Thinking On Some Changes

 i don't know.  it's been a good enough holiday.  it's funny, it came right on the heels of my anniversary this year, but the anniversary didn't mean as much.  my counselor acknowledged it, she remembered, and she always does to my eternal gratitude.  but there are other things that aren't so easy to put in a particular order.  such as, i don't really have a sense of the depression that i usually live under at this time of year.  not exactly.  i've felt pretty even throughout the month.  not overwhelmingly happy, not excessively down, just...okay.  and that's an improvement.  and an unexpected one.  i miss my sponsor still.  i wish he'd been at the anniversary meeting, but he wasn't.  and he's being forgotten deliberately, because he stood for something and his reputation is bigger than most people's reality.  but the event itself wasn't even worth it.  seven, eight people showed up.  a handful of individuals, coming to see what the fools are up to.  and we struggle and stress to get something good together, but after more than 10 years, the hype seems to be gone, at least for me.  i'm okay with it.  too many other things to focus on right now.

thanksgiving was okay.  my daughter and her child and her 'other', and my son had dinner with me, broke bread.  my brother came by later.  i did no cooking for our dinner, only cooked a turkey for my parent's house.  i was okay with that.  i was glad to have my children there.  i'm ready to get through the end of the year.  i don't have any plans.  just keep trying to push through the membrane, try to see what's on the other side. 

there is change happening, change that i want to see happen, change that doesn't care whether i like it or not happening as well.  i'm good either way.  i know i can see the end of the road, at least more clearly than i can see the beginning when i stop and look back.  all i see is road behind me, but there's a shimmer up ahead.  and i want to get to it, as the best me i can be.  i want to know that Tim.  I want TOTI, the Tim on the inside, to know the hidden Tim, i want him to approve of what we can be, buy in so the work we put into our lives can begin in earnest.  i think it's possible, and i think he's starting to get it too.

but, the dark spot.  waiting to get home so i can see if these folks mailed out the check they were supposed to direct-deposit.  bank account unfed.  and it hearkens back to PCS in the first month, not getting my money and feeling like i needed to attack the problem.  this time, though, i only feel like i need to take the appropriate steps and accept Jehovah's will as what the situation calls for.  i am fed by His hand.  i will continue to be fed in such a manner, unless i lose sight of the blessing. 

that's kind of it for now.  that's where the Journey has taken me.  i'm ready to get home.  i'm ready to start the weekend.  thank you, Father, for seeing to my well being, every day.