a day in the life, sort of

this was my kind of hat, once.  this was the kind of hat i would spend the early days of summer looking for, to put on my head and to complete my costume.  a hat, a mohawk, dark tinted lenses in my prescription glasses.  something, things rather, to keep me hidden from the eyes of those around me.  i put a lot of work into image control, because i was sure that if anyone truly got to know me, i would be ejected from the 12 step program, that i'd be ostracized and once more left alone on this planet.  i know better now, but i still like the hat.

it's late and i need to be sleep, but i can't.  tomorrow i ride to PA to say goodbye to Rob.  i should have been sleep.  but it's been a day.  cleaned my downstairs, mostly.  washed and dried clothes.  went shopping for something to wear tomorrow.  hung out with Rachel.  visited my parent's house, my mom specifically.  did the things that i had to do.  my head hurts, my neck has been hurting.  i don't think that's why i can't sleep. 

i have the thought that things right now aren't quite real.  i do believe my brother has died.  i do know that in 17 days i'll be 51, and that my brother will never be 49 in November.  i know that i have to drive for about 9 hours tomorrow, still get up on time Monday to do my job.  i know that i prayed, had breakfast, took my meds and read and am grateful for the entire day.  still, i am apprehensive about the trip tomorrow.  i want to just chill, as i know is in my best interest.  but things have to be done, and i have to do my part.  so i'm going to shut this down now.  i'll update the Dining Room for the last couple days tomorrow morning.  and i thank you, Father, for getting me through some rough days lately. 

Impossible Perfect

what is perfection?  is such a thing possible in such a fucked up world as this?  i was raised to believe that perfection is not possible in man, that this world is imperfect due to the sin committed by Adam and Eve in their disobedience to God, and that we are all children of that sin, therefore children of imperfection.

they say 360 degrees is a perfect circle, but a year is 365 days around the sun, which would make it an ellipse that becomes a spiralgraph over time.  people go in pursuit of perfect hair, perfect teeth for the perfect smile, perfect skin, not even considering that hair and skin are dead tissue and that teeth are specific bone structure. we want perfect love, perfect kindness, perfect justice, perfect truth, perfect beauty, and the world is hateful, cruel, unjust, false by nature and ugly.  so, what is perfection?

on my route, i get to see the most beautiful sunrise.  many different scenarios that accompany it, and i try to get shots every time i'm out and it's gorgeous.  but the pictures i take don't come close to the beauty of the horizon as i'm sighing and trying not to crash the bus.  i see it and i think, 'THAT's perfection.  God's creation, a sunrise that will go on as long as God wills it'.  and maybe it is.  but it is an ever changing thing.  every morning is a different scenario, though they all look alike to my human eye.  every moment in every sunrise, the whole scene changes in poignant and minute ways.  the pictures i take do no justice whatsoever. how could they, when i'm on a bus trying to take still snaps on a moving vehicle with a camera phone?

today was stressful.  my mom's quiet sorrow that screams louder than the news of my brother's death.  my father being locked and loaded in his course of action, unable to even show his wife kindness and support, not even now, not even with the death of their child.  this confusion, this headache-y, restless, bitter fucked up feeling that i carry and have carried for the past week.  the grief that seems as if it won't end, because there's just more coming, and soon.  how do i get past this?  how do i get my foundation beneath me again?

i tried to eat right, and succeeded until i was asked to take my aunt to the bus station, when all i wanted to do was come home, take a shower, fix some food and go to sleep. i'm tired now.  took something for this neuropathy creeping on me, about to crash.  i can't even find the perfect sleep anymore.  but...gratitude.  a lovely sunrise, my parents alive, my other siblings sad but making it.  that's the deal.  i'm gone...

Knock Me Down...

i again apologize.  i guess depression is easier to Want to deal with than to actually do something about.  that doesn't mean it's impossible; it just means it sometimes takes a bit more than willpower, and that it doesn't exclude the will to do something different. 

i went to a doctor appointment yesterday.  i knew it wasn't going to be great stuff; weight increasing, blood pressure higher than usual.  i didn't know i was going to confess to my endocrinologist that i've been wrestling with some real-time existentialist stuff...as in, do i want to exist or not, and do i really care if i do or not.  but it is in the telling of the truth that one finds some things that one needs to build on the foundation, i suppose. 

like, how my doctor spoke of her own faith, about the lessons she gives to her own children.  how she gave an analogy, adaptable, that has given me pause to think, and how i want to act differently on the basis of what she gave me.  i told her i feel that, though grateful to have the things i need, to have my needs met and all that, i still feel as though i'm going downhill on roller skates, that nothing is ever truly going to get better in my life, in this life, and i didn't see a point to it.  she said that every single person is born dying (reminding me of a simple truth, but it's always bracing to hear it from a doctor), that life is not about whether we're going to die or not, because we are, but about how well we choose to live the life we have until it's done.  'We're all on a sinking ship', is how she put it.  and she's right.  but i'd never considered that before. 

