i'm trying. really hard right now. and Jehovah has a way of making me re-think my rantings, my ramblings, for which i am actually truly grateful. what a difference a day makes...
today was taxing, trying and satisfying in some way. i got up in pain, but that's not a new thing anymore. i was struggling to get moving, feeling more like, 'why fucking bother?', but something in me started cussing me out and telling me to fuck all this self-pity bullshit. so i got to moving hard, like, damn the pain, damn the limping, and i got moving and got to the kitchen and the bathroom. i went downstairs and got my clothes from the dryer, i got my books read and my medicines taken, and i got my breakfast down and lunch made. got clothes folded and in the basket, and i got my shit out the door in a timely fashion, doing okay too.
then the day started. the girl who just grates against my nerves like a box grater across the surface of a brick of parmesan just wouldn't shut up, so i did my inspection on my bus early and stayed outside until it was time to roll out. pick ups went okay until i got to the last one, my trouble-child, who got on the bus limping with one slide-on on his foot, his other foot bare and a toenail missing on his big toe. i took him and the other two to their workshops, and i went and told my employer that she'd need to do something about it, because i wasn't going to get into some liability issue because the family wasn't dealing with him with any real sense of responsibility. that brought me down, but i was heading home anyway. i got here, took a prednisone and laid down for a couple hours, then i had lunch and Syd called. she talked about leaving Joe (again), and asked for my opinion or suggestions, which i shared the latter and my perspective, which i knew meant practically nothing. that depressed me too, but i kept it moving, got my ass dressed and back out the door.
the second half of the day was okay, got everyone home safely, got back to the shop and left my keys and paperwork, and i came home. i made my dinner (ate lunch at home), talked to Lonnie briefly, ate and have been chilling since.
i'm trying to keep a good perspective on myself. talking to Syd, i came to a conclusion that perhaps, PERHAPS mind you, Jehovah is showing me what i'm supposed to do. the way i'm feeling, the way i carry on, the eBay thing passing me over, maybe it's because it's likely that Syd and the baby will end up here, and i need my situation to be just what it is for that occasion. maybe, i'm saying. i don't know, and i don't assume to know God's will for me. but i know i am where i am, and things happen for a reason, and all i can do is be still and allow myself to be a vessel. that's the best life there is, in my experience, and i am so glad that i get reminders of that. Thank you, Father, and i am going to update at the Dining Table and get some sleep.
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