...so traumatized...

at times, i am as solid a person as can be.  i mean, i've worked hard, by God's grace, to shape up and shore up some of my more glaring weak areas.  i've tried to overcome some of my complete voided spots, where no person or personality could be found in me.  by God's grace, again, because of myself i am flawed and pretty content with myself as a flawed creature.  but knowing that my commission as a recovering addict is to affect change in lives, to some extent to help save them, i knew just being the asshole i consistently was was not good enough.  and i was brought to change, and some i went to willingly and a lot i kicked and screamed and whined and cajoled and puled, but i changed in the end, and i am proud of that.

some things, however, are just a little beyond me, and that's got to be okay too, i suppose.

today was a pretty good day.  i got up on time, said my prayers and got my day started, slowly but surely.  i decided on oat meal for breakfast, and as my water was boiling i read and took medicines and then i made my oat meal and ate while i read scriptures.  i took a shower and shaved, went upstairs to get clothes and get dressed, lotioned and deodorized and gathered trash and took it out to the can and boogied on down the road to work. 

i got there and decided to leave a bit early, to try to duplicate the run from yesterday that gave me a bit of a cushion to get both the morning clients in a timely fashion.  it worked, the morning run went smoothly and i got them to the workshop and got back to base.  i went to the store, got stuff to make dinner for my parents and for Syd and Joe over here, as they were coming by today. 

coming to the trauma now.

Joe was coming by to replace the igniter in my stove. he got it done, and found a mouse nest under the stove.  now, i've never seen an actual mouse nest before.  i have a thing about me, that i've never really spoken about in detail.  there are certain things that really, REALLY freak me out, i guess because to me there is nothing natural about them, there is something sort of ethereal about them.  like wood that a worm has crawled through and left it's impression within the wood.  that makes me feel nauseous. well, this small bundle of fiber had a similar effect on me.  i just felt...disgusted, beyond my ability at that time to put into words.

so imagine that feeling amplified to the nth degree by watching him lift the hood of top of the stove to find a mouse nest that filled the entire space of the stove top.  GAH...

i know.  i'm being a baby.  but it's something on a primal level, i guess.  i'm not sure if i'll be able to sleep tonight.  i'm not sure if i'll be able to cook until i get another stove.  the nest, or something, has damaged the burner eyes, or has extinguished the pilot beneath the hood, and i'm not going back under there.  bad enough when Joe opened the damned thing. 

i am so weird sometimes. 

anyway, it was a nice visit, dinner was fine, i guess, and i'm ready to try to get whatever sleep i can.  thank you, Jehovah, for a day of learning...