every ship, every single water craft, every seafaring vessel, will one day be at the bottom of the water it was crafted to sail upon, will be at the bottom of the sea it fared.  every single one. and the people who build them know that.  just like there are Rolls Royces in junk yards, same as Yugos and Chevettes.  the thing is, did their owners enjoy the rides they got out of them?  did they go places, take journeys, have fun, get the most out of their time on earth?  or did they just sit, rust, atrophy and eventually get hauled off to the final resting place? 

life has to be more. it has to mean more.  it can't be just bitter people, insane individuals who have lost touch with their spirituality, let alone the rest of humanity.  it has to be more than grief and loss and sickness.  it has to be more than getting old and getting useless and feeling sick and fat and pointless.  there has to be more to it than that.  and knowing if there is or not is a process of discovery, not a process of sleeping through the bad stuff and hoping the good stuff won't take much longer to get here.

it's time to change. 

i've been working.  i pray.  i eat, i take meds, i go to sleep to wake to a new day.  my body has craved contact that i've not pursued.  i am weary of a 'holding pattern' existence.  its time to be a wolf again. 

thank you for the reminder, Father.  thank you to my endocrinologist, for reminding me that if my boat weren't still afloat, we wouldn't be talking about it sinking one day, and that maybe i need to quit bitching and get it 'seaworthy' again.  i'm gone.

...and Around and Around...

i'm kind of undone at the moment.  i am grateful, and i want to express that right off the bat.  i am grieving still, but it's not crippling, like Johnnie grief was and still is in a way.  but i am going through some weird shit concerning my brother's death, and i have to log it here before it becomes septic and toxic.

start with saying, my mother is doing better so far, and i hate to upset that.  she was bad the first day, and she is still having some trouble keeping her thoughts in linear form, but she is doing what she needs to get done.  my dad, however...

i'm sure it's normal, in a way.  my dad doesn't do grief well.  he doesn't show emotion well.  he is trying to keep a handle on his feelings, trying to stay in control of himself, by figuring a way to get what he wants, which is some sort of service for Rob here.  and that's not the worst idea.  but my dad's way is to just get an idea and some of the components of it, and then rope a bunch of people into doing the legwork for it.  and i'm not going to do that.  and of course he's not happy about that.  so we had a moment on Sunday, and currently we're not talking.  i'm okay with that.  i've passed that point in my life where i feel i need to make the piece with people in order for everything to be alright.  sometimes, things have to break.  sometimes the center isn't supposed to fucking hold.  and if it can't be understood that EVERYONE is grieving my brother, everyone from his family of origin, then my dad needs to reassess his position in this.  the first day, my mom sobbed while my dad sat, across the room, trying to figure what to do with his phone. 

anyway, i'm still grateful.  there's an autopsy being done, so it's not exactly cut and dried.  my brother was depressed most of his life, just like me and i guess like the rest of us.  he may have just found some peace for himself, by himself, but i can't say that for sure either.  and it wouldn't matter to me.  i just want to continue to be honorable with his memory.  and i want to grieve, in my time, without having to work for someone else to get their way to micro-manage their emotions so no grief actually shows.  but that's me.  the best thing i can do is turn this all over to Jehovah God, and leave it there, for the resolution that will help the most people in this.  so, thank you, Father, for your kindness. 

Fall with Me

i'm sorry for the break.  it was not intentional, but it was necessary.

i'm okay, and i want to say that first.  i'm not happy, i'm not cheerful and i'm not feeling a whole lot.  but i'm okay.  this grief is not as heavy as in October, but it is deeper than that, which is something to know.  Still Waters run deep, they say.  i guess it's true.

today i'm taking to myself.  it's a bit selfish, i know, but i need a moment of selfishness.  i've been dealing with my parents since thursday night.  i've been stress/grief eating.  i've been sighing a lot.  i keep thinking about Rob, my brother, and i can only really see him as a young boy.  we didn't spend much grown time together.  when i was in early recovery, i missed a lot of my younger siblings lives.  when we got older, he got out and stayed out.  moved to Florida with his wife.  Moved to Alabama, back to Florida and then to Pennsylvania.  maybe places in-between.  i've seen him, mind you.  when we saw each other, we never had issues.  i did have an issue with him, attempting to tell my child things that he could not have experienced as a parent due to not being one.  but that never mattered; it wasn't a big enough issue for me to have to speak on it to him.

the first night my mother sobbed.  that was expected.  but she knew.  on Wednesday, she had asked me to talk, and spoke on being unprepared for the loss of her child.  so she knew, however she knew.  my father, on the other hand, he is not well.  he is a doer, he is one who has to know, who has to be heard.  his whole identity is challenged in this; he couldn't save his son, he couldn't fix this.  he tried so hard to find something to DO on Thursday night.  but he couldn't just sit with his wife, couldn't just cry with her, couldn't  comfort her.  i think that's part of my numbness too.  if i could just, ONLY, feel my brother dying, i could likely hurt and start moving toward healing.  but i have to KNOW my parent's state of mind.  i have to KNOW my older brother Jerome's grief, running deeper than my own, and his constant and horrific pain from his strokes, which worsens regularly.  his own battles with maintaining life, with the desire to.  it makes me re-evaluate my own need to be here.  i see my family's grief and realize i wouldn't want to deliberately add to that through any suicidal notions my depression dangles before my eyes like paradise fruit.

