it will be a combination sort of post...the two pictures will be explained.
yesterday was rough. i don't know exactly why. it was a day when i really just didn't feel like doing the basic shit. you know, going to work, getting out of bed...maybe even living, though i can't say that for certain, but i won't leave it out as my mind has been drifting through non-existence lately. but, as has been the habit lately, i got up, did the do, and got to work, and it wasn't a bad work day. even saw Syd and LZ and Joe, and spent time with my mom, helped my dad out with some currency (early rent to avoid a repayment), and took myself to dinner. but i was miserable through most of the day, even with the pain lessening and the counseling session. it is a year, i've cut off the FB visuals of Rachel, and i'm not feeling more sociable. by the end of the day, i was passed out, feeling bloated, useless, ugly and sad. full fucking circle, i guess. but things were working themselves out somewhat in my head. and i say that a lot, so don't take it as a conclusion (he says, as if someone were actually reading this nonsense). it just means that way is still leading on to way.
like Lonnie telling me i should check out the Ren faire he and his family were going to, and Syd asking me to go for a walk in the park with her and the baby, and me being willing to do both but not feeling either. like with those, i had to start to look more closely at me, and what i'm doing and not doing, and ask the real hard question, which is, "What the fuck is the matter with you?" and the only answer to that is i'm lonely, and i'm bored, and i feel sad. so today, i decided to do some things that i needed to do anyway.
like, i thought about laying in this bed. i'm here now, but i haven't been in it the entire day and that's progress. anyway, i got this bed in August or September of last year. when i got it, we tried to put it upstairs in a bedroom but it was too big, being a queen sized and all that. so i put it in the front room. had a fitted sheet from Colonial, had a comforter, the only one left from the apartment, had some pillows from my parent's attic. i got two more pillows. cleaned the bed that was already upstairs and fixed up a guest room there. okay? so, i've had the same fitted sheet, comforter and pillow cases on this bed for a year about now. and i come in the house, and i change into shorts, and i put on house shoes, and i make some food, and i eat and then i climb into the same bed, in the same room i walk in on, as if my life has just been a breezeway to nowhere in particular. so i thought, why haven't you changed the linen yet? so i went to Big Lots and bought a bed in a bag set, and when from image one to image two. and it makes me feel a little lighter, to be honest.
i mean, i got up, i prayed and read and medicated and ate and got out the house. i cleaned and vacuumed and i changed to all new linen. i took myself to Red Lobster again (still got funds on the gift card) and went to Sparkles and got some fish for dinner tomorrow and a few other odds and ends. and i tried to watch a movie, but that's still a bit much for me to do solo. so, i did some things, and i got some things, and i changed some things. and i am blessed to be able to do so and appreciative of the friendship that suggests some of these things and the spiritual guidance that makes me see the merit in them, and i thank Jehovah for today, as a good day and a good lesson. now to log at the Dining Room and i'm done for the day.
No comments:
Post a Comment