It's Wednesday. seven in a god-forsaken morning, apparently. i'm pretty weary, still. but i'm up. I've prayed, I've exercised and read and taken my medication. i'm about to eat something, I guess, gather up my clothes, get one load in the wash and dry. i'm invested in a partial schedule today, but I don't know where exactly that's going to lead me, so i'm just going to play a lot of this by ear, except three o'clock, when I have counseling.
I don't know what's going on with my sleep, as in it's not happening very well right about now. I toss and turn most of the night, most nights. I took a gabapentin last night as I was having a gout/neuropathic flare, but I can't honestly say that the lack of sleep DIDN'T facilitate the flare to create the need for the pill. I have to leave some of that shit alone. 'when you're taking every kind of pill, nothing seems to ever cure your ill'. Parliament, 'Funkentelechy'.
still, they haven't been bad days, just restless, I suppose. but that's not the best state of being for me either. the cold has come, bitter and brittle. the house is cold, and if I turn the heat way up it is stifling. I don't want to get into having an 80 degree heating bill. may have to just invest in more layers of clothes, but I pretty much hate being fully dressed at home. I don't think that's weird; home is where you're supposed to be comfortable, right?
regardless, I have shit to do today. got to pay my primary bills. got to pay some secondary shit as well. got to get clothes washed, got to get things straightened out a bit, as I may have guests this weekend. I got to get some time with my parents. I wanted to go to the movies on my days off, but I don't think that's going to fit in. I will get there, though. maybe sunday, something is going to be sacrificed as far as committed time goes. I need some ME time, and that right soon.
talking to She who Won't be Named here, yesterday. she is upset because she's got an either/or progress choice that she's making, and it is feeling like a loss to her. talking to young people is no longer my forte. it's funny sometimes, how you come to the realization that your thought processes have altered without you knowing it. I don't know how to sit and cluck sympathetically and say 'uh-huh', 'mmhmm', yes, go on, etc. I only know how to speak either what I see when the pieces fall together or what I've experienced in a similar situation. OR, I know how to shut the fuck up. and when someone tells me something about how they are having to sacrifice something they don't want to to get to where they say they want to go, I want to make sense of it, and if I can't, then I want to not be bothered with it. but I have to remember, sometimes being a friend means allowing someone their bullshit. you try to take it from them, because it's the right thing to do. but then you let them have it if they protest, because they have a right to sit in their shit. went through the same thing with my mom yesterday. she hurts, her doctor is not helping her, but she doesn't want to change doctors or be truthful about what's really going on with her. fear of alienating a doctor? I know a lot of the elder generation place great stock in loyalty to individuals. one grocery store, one baker, one brand of car or whatever. but sometimes you have to be willing to at least try something different. and if you're not, then you have a right to your own pain, your own misery, your own bullshit. it's the same as with me. I know people have tried to tell me right things and my ego didn't allow me to respond to them, and they left me where I was until I was ready to get out of my shit. that's life, darlin'.
well, we're going to see. I have been more active, more involved lately. I like it but it's scary too. when you invest more, you stand to lose more, or have more taken away when people decide to fade on you. love is a fucking gamble, and I just don't know if that's what it's supposed to be. but I guess if it wasn't, you'd never feel like a winner when you have it, eh?
thank you, Jehovah, for allowing my mind to process things this morning.
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