i spoke to the youngest son last night.  he is still self-absorbed, still trying to find ways to justify not growing up.  i'm not in the best mode for patience right now, so i kept it simple with him.  the youngest daughter made a decision to get into therapy as she is heavy with her grief, and she is waiting for word of the services so she can make her arrangements.  that's how it goes.  some get it, some don't.  some can, and some never will.

i'm okay, though.  going to dry my clothes, going to clean a bit, going to just try to do the stuff i'm supposed to do.  i'll even log the last 2 days worth of bad eating on the Dining Room.  and i'm very grateful to Jehovah, for his care of my brother's spirit.

Robert Lenwood Thomas, 1970 - 2019

 i'm not going to sleep tonight, very doubtful.

this is my brother and his niece.  Robert was 2 years younger than me.  he was closest to me after my brother Jerry, especially when we were young.  he was born with some kind of pigeon toe thing, where he had the shoes with the metal bracket as a child that straightened out his feet.  he also had a stutter when he was very young. we used to make fun of the way he talked, because children are assholes by nurture and somewhat by nature as well.  he had a time of hero worship of me, which i cultivated because i felt pretty worthless and he made me feel good about myself a lot of the time.  he grew into a sad man who struggled to be happy, and i believe his wife, Lisette, did much to enhance the happiness that was in him.  he was a good man, a good brother, often depressed, recently struggling with cancer and i think it was an infection from the surgery to remove the cancer that changed the frequency of his journey on Thursday night, March 21, 2019.

he was one of my younger brothers, the fourth of the siblings to my parents, and he has gone on to another reality now.  i am very, very sad.  it seems to be a season of loss that has arrived with the equinox.  perhaps it always comes that way. 

thank you, Jehovah, for almost 49 human years with this brother of mine.  i'm glad he's in Your care now. 

Time For Bed...

...but before i go...

this little guy's name is King.  he is the son of a friend of mine at the noon meeting that i do.  he is a terror when awake, likely because he is a late in life child.  but he is not a bad child, and he looks as innocent as all get out when he's asleep.  i took some pictures today, but that was the only one that i can use.  the rest were pictures of my clients for some bullshit at work, and i can't really use those. 

i have an interview tomorrow, Yay.  i don't know what company it's for, but it's a driving job and it's in the range of hours i'm working now.  i have the interview set for 1030, so getting there shouldn't be a problem.  i have to see what they're talking about money-wise, see if it's something that i'd really be interested in.  i just know i don't want to spend my work days unhappy.  i don't see the sense in that.  i did look at the work calendar today and i'm scheduled off for the week in April i requested.  so a part of me is feeling that i need to just chill, not even sweat all the details of a new job until i'm done with that.  thing is, though, it's not a vacation in the sense of having worked long enough to qualify for time off.  it's requested sequential days for which i will take the financial loss in exchange for a chance to reset my spirit and do some other things.  so, i don't feel any great love in deciding to go elsewhere.  but i need to pray on it and just see what God has in store for me. 

the work wasn't any problem at all though.  good runs, finished up in a timely fashion.  saw my parents and made them breakfast, talked to Rachel and Lonnie briefly, did my morning things and am feeling pretty good, to be honest.  the meeting was okay and i'm ready now to shut this shit down and get ready for tomorrow, if tomorrow be my blessing.  but i'm grateful for Jehovah's love and his mercy as well, for i know i'm protected from things that don't even cross my mind.  enough, time to shut it down.

Night Journey (Finally!!!)

funny thing.  it's almost seven-thirty.  the day wasn't bad.  i have done the things that i've set out to do, for the most part.  and i'm here, writing on the Journey and about to head over to the Dining Room, before i shut this shit down for the night.  i guess maybe it's progress.

it was a good enough day.  i'm listening to my song, 'Sunset Ride', and writing these thoughts and events, watching a show on Hulu called 'Shrill', which is pretty good.  i've eaten my dinner at home instead of rolling out to pick up something.  i've got a roast in the crock pot for tomorrow.  the day was mostly sunny, started getting warmer later in, and the people around me weren't complete assholes, though some were and that's okay too.  as well, i'm feeling a bit more creative; the lyrics and poetry i was working on this morning was pretty good, to be honest.  and that's not a problem, really.  just need time to get to work seriously on the projects i've started and paused on, but that will come too.

anyway, from this morning, i went to get Josh and we went to work.  i prepped my bus against the very cold morning and sat, listening to music and writing.  i got out on the road, went to Cortland and picked up my four out there and got them dropped off.  then i went to get the Niles/Vienna crew and get them dropped off.  from there, i came home between runs, got my roast and stuff prepped and into the crock pot and laid down to rest.  didn't have enough time for a proper nap, but i put systems on standby in the bodyship and waited til time to leave. 

strangely, Syd called, and i spoke to her briefly as i prepped my roast.  we didn't talk long and i didn't say much, but it was good to hear her voice.  i heard my grandson in the background, he sounds like he's much more verbose now.  before i left i talked to Rachel, and then i went and got lunch.  then it was back to work.

