, the first two children born and the youngest. seven boys, of which my uncle Thomas was the third male child and the fifth child in total. Three-Fifths, by the way, is the percentage of a human being that blacks were considered to be during the framing of the Constitution of the United States of America. Not important right now.
My uncle was a mechanic, a fisherman, a photographer, an avid bowler, a security guard and a mill man, where he lost an eye. He was a gambler, a father, a dutiful son to his parents, he was named after my grandfather, his mother's second husband. He was an avid reader, he was an enthusiast for music of all genres, but particularly old soul and jazz. He had one of the few reel-to-reel tape players i'd ever seen in real life. He was an activist and a revolutionist for his people, and he, along with my grandparents, instilled that in both his younger siblings and his nephews. He was a great thinker, a natural philosopher. Before I'd ever heard the term for it, he'd explained the principle of 'planned obsolescence', and when I finally heard someone talking about it by name i realized just how sharp my uncle's mind was.
That mind ended up trapped in a body that was withering for years. In the end, he was reduced to being a brilliant mind in a body that functioned no better than a two month old toddler, and it broke my heart.
My family has had its share of very stupid feuds, little border skirmishes and pointless ground wars over principle and posturing. I've never known my uncle to engage in any of that. I hope,with all his siblings old enough now to know that the gates of the cemetery are closer than ever, that they think about the worth of bullshit and silly, trifling conflict and find a way to honor his memory by putting past childish things aside and bonding together from this point forward.
but i'm a dreamer, and i miss my uncle very much.
Monday, June 6, 2016
deep space
neglectful last few days. i'm sorry. it's been going okay, and i've been busy. beginning of the month is like that. i have to get regulated again, though. can't become untethered, i'm deeper into this orbit and i'm hitting some real unknown space.
i got up and got it started today, which was good. i did get to the gym, i did weights and i went to walmart and got a few things for a wedding soup. i had paid the major bills last night, so i was waiting to see when the rest came out and what i was working with for the rest of the month.
i came home and took meds and had a pancake and a sausage for breakfast. washed dishes, started slow working on soup. i talked to R, to my mom, i ordered clothes, got Old Lazarus up and in consideration for the Kindle Scout campaign and i took a bath and groomed. i hung out and then i went to an eye appointment. i had a chicken sandwich and a diet coke from BK for lunch.
eye exam went well, no diabetes in my eyes. i went to visit my sponsor after as he lives right around the corner from my ophthalmologist. i hung there for about an hour and a half and then i made my way home. i talked to Syd about her lack of participation for the umpteenth but, for certain, the last time, and i made myself a burger and had some wedding soup for dinner. i have been in my room, talking to R, thinking on what comes next for she and i.
we're in good space right now. the weekend went well, we've been talking and it feels sort of girlfriend/boyfriend-y, though i know that sounds weird. i am pleased with where we are, and i don't feel either the need to go anywhere else or the need to find something augmentative in someone else. i just want to see how deep this thing runs, and how far into it i can go before time runs out.
its raining now, so i guess i won't be cutting the grass tomorrow. so i'm going to let this natural rain lull me to sleep and i'm going to thank Jehovah for a wonderful day, and say good night.
Saturday, June 4, 2016
R and me
so, this is about 4 in the afternoon. it's been a good day. i'm doing this now because it's time to finish the evening on a high note. R has been by since this morning. we've done some thrifting, some garage sailing, we've gotten stuff for dinner. my table is simple but pretty, and we are enjoying each other's company. i am appreciative and happy, and that's about as good as it gets.
i prayed this morning, got my ass out of the bed and went for a walk. i drove off the route before i went to Wal-Mart and it was 1.5 miles, which ain't bad. went to the store, got some things, stopped to grab some cheap breakfast from taco bell and came home to shower. saw my brother briefly, got the rest of the house together and waited for R to call, which she did about 930. the rest is history in the process, and i'm going to stay in a good zone and just let things spool out as they are supposed to. Thank you, Father. good days are possible. i'm out.
i prayed this morning, got my ass out of the bed and went for a walk. i drove off the route before i went to Wal-Mart and it was 1.5 miles, which ain't bad. went to the store, got some things, stopped to grab some cheap breakfast from taco bell and came home to shower. saw my brother briefly, got the rest of the house together and waited for R to call, which she did about 930. the rest is history in the process, and i'm going to stay in a good zone and just let things spool out as they are supposed to. Thank you, Father. good days are possible. i'm out.
