RE:turn to Tomorrow, pt 2

...where were we?

oh yeah, Christmas day.  and having to tap out.  it was necessary, i had nothing left.  i was hurting, i was tired, i hadn't slept, i couldn't have told you how anything i'd cooked up to that point actually tasted.  i just put it on auto-pilot and tried to get over the ocean.  and i made it.  and when i got home, i stripped down, got a gatorade and some ice water and laid it down with my urine bottle next to me. 

and then came the next chapter:  dehydration.  i started getting leg cramps.  constant and increasing.  i was scared.  making it home driving was about all i could manage; didn't know if i could make it anywhere else.  and, i was trying to fix me by myself, because i had to be at work on the 26th.  so, gatorade.  milk.  still running to the bathroom cause you can't squirt shit into a bottle.  until the diarrhea dried up. nothing left to squirt.  cramps kept coming.  i had eaten breakfast sandwiches on Christmas Eve, bout six-thirty in the morning.  had a tiny can of Pringles from the dollar store with the gatorade i bought about 12:30 same day.  ate half a peanut butter sandwich & six peanut butter open face crackers for breakfast on Christmas morning.  and it was all gone.  nothing in the fridge i could eat real quick.  had even already polished off my soup from the weekend, my flu fighting soup.  so i was in some trouble. 

God stepped in.  like He does, simply and majestically at the same time. 

my friend Matt from the Sunday meeting had been checking up on me, had some cookies his mom wanted me to have.  he found i was here with nothing to eat and had his mother fix me a plate.  i got the first of his family's christmas dinner, before  anyone else got a chance to eat..  she saved my life, literally.  turkey and the trimmings.  i ate most of it, put some in the fridge, and laid back down.  diarrhea returned, but only for a hot second.  drinking water, milk from the carton.  trying to stave off the cramps.  but they came back anyway.  now i'm really scared.  it's night.  Christmas night.  i don't know what to do.  if i don't make a decision, i'm going to be stuck with whatever's left in the morning.  i decide.  i call Lonnie; he can take me to the Austintown ER.  i call my boss, tell him what's going on.  i text Kim at Oak Street Health, tell her what's going on.  i text dude from Cleveland, one of our drivers at the center out there, a supervisor, tell him what's going on.  Lonnie arrives, we go to the emergency room. 

they get me in, get me checked on, vitals and ekg and all that good stuff.  pain levels according to me.  they do a urine on me, i think.  somehow, they come to the conclusion that i am in renal failure and advise checking me into St. E's.  i first object.  i'm not in renal failure, of course i'm not.  but can i be sure?  so i say, okay.  Lonnie goes home.  it's 2am.  by 3am, the ambulance has arrived to take me to St. E.  they almost drop the gurney.  the cot is narrow, i'm really swollen these days, really wide.  they get me there at three-thirty.  i'm taken to the 8th floor.  put in a bed next to a white guy sleep on his side.  his belly is huge,, hanging over the bed.  his hand is down his pants.  i ooomph myself over, keep going, have to pee.  feet weren't bothering me too much then.  i lay back down.  i can't sleep, but eventually i do. 

December 26th.  3:30 something in the morning.  i've got a fluid bag on.  i'm in my clothes, until they give me a robe in exchange for my shirt.  my coat is in a bag, and so is my spirit.  i don't think i can sleep, but the previous day i've had a total of 600 mgs of gabapentin. at some point in the day, i sleep.  can't keep my eyes open at first.  remember them taking my blood pressure and nodding with the pulsox on my finger, messing up her test.  pressure's high.  sugar's high.  night nurse, when i came in, doubted the renal failure thing too.  thought the dehydration release excessive protein into my urine and blood.  made sense to me.  still on fluids, being given ice water.  breakfast is good.  lunch and dinner are okay.  Matt comes in, has some books for me, stays for a good while.  i'm grateful, because no one else is coming.  don't want my parents to come, my brother would come but i'm not asking him to walk the distance just to see me.  i'll need him soon enough though.  job needs my van key.  Rich took his with him when he quit.  have to have my brother go to my house and get it out of my car and give to whomever it is that meets him there.  so that resolves that.  i rest.  i eat.  i pee a lot.  they want me to.  i take my meds.  i sleep.  guy in the next bed gets released.  eventually Matt leaves.  i turn on Doctor Who.  marathon binge-watch until i pass out from time to time during episodes.  i don't sleep great, but i sleep.

December 27th.  things to think about.  told my mom about being in the hospital finally, because i didn't know when i was being released.  told her i wanted no one coming to visit me; she interpreted it as tell no one i'm here.  but she told my sister.  sister calls, says mom's really sad cause i'm here.  i call her, learn that she's sad because of Rob, who died.  she's sad because Rachel told her, 'accidentally', that i was dealing with cancer.  i corrected my mother's thought process and moved on with the day.  rests, bloodwork, meds, eat, piss.  fluids.  texts.  thinking, it's Friday.  they had me order lunch & dinner.  will i get out this weekend?  depended on test results.  before breakfast came, they informed me i would be discharged that day.  no signs of renal failure.  only the gout pain has remained, but i'm not staying there for that.  i get breakfast, then i get released. 

my brother picks me up, takes me home, comes in for a minute and then heads back to his own life.  i'm laying down.  ankles brittle, broken glass, feet burning blocks of wood.  no diarrhea, no flu symptoms overt.  i rest.  Syd comes through with a plate and bottles of Gatorade.  i give her her Christmas present. grandson got his on Christmas.  i'm sleeping.  i'm waking, in pain.  it's Friday, though.  informed my boss i would be getting out, would be back to work on Monday.  informed the center as well.  now the race is on.  take my nighttime pills, pass out.  Saturday, feeling some better.  i eat some breakfast.  i do some cleaning, but not all.  i roll out briefly, actually make it to get some dinner.  i watch some television.  i keep it casual.  need to finish cleaning but i'll get to that.  pain increasing again.  need more black cherry juice.  Lonnie calls at night, hunting it down for me, drops it off, get to see Josh, first time since game night.  lot goin on with them, i say thanks, brought my medicine too, groovy. 

on to today.  woke up.  still limping about.  prayed, read my stuff, got a few versed of Luke read.  had breakfast, washed dishes.  moving slow, shoulda been out early early to hit the laundromat.  but can only do what the body say do.  get clothes done, sitting in a chair through most of it.  place is packed; last minute washing for all.  finish, hit my parent's house.  pay my mom's bills, talk to my brother, get black eyed peas and neckbones to cook for my father for the first of the year.  then it's the meeting.  small.  hurting, probably the shoes.  get home after, talking to some people on my way. i'm tired, i'm hurting, but i got to get some dinner together since i couldn't make a call in the car.  cacio e pepe, modified of course.  some buttered bread.  ice cream for dessert.  watch some tv.  talk to some people.  shave and shower.  put clothes on hangers in my front closet here.  make my bed, under new comforter.  now, i'm going to try to sleep. 

will i be pain free in the morning?  that's up to Jehovah.  I will go to work if i rise with the sun.  i will put in an honest day.  i will find something for dinner for tomorrow night. all things hinge on Jehovah's will, and so we'll see what the sunrise brings.  but that's been my whole so-called 'holiday' season so far.  and i am still in great anticipation of the clearer visions that lie ahead.  thank you, Father, and good night. 