the afternoon was no more eventful than the morning, with the exception of talking to one of the bosses at work about the feelings that have grown prominent in me towards the environment there these days.  it was okay, i don't really ever care about how someone who asks me responds to me stating my feelings, but i wish things were like they were in the beginning.  then, the only thing i was mad about was them not paying me my money in my first week. what a clean, honest and unmuddied anger that was.  this is just like glass shards in the blood stream.

anyway, no grooming tonight, that's for tomorrow.  tonight, i'm going to finish journaling, find something to watch, take my night meds and shut this shit down.  got to get ready for the morning.  but i also realize, i need to keep some perspective on this shit.  i am blessed with work, blessed with a home, blessed with transportation.  i'm blessed with both parents and with my extremities and my mind in mostly working order.  i need to remember where those blessings come from, and stop worrying about other people's actions, because ain't nobody badder than my God, and i say thank you, Jehovah, for making me mindful again of that fact. 

Through My Mind...

going through.  that's all life is, that's all any of this is.  a decision, on a daily basis, to go through.  i'm okay with that.  i go through, you go through.  we all go through and we're all going through something.  going through some kind of shit.  but it doesn't mean anything if there's no learning.  going through on automatic pilot, numb and blind to the world around us, that's almost the worst experience of all.  because, eventually, one wakes up.  wonders where one is, how one got there, and how the hell one gets away.  that's coming to from going through, and i've been there before, and i don't want to be there again.

yesterday had moments of all kinds.  spent the day reading the employee handbook, because i was given a paper to sign off on saying that i had read it, and i had not, had never, and have not received a copy of one yet.  i also had a bit of a collision with the Ops manager over me helping another driver before i could even get to working on my own clients, and i have to see the results of that today.  whatever they are, i accept them, because i am not going to shirk at this point, haven't so far.  but i also know that i have to remember to live better than i am accustomed to, attitude-wise, and that my example for how to do that is not on this plane of reality. 

i did see my mom yesterday, did hang out with Joshua, i did my route in good time.  i did talk to Rachel and Lonnie, briefly, and i did find an app to allow me to get some music for my phone, which makes me happy.  i did not write, though i wrote some lyrics at work and will attempt to do some more today.  i did what i needed to do, and some things i wish i'd done better, and some things i honestly wish others had done differently in regard to me.  but again, that's going through.  yesterday is for charting, not reliving through mental and emotional time travel.  and, i did pray, did read, did take my meds and i did feel grateful for what i have, though i am not ever grateful enough, for how could i be?  i thank Jehovah for bringing me through the night to another day, and i am going to get it moving now.

Beginning Thoughts

good Monday morning.  it's the 18th day of March.  it's a cold morning, according to the temperature my body feels in my house.  it is going to be a long-ish day, as i have slept but not the entire night through.  i am hesitant in beginning, but i will begin, because that's what i have to do today.

i hate that my mind has gotten to the point where, apropos of its valid experiences, i consider whether i want to go to work the entire week this week.  it's not as bad as waking up and wanting to not go to work day by day, but it's still not ideal.  last year, regardless of events, i got up and got ready and went to work, no desire or reluctance either way.  work was work and not work was not work.  now, i was thinking perhaps tomorrow i would call off.  i don't like that kind of thinking, so i'm going to start putting more positive events into my conscious space.

yesterday was the meeting, and it went well.  we celebrated Marc having another year around the planet, with fajitas and cakes, and it was a nice change of pace.  then i went to visit Nancy, Johnnie's wife.  i stayed a couple hours, mostly listening, and i thought about the things she's going through, her own grief that she's not going to speak to too many people about.  she is a caregiver by nature, so she's not one to just open up about her feelings, but she talks quite a bit because she has no one to talk to.  and i can relate to that.  so i listened.  and i came home, and i ate and i put it down for the day and most of the night.  and now it's morning.

i showered and shaved yesterday, so i'm just in need of readings and medication, of coffee and clothes and getting in my car to go.  i'm going to keep this day simple.  i'm going to take a walk today between runs, it's time to get active again.  and i'm going to log at the Dining Room, my meals of yesterday, because i've been doing pretty good.  all in all, i'm grateful for a long weekend and a job to go to, and i say thank you, Father, and i move it along.