Friday, June 3, 2016
lunch with dad
i got up and said my prayer and kind of got myself toward the door. i woke at five thirty, but i'm going to reset my five am alarm so i can start walking at the very least. i had no breakfast, but coffee was good and i got out the house so i could get to my parents. i washed a load of clothes before going to talk to my mom, and i started them drying while i went to counseling.
counseling was good, and i was able to look at things in my current life from the outside in, which is always nice. i left, went to Mickey D's, got my mom some breakfast and myself something, took her her stuff, got my clothes and kept it moving. took my landlord the rent, made my way to Niles to get supplies. some stuff i was looking for for tomorrow's dinner accouterments i couldn't find and will go in search of them in the am tomorrow. but i got supplies (other than socks) and i went to get my dad for lunch.
we decided on the Fire Grill in Girard. i'd never been there and it is a nice place to eat. not expensive, lot of food, good 'sphere for conversation or company. we talked about a lot of things, but what got me was my expectations. when he told me that he's sad about Syd, my defenses went up immediately. i have learned that the men in my life, my instructors, have a tendency to continue to teach, though i'm well invested in the DOING stage right now. but he didn't want to teach, he just said he was sad because he's watched Syd grow up and time is moving so quickly, and i couldn't have agreed more. i know my father loves my daughter, and that's always made me happy. we spoke of current politics in America and the state of the black man in the modern world, and we had good food and good conversation. i had taken him to drop off a prescription before we went and i took him to pick it up when we got back to Liberty. i came home and put away my clothes and the things from the store, and i got into my skin and onto my bed and snoozed off and on, apparently. i am not hungry, but i have insulin to take. i am going to chill for the evening, do my last little bit of cleaning early and wait to see the plan with R. if she calls tonight, cool, if not, cool, i will just roll solo and find something to get into. a good day is a good day, regardless of what comes tomorrow. thank you, Father, for a lovely day with my dad.
Thursday, June 2, 2016
hard to take it easy
so, this has been a good day. hit most of the marks, but missed some important ones. i don't know why i can't just relax. i guess i truly am feeling my mortality now. time is short, and there's a lot to be done.
i got up with prayer and i got the day started but i didn't hit the gym. i may have to surrender the binaural beats meditations, as they send me down a corridor from which i struggle to awaken. i got coffee, took meds and insulin and started working on the day. the high point of planning was i had to get the car sold. i had a few snags that had to be ironed out, such as my dad's name still being on the title, such as Will (the customer's dad and my brother's friend) doing as much planning on the event as i was but not really coordinating with me. so i was mostly planning on the fly. i called my dad and asked if he could roll with me and he said yes. we went to the southside annex and got the physical title. Will and his daughter arrived shortly after and we did the title transfer. few more flips and the car was gone from my driveway and i was sort of sad about that.
i got myself into some shorts and a tee shirt and i went to visit R again. we've been getting along pretty well, it's a different level at this point is all i can really say. i don't know exactly why that is, but i'm trying my best to just roll with it, not overthink it or analyze it until it falls apart. we sat on her front deck and talked and eventually i came back home. i fixed myself some lunch and i read some and puttered some and i eventually started to plan. i would like some time with R this weekend, and i did tell her so, so i'm going to plan as if, without locking the fact of it happening in my head. a nice thing if it does, and life goes on if it doesn't.
anyway, i had dinner and decided it was time to clean. so i worked on my kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. the rooms are done, bedroom needs vacuuming, and the living room is not horrible. i want to have a nice dinner with R, to sit with a table cloth and a candle and have a meal and maybe have a small dance afterward. i shared this with her, and she said it sounds nice. i think, on reflection, it scares her a bit, because it scares me a bit too. but i know that people used to court that way, and i want to try to be a solid man in the life i have left. so we'll try it.
anyway, my thing today is that i can't just relax, no matter how hard i try. i do a lot, more in the course of a day than i actually realize most times, but its all trying to clear space so i can build on what i've been working on. it's just time, and time is short so i try not to waste any of it when it can be helped. i love R. i know i do, it's a deep in my gut feeling. but i'm not so far lost in that that i couldn't walk away if need be. i know that too, and i think that makes the emotion more precious to me. or maybe this is all just conjecture at this point, but any circumstances are going to lead to the same place. so I'm going to just dig it and keep it moving.
gtateful to Jehovah, good night.
i got up with prayer and i got the day started but i didn't hit the gym. i may have to surrender the binaural beats meditations, as they send me down a corridor from which i struggle to awaken. i got coffee, took meds and insulin and started working on the day. the high point of planning was i had to get the car sold. i had a few snags that had to be ironed out, such as my dad's name still being on the title, such as Will (the customer's dad and my brother's friend) doing as much planning on the event as i was but not really coordinating with me. so i was mostly planning on the fly. i called my dad and asked if he could roll with me and he said yes. we went to the southside annex and got the physical title. Will and his daughter arrived shortly after and we did the title transfer. few more flips and the car was gone from my driveway and i was sort of sad about that.
i got myself into some shorts and a tee shirt and i went to visit R again. we've been getting along pretty well, it's a different level at this point is all i can really say. i don't know exactly why that is, but i'm trying my best to just roll with it, not overthink it or analyze it until it falls apart. we sat on her front deck and talked and eventually i came back home. i fixed myself some lunch and i read some and puttered some and i eventually started to plan. i would like some time with R this weekend, and i did tell her so, so i'm going to plan as if, without locking the fact of it happening in my head. a nice thing if it does, and life goes on if it doesn't.
