ever just feel sick of being sick? I mean, really? not in the context of change, but truly just tired of the feeling of being immunocompromised, over and over throughout the years? I am. i'm tired of sick. i'm tired of medication and achiness, tired of stuffy nose and echoey head, tired of being weak and just trying to find the wherewithal to keep it moving for a few more hours or minutes or days. I am tired of it...yet i'm sick. so there you go. life don't give a fuck what I want or don't want, I get what I get. and that's likely the true theme of this particular entry.
speaking of my energy level is like speaking about my personal belief in dinosaurs and pre-outlined evolution. there's evidence it might once have existed, but again, those bones could mean anything at all. don't judge me. I am cold, but it's cold as fuck outside. I am about to sip on a blend of black tea, green tea, hibiscus tea and generic thera-flu. I ate two burgers for dinner, greedy, to be honest. and I made a small pot of healing soup. but I had no garlic cloves, and can't for the life of me remember when I used them. I had minced garlic, but there's not as much power from the jar. so I had to hope the jalapenos that heated that joker up will suffice for the night sweats I need. my tire is reading low on the dashboard gauge, but I have no idea how much air it needs, so I put some air in and kept it moving for home. best thing to do, I think. i'll take it around to Walmart tomorrow between runs, if such a state exists tomorrow, and have them check it and fill it.
today was about dealing with the terms life put on me today. the morning wasn't bad, the afternoon was a gauntlet that I failed. not with the clients, with staying awoke after the runs were done. I stopped afterwards, got more meds, stuff for this soup and I got home. almost stopped at the food cart, and I feel bad for not stopping. but I did as much damage to myself here as I would have done there, without the fries, I guess. so now i'm going to sip this brew, get myself wrapped in a comforter and hope tomorrow I feel some better.
I've made arrangements for coverage on Monday so I can get to my doctor's appointment. it's going to be one of those long, drawn out days. but it gives me Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off. i'll be at my parent's house on Tuesday and Wednesday, cooking and shit. but still, I can hit this doctor office, see what's going on, and maybe move forward on some things that I've been neglecting. we'll see when that time comes.
meanwhile, i'm exhausted and cold, as stated. i'm going to take my noxious brew into the room and change and wrap up, and try to sink into unconsciousness. regardless of me bitching here, i'm grateful. when you pray to God for strength and you get through the day without folding, you should be grateful that prayer was answered, not rationalize your own superheroic efforts. thank you, Father, for blessing me with the endurance to get to the end of this day. i'm done.
No comments:
Post a Comment