Sunday Prayers in Other Words

i wonder what my grandson looks like now...

that is an extremely sad thought for me, and i want to get it in and get it out of the way.  i miss him.  i do.  i miss Syd and even Joe as well, miss visiting them, miss their visits.

once upon a time, i would have tried desperately to search through my soul, find anything that could be construed as a 'wrong' on my part, something i could apologize for, make an amend for, verbally own so that i could get back to enjoying the things that were removed from my life by other hands.  at this point, though, i only think in terms of, 'have i done any active wrong towards a person'; 'has that person informed me of what wrong i've done to them'; 'what is God's will in this situation for me, as i cannot know God's will for anyone else'...things to that effect.  and then i do my best to let go.  i cannot fix what i have not broken.  because to do so, i assume that i am the most qualified to fix things (i am not; God is) and i assume that it is my responsibility to fix the broken things of others, family included (it is not; we're all responsible for facilitating our own healing).

i'm not mad that his father's mother gets to spend time with him. my child spent her young life trying to find ways to have what she believed was a 'normal' existence, while simultaneously attempting to find a niche she could force herself into.  this may cover a lot of different bases for her; i don't know.  but i know she has the right to do whatever she wants to in regards to her and her child.  and i know that hurt is optional.  i feel love for my grandson; i didn't know ahead of time what i would feel, but i feel love for him.  but he doesn't even know me now.  and so, what would the hurt be?  that, in doing nothing actively wrong against my child i have had her impose distance, not only between herself and i but also, between myself and my grandson?  i can't be hurt by that.  i can be confused, i can even be angry sometimes.  but hurt?  it is not a thing done to me.  i can't believe that it is something done to me. i believe that it is something happening.  and if i get hurt by everything happening that doesn't agree with what i Want, what i Desire, then i'll spend most of my waking hours being hurt.  and that is just not my cup of tea at this moment.

i still wonder what he looks like now.  he's probably walking well, likely speaking some words.  eating solids to an extent.  but, i know he's okay; i'd have heard if there was something horribly wrong, at least i'd like to think so.

i had a dream last night.  i was working on music pretty seriously.  i was seeking out singers for some new things i was going to work on, some things i was writing.  it was summer time.  i was finding some classic singers who were willing to come lay some vocals for me.  and the dream ended with a Smokey Robinson song being sung by George Clinton and a female vocalist who i can't remember now, but myself, Johnnie C (my sponsor) and another brother joined in and sang the doowop harmony behind them.  it was such a happy dream, in that my sponsor was alive and we were singing together, and i was working on my things.  as i think of it now my eyes are stinging.  and now i am awake, and the dream is fading some.  so i will hold what i can on this Journey, and i will keep moving, as that's what a Journey is, right?

yesterday i had a good day.  more restful than i thought it would be, as i was planning on a deep cleaning of the house.  but that can wait.  its cold, it was snowing a tad as i looked out my morning window, so i changed my plans to visit Nancy to today (Sunday) after the meeting and i went to the store after breakfast to get the things for our fajitas at the meeting, in celebration of Marc's born day this past Wednesday.  i got fruits and the stuff to prep and i came home after the stores rather than going to buy lunch out.  i prepped, then had lunch.  i watched some television, i washed dishes, i kept my meals very simple and i rested.  i talked to Rachel earlier in the evening and Lonnie later in the evening and my mom in the morning.  I finally put my clothes away and i did some writing on my book.  i watched my young cousin from up the street and someone with him i don't know in my young cousin's car, which has been parked in this driveway since i moved in here, and now i'm wondering what the hell is really up with that car, being that his mother (my first cousin) said the car belongs to the title loan company now.  but again, it's not mine to repair, it's not mine to worry about.  not my circus, not my monkeys.

i'm going in now to prepare the fajita items and get them into my electric skillet, which will go with me to the meeting to keep things warm.  i've planned this out pretty well, and hope that Marc is happy with it, that i've got enough for people to eat and that Matt got Marc's cake.

thank you for life today, Jehovah my father.

The Dining Room

Sunday Prep...

i likely could have done this last night, but it bears some reflecting, going through a day and making heads and tales out of the events therein.  no, that wasn't a type-o, either.  i am into Saturday now, and about to leave the house, but don't want to leave undone things that i'm determined to stay disciplined on.  so i'm Journeying and journaling and we'll see where it all takes us, in the end, right?

start with, after leaving the house yesterday, all was pretty cool.  Joshua is still having car issues, and he asked for my transportational assistance, and i wanted to help him but i didn't figure the logistics of my helping him in a productive way before he decided to just take his car to work and then chance getting it to the mechanic afterward.  i wanted to get a time flow going so i could do my stuff, get him to his mechanic and then to work since he got called in and then get to lunch with Lonnie. but it didn't happen that way, and i'm okay with it though i do worry about Josh.  but he is 23, and much more resilient that i can imagine. 

counseling was good, i took VF a card for her birthday, did not challenge on the 'no cake' request that she made.  it was a decent session, but ranged through some depressing things, like the recent mosque mass shooting in Australia and how no one group victimized by hate from the same source seems to find the wherewithal to band together against the proliferators of said hate.  after counseling i went home, swept as i said i would, took care of a few other things, then went to pick up Lonnie and have lunch.  lunch was cool, and after i took him back to work i was pretty much in for the day.  thought about going out to get some dinner, but that was my food addiction trying to get me to McDonalds or some other shit.  instead, i had grilled cheese and soup, i watched some television, i talked to Rachel, Keith called and i talked to him.  i finished paying my gas bill, which was planned for this week, and i looked into paying my cell phone bill for the first time since switching, but i guess they'll notify me when it's time.