Return to Tomorrow, pt 1 (i think)

well, it's been a minute, I know.  not deliberately at all this time.  I don't even know what the last thing is I wrote here.  but I know that I have been on a Ride, Jack.  and I can only hope it's over now, because I can't say one hundred that it is.  but that's what life is, in truth.  you can't say what the next minute will  bring, but you have to act in the next minute, even if the action you choose is to do nothing.  that's just how it goes.  at least, that's been the week for me.  and i'm going to cover the week, because tomorrow is back to the default position, and getting shit down in the Journey helps me to know i'm still on course.  one day, I really need to go back and read all these entries, from Orbit to Journey, from TOTI to HPH Transportation.  just so I can see what kind of a fucking ride this has REALLY been.  but for today...

so, day before Christmas, i'm working.  I had 2 clients starting out, only had one client as I began the actual runs.  the first one had called in to say they were rescheduling.  so most of the day was sitting around.  blessedly, it was only a half day.  but it was a half day of constant diarrhea, a half day of mid-level gout/neuropathy, a half day of blowing my nose, coughing and spitting when I could to try to keep moving the infection out of me.  and a half day of trying my best to get my gumption up to cook at my parent's house that evening.  not to mention, the running in and out of the cold didn't do me as much good as I thought it would.  sarcasm...


so I finish my day.  I've gone next door, got a Gatorade, trying to start the replenishing process, knowing I've reached some dangerous levels.  and I get to my parents. I had to stop at Aldi's first, and they didn't have what I needed, of course, so I had to get what they had.  green beans, I mean.  wanted to cook fresh, had to go with frozen. SO not the same.

I start my cooking.  cabbage in the crock pot, green beans on the stove top.  dressing.  i'm moving slow because there's no room in my parent's kitchen.  more on that in a moment, it's significant.  plus, i'm hurting.  the night is wearing on me.  I am going into the living room, sitting, elevating my swollen legs and knife-bitten feet for a break because there's only a high bar-style stool in the kitchen, which has never had room for a kitchen table in it.  but i'm pacing myself.  have to get the hard half done.  the turkey is the crux.  once that's in the oven, I can set it down for the night, for a few hours, and reset.  a good plan.

the best laid plan I had, of course.  and you know how that goes.  my dad, as is his wont, decides i'm apparently in HIS space, so he plops down in my 'rest' area to watch television.  and now i'm stuck, pretty much on my feet.  did I say my ASS WAS LEAKING the entire time?  and my mind starts to go dark.  because the door of realization starts to open, with the truth that my dad don't give a fuck about this dinner or anything else.  he only cares about getting what he wants.  like a little kid.  and as I look back, I see it more as a stamp over so much of my life and interaction with him.  and again, i'm trying to just keep going.

my mom, on the other hand...worrisome, worrying me with her worrying, trying hard to help when it's hard for her to do anything without pain or at a snail's pace.  just in the way, in a kitchen that, again, is too small for a table of it's own.  a kitchen table makes a lot of cooking possible and more fun for me, anyway.  can't speak for the next guy.  half-standing on swelling legs and gout/neuropathic flared feet is not.  it is the opposite of fun.

in the midst, i'm trying to clean as I go, because I've no space (without a kitchen table).  the little quarter-table (all I can call it) where the microwave sits is cluttered, all the counters are cluttered.  I begin to see, to SEE.  I start to realize that they have gone far down the rabbit hole, they have turned corners I didn't know they've turned.  my dad drops crackers in the couch, leaves crumbs, open food containers and shit all over the kitchen, spills shit and just walks away from it. when we were kids, if we'd done any of these things he did, if we'd done any one thing that he does, he'd have come in from work, or his meeting, pulled both me and Jerry from our beds (bed or beds?), beaten the shit out of us, making his point abundantly, made us clean up and then acted the next day like it never happened, I see my mom saving salt & pepper packets, salad dressing pouches, condiments from fast food purchases, bags, throwaway containers, etc.  I try to get rid of them, over and over, but they keep coming back. it gets my mind to racing, my sanity is slipping.  not gonna lie. i'm in pain, i'm trying to cook, i'm sick, i'm developing some resentment, and i'm weary.  and i'm growing dehydrated without knowing it.

okay, turkey in.  four to five hours.  living room is cleared.  so I sit in the living room.  put feet up, legs swollen, feet burning.  ass still running constantly.  Doctor Who keeps me company, I nod a time or two.  eventually, I just give up on getting sleep, revise the plan from the day before (it's Christmas now); I'm going to finish cooking and instead of staying at my parent's house, getting cleaned up and having dinner with the family that arrives, i'm going to go home and take some pills and sleep and try to get my shit back together.  I get the turkey out.  I get my pies in, get my mashed potatoes done, get my cobbler done and get my ham in the oven.  give my mom instructions, two hours, tops, and I gather my things and painfully make my way to my car.  I make it home.  i'm hurting, aching, coughing, limping, and my ass is running.  Christmas, 2019.  a very interesting trip so far, right?

i'll continue this when I get home (so this really is part one).  I have to get productive today.  

Lawd...

well.  it's Tuesday.  December 24th.  an interesting day, an interesting hour, to be sure.  to start with, i'm still sick.  i've been sick for awhile, but that's nothing new.  whatever this shit is that's going around is not playing; it is a whole new level of aggressive 'fuck-u-muthafucka' kinda viral infection.  it has beat me the fuck up like a gang of teens on meth, it has brought me as low as skid row, and to make matters worse, it decided to travel from my head down into my belly.  so now i'm squirting from my ass, just bubble-guts and trying to maintain forward momentum. well.  we do what we have to do.

my mother is in the kitchen chopping an onion.  she started chopping two onions last night.  i decided to wait, as i don't want her to feel like she can't help at all.  at the same time, my energy level is iffy, and i can only hope to work with efficiency and skill, so as to make my time in the kitchen as productive and brief as possible.  i will, however, be staying here tonight, so i can take my time for the most part.  but i hate the wait, though i like that she's trying to help.\

the second driver quit, so i'll have some extra days at work until they hire a new person.  i did not know him as a person, so i have no pros or cons about him quitting other than the inconvenience, and losing a worker when two people share all the responsibility will never be convenient.  but i can say i admire his stand-up-ness.  he came in yesterday, as he said he would, to work my shift while i went to the doctor.  if not for that, he would have quit on Monday, I suppose.  but he kept his word.  that's mostly all you can ask of a man, to be true to what he says.  of course, you should ask more, but that's enough. 

time for me to get started in the kitchen.  don't know what exactly i'm starting on, but it's gonna be good.  menu for tomorrow:

Turkey
Spiral Ham
Cabbage
Green Beans
sMashed potatoes
Mac N Cheese
Biscuits
sweet potato pie
peach cobbler
cake & brownies

think that's about enough.  i give a fuck about X-mas, but i like to cook for people.  we'll call it a draw.

thank you, Father, for the strength to get through work today. 

Sicksicksick...

ever just feel sick of being sick?  I mean, really?  not in the context of change, but truly just tired of the feeling of being immunocompromised, over and over throughout the years?  I am.  i'm tired of sick.  i'm tired of medication and achiness, tired of stuffy nose and echoey head, tired of being weak and just trying to find the wherewithal to keep it moving for a few more hours or minutes or days.  I am tired of it...yet i'm sick.  so there you go.  life don't give a fuck what I want or don't want, I get what I get.  and that's likely the true theme of this particular entry.

speaking of my energy level is like speaking about my personal belief in dinosaurs and pre-outlined evolution.  there's evidence it might once have existed, but again, those bones could mean anything at all.  don't judge me.  I am cold, but it's cold as fuck outside.  I am about to sip on a blend of black tea, green tea, hibiscus tea and generic thera-flu.  I ate two burgers for dinner, greedy, to be honest.  and I made a small pot of healing soup.  but I had no garlic cloves, and can't for the life of me remember when I used them.  I had minced garlic, but there's not as much power from the jar.  so I had to hope the jalapenos that heated that joker up will suffice for the night sweats I need.  my tire is reading low on the dashboard gauge, but I have no idea how much air it needs, so I put some air in and kept it moving for home.  best thing to do, I think.  i'll take it around to Walmart tomorrow between runs, if such a state exists tomorrow, and have them check it and fill it.  

today was about dealing with the terms life put on me today.  the morning wasn't bad, the afternoon was a gauntlet that I failed.  not with the clients, with staying awoke after the runs were done.  I stopped afterwards, got more meds, stuff for this soup and I got home.  almost stopped at the food cart, and I feel bad for not stopping.  but I did as much damage to myself here as I would have done there, without the fries, I guess.  so now i'm going to sip this brew, get myself wrapped in a comforter and hope tomorrow I feel some better.  