anyway, i had dinner and decided it was time to clean. so i worked on my kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. the rooms are done, bedroom needs vacuuming, and the living room is not horrible. i want to have a nice dinner with R, to sit with a table cloth and a candle and have a meal and maybe have a small dance afterward. i shared this with her, and she said it sounds nice. i think, on reflection, it scares her a bit, because it scares me a bit too. but i know that people used to court that way, and i want to try to be a solid man in the life i have left. so we'll try it.
anyway, my thing today is that i can't just relax, no matter how hard i try. i do a lot, more in the course of a day than i actually realize most times, but its all trying to clear space so i can build on what i've been working on. it's just time, and time is short so i try not to waste any of it when it can be helped. i love R. i know i do, it's a deep in my gut feeling. but i'm not so far lost in that that i couldn't walk away if need be. i know that too, and i think that makes the emotion more precious to me. or maybe this is all just conjecture at this point, but any circumstances are going to lead to the same place. so I'm going to just dig it and keep it moving.
gtateful to Jehovah, good night.
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
the melting
oh boy, it's hot as a motherfucker today. ninety two at two o'clock, hottest point in the day. i am going to the store shortly, and then i'm going to grill later, but that's the last of my midday rambling.
anyway, i forgot to get back to this yesterday, so i'm playing catch up still. not a problem. long as my memory holds out, i'm going to just roll.
i know i got in the house yesterday from my runs, went to the noon meeting, decided against going to the store for something to cook and had an egg sandwich for lunch. i pondered the possibility of going to get something for dinner. but a part of me is just holding out for the day the money lands, so i cut up a chicken breast from monday, sauteed it with peppers, onions, garlic and spinach, hit it liberally with roasted diced tomatoes, topped it with provolone and parmesan cheese and baked it while i fixed the pasta to serve it over. MexItalican. i read some of the book i got from the library, watched a bit of tv, shut it down early and did the deep sleep. that was about the long and the short of it.
today, i got up with prayer, went to the gym to hit the weight machines, which i didn't do yesterday. i came home, ate breakfast after insulin and meds, and i ran a bath. i shaved my face and took my bath and i got myself together for my meeting. i forgot the donation can and something else which eludes me now, and we had a good meeting regardless. we started collecting money for the anniversary meeting as well.
left the Fellowship Hall and went to lunch with Lonnie. talked for awhile, checking on him. he's got two kids on the verge of leaving the state for whatever tomorrow is going to begin to bring them, and he's understandably sad about it. i gave him a leftover donut from the meeting and he gave me a bag of coffee. good stuff.
my plans at this time are to go to the store, get a pack of hamburger, a box of turkey italian sausage, a head of cabbage and a red onion. a bag of instant light charcoal. i'm going to grill burgers and sausage and make smothered cabbage to go with it and the last of the potato salad. i'm going to try to get back to working on the book of Evolon. i have to change the message for the Z-Phone. i have an ophthalmologist appointment tomorrow afternoon, and if my sponsor is in i'm going to go visit him afterward. i am roasting, it is hot as the devil's piss out right now, but only the living complain about the heat. i am grateful to be living, to be aware and capable, and i'm going to finish this day as strong as i can, by God's grace.
anyway, i forgot to get back to this yesterday, so i'm playing catch up still. not a problem. long as my memory holds out, i'm going to just roll.
i know i got in the house yesterday from my runs, went to the noon meeting, decided against going to the store for something to cook and had an egg sandwich for lunch. i pondered the possibility of going to get something for dinner. but a part of me is just holding out for the day the money lands, so i cut up a chicken breast from monday, sauteed it with peppers, onions, garlic and spinach, hit it liberally with roasted diced tomatoes, topped it with provolone and parmesan cheese and baked it while i fixed the pasta to serve it over. MexItalican. i read some of the book i got from the library, watched a bit of tv, shut it down early and did the deep sleep. that was about the long and the short of it.
today, i got up with prayer, went to the gym to hit the weight machines, which i didn't do yesterday. i came home, ate breakfast after insulin and meds, and i ran a bath. i shaved my face and took my bath and i got myself together for my meeting. i forgot the donation can and something else which eludes me now, and we had a good meeting regardless. we started collecting money for the anniversary meeting as well.
left the Fellowship Hall and went to lunch with Lonnie. talked for awhile, checking on him. he's got two kids on the verge of leaving the state for whatever tomorrow is going to begin to bring them, and he's understandably sad about it. i gave him a leftover donut from the meeting and he gave me a bag of coffee. good stuff.
my plans at this time are to go to the store, get a pack of hamburger, a box of turkey italian sausage, a head of cabbage and a red onion. a bag of instant light charcoal. i'm going to grill burgers and sausage and make smothered cabbage to go with it and the last of the potato salad. i'm going to try to get back to working on the book of Evolon. i have to change the message for the Z-Phone. i have an ophthalmologist appointment tomorrow afternoon, and if my sponsor is in i'm going to go visit him afterward. i am roasting, it is hot as the devil's piss out right now, but only the living complain about the heat. i am grateful to be living, to be aware and capable, and i'm going to finish this day as strong as i can, by God's grace.
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