i thought a lot about the nature of Rachel and i as well.  seems like we are at least talking again, and though i doubt she'll verify my observation, it is after she is gone and in her home that we resume the ability to communicate.  and the communication is limited and strained.  i barely talk about anything at all, am more responsive than open about me.  i just don't feel much emoting on either of our parts, and i don't feel like trying to probe for something tangible.  my honest feeling is, if this is all there is to us, it will have to do and i won't make more of it than it really is.  i guess it is the truth; i miss a Rachel that either doesn't exist any longer or never did except in my skewed perceptions. sad but honest.  and does she miss me at all?  no way to know.  it's like missing Syd and my grandson.  i could reach in, change things, force alterations, and then just take whatever is nearest at hand to the fissure i break in the barrier, but why should all that work be necessary to actively love someone? 

today i've put clothes away, i've had breakfast and i'm taking the trash out.  i'm going to work on some of my stuff today.  i'm going to get ready for Sunday's meeting and going to visit Nancy.  and i am grateful, in BIG ways, because Jehovah has shown me He takes care of me when i try to do what's right. 

my day off...

...it doesn't happen often.  definitely not often enough.  but today i didn't have to work, which is why i'm just getting this entry in on the Journey.  and admittedly, i can hypothesize at this time that there is a direct correlation between my level of depression and my willingness to look at myself.  i have to do the day to day things, if i want to continue to grow. otherwise, hanging it up now is not the worst idea i've ever had. 

anyway, it's Friday.  yesterday wasn't bad, but it was strange, and i kinda knew it would be.  nothing that requires great detail, just strange in the small things that make up a day being a bit...off, in ways.  and you have to accept that as a part of life.  you can't make day or a minute exactly what you want it to be, so you just do what you can with it, and get ready for the next one should you be so blessed.

i worked, i saw my parents, i talked to a couple people at work and a couple people outside my work life.  i ate way more things that i should have, and though it took me a minute to get to writing about it at the Dining Table, i got it all journaled today.  i got my clothes folded, though not put away.  it wasn't a complicated day, just slightly off. 

today so far, i've given my counselor a birthday card and gotten two more for other friends who have aged a year this week.  i've had lunch with Lonnie.  gone to counseling. bought my mom decaf for her to make at home and some frozen breakfast sandwiches.  got my dad's phone off emergency function.  i feel good, but i am sleepy.  and i am going to try to take a nap, though likely that won't happen til i'm in front of the TV. 

i also reloaded the mouse traps, swept the kitchen and the living room (i vacuumed my bedroom yesterday too, forgot that).  dishes are washed.  beans are put away.  turned in the application.  i've dealt with me and did the things that i needed to do today.  and i am glad that i was able to do those things without having to go to work and try to squeeze everything in between work events.  thank you, Father.

Easier Said than Done, I suppose...

Thursday, and blessedly, the last day of this particular work week.  the workshops have their in-service tomorrow, so most of us don't have to drive.  i have not one drop off, and i am pleased with that.  a three day weekend.  cleaning my home, getting some creative endeavors done, resetting some buttons in the control panel that have been mashed extensively to my detriment.  that kind of shit.

yesterday was a good enough day.  and by that, i mean it was a good day but my attitude, which has set like a multi-layered Jello mold at a family gathering by an old aunt (with marshmallows and fruit and shit) took me through some early changes.  people trying desperately hard to be in control of the management of the job without the consequences of their bad decisions.  but i am being a judge, of their personalities and the quality of their decisions.  truth is, i need to focus on me and me alone, not what anyone else does or does not do.  if i manage to do that, things are going to turn out well no matter what, or things will turn out in a way that i will benefit from the lesson or the blessing.  but worrying about other people's shit...that's never brought about any true satisfaction.  but i did learn something that is pretty important, and that is the need to take my headphones or my earbuds, and to work on my stuff before i roll out in the morning.

other than that, good day.  good times logged, no problems at the workshops, no issues with the clients.  was woke enough despite the lack of sleep, finished strong, ate better and aside from the need for more water in my day felt pretty good finishing up.

this morning i rose before the alarm and dismissed it early, said my prayers, went in the bathroom and shaved and showered, have had coffee and water, read scripture and meditations, took my pills and insulin, folded my clothes from the dryer and am lotioned and dressed.  no need to even warm up the car, as it's almost 50 degrees out already, so i'm going to do some creative writing today, i believe.  and i feel pretty good.

a concern is the fact that i'm still blowing my nose, and thick mucus and blood is still coming out.  but i did call my doctor's office.  because i go to One Health, i found my doctor is gone and i've been assigned to someone else, and i don't want to go in to someone new with a problem like this, because they don't know me and will ask me to do strange shit to deal with it.  so, i'll just deal, with a better strength and stamina level, with a resolve to move forward, and with the blessing of life today.  i thank my Father for the day ahead, and for the lessons of yesterday.

oh, and the Dining Room is opened again as well, so there's that.  i'm trying...
(feedindaface.blogspot.com)

Strangeness of Feelings

there is no real way to explain the way emotional expression changes overtime.  factors forgotten and stimuli that doesn't even resonate on a conscious level are a part of that change, but it has to be so many other things as well. 