I've made arrangements for coverage on Monday so I can get to my doctor's appointment.  it's going to be one of those long, drawn out days.  but it gives me Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off.  i'll be at my parent's house on Tuesday and Wednesday, cooking and shit.  but still, I can hit this doctor office, see what's going on, and maybe move forward on some things that I've been neglecting.  we'll see when that time comes.

meanwhile, i'm exhausted and cold, as stated.  i'm going to take my noxious brew into the room and change and wrap up, and try to sink into unconsciousness.  regardless of me bitching here, i'm grateful.  when you pray to God for strength and you get through the day without folding, you should be grateful that prayer was answered, not rationalize your own superheroic efforts.  thank you, Father, for blessing me with the endurance to get to the end of this day.  i'm done.  

Da Fuck?

so yeah, 8 days ago I wrote something in this Journey.  and then I got lost somewhere inside my own life, and I didn't post anything in a week and a day.  and I don't know exactly how that happened, but i'm going to get back to it, because I kinda have to, and because it's kind of the right thing to do for myself.  right?

well, I know I've hit a point of feeling very shitty lately.  and i mean pure physical discomfort, but that does translate into mental and emotional turmoil, sad to say.  i don't think it can help it.  i think those things just run hand in hand, don't you? but to be honest, sleep has been a concept at best, one that i can't seem to figure out, therefore i am not getting it in in any significant amounts. such as last night, when again i did not sleep at all, watching the hours creep away until i needed to be up for work.  there is so much suckage in that, it makes for a fucking miserable day.  but i powered through, better than the last time i did this to myself, and what that shows me is I still have the capacity for growth and change.  still, it doesn't make it right or better.  and what's more, it's tied in to my sense of physical discomfort, which is likely the understatement of the year.  this would be the place where you turn away if you are easily grossed out.  i don't attempt to make anyone suffer but I have to put this down the way it is.  disclaimer has been issued.

lately i've not had very good control of much of my bodily functions.  and i don't mean peeing or shitting on myself, though i come close to each of those.  i mean, when i pee, it's usually strained.  and when i strain to pee, i sometimes have to sit and contemplate a number 2 because it threatens to launch itself forth despite no orders having been issued. the irony there is, when i sit to take a shit, most of the time its very inconsistent, very loose feces, very thick and clingy.  i've been upping my bran and fiber intake, trying to make some changes in my bowels.  but remember, this is all on the heels of a prostate cancer treatment.  so is there some tie-in?  is that some kind of indication that the treatment hasn't worked?

in addition, i've noticed lately my urine has a very strong smell.  i'd almost be willing to subscribe to a touch of whatever heebie-jeebies are going around right now, but it still concerns me, the timing.  and then there's the part where i don't shit at all.  where i go for a couple days without a bowel movement, where my stomach is so swollen my pants are tight.  and yes, i need to get to the plan, back to exercise, whatever.  but i truly have no energy for that shit.  the walk i took the other day, just a mile, first time i ever had to stop on the way to rest, chest pounding like a bellows, feeling light headed and weak.  first time.  when i started walking in the summer, i could walk without stopping.  now, my legs swell at night, my body doesn't eliminate waste properly and i have no energy at all most days.  this gives me something to tell my doctor when i call to make an appointment tomorrow.  yes, i have the willingness to do that.  i'm not stupid.  i don't just count myself as being weak or fucked up.  but it does make me apprehensive.  and i won't lie about my emotional content for anyone.  

everyone i know is catching a bit of this hell.  my brother is worse, my mother is worse, my dad is still paranoid as fuck.  but Syd and the grande-monster are doing okay, Deja is still doing his private cooking, and life goes on.  so i won't complain.  i'll seek answers and i'll strive to get shit taken care of.  there's nothing else to do.  

having written all that, my plan for tonight is to take a something so i can ensure sleep and to go into sleep and stay there until i wake up and that's all i got.  i hope it works.  i thank Jehovah for bringing me safely through this day, because i had no personal guarantee from inside that that would happen.  i'll hit this tomorrow.

Gatherings...

Sunday morning.  it's been a week, it's been interesting and productive, it's been something to consider, that's for sure.  I can't ask for any more than this, literally, for the week itself is done, and there is only the day ahead.  but even if I could, I wouldn't ask for any changes.  it has been something nice.  

it's been half a minute since I wrote, and I haven't meant to let time slide by.  it's been active, that's the reality, and it slips my mind as I consider the activities of the coming day.  but that just serves as a self-reminder to slow the hell down, and take the entire day as the entire day, and let tomorrow's worries come when tomorrow does.  so I can do better, and I will.  

from counseling Wednesday, where I learned I still have to value myself and my worth more, and that is a good thing to realize and receive help to see in oneself, to the work of Thursday and Friday, which was hectic and non-stop, and I learned some things about the people that I work around, though not with, because I drive for the company that drives for them, it was an educational experience all the way around. I learned how people on my job are scrambling to show competency, how they are trying to stay personally relevant, which means an ax is somewhere in the background waiting to fall.  I learned that my co-driver may be in jeopardy, and that he is feeling the crunch but isn't really responsive to it.  that's not good, and it doesn't bode well for him.  I learned that I don't like when someone tries to make me look incompetent in a way that I am not.  In new or old situations there is always the chance a person will have to learn something new, will have to adjust and adapt their way of doing things to a new way of things being.  and that should never cause undue friction, because it's going to happen.  it's like losing one's mind because a shoelace breaks.  it is going to happen one day, and all you can do is replace the lace.  however, I keep in mind that we live in a world that once kept extra shoelaces for just such situations, and now probably doesn't.  and I refer to myself, and I know that if I broke a lace, i'd have to change shoes and buy another pair later, and I think that's what life analogy i'm going for here.  someone tried to make it seem as if I wasn't working fast enough because they were not given accurate information to pass on to me to do my job right.  and that scared them because they are already fearing they're not doing their job right.  it is a bit much, but I adjust and I keep it moving, because there's not one other thing to do, honestly.  what can you do?  you see change, you adjust.  you don't adjust, eventually you make yourself obsolete to the system that you were a part of before your obstinacy took over your life.  

got through the week, though. it's Sunday.  tomorrow, God willing that I wake, I work and then off for another 2 days.  and in the interim, I had friends by for food and games last night.  

always funny/sad to me, how much stock is placed in people being able to be a part of something.  and I mean that focused on me as well as my friends.  we don't gather just to chill anymore.  we don't come together and break bread as a rule without an occasion.  we see more of family at funerals than we do at holidays.  I was reminded of the habit in black families once upon a time of having many Sunday dinners in the course of a month.  all would gather who were in town, and it could be counted upon for good food and good company.  I miss that like you wouldn't believe.  so to have my friends come, bring some food, eat some food, drink some drink and smoke some smoke (not me on the last part), and laugh and talk and let their spirits show and their hairs down, it was some really nice shit.  my daughter came, a co-worker from the old place who has issues with sociability that I can relate to showed up, and we had fun and we hung out.  and I slept much better than I had been so it was therapeutic for me as well.  i'm sorry that the One who Remains Nameless here didn't stay over, but sometimes you have to accept that things are supposed to be a certain way for a certain reason, and that the working out of that reason is far more important than immediate self-gratification.  and I believe that was the case. so we had fun, and it's sunday now, and I've got a one o'clock meeting and I have to see my parents.  and i'm going to get my shit together for work tomorrow.  I've had a good breakfast, had coffee, read my stuff and took my meds.  i'm going to get out of this cold for a bit, and i'll get on with my day shortly.  but it was important to log, to get back to my travels, and to say thank you to Jehovah, for the gathering of spirits and the breaking of bread with friends.  

Again, So...

It's Wednesday.  seven in a god-forsaken morning, apparently.  i'm pretty weary, still.  but i'm up.  I've prayed, I've exercised and read and taken my medication.  i'm about to eat something, I guess, gather up my clothes, get one load in the wash and dry.  i'm invested in a partial schedule today, but I don't know where exactly that's going to lead me, so i'm just going to play a lot of this by ear, except three o'clock, when I have counseling.  

