so, I've been coming to some decisions. not decisions to pull my shirt up grandson-style, posing for the cameras. no, I've been thinking about where I truly am at this point in my life, where I want to be, what I want to be doing, and how i'm going to go about getting there. I mean, this is a Journey, and I've been treating it like an Orbit for the last couple of years, haven't I? and that's not cool. not in the least. especially when the thing i'm orbiting is my own oversized ego, and i'm sick of the fucking view, for real.
let's start with today's mindset, but with a very quick update from Friday and Saturday.
Friday, I had counseling. I spoke about some of what i'm feeling, but not in any true depth. I spoke of some jealousy, which is bad enough when connected to who it is connected to. but that's not accurate, not really. it was the easy statement, that kept me from diving down to the deep part of my heart. which I did on Saturday.
yesterday, Saturday...the longest day. the long, drawn out, self-pitying day. and it's not that there was no attempt at a plan of action, nor that there was not any reaching out. I contacted some people, invited them for chili, I reached out to people I hadn't spoken to in quite some time, and I can say honestly I can now see the folly of such actions. 'hindsight is 20/20', after all. one, no one is just going to take a spur of the moment invite for lunch or dinner, unless that's the nature of your interaction with them already. and as far as calling people I usually don't...why would you answer when I never call? but I didn't get all that until the end of the day, to be perfectly honest.
so I fumed. I talked to my son. I decided to look inside, again, for the first REAL time in a long time. and I had to acknowledge some things. like, one, there was no jealousy. it was MISSING someone's company, pure and simple. you don't bug someone when they're on vacation. so you wait, and most of the time, if it's the only regular person in your life, you suffer without them. that's the rules of engagement in this shit. and I did, and i'm glad I did. because if I didn't have any emotion behind their absence, it would really say quite a bit about what I really think about their PRESENCE, wouldn't it? wouldn't really mean much one way or the other. and that's inaccurate. so I miss her. and I faced up to it, and I decided I needed to do something today, Sunday. I needed to do some things for ME. and I need to KEEP doing some things for ME. because I want my life back. AGAIN, I know, but that's what time it is.
so today. Sunday. I took a shower. I got up and prayed and took a shower. I shaved my head. I made myself breakfast. took my meds, read from Matthew, the chapter I'm currently on, and my meditation books online, and I put clothes away. I planned my dinner. I got dressed after I put away the few clothes I had from the wash. I went to my parents after I put gas in my car. I went to the store. I went to my meeting. I went to the Butler Art Museum, saw some of the new exhibits and some of the classics. like that Mellencamp piece on the first floor. I went to get the last of the things I needed from another store, though I forgot dish liquid and deodorant. I came home. talked to my daughter for a long conversation, made my dinner and ate. i'm about to take out a bag of trash after I sweep my floor. I've done my dishes. I got something to watch that's going to carry me into the night. and i'm going to figure what i'm doing tomorrow.
that's short range plan. figure what I want to get done, get it done.
Mid-range plan: i'm going to start working to lose weight.
yes, it seems like my motivation might be skewed, but it's not. it plays into some of the loneliness, but it also plays more into the long range plan. you'll see.
I want to lose 100 pounds by my birthday. give or take a few. as I don't know exactly what I weigh now, but I know I weigh more than I want to. I want to be at, or close to, 300 by my birthday. that means a loss of about 20 pounds a day. on that note, it means no more fast food. PERIOD. no more bread, no more heavy starches, no more of this grab and gobble bullshit. PERIOD. no more sugar and starch desserts. PERIOD. AND IT MEANS EXERCISE. so, since I abused my privilege at the JCC and likely deprived someone else of a membership, i'm going to contact Planet Fitness and get a membership. i'm going to need to accept God's discipline, and someone else's discipline on this level of existence. and it comes down to some simple shit. do I want to be better, feel better, live better? or do I want to die like this? it should be a simple answer, and for once i'm going to try my absolute damndest to keep it simple.
Long-range first plan:
for my birthday, I want to take a trip. me, myself. not a trip with anyone that I miss now. not a trip with anyone I would like to be with. a trip for myself. but I want to go somewhere that has a reputation for friendly people who are glad to engage someone they don't know. not somewhere where the friendliness is a prelude to a mugging. not somewhere where I will be at a disadvantage from not knowing the language or customs. somewhere I can be me, do me, and share me with people that are willing to be, do and share themselves. i'll find a place. I've got five months to search and put money aside.
so, that's my NOW. and i'm going to make myself an egg-nog shake, because tomorrow this Tim is back on the line. and i'm cool with it. we'll work with what we got, and we know it's enough because Jehovah always takes care of providing us with what we need, and we are very grateful for that right now.
i'll keep you posted.
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