this morning i found one of my traps caught a mouse.  throughout the night, i could not sleep well, knowing the likelihood a mouse would die.  i'm not sure when that happened.  i can say with honesty, if not pride, that as a young person i laughed at suffering.  i think i did it deliberately, marshaling the cruelty it seemed was necessary to survive in this world.  but it was nothing to run over animals and only express sarcasm and dark humor.  now, i have a mouse in my trash can.  he is suffering, because the smart bastard got through 3 of four traps, eating the peanut butter with impunity, and at the fourth one he got careless and got his back broken. but he suffers, and i don't have it in me to crush his head and end his torment.  so out he goes with the trash.  and i put out a poison block for his nest-mates, so i may stumble across corpses and not victims.  i'm getting weird in my old age.

above is a picture of some of my co-workers, early in the morning.  they're none of them bad people.  they do their jobs and get through the day without a bunch of noise or fanfare.  i got no issues with them.  i'm trying to have no issues with anyone, but its hard.  but i realize, judging and being bitter about people's assumed shortcomings just keeps me miserable.  it keeps me miserable in places in which i have no control, let's say.  so i am trying to allow them to be them, and keep moving and being me, and maybe i can find some serenity again, and maybe even some moments of happiness.  that is not too much to ask for, and not too much to work for either.

yesterday went well enough.  i bought my mom and dad a pizza from the 'Mart and salads to go with it so they had something for dinner.  the bus runs weren't terribly eventful, and that's always good.  the weather improving means my two clients in wheelchairs will ride more often, and that's okay too.  it lengthens the day some, but money is not a bad thing. 

i didn't shower this morning.  as i said, i tossed and turned most of the night, and it had to be sometime around one that i finally drifted off, and that means about two hours, two and a half tops, of uninterrupted sleep.  it'll have to be enough.  this evening i'll groom and clean up for Thursday.  no work Friday, and i'm glad for the respite.  it's been, in only two days, a long week. 

i prayed to Jehovah for His removal of the mice, and asked forgiveness for the taking of their lives if they remain.  that's where i'm at right now.  and i thank Jehovah for the ability to feel, but sometimes it does seem to be a bit extreme.  oh well...

Re-Conditioning

this has been a pretty brutal season now coming to an end.  it has been so rough, physically and emotionally, that daylight savings barely registered as a change on the perception level.  from the temperature changes/mood swings to the flash snows, from the changes in my living and work travel arrangements to the madness at work to Da Boss leaving, it has been something that i have not been able to get a grip on.  and yet, i move forward.  and that is the truth of what i need to focus on.  Life does that, you know.  life does not require my permission to switch up completely.  that's why being able to be responsive is so important.  you can plan your plan to your heart's content, but only the fool attempts to plan the results.  you can plan FOR a particular outcome that you wish, but you have to be ready to accept that it doesn't happen, and to move on otherwise.  that's just reality.

yesterday was a cool enough day.  no serious drama, a few changes but nothing out of the realm of reality.  woke and prayed and meditated and medicated, same as this morning.  got Josh, went to work.  skipped breakfast.  did my morning route, got to my parent's house, saw my sister Lori and her daughter and her daughter's  newborns.  stayed away due to this lingering cold i've got, but i did see them.  took a brief nap, talked to my mom and helped my dad with something he's working on.  went to Subway, got half a sub and a cup of soup, did my afternoon run and came home.  had chicken parm with pasta and leftover spicy cabbage for dinner.  took gout and neuropathy meds as i had a flare starting and tried to nip it in the bud.  read some scripture with dinner, good to do as often as i can.  spiritual food is more necessary at this time.  i talked to Rachel earlier in the day, talked to Lonnie.  made a call to Keith, but of course didn't reach him.  trying to find the willingness to start reaching out again, as i know there are no real benefits to feeling this isolation, though i did not necessarily provoke it.  but justified or not, it doesn't make it healthy or make it feel good.  so i'm looking at it differently, however slightly.

had my shower this morning.  got to set the mouse traps this evening.  about to lotion and dress and get ready to roll.  thank you, Father, for reconditioning my heart in Your own time, in Your own way.

...and the band played on...

a line from the Temptations, 'Ball of Confusion', fitting for the life i've been allowing myself to live lately. 

it is Monday.  it's the 11th day of March.  that means it's been 8 days since i last bothered to write anything here.  i have fallen far behind.  i've addressed precious little.  i have, in other words, allowed my emotions to resume the driver's seat, and continue to pretend surprise at the fucked up places they've been taking me to.  i am not truly surprised.  i am truly fucked up.  but that changes as of now. 

the thing about an emotional road trip, a trip where your feelings are behind the wheel and just driving, heedless of the GPS that you've installed in your psyche and have learned to rely on, is that you in the passenger seat of your own life see signs along the way, letting you know that you're not going the right way, not at all, but you stay there, because your feelings, once empowered by your apathy, disdain or simple indifference, will continue to assure you that they will take you where you want to go, they know a 'better way', or a 'shortcut'.  point in fact, they don't.  they know only how to go the way they've always gone, and to take you the way they've always taken you.  and they're not bad... as navigators.  emotions, feelings, are great at reading the maps, telling you what's ahead, letting you know to consider a different way or even to continue on a path that YOU'RE driving.  but they are lousy decision makers when they're in the driver's seat.  and the fucked up part is, i know this, like most of us of a certain age do, because we've rode shotgun to our feelings many times, and it's never really worked out well for us. 

