well, it's done. i've finished my helmsmanship over the route that i had been running for about the past month. it is a day of saying good-bye, but at least i got the chance to do so this time. it is nice to know that you mean something to the people you see every day, developmentally disabled or not. they are people with feelings, choices and individual personalities. i am honored to have been a part of their lives, and i am sad to have to move on.
as i was saying earlier, or yesterday perhaps, i have been feeling pretty fucking punk lately. i've been eating like i have no business eating, hurting inside in some vague way and trying to just keep putting the left in front of the right, reverse and repeat, to get from the sunrise to the sunset. it's not like i have accomplished a whole lot, but you take the victories you can, like not killing yourself, like making it to work on time and all week, like paying the bills. you take what is there, like sex with a friend, and you let it go when it becomes clear that you are doing more harm than good, and that's a victory as well. i have been looking at me and being honest, just haven't been moving on the change that i need to move on.
i talked to VF today, about the notion of things being a 'movement', like the 'Me, Too' movement or the 'Black Lives Matter' movement. i have found very little that i can truly endorse in either of those or any of the many others today. an exception, strangely, would have been the Tea Party movement, which, while vile, evil, despicable and misdirected, actually took definitive and discernible action to bring about their desired agenda. not just holding up signs and not just doing high profile shit. they got out on the grassroots level and slung all the hate and shit they could, and turned the entire county their way. that's a movement. it's what it takes; the willingness to do anything to achieve your goal, and the force to keep your legs moving for all the yards you might be able to steal.
i say that to say i have found very little movement in my own life. i've been doing the daily shit, but as far as really opening up and allowing the flow of creativity or desire to run through me? nope. i am still in the process of hating the lack of her, and of wondering if i should even bother to invest in someone else again, or anything else for that matter. it would be nice to connect to something. but i'm blessed. the weather has cooled, i have been paid, and i have supplies enough. i can't really ask for more than that.
so when i got up this morning, i just started moving. i prayed and i got coffee started. i read and took my medicine and i had the rest of yesterday's sandwich for breakfast. i got my ass out the door after i got the paperwork for my medical assistance printed and i went to work. got there on time too. i got the day started, picked up my clients and got them to work. i didn't go to my parent's didn't get to Syd's either. i went to counseling, talked things over with VF, not too heavy but still clarifying. i went to lunch with Lonnie. i talked to him about some serious things. i went back to work. and that's when the heaviness started.
to be continued...
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