...where were we?
oh yeah, Christmas day. and having to tap out. it was necessary, i had nothing left. i was hurting, i was tired, i hadn't slept, i couldn't have told you how anything i'd cooked up to that point actually tasted. i just put it on auto-pilot and tried to get over the ocean. and i made it. and when i got home, i stripped down, got a gatorade and some ice water and laid it down with my urine bottle next to me.
and then came the next chapter: dehydration. i started getting leg cramps. constant and increasing. i was scared. making it home driving was about all i could manage; didn't know if i could make it anywhere else. and, i was trying to fix me by myself, because i had to be at work on the 26th. so, gatorade. milk. still running to the bathroom cause you can't squirt shit into a bottle. until the diarrhea dried up. nothing left to squirt. cramps kept coming. i had eaten breakfast sandwiches on Christmas Eve, bout six-thirty in the morning. had a tiny can of Pringles from the dollar store with the gatorade i bought about 12:30 same day. ate half a peanut butter sandwich & six peanut butter open face crackers for breakfast on Christmas morning. and it was all gone. nothing in the fridge i could eat real quick. had even already polished off my soup from the weekend, my flu fighting soup. so i was in some trouble.
God stepped in. like He does, simply and majestically at the same time.
my friend Matt from the Sunday meeting had been checking up on me, had some cookies his mom wanted me to have. he found i was here with nothing to eat and had his mother fix me a plate. i got the first of his family's christmas dinner, before anyone else got a chance to eat.. she saved my life, literally. turkey and the trimmings. i ate most of it, put some in the fridge, and laid back down. diarrhea returned, but only for a hot second. drinking water, milk from the carton. trying to stave off the cramps. but they came back anyway. now i'm really scared. it's night. Christmas night. i don't know what to do. if i don't make a decision, i'm going to be stuck with whatever's left in the morning. i decide. i call Lonnie; he can take me to the Austintown ER. i call my boss, tell him what's going on. i text Kim at Oak Street Health, tell her what's going on. i text dude from Cleveland, one of our drivers at the center out there, a supervisor, tell him what's going on. Lonnie arrives, we go to the emergency room.
they get me in, get me checked on, vitals and ekg and all that good stuff. pain levels according to me. they do a urine on me, i think. somehow, they come to the conclusion that i am in renal failure and advise checking me into St. E's. i first object. i'm not in renal failure, of course i'm not. but can i be sure? so i say, okay. Lonnie goes home. it's 2am. by 3am, the ambulance has arrived to take me to St. E. they almost drop the gurney. the cot is narrow, i'm really swollen these days, really wide. they get me there at three-thirty. i'm taken to the 8th floor. put in a bed next to a white guy sleep on his side. his belly is huge,, hanging over the bed. his hand is down his pants. i ooomph myself over, keep going, have to pee. feet weren't bothering me too much then. i lay back down. i can't sleep, but eventually i do.
December 26th. 3:30 something in the morning. i've got a fluid bag on. i'm in my clothes, until they give me a robe in exchange for my shirt. my coat is in a bag, and so is my spirit. i don't think i can sleep, but the previous day i've had a total of 600 mgs of gabapentin. at some point in the day, i sleep. can't keep my eyes open at first. remember them taking my blood pressure and nodding with the pulsox on my finger, messing up her test. pressure's high. sugar's high. night nurse, when i came in, doubted the renal failure thing too. thought the dehydration release excessive protein into my urine and blood. made sense to me. still on fluids, being given ice water. breakfast is good. lunch and dinner are okay. Matt comes in, has some books for me, stays for a good while. i'm grateful, because no one else is coming. don't want my parents to come, my brother would come but i'm not asking him to walk the distance just to see me. i'll need him soon enough though. job needs my van key. Rich took his with him when he quit. have to have my brother go to my house and get it out of my car and give to whomever it is that meets him there. so that resolves that. i rest. i eat. i pee a lot. they want me to. i take my meds. i sleep. guy in the next bed gets released. eventually Matt leaves. i turn on Doctor Who. marathon binge-watch until i pass out from time to time during episodes. i don't sleep great, but i sleep.
December 27th. things to think about. told my mom about being in the hospital finally, because i didn't know when i was being released. told her i wanted no one coming to visit me; she interpreted it as tell no one i'm here. but she told my sister. sister calls, says mom's really sad cause i'm here. i call her, learn that she's sad because of Rob, who died. she's sad because Rachel told her, 'accidentally', that i was dealing with cancer. i corrected my mother's thought process and moved on with the day. rests, bloodwork, meds, eat, piss. fluids. texts. thinking, it's Friday. they had me order lunch & dinner. will i get out this weekend? depended on test results. before breakfast came, they informed me i would be discharged that day. no signs of renal failure. only the gout pain has remained, but i'm not staying there for that. i get breakfast, then i get released.
my brother picks me up, takes me home, comes in for a minute and then heads back to his own life. i'm laying down. ankles brittle, broken glass, feet burning blocks of wood. no diarrhea, no flu symptoms overt. i rest. Syd comes through with a plate and bottles of Gatorade. i give her her Christmas present. grandson got his on Christmas. i'm sleeping. i'm waking, in pain. it's Friday, though. informed my boss i would be getting out, would be back to work on Monday. informed the center as well. now the race is on. take my nighttime pills, pass out. Saturday, feeling some better. i eat some breakfast. i do some cleaning, but not all. i roll out briefly, actually make it to get some dinner. i watch some television. i keep it casual. need to finish cleaning but i'll get to that. pain increasing again. need more black cherry juice. Lonnie calls at night, hunting it down for me, drops it off, get to see Josh, first time since game night. lot goin on with them, i say thanks, brought my medicine too, groovy.
on to today. woke up. still limping about. prayed, read my stuff, got a few versed of Luke read. had breakfast, washed dishes. moving slow, shoulda been out early early to hit the laundromat. but can only do what the body say do. get clothes done, sitting in a chair through most of it. place is packed; last minute washing for all. finish, hit my parent's house. pay my mom's bills, talk to my brother, get black eyed peas and neckbones to cook for my father for the first of the year. then it's the meeting. small. hurting, probably the shoes. get home after, talking to some people on my way. i'm tired, i'm hurting, but i got to get some dinner together since i couldn't make a call in the car. cacio e pepe, modified of course. some buttered bread. ice cream for dessert. watch some tv. talk to some people. shave and shower. put clothes on hangers in my front closet here. make my bed, under new comforter. now, i'm going to try to sleep.
will i be pain free in the morning? that's up to Jehovah. I will go to work if i rise with the sun. i will put in an honest day. i will find something for dinner for tomorrow night. all things hinge on Jehovah's will, and so we'll see what the sunrise brings. but that's been my whole so-called 'holiday' season so far. and i am still in great anticipation of the clearer visions that lie ahead. thank you, Father, and good night.
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