so, 8 days later, my mind is starting to clear.  my INTELLECT seems to be awakening again, and i'm at least aware that change back has to happen, one day at a time.  nothing else matters.  and i'm okay with that.  Intellect over Emotion, not instead of.  but i want to drive this car, this spaceship, i want to captain this Journey, even if i'm not the One who commissioned the trip.  and i won't have my navigator sitting in my chair any longer.  one day at a time, that is.

so, why the picture of Rachel?

a perfect example of my emotions driving the car, and of how long they've truly been in the driver's seat.  my home, my HOME, is empty again.  no Rachel, no Ava.  Rachel is in her own house, and likely headed for the hospital, some health issues not being controlled very well on her part, probably for the same reason as i've not written in a week.  and i'm seeing so many people are hung up on the same thing.  found my daughter's mother is moving again to Arizona.  just doing the same thing, expecting different results.  a condemnation? no, an identifying, as i am also doing same things, expecting different results, or worse, not even caring what the results are.  and it's not everybody.  but its prevalent enough for me to know that i've been on a bad road, and it's time to check the navigation system, find out what magnitized me to that bad road and write about it, but more importantly, get myself back on the right path and get the hell back into my flight plan.  that's the important thing.

it's Monday.  back to work.  i've been sick for weeks.  blood and snot still when i blow my nose.  i've stopped taking the medicines, cause they're not working.  i'll call my doctor today, see if perhaps it might be something other than a cold. i've THOUGHT about it.  i do have a dander allergy, and i've lived with Ava for a couple months.  so perhaps this is a sinus infection, perhaps my house is full of dog hair and i can't shake it.  i'm not feverish, no body aches, no weakness. so i have to consider it may be something else.

one thing i will say, got to put debits in the right column.  i have not ceased prayer, have not ceased my readings, have not ceased my medications.  i am grateful to Jehovah for allowing a fool to ride out his foolishness, once again.  i miss Johnny, my sponsor.  i miss my old recovery friends, my old life friends, the people i adventured with in my younger days.  but doesn't everyone?  life goes on.  i will do what i have to do to go on with it, as everyone does.  and i will take this day as my life, and do the best i can with it, and see where tomorrow takes me if i am blessed with tomorrow.  for now, thank you, Father, for showing me me in others, and for showing me others in myself.  time to correct the course. 

better feeling

it's sunday.  it's me and Ava at the moment. that's not a bad deal, to be honest.

it's been me and Ava since friday when i got in from work.  Rachel is at her new house, with her family, putting things  together.  Ava won't be here for much longer, but she's welcome.  it's kind of strange.  i don't know exactly how i feel at the moment.  i know that having my house pretty much back to myself is cool, and i know that having Ava here is cool, and i know that when Rachel and i were actually communicating it was cool.  i don't know what i care about at this point, i don't know if i really care for one more than the other.  i know only that my clothes are clean, my dinner is mostly prepped and it's what i want, i have a meeting at one that i invited an old friend and a newcomer to recovery to, so i kinda have to be there, and that i'm considering breakfast.  i know i prayed this morning, that i wrote in my book, that i put my clothes away and read my meditations and scriptures and that i took my meds and this cold is pretty much gone but not completely.  that is all good stuff.

i also know that work is not a good environment for me right now.  just going through the motions on a daily basis is very draining.  i heard someone on the radio today summing it up the same way i'm feeling, sort of.  like, my sponsor is gone, and my uncle Tommy is gone.  my grandparents are gone.  my mom and dad are old, my brother is succumbing to the effects of the strokes he's had, and i'm not in the best of health.  nothing seems to be a gain anymore; everything seems to be a loss.  i don't see my grandson, i don't see my daughter, and i don't hear from Syd either.  so i feel as if, should i not continue to do this shit, it won't make much of a difference.  why would it?  and that's not the worst thing in the world, either.  but...

at work, i have a situation.  i'm thinking i'm being misunderstood by two different women. one of whom i enjoy for the pure pleasure seeing her brings me, the other because she is young and has a spirit i've always admired, a spirit of  being an individual in a world of conformist and clones.  and the first is envious of the attention i give the second.  and i ain't fucking nobody nowhere, so why do i care?  because my usual reaction to that kind of bullshit is to withdraw further into myself, and i have no further to go.  and if i don't straighten it out, then that's exactly what i'm going to start to do. 

got some things to take care of on the inside today.  but i'm having ribs and garlic chicken wings today, with some spicy cabbage and probably a baked potato.  gonna get me something nice for dessert while i'm out.  that's my treat to myself for holding the line.  tomorrow, should it come, is a whole new day, and today is the blessing i have received from the God of my heart and my understanding.  i thank Jehovah for opening this day for me, and for the gifts it comes with.