i found this meme (i guess they're all called 'memes' now) on Tumblr, and it resonated with me for a number of reasons. what it mostly says is i don't have to continue on any further than i may choose to; that's freedom for me as a result of bearing this emptiness i feel. but, i know people aren't going to get that. we live in a talking society. people speak from wishes rather than wisdom, from expressed fantasy rather than experience. and it leaves only confusion in it's wake. let me be clear; i would rather not have the emptiness, nor the need to bear it. i am accustomed to living alone now, but i would love to have a person in my life. that's not a lie nor is it something i consider a liability. i am okay doing what i do. i'd be okay doing it with someone else too.
anyway...
yesterday was fine. i was up and moving pretty well. i'd taken a shower the night before, so i was already in motion with my feet on the floor. after prayer, meds and meditations. i didn't eat breakfast at home, as i had plans to go to my parents house. i went to work, did my pre-check, saw some of the people i enjoy seeing for the most part and got on with the day. did my pick-ups and drop offs and brought my stuff back to the shop and went to my parent's house.
my mom was still sleep when i got there, slept a good portion of the time while i made coffee and was cooking as well. admittedly, i went and checked to make sure she was still breathing. she was, and she woke eventually. i ate, made breakfast for my parents and i took a nap trying to watch television. i got back to work early, ate my lunch in the parking lot, went inside and then took a chair out back as a woman who still annoys me to no end was beginning her routine. i did the end runs, again no problem, left for the day, came home rather than going to the store. i had decided on a small pizza for dinner and had everything i needed here.
i cooked, ate, read some scripture while i ate, and i chilled for the rest of the night. i looked up some directions that i need for today's run, a new client that i'm going to have to pick up starting monday.
i am leaving things in Jehovah's hands. i think the gig at Ebay is going to happen, but i can't say for sure. i don't mind the driving anymore, but i also have to consider the necessities of getting this house together, the funds that i'll need to do that, the winter that will be here soon enough. to work from home and do so successfully, that would be an accomplishment and a resolved question mark from last year. but i think about that meme...am i free? am i free from need? my needs are met, that's for sure. am i free from want? is that even possible while breathing? i believe i have exactly what i am supposed to have at this moment. i believe i am well cared for and loved by my family and my Father. and i believe that i am able to be of some benefit to the world i occupy. i don't know that i need any more freedom than that right now. but we'll see what is coming down the road today.
thank you, Jehovah, for the blessing of breath today.
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