Principles

another weekend gone, another week begun.  it wasn't the worst weekend i can remember.  perspective is important.  weekends of living on the street, hungry for 'crack', not eating, not bathing, without any financial recourse but whatever garbage someone might choose to dole out to me, wanting to die, wanting to be done with a miserable existence after indulging in it only 2 decades...much worse weekends than this.

but after 3 more decades, weariness cannot be hidden so easily.  bad news has weight, gravity.  the attraction toward the obits and the sheriff's department inmate list is strong.  a stoicism to hide the depth of concern about family members showing pain and discomfort becomes an absolute necessity.  and thoughts of dying return, settle in to their new place at the table.  not the old one where death thoughts were at the forefront of everything; a more reasonable place, fourth from the head, having a conversation with the muse and musical sensibility, i suppose. 

anyway, Sunday.  did i do anything important?  i made a new flyer for an ad for Totems and Spells, did it on my failing Chromebook, it looks kind of nice, to be honest.

i prayed, i went to my meeting.  i didn't talk to them about my sponsor, because they haven't yet called to see how he's doing.  i barely keep track myself, but we've all sat around the tables, we've all broken bread together.  it is the new generation of 'recovering' people, and it is what will populate meetings in the next couple decades.  i doubt i'll continue to be a part of it once my sponsor is no longer in this reality, but God's will will be done, not mine.

I went to my parent's house.  my mother called me, saying she needed my help.  my dad brought groceries and she wasn't able to get them put away.  she pulls things out to make room, then loses track of where she is and pulls out more things.  what really needs to happen is the kitchen needs to be cleaned out, stripped down to the necessities, and maintained at that level.  but a lifetime of accumulating things dictates the willingness (or lack) to dispose of the unnecessary things later.  i put the food and other clutter away, fixed them burgers and fries for dinner and made my way home. 

with the discovery that it's been just about a year since Rachel and i parted ways, i got a better sense of what these blues have been lately.  i can't help that my body stores strong emotion like seasonal fashion, to be brought out annually when the weather changes.  but realizing that it happens makes it something that can be dealt with.  so i came home, i made myself some dinner and i relaxed, to get ready for this day. 

a new person at the meetings, her name is Julie, she's from Columbus apparently.  she had her hands wrapped in Ace bandages, and she is living at the Rescue Mission.  she says she hasn't eaten in 5 days, and that she had 69 days clean.  she says she had triplets, but two of them died somehow and she kind of lost her mind at that point.  i gave her a ride to Fellowship hall after the meeting, but didn't get her anything to eat as i really had no sense of one thing or another in conjunction to her, except that she was looking for someone to take care of her beyond those parameters and i am not that individual any longer.  funny how you can look back and clearly see the change from what you used to be to what you are now. 

gotta log the food, then it's time to go to work.  see you at the Dining Room.  thank you, Father, for the time to write and the life to live.