I don't know what's going on with my sleep, as in it's not happening very well right about now. I toss and turn most of the night, most nights. I took a gabapentin last night as I was having a gout/neuropathic flare, but I can't honestly say that the lack of sleep DIDN'T facilitate the flare to create the need for the pill.  I have to leave some of that shit alone.  'when you're taking every kind of pill, nothing seems to ever cure your ill'.  Parliament, 'Funkentelechy'.  

still, they haven't been bad days, just restless, I suppose.  but that's not the best state of being for me either.  the cold has come, bitter and brittle.  the house is cold, and if I turn the heat way up it is stifling.  I don't want to get into having an 80 degree heating bill. may have to just invest in more layers of clothes, but I pretty much hate being fully dressed at home.  I don't think that's weird; home is where you're supposed to be comfortable, right?

regardless, I have shit to do today.  got to pay my primary bills.  got to pay some secondary shit as well.  got to get clothes washed, got to get things straightened out a bit, as I may have guests this weekend.  I got to get some time with my parents.  I wanted to go to the movies on my days off, but I don't think that's going to fit in.  I will get there, though.  maybe sunday, something is going to be sacrificed as far as committed time goes.  I need some ME time, and that right soon. 

talking to She who Won't be Named here, yesterday.  she is upset because she's got an either/or progress choice that she's making, and it is feeling like a loss to her.  talking to young people is no longer my forte.  it's funny sometimes, how you come to the realization that your thought processes have altered without you knowing it.  I don't know how to sit and cluck sympathetically and say 'uh-huh', 'mmhmm', yes, go on, etc.  I only know how to speak either what I see when the pieces fall together or what I've experienced in a similar situation.  OR, I know how to shut the fuck up.  and when someone tells me something about how they are having to sacrifice something they don't want to to get to where they say they want to go, I want to make sense of it, and if I can't, then I want to not be bothered with it.  but I have to remember, sometimes  being a friend means allowing someone their bullshit.  you try to take it from them, because it's the right thing to do.  but then you let them have it if they protest, because they have a right to sit in their shit.  went through the same thing with my mom yesterday.  she hurts, her doctor is not helping her, but she doesn't want to change doctors or be truthful about what's really going on with her.  fear of alienating a doctor?  I know a lot of the elder generation place great stock in loyalty to individuals.  one grocery store, one baker, one brand of car or whatever.  but sometimes you have to be willing to at least try something different.  and if you're not, then you have a right to your own pain, your own misery, your own bullshit.  it's the same as with me.  I know people have tried to tell me right things and my ego didn't allow me to respond to them, and they left me where I was until I was ready to get out of my shit.  that's life, darlin'.

well, we're going to see.  I have been more active, more involved lately.  I like it but it's scary too.  when you invest more, you stand to lose more, or have more taken away when people decide to fade on you.  love is a fucking gamble, and I just don't know if that's what it's supposed to be.  but I guess if it wasn't, you'd never feel like a winner when you have it, eh?

thank you, Jehovah, for allowing my mind to process things this morning.  

So.

change begets change.  that is an immutable truth.  which, itself, is ironic. even so, it is the truth.  things change, and as they change they create the environment for further change.  resistance to change is pointless, because even the resistance is a part of the change to come.  it's necessary, it is of top universal priority.  if nothing changes, nothing changes.  and there are so many components of that, you could injure your brain stem just trying to unravel them.  trust me on that one, I know firsthand.

however, the good thing is, change can be nothing more complicated than a bus to where you're going.  if you can dig it, if you can accept it, change can be a lovely ride, next to an interesting person, chatting at deeper levels until it seems the ride is done before it starts.  and that's the kind of change i'm trying to get down with right now.  just by writing this entry, i'm trying to open up to change.  and it's not always easy, but it's always optional.

today was a reflective kind of day.  i'm not sure if I noted how my check wasn't deposited yesterday.  I wasn't distraught and I wasn't undone, but I was angry.  I think anyone would be, to a degree, when you do the things necessary to ensure you get your money in your account and it doesn't happen.  took me back, it did.  but it didn't transport me back to that Tim.  what I did was, I finished my work, organized our work folder, got our paperwork faxed to HQ, visited my parents and washed a load of clothes.  I slept as well as I could last night and today I took everything as easy as it was presented to me.  did I try to call Corporate again? sure.  I figured no one would be there but, being a Chicago office and not a Mudville, Ohio one, I figured no harm in trying.  then I went to the stores, got things I need for my company tomorrow, cleaned my kitchen and bathroom, made a HUGE chicken salad, a roasted red-skinned loaded baked potato salad (knocked it the fuck out the park this time), made my dinner of meat loaf and mashed potatoes, to get some meat cooked that needed to be cooked.  I have all my prep done for the main dish tomorrow and I even have dessert finished already (hope it worked out, it is my current trepidation) I talked to Deja, to Syd, to my mom, to Lonnie.  I talked to the Boss, the One who Shant Be named, to Delia and I sent out some kites to some other friends through text.  and i'm about to put this meat in the fridge, cover dessert and go chill. got a meeting tomorrow, got a lot of runs on Monday.  Oh, and to finish a broken story, my check arrived in the mail today.  so apparently they just need to get me updated in their system.  so, I have been paid, I got what I needed, and the only real sacrifice I made was not going to the movie i'm going to see because I wasn't sure I would get my money today or sometime in the week to come.  and i'm not sorry erring in favor of caution.  

so that's my today.  and I feel good, winding it all down now.  i'm going to get some water and shut it all down, and in the morning i'm going to get started with my prayer, the only way to start a recovering day.  thank you, Jehovah, for your patience with me and nurturing of my spirit.  

Thinking On Some Changes

 i don't know.  it's been a good enough holiday.  it's funny, it came right on the heels of my anniversary this year, but the anniversary didn't mean as much.  my counselor acknowledged it, she remembered, and she always does to my eternal gratitude.  but there are other things that aren't so easy to put in a particular order.  such as, i don't really have a sense of the depression that i usually live under at this time of year.  not exactly.  i've felt pretty even throughout the month.  not overwhelmingly happy, not excessively down, just...okay.  and that's an improvement.  and an unexpected one.  i miss my sponsor still.  i wish he'd been at the anniversary meeting, but he wasn't.  and he's being forgotten deliberately, because he stood for something and his reputation is bigger than most people's reality.  but the event itself wasn't even worth it.  seven, eight people showed up.  a handful of individuals, coming to see what the fools are up to.  and we struggle and stress to get something good together, but after more than 10 years, the hype seems to be gone, at least for me.  i'm okay with it.  too many other things to focus on right now.

thanksgiving was okay.  my daughter and her child and her 'other', and my son had dinner with me, broke bread.  my brother came by later.  i did no cooking for our dinner, only cooked a turkey for my parent's house.  i was okay with that.  i was glad to have my children there.  i'm ready to get through the end of the year.  i don't have any plans.  just keep trying to push through the membrane, try to see what's on the other side. 

there is change happening, change that i want to see happen, change that doesn't care whether i like it or not happening as well.  i'm good either way.  i know i can see the end of the road, at least more clearly than i can see the beginning when i stop and look back.  all i see is road behind me, but there's a shimmer up ahead.  and i want to get to it, as the best me i can be.  i want to know that Tim.  I want TOTI, the Tim on the inside, to know the hidden Tim, i want him to approve of what we can be, buy in so the work we put into our lives can begin in earnest.  i think it's possible, and i think he's starting to get it too.

but, the dark spot.  waiting to get home so i can see if these folks mailed out the check they were supposed to direct-deposit.  bank account unfed.  and it hearkens back to PCS in the first month, not getting my money and feeling like i needed to attack the problem.  this time, though, i only feel like i need to take the appropriate steps and accept Jehovah's will as what the situation calls for.  i am fed by His hand.  i will continue to be fed in such a manner, unless i lose sight of the blessing. 

that's kind of it for now.  that's where the Journey has taken me.  i'm ready to get home.  i'm ready to start the weekend.  thank you, Father, for seeing to my well being, every day. 

