to start, yesterday was another pain day, but i obviously got through it. work wasn't a bad thing, my cooking dinner for my dad's birthday (and, by proxy, for my parents) went well, and i have my new assignment for monday. things that didn't work out so well, i got an email from eBay saying they were passing on me for the position, and though there is a tinge of disappointment, it's not that heavy. strangely, nothing is right now. not seeing Rachel (probably) in her mom's car wednesday morning, not limping around for about 4 days straight, not the silence here or the lack of anything i really want to do. it's just days of staying a bit ahead of the noise, turning it over to God and trying to be obedient as best i can. and still i didn't log, because after i came back from cooking dinner for them, i was exhausted. heat, humidity, the oven on to bake his potato and to finish his T-bone steak properly. drained me to the core. yet, i didn't sleep as well as i'd have liked to. and life still went on.
today, i woke with no particular place to go, as Chuck Berry sang a lot of years ago. i prayed, my foot was still hurting, i turned on the coffee maker and i got my clothes from the dryer. i had my breakfast, my medicine and readings, though i waited a bit on the scripture. my plan was to clean a bit, grab some things from the store and just let this foot ease up without a bunch of unnecessary stress. but God had other plans for the day.
we'll call her E, because she will have her anonymity, and i don't know her last name. i got a text from her, frantic in its' reading. i responded back, and she said she needed to talk, and before i could format a reply she called. she sounded as if she were losing her grip on things. i tried to talk her down, but it wasn't an over the phone thing. we agreed we'd meet in Mill Park by the lily pond, and i sent our mutual friend a text so as to cover my ass, just in case. a shame that that thinking is required for a 12th step call these days, but i know the America I'm living in. anyway, we met, she was crying, she was pretty much a mess, out of sorts anyway. we talked. i let her talk and i listened. she was pretty fractured, but she got some things out. i shared some things about me and she at least started trying to think in terms of doing what was best for herself, rather than what would make everyone else happy. and she started thinking about what was best for herself at that moment, not for the rest of her life.
in the end, she decided to go to a meeting. and she and her fiancee came, and they sat through the whole thing and she was speaking to a young female when i left, which was the best thing that could have happened. and then i made my way home.
saturdays are funny. when you're not working, they don't mean much; they mean pretty much that the people who you usually can't access monday through friday are available to you. but when you're working m-f, they are the only real day off that you have. by which i mean, i work Friday, so my weekend doesn't start until about 4pm on Friday, which is the end of a day far as i'm concerned. on sunday, i am throughout the day mentally and physically preparing for work on Monday, and that dominates my day. because if i don't, then it will be a stressful beginning to the work week. so, my only free-and-clear day off, nothing from waking to sleeping, is Saturday. but i had more to do. because when you work your 3rd step, when you turn it over to your God, the ride ends when you get where God wants you to be. so i ended up at my dad's meeting, giving a lead, because his chairperson's lead cancelled and they didn't have a replacement. i honestly did not want to do it, but that's not how it works. and i'm not one of those who now, or probably ever, believes 'you can't say "NO" to the program'. you can say NO to anything or anyone that isn't rolling in your direction, so to speak. but when God is driving and says, 'This is your destination, isn't it?', it's best to just say Yes. because when a blessing stops because you put your self-will in the way of it, that's usually the equivalent of a spiritual car-wreck. and i'm not desirous of that. so i gave a lead. i had to deal with some individuals that i didn't really want to see. i made it home, finally. talked to Lonnie, called Yvette again with no answer, ate some cereal and laid it down.
it was a good day. a recovery day in the way i grew up in this program. and i am thankful to the core that Jehovah blessed me with the opportunities i had today. they don't come often anymore, and when they do, i'm real good with just taking it in, learning what's there to learn, sharing what i've been given and leaving it there to move on to the next day.
The Dining Room
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