so yeah, 8 days ago I wrote something in this Journey. and then I got lost somewhere inside my own life, and I didn't post anything in a week and a day. and I don't know exactly how that happened, but i'm going to get back to it, because I kinda have to, and because it's kind of the right thing to do for myself. right?
well, I know I've hit a point of feeling very shitty lately. and i mean pure physical discomfort, but that does translate into mental and emotional turmoil, sad to say. i don't think it can help it. i think those things just run hand in hand, don't you? but to be honest, sleep has been a concept at best, one that i can't seem to figure out, therefore i am not getting it in in any significant amounts. such as last night, when again i did not sleep at all, watching the hours creep away until i needed to be up for work. there is so much suckage in that, it makes for a fucking miserable day. but i powered through, better than the last time i did this to myself, and what that shows me is I still have the capacity for growth and change. still, it doesn't make it right or better. and what's more, it's tied in to my sense of physical discomfort, which is likely the understatement of the year. this would be the place where you turn away if you are easily grossed out. i don't attempt to make anyone suffer but I have to put this down the way it is. disclaimer has been issued.
lately i've not had very good control of much of my bodily functions. and i don't mean peeing or shitting on myself, though i come close to each of those. i mean, when i pee, it's usually strained. and when i strain to pee, i sometimes have to sit and contemplate a number 2 because it threatens to launch itself forth despite no orders having been issued. the irony there is, when i sit to take a shit, most of the time its very inconsistent, very loose feces, very thick and clingy. i've been upping my bran and fiber intake, trying to make some changes in my bowels. but remember, this is all on the heels of a prostate cancer treatment. so is there some tie-in? is that some kind of indication that the treatment hasn't worked?
in addition, i've noticed lately my urine has a very strong smell. i'd almost be willing to subscribe to a touch of whatever heebie-jeebies are going around right now, but it still concerns me, the timing. and then there's the part where i don't shit at all. where i go for a couple days without a bowel movement, where my stomach is so swollen my pants are tight. and yes, i need to get to the plan, back to exercise, whatever. but i truly have no energy for that shit. the walk i took the other day, just a mile, first time i ever had to stop on the way to rest, chest pounding like a bellows, feeling light headed and weak. first time. when i started walking in the summer, i could walk without stopping. now, my legs swell at night, my body doesn't eliminate waste properly and i have no energy at all most days. this gives me something to tell my doctor when i call to make an appointment tomorrow. yes, i have the willingness to do that. i'm not stupid. i don't just count myself as being weak or fucked up. but it does make me apprehensive. and i won't lie about my emotional content for anyone.
everyone i know is catching a bit of this hell. my brother is worse, my mother is worse, my dad is still paranoid as fuck. but Syd and the grande-monster are doing okay, Deja is still doing his private cooking, and life goes on. so i won't complain. i'll seek answers and i'll strive to get shit taken care of. there's nothing else to do.
having written all that, my plan for tonight is to take a something so i can ensure sleep and to go into sleep and stay there until i wake up and that's all i got. i hope it works. i thank Jehovah for bringing me safely through this day, because i had no personal guarantee from inside that that would happen. i'll hit this tomorrow.
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