Reaching Back, Pt 1

so, it's Sunday night now.  it's been a pretty good weekend, to me anyway.  I got no complaints tonight.  i's just after 6pm.  I've just finished eating my dinner, the dishes are washed.  I swept my floor and found a tiny, tiny bit of mouse evidence, so I suppose tomorrow I'll load a trap or two and see what it produces, but for now, compared to the army that was running through here, shitting all over my stove, i'm not traumatized.  and that's all that matters, at this time. 

i'm trying to do different stuff.  it's not easy, but it's not the hardest thing in the world, either.  like, I should take my shower tonight, but i'm not going to. i'm going to take some cold medicine shortly, get myself into the bed and get some sleep.  tomorrow shouldn't be terribly difficult, but it is a work day and I want to get up, get my exercises in, get cleaned up and take my meds and meds and get it in, get it done.  Monday work, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday off, Friday work, and the weekend off.  it will leave me a day short, but I think i'm going to survive that.

yesterday I went with Syd to get her some clothes.  did I write about that already?  anyway, she needed some stuff, and she didn't have the money and I did.  so we went to Gabe's and she checked the clearance racks and found herself some stuff, and we got my grandson a coat and some toy cars, and I found a pair of Sketchers for myself.  and we went to lunch and I took her home.  that was a day.  today, I did my meeting.  I opened it, set up, chaired and did the treasury for my friend who went to the game with his son, and I went to the store afterward to get what I wanted for dinner today.  but that's not what the title is about, obviously. 

this is Delia.  she is one of my dear friends, whom I only recently spoke to.  as in today.  as in this morning. as in, Reaching Back.  part one.  

she is a friend from my Columbus days, but she's so much more than that.  they all are, I know.  but this woman...when Chris first decided to explore her sexuality and pulled everything apart (inadvertently, I'm sure 😑…) this woman was the glue that held me together.  she became my best friend, and we bonded because the woman that she was in a relationship with was pretty much doing her the same level of bullshit that I was being done.  we started hanging out, she became my security and my mental bodyguard.  we became spiritual siblings.  she is a black panther, long before Disney bought the rights.  she looked out for me, cared for me, and I did the same for her.  we were each other's truth.  

I moved back her and it hurt her, but we survived that.  but I underestimated my level of depression that I was living under at that time, far deeper than I had believed.  I guess I thought I was indestructible and I was wrong.  her mom, also a friend of mine, died, in a very horrible way, in Delia's car, and she was undone.  and I wasn't there for her.  not even for the funeral.  and she was angry with me, as she had every right to be.  and I just left it alone, because I knew i'd fucked up, but with depression, that's not unusual.  you know you have messed things up, and you feel worse, and you dig in deeper.  well, I don't even know how long it's been.  hold on...okay.  2014.  five years.  five years ago, her mom died.  five years ago was the last time we talked.  and I have missed her every day, but I am a man and I take the weight of my actions.  didn't used to, but I do now.  

thing is, I've realized some things, and i'm working on the premise of those realizations now.  like, if I've isolated myself, cut myself off so much from people that when the Unnameable One leaves town I fell despondent, how do I make that right except by trying to 'clear away the wreckage of my past?  that's from the chapter titled 'A Vision For You' in the Big Book.  so I reached out to Delia and a woman named Patrice through text.  Patrice, I didn't think I'd hear back from. Delia, I thought it could go either way.  but she confirmed it was still her, and I asked for permission to call and she called me on her way to her meeting and we talked.  and it was a nice talk, and I miss the fuck out of her and told her so, and soon enough, we'll get together.  and that's good, because restored friendship or not, I needed her to know that I KNOW I fucked up, and that i'm sorry, because I can't make 5 sober years of silence right.  but I learned this from going through this with another friend.  and I guess that's part of the importance of these lessons as well.  if they're friends, you survive it all.  if they're not, you don't really want to keep things going anyway.  win-win, more or less.

so, i'm trying to clear slates.  trying to get my life back.  the ride nears its conclusion.  it has to.  and at the end, I just want to be known as a stand up motherfucker, someone who went from 'consistently inconsiderate' to someone whose word was worth more than it's weight in gold.  if I get there, it's by God's grace and I'm thankful for the distance I've come so far.  if I don't...I take the blame, my own self-will will have gotten in the way and I will deserve whatever comes to those who can't get around their own ego.  

good night.  

 

 

 

Different Kind of Saturday

well, it's Saturday evening.  not a bad evening.  not a bad day.  i am glad to be able to say that, and the Journeying continues. 

i worked my days this week.  Wednesday through Friday.  I didn't get my meeting in, nor did i get counseling.  missed both, feel the lack of both.  but i am trying to get my feet set solid on this new job, in this new life.  and i can take a hit to get a read on the opposition, so that i can better fight in the later rounds. 

work wasn't bad.  i had moments.  i had moments of feeling like it was getting away from me, but that's how I always feel when i go into a new situation.  i have to conform to the way things are supposed to be done.  i have to adhere to protocol.  i broke protocol, trying to see if things can be different.  too many layers of scheduling to just change shit midstream.  so i am trying to get my feet down flat.  trying to get my foundation set.

i got through it though.  and i hung out with She Who Shan't Be Named, and that was a nice night.  and i had a hard time getting to sleep, but that was okay.  because today was Saturday.  a day off.  and i woke late, later than usual anyway.  and i woke dragging a bit, but i woke.  and eventually i prayed.  and i got my exercises done.  and i had breakfast and i cleaned my kitchen.  made a chicken salad.  got some beef stew bowled up for my parents.  went to their house and did clothes and helped my mom pay some bills.  made them breakfast.  paid my internet bill, finally.  got my clothes folded and bagged up after 'The Maltese Falcon' went off.  then i went to get Syd.  we went to Gabe's so she could get herself some clothes.  got my grandson a new coat.  got myself some new sneaks.  got my grandson a pack of little knock-off Hot Wheel cars.  and i took Syd to lunch.  then i came home.  hung up some clothes that need to dry more, got my work clothes in the closet for monday.  been chillin ever since.  no reason not to.  not many calls.  no need for them either. 

because i haven't been isolated.  i haven't hidden away.  i did my thing, and i'm going to get some sleep soon.  i have a meeting tomorrow.  i have to order this food for Wednesday, the anniversary meeting.  i have to get my shit fully together for Monday.  won't be a lot of work, but i'm hanging til the end.  it's cool.  i just want to keep exercising, keep moving, keep tuning in to my family, so that i can be what God wants me to be.  and that's all the activity i really require.  the plan is in place.  the rest is just a matter of staying the course. 

i am glad to write this today.  i am grateful to Jehovah.  this is not owed to me, therefore i am blessed.  time to shut it down. 

Breaking Orbit...

it's a new day.  Wednesday.  first day back to the job since last Thursday.  I feel pretty good.  I got up sluggish, looking for excuses to not exercise, then I got up and got them in.  said my prayers, took my medicine, read my meditation and scripture, just finished breakfast and it's about a quarter to six.  Sent out my good morning texts.  now i'm going to wash up and get dressed, get there early so I can get my schematics lined up for the day.

funny, the change to this new vibe hasn't been as extreme as I thought it would be.  at PCS, I would just now be pulling up to the building, maybe in another 10 minutes.  I would unlock the door with the key in the lockbox outside, I would turn on the lights, get my paperwork together, get coffee started and do my pre-trip on my bus.  here, I will pull up about 7, get into the building with Rebecca, the primary receptionist, get the printout of pick-ups for the day, go over my times and miles, make sure the van is okay, which just means no flat tire, gas in the vehicle and ascertaining whether it needs some cleaning.  then i'll wait until it's time to grab my first person and i'll get it going.  I may take my tablet today, try to be constructive between riders.  that was my plan anyway, since i'm taking my carrying case with me.  but it will mostly be done for me, and all I have to do is maintain competence.

that's not to say I don't miss the other job.  I miss some of the people, all of the clients I've dealt with.  but I thought adjusting times and habits would be harder than this.  maybe it will yet.  I don't think there's a timetable for change.

anyway, I have done some productive things over the past couple days.  been to my foot doctor, reached out to the editor of the Buckeye Review to see if he has anything for me to write, and to ask both those individuals to consider networking the friend who goes unnamed, to help her get a hand up to some next level shit.  I've been in touch with Syd, and am thinking on how I can be of assistance to her.  she's never out of the equation, but I know she is trying, and she is laboring under the weight of some of her prior neglect for development, and I know what that's like, as she probably got that from me too.  so I will help her learn to help herself, and I will help her maintain until she can.  but I won't carry her.  I've seen the results of that in lives close to me, and I see no good outcome from it.

I am ready to get this day moving.  it feels as if i'm actually moving now, as if things have finally started again.  like, the silence of the engines stops being noticeable until they start again, then you realize how damn quiet it's been.  but i'm going to get dressed, get myself ready to pull out and get this day under my belt.  3 work days, the weekend, one work day, then two days off.  can't really complain about that kind of work week.  thank you, Jehovah, for setting me on this new adventure.

Long Days, Lonely Nights...

so, I've been coming to some decisions.  not decisions to pull my shirt up grandson-style, posing for the cameras.  no, I've been thinking about where I truly am at this point in my life, where I want to be, what I want to be doing, and how i'm going to go about getting there.  I mean, this is a Journey, and I've been treating it like an Orbit for the last couple of years, haven't I?  and that's not cool.  not in the least.  especially when the thing i'm orbiting is my own oversized ego, and i'm sick of the fucking view, for real. 

let's start with today's mindset, but with a very quick update from Friday and Saturday.

Friday, I had counseling.  I spoke about some of what i'm feeling, but not in any true depth.  I spoke of some jealousy, which is bad enough when connected to who it is connected to.  but that's not accurate, not really.  it was the easy statement, that kept me from diving down to the deep part of my heart.  which I did on Saturday.

yesterday, Saturday...the longest day.  the long, drawn out, self-pitying day. and it's not that there was no attempt at a plan of action, nor that there was not any reaching out.  I contacted some people, invited them for chili, I reached out to people I hadn't spoken to in quite some time, and I can say honestly I can now see the folly of such actions.  'hindsight is 20/20', after all.  one, no one is just going to take a spur of the moment invite for lunch or dinner, unless that's the nature of your interaction with them already.  and as far as calling people I usually don't...why would you answer when I never call?  but I didn't get all that until the end of the day, to be perfectly honest.  

so I fumed.  I talked to my son.  I decided to look inside, again, for the first REAL time in a long time. and I had to acknowledge some things. like, one, there was no jealousy.  it was MISSING someone's company, pure and simple.  you don't bug someone when they're on vacation.  so you wait, and most of the time, if it's the only regular person in your life, you suffer without them.  that's the rules of engagement in this shit.  and I did, and i'm glad I did.  because if I didn't have any emotion behind their absence, it would really say quite a bit about what I really think about their PRESENCE, wouldn't it?  wouldn't really mean much one way or the other.  and that's inaccurate.  so I miss her.  and I faced up to it, and I decided I needed to do something today, Sunday.  I needed to do some things for ME.  and I need to KEEP doing some things for ME. because I want my life back.  AGAIN, I know, but that's what time it is.  

so today.  Sunday.  I took a shower.  I got up and prayed and took a shower.  I shaved my head.  I made myself breakfast.  took my meds, read from Matthew, the chapter I'm currently on, and my meditation books online, and I put clothes away.  I planned my dinner.  I got dressed after I put away the few clothes I had from the wash.  I went to my parents after I put gas in my car. I went to the store.  I went to my meeting.  I went to the Butler Art Museum, saw some of the new exhibits and some of the classics.  like that Mellencamp piece on the first floor.  I went to get the last of the things I needed from another store, though I forgot dish liquid and deodorant.  I came home. talked to my daughter for a long conversation, made my dinner and ate.  i'm about to take out a bag of trash after I sweep my floor.  I've done my dishes. I got something to watch that's going to carry me into the night.  and i'm going to figure what i'm doing tomorrow. 

that's short range plan.  figure what I want to get done, get it done. 

Mid-range plan:  i'm going to start working to lose weight.  

yes, it seems like my motivation might be skewed, but it's not.  it plays into some of the loneliness, but it also plays more into the long range plan.  you'll see.  

I want to lose 100 pounds by my birthday.  give or take a few.  as I don't know exactly what I weigh now, but I know I weigh more than I want to.  I want to be at, or close to, 300 by my birthday.  that means a loss of about 20 pounds a day.  on that note, it means no more fast food. PERIOD.  no more bread, no more heavy starches, no more of this grab and gobble bullshit.  PERIOD.  no more sugar and starch desserts. PERIOD.  AND IT MEANS EXERCISE.  so, since I abused my privilege at the JCC and likely deprived someone else of a membership, i'm going to contact Planet Fitness and get a membership.  i'm going to need to accept God's discipline, and someone else's discipline on this level of existence.  and it comes down to some simple shit.  do I want to be better, feel better, live better?  or do I want to die like this?  it should be a simple answer, and for once i'm going to try my absolute damndest to keep it simple. 

Long-range first plan:

for my birthday, I want to take a trip.  me, myself.  not a trip with anyone that I miss now. not a trip with anyone I would like to be with.  a trip for myself.  but I want to go somewhere that has a reputation for friendly people who are glad to engage someone they don't know.  not somewhere where the friendliness is a prelude to a mugging.  not somewhere where I will be at a disadvantage from not knowing the language or customs.  somewhere I can be me, do me, and share me with people that are willing to be, do and share themselves.  i'll find a place.  I've got five months to search and put money aside.  

so, that's my NOW.  and i'm going to make myself an egg-nog shake, because tomorrow this Tim is back on the line.  and i'm cool with it.  we'll work with what we got, and we know it's enough because Jehovah always takes care of providing us with what we need, and we are very grateful for that right now.  

i'll keep you posted.  

3 Days In...

it is a strange, strange week indeed. it promises to get stranger as time goes by, but it's half over, which is a good thing.  i'm going to try not to get too lyrical, cause there's actual shit happening here right now.  but if it happens, it happens, and that's what is supposed to come out. 

so i got word on Sunday as to when I was starting work, which was Monday.  I made no fusses about it, because why would I?  i just closed up shop earlier than expected, got my ass in gear and put it down for the night.  Monday rolled in and i was there before the 8am time I was given, but as it turned out, there were no clients as some sort of administration thing was going on, so i was sent home with a couple hours logged just for showing up.  good enough, i guess.

Tuesday, I got up, got dressed (was told on Monday that i needed black pants, which i could have been told anytime before i started, but not that important) and got there at the 730 start time, before actually as i hate coming on the money. the 2nd driver, whom i'd met on Monday, wasn't there but my boss was and we got ready to go out for a client after he went over some paperwork with me.  2 were scheduled, but one cancelled before we even got started, apparently, and the other one cancelled before we got off the freeway.  i'm thinking due to the snowstorm, but you never know.  this time, i stayed for about 6 hours, had the 2 hours put on my timecard along with the 6 for 8 hours of doing nothing for 2 days.  again, good enough, i suppose. 

today was not those days.

before that, though, i'm concerned about my friend who shall not be named, as she had some disappointing things happening in the last few days.  i won't go into detail here, but i will say i hope it turns out in her favor, as she deserves a few wins, in my estimate.

so today i got up, got dressed, had breakfast, took meds and read my stuff (showered and shaved before dressing), and I got there a bit early. boss and the other driver were there, so I just got my shit in gear. we did have pick-ups, and we did them all. I got to drive, and aside from the fact that the pictured Dodge van has a seat belt that is about as loose as a nun's promiscuity, it was pretty much the regular.  just call, go pick up the person, drop them at the medical center, and if there's one waiting to go home and not another pickup immediately scheduled, take a client home.  started at 7:30, ended at 6:15 this evening.  

some of the highlights:

an old, dear friend, Denise, was one of my clients.  she was like a big sister to me way back in the days, and I had actually been trying to find her with some internet research.  so that she popped up as someone in my van was very spiritually filling.  

another lady just made me feel good, as we conversed about music and singing and playing, and it was like having a conversation in the wayback time with one of my friends from when things were much better than they are now.  no complaints.  

I was shown how to work the wheelchair hooks, which are much different than they were at PCS, and right after that we had a wheelchair that wasn't marked on the paper.  the other driver, who was shown at the same time as I was, didn't catch on to how to do it, but I did and we got the woman strapped in and safely transported.  

other than that, I will work tomorrow, i'll be off for the next five days, and then I'll work 3 days and be off for the weekend again.  I will have my Wednesdays off, but I have to work through the next week as the other driver has to go to Chicago to bring a family member here.

it was a good day, but i'm tired and ready to shut it down for the night.  but I just finished eating, and I didn't want to not log the start of this new adventure. should be a short day tomorrow.  I hope it's as full of learning as today was.  thank you, Father, for the transition into what I need. 

ACCESS TO A LIFE

A chapter closed.  yesterday was my last day at work.  I would like to say a lot of things, but I won't.  there's no need.  over the past 2 years I've spoken on all the things that have vexed and plagued me, I've spoken on my love and my hate and my pain and my pleasure.  I've spoken on my losses and my gains.  and now i'm at the end of that road and i'm heading toward a new adventure.  i'm good with it.  I think I am.  i'm sure I am, to be honest.  

but what's it like?  what was the last day like?  would it be surprising to find that it was like so many of the not-last days?  stupidity that masqueraded as someone else's fault?  on my part as well, likely.  it was cold, we ran late, there was a lot of disorder.  no one seems to know that i'm moving on to a new job, and i'm not sure why that news hasn't happened but that's okay.  I've been seen, i'm sure, as rather closed mouthed and difficult to read, and that doesn't need to change.  but I have been invited to the Christmas party, and that's a good notion.  likely won't go though.

went to dinner with Lateashia yesterday, a place where they just keep bringing meat to your table.  it was a nice time, a nice dinner, and I enjoyed myself very much.  just up from the meat coma, trying to get the day shaking.  decided just now against doing laundry today, as i'd rather get some financial matters caught up, get this stuff emailed to Nicole so she can be the newsletter lady and get dinner ready for my child and her menagerie.  

nice to be sitting in my kitchen typing on my laptop.  nice to have this moment of getting some things moving.  thankful to Lamarcus for fixing this beast for me, thankful for the past 2 years, for the friends and love I've found and for the road that now stretches out ahead.  grateful to Jehovah for allowing me to know the abundance of my blessings, and for allowing me to know that i'm blessed far beyond what I may think I know.  okay, time to make the donuts.

Mind of 1000 Pictures

so, what can i say?  a week left, a week at my current job, and then it's off to the next adventure.  and in fine fettle, i decided to bring some people together, to have a dinner on Saturday past, a chance to spend some time with some people from work that i genuinely care about, that precious few.  i am personally convinced it went well, though there may be some contention about that from others.  but i'll get it in from here, because there were no pictures taken that i know of.

start with the fact of being up on Friday night, rolling meat balls and preparing a red sauce for the pasta, which was cooked on Saturday.  this along with some basic cleaning, trying to minimize the detritus so my whole Saturday wouldn't be just cleaning and cooking.  but i did set an alarm for about 6:30am on Saturday, and when i got up i said my prayer, went to get some breakfast and went to the laundrymat.  got my clothes and bath mats washed, waited for the Dollar Tree to open to get some other things i needed for meal service, then i came back home.  i cleaned, i cooked, i put my salad together.  eventually the One Who Shall Not Be Named Here showed up, and we hung out a bit while i finished the last parts of the cooking.  then i went to get ice while she went to get some things she'd wanted to pick up for the gathering.  i made my punch and people started showing up.  Natalie (never mentioned here before, i don't think) showed up with her friend Brandi and not long afterward, everyone else showed up.  we prayed, ate dinner and the young ones played Scrabble while we older 3 watched the television. not long into that time/space continuum, Nat had to split and so did the One, and the Gentry clan followed suit, leaving me here to check my thoughts on everything.  the food was good but simple, everyone had a chance to eat and to relax.  there was a rather abrupt ending to the get together, but there's nothing more really to report on it.  don't know if we'll ever get together to do it again, but it did happen this time and if it does come around ragain it won't be with me employed where i am now. 

had my meeting today, otherwise spent most of the day in bed.  resting, recouping from the dinner.  the meeting was okay, a good number of people there.  went to see my parents, made sure they had food, got myself some dinner, ate it on my way home and now i'm ready to fade.  i'm ready for Monday, as ready as i'm going to be, i suppose.  i am grateful to my Heavenly Father, for bringing me to this day's ending, and may Your will be done. 

Laid-Back Alpha

so anyway, it's Thursday again.  got six more days at PCS, then it's on to the next adventure.  well, that's cool.  i've been trying to busy myself with some activities and shit, but a lot of it is just wishful thinking.  can't really muster up a lot of energy these days.  it's okay.  i'm not in the hurry folks sometimes seem to think i should be in.

what's been going on lately?  well, my mom is at home at the moment, in great pain, having had the 2nd epidural but poorly affected by the anesthesia.  other than having gone to see 'Joker', i've done nothing  else truly social, but i am having a dinner here for some friends on Saturday, which will be different.  going to be a strange dynamic, as i'm having some work friends, a new acquaintance and old, dear friends under one roof.  but i've not really had any company to do anything special with in years, so this should be entertaining under any circumstances.

i've been very angry about my brother's situation, with him raising his daughter's sons but receiving no kind of financial assistance in the doing, with him having his ex-wife living with him and putting him through hell all over again.  its like he believes he's supposed to be punished for his past sins, without the belief system in place that he's forgiven by God if he repents and changes.  but there's nothing i can do about that; he made the decisions to do the things that are happening to him.  i can pray, i can turn it over, and i can talk if he ever wants to talk.  but any actions belong to him, and he's reaching the point now where action of any physical kind has become extraordinarily daunting for him.

that's about the long and the short of it.  going to do some writing.  going to get some rest.  going to work tomorrow and then get ready for Saturday, God willing.  going to try to stay positive about everything, and remember that despite being a laid-back alpha, i wear human skin and do human things.  and that is the reality i have to deal with first, or nothing else really falls into place.  I thank my Father Jehovah for putting that in my mind this morning.  i'm done.

...so yesterday my dad received the honor of a scholarship in his name, for his work with the Ebony Lifeline Support Group and their annual banquet.  I know he's as happy as a clam in a box of shells, and i'm happy for him.  that's him, with the color-coded umbrella, if you couldn't guess.

it's sunday.  it's been a long day, long enough for certain.  i'm ready to get the work week started.  it's my last two weeks where i am; the adventure will continue at another venue, and i'm glad about that.  glad and sad: melancholy.  i have been with my job almost 2 years.  they hired me when no one else was.  i learned about the developmentally disabled community, of which i'd been on the perimeter of but never had viewed it from the inside.  i probably don't have that angle now, but i'm closer than i was and i'm honored that I've been able to see it from at least this perspective.  i've learned a lot, and i've been glad to be able to do so.  but i need to have more time to do the stuff that i have to see through.  and this is not giving me the opportunity to do that.  not to mention, there are some things that are just a bit...unsettling where i am, and have been for many months now, and i would love to be in a healthier environment.  i hate leaving behind the couple of people i truly care about, but i know they won't be there much longer either, and that makes me happy too.

i went to see my mom today, paid her bills for her, typed and printed some things on their computer and went to my meeting.  i came home and ate my lunch, got to work on a soup that i prepped for yesterday and only got to make today, and now i'm going to write a bit on my book before i take my shower.

the weekend has been rather peaceful. and you know, i have no complaints about that.  thank you, Father, and congratulations again, Dad.

Change, Regardless...

So, things are moving. There are some things I will write on tomorrow, but I need some regularity in my habits and this should help.  I apologize for the length of time between posts, as I've said before. But some things clarify themselves after time, and you can reflect on them a bit deeper.

So, I went to lunch with my daughter & grandson. It was very good to see then both, very good to be around him. I didn't hold him, due to. But I enjoyed his company, and he seemed to enjoy mine. He's developing well, and as his mother was at that age, he is very sociable. I can honestly say I'm thankful I was taught to be more open and friendly in my recovery, so I didn't saddle my child with that neurosis of my old self. We had lunch and I went back to work and that was almost the highlight of my week.

I say thay because I didn't get to do much more than work this past week. With my schedule being what it now is, I didn't get to my parent's house, didn't get to counseling, didn't do much of much. And that has been a drag. My mom fell again this week due to the recurrence of her pain I'm sure. Not blaming myself, but I should be able to be there. One of those things you learn: everyone can't make excuses, or nothing gets done at all. So some of my following entry will address that more directly, but that's later.

The company I work for has been bought out by a national corporation, so there are changes coming. I don't know if they'll be beneficial changes or not; only that no matter what anyone ever says, when ownership changes, everything else follows along. I'm not particularly worried, but I'm intersted to see how the rank & file deal with it.

October's nearly done, autumn pastels adorn the landscape, and I'm in Hubbard getting laundry done. I've worked on my living room, I'll finish in there, vacuum my bedroom and go through my mail. By then it'll be time to hit the dealership for my service appointment. First time in my life I've ever had that experience.  Then, home to do a bit more, and on to my dad's thing. For whatever reason, he's getting a scholarship named after him today. I'm always glad for his acknowledgements, but I really don't want to do this football game. I will go to respect my father, though.

Okay, need some breakfast and the clothes are in the dryers now, so on with the day.  I thank you, Father, for life that some people I know are not blessed with this day.

The Hard Things...

it's been a long time now, hasn't it?  it's not a life that's been great, and therefore nothing to write about.  it's been a lack of energy, a low drive to do much of anything, and therefore no writing gets done.  not here anyway.  but i have things going on.  that's life on life's terms, isn't it?

yesterday was a year since my sponsor passed away, since he died.  October 22, 2018.  yesterday his wife, Nancy, put his ashes into the creek.  i went to visit, to be with her while she did it.  i went to visit, to be support, to be supported. sad to say, in this we're practically all either one has, though we both have people who understand, as much as they can.  but the dynamic of who Johnnie L Copeland was is bigger than most people can encapsulate, and there's no point going into it a year later. 

i shared a poem that i wrote, but it's not the heart of my feelings.

In the end of ‘88,

Dying incrementally,

Didn’t mean to make you wait,

Glad that you were there

For me.

Another whole millennium,

How many times around the sun?

And I thought you would never die,

Thought for damn sure 

I’d be the one.

I didn’t have

A single thing,

Afraid to look folks

In the eye,

Twenty and newly

Off the pipe,

Too dumb to live,

Too scared to die,

And there you were,

A strong, black man,

A 3 piece suit

And glasses dark,

No smile, no frown,

Just power contained,

Something in that moment,

A spark,

Around the room,

The voices went,

I never heard

One single word

Until the time came

That you spoke,

Your voice,

And nothing else

Was heard.

Everyone hung

Upon your tone,

Your syllables

Brought order in

And somewhere

In my coke froze mind

I thought,

‘I want to be like him.”

When love’s an action,

Not a word,

Its gravity

Is greater still,

And everything

You’ve given me

Is love

That has not had it's fill,

For love does not need

To defend itself,

That’s one thing

You taught me,

Love is not bound

By death or life,

It goes on

Exponentially.

From when you’d sit

In my folk’s drive

And talk to me

Hours at a time

After meetings,

Making me know

That I was blessed

With a good mind.

When at meetings

I was honored

To be the one

Holding the floor

Knowing that what you

Shared with me

Would accomplish

Changes and more,

I wasn’t one

For the big stage,

I liked the trenches

For my fights

And while most showed

Only disdain

You let me know

That was alright,

But not forever,

Not always,

Just until it was time

To grow,

And when I asked

When would that be,

You’d smile and say,

“I’ll let you know.”

You knew I’d wait

And work

And try my best

To serve the higher cause,

And even when

My faith was shook

And when I chose

To take a pause

You never judged,

You never condemned,

You never sent me away.

You were the one

Who cleared the path,

You were the one

Who helped me stay,

You were the one

Who showed me things,

Like how to walk

And talk, and live.

You were the one

Who showed me

Spirit things were the

Best things to give,

A word of thanks,

A kindness shared,

A laugh, a cigarette,

A talk 

That did not have

A timer set,

A volleyball game,

A brief walk.

A person who would 

Have your back

Regardless what the fools

Pretend,

You were my uncle,

Brother,

Briefly you were my

Father,

But my friend?

Always.

From the very start.

And so much, so goddamned

Much more,

And what can I say now

Except

I understand

What I’m here for…

I wish you could have

Met my grandson,

Wish he could have

Heard your voice,

Wish he’d been blessed

By your wisdom,

But I guess

That leaves no choice

But to make sure

He has that option

By staying true

To the Way,

To the road my feet were placed on,

To the things

You had to say,

For they live 

Inside my spirit,

In my wolf

A lion resides,

And thanks to you

I’m not fearing any 

Human;

I don’t hide.

I make choices,

Live with the results,

Pay my dues

And do my time.

Enjoy what God

Puts before me,

Be it wafer, wine or crime.

I don’t have the luxury

Of belief that

Heaven awaits,

I know there’s a resurrection,

I know that’s the only fate,

I know I’ll see you again,

Maybe a moment, maybe more,

But for the past moments,

I’m grateful,

And that’s what the Program’s for.

Thank you for being

My Sponsor,

And for being

So much more...

i'm not saying it isn't true, but it's not the heart of my feelings about and for this man. 

because when the tape runs back all the way, i only remember being sad and scared.  those two emotions were all i had.

i was scared of people, scared because i'd taken one too many casual daggers along the way, about my weight, about my appearance, one too many daggers that people were always sticking in me.  i'd shut down, and to manage the shutting down, i drank, i smoked reefer, i did cocaine.  whatever it took to numb myself enough that the shutting down would work.  and i was sad because i had no real friends, no self-esteem, no prospect of a life that would be happiness  to live.  when i stood on that bucket in the garage on Gilbert Street in '88, i was trying to kill the need for people, to kill the weariness of struggling so hard to just fit in, of trying so much to not feel anything at all for way too long.

so in the first days of sobriety, all the numbness was gone, and only the fear of people was present.  and this man, this human being, he knew all this, somehow.  he knew it and he responded to it.  he started out our journey by saving my life, and he never stopped saving it. 

there would be days that i couldn't function at all, days where i couldn't leave my parent's basement.  paralyzed and just managing to do the autonomic stuff.  he would come to my parent's house, he would drag me to a meeting, he would make me clean up.  he would make me eat.  he showed me how to go to a restaurant, how to order food, how to sit and be normal. 

i danced because he made me dance.  I sing because he let me know i didn't have to be ashamed of enjoying creating things.  i write because he showed me that i have a right to be whomever i want to be, whatever that might be. 

he was significant in building up the CA 12 step fellowship, not just here but in Ohio period.  he played a part in building up the World Service level, a part i know nothing about.  he was smart, well-spoken, clean, handsome, confident, funny, stern, caring and intuitive.  he cared about people, from the depth of himself he cared about people.  he got no credit for his work, he got no remembrance for the people he's helped.  he got a bunch of betrayals and a bunch of ingratitude.  and in the end, the fellowship he'd worked so hard for for so many years...turned its back on him.  as it always does. 

so how do you put all that into a poem?


i saw my grandson and my daughter for the first time since September yesterday.  i went to lunch with them, i hung for a brief moment.  my grandson is so big now.  he says 'Hi' and 'Hello', he communicates mostly with attempts to communicate, if that makes sense.  it was very emotional for me.  i realize how much missing people affects me.  it's not easy at all.  to try to act like there's not a deficit of souls in my existence, just so i can balance out the sadness and the responsibility, is such an arduous chore.  but you do what you have to do.  in about 3 more weeks, i should be safe; i should be able to hold my grandson again.  and i will.  believe me, i will. 

i have more to say, but not this morning.  maybe tonight.  thank you for waiting for me, though.  i'll try to do better.