i'm not doing too well at the moment. i'm sorry to have to say that, but i have to be honest. the title of this comes from a popular Funkadelic song, 'One Nation Under A Groove', and it's where i need to be right now. i feel everything is too much at this moment. i must be sane, as i'm still observing my qualifiers, like 'at this moment; at the moment'. it may pass, but it hasn't for months now.
i'll document the day. it's five o'clock, so i have time and i'm awake. i got up after a good sleep. i'd taken a prednisone yesterday, as the pain that has been with me all last week was resurfacing after less than a day of relief. i slept deeply, in fact...Lonnie had called me yesterday and i was surprised to find that i was asleep at all. and then i faded right back into the sleep, but i did turn on a binaural video and i woke about 330 again. i said my prayer and got my ass out the bed. i took my insulin and pills, read my meditation books and ate while reading my scriptures, same as always. then i got a load of clothes into the washer after i got dressed, i gathered trash to take one more back out before putting the can on the curb, i got the meeting stuff together and i made my way to work.
not a particularly hard day, though i was aware starting out my foot was beginning to throb again. but i was determined to get through this day. one of my riders was not with us, doctor's appointment, so i should have finished up the morning runs early, but i never got a call about him not riding, so i spent more time at his house than i should have. i did get it done, got the clients i had to their workshop, got back to the shop and got to my parent's house.
my mom was sleep when i got in, i didn't want to disturb her. i made her a pot of coffee, got some tea for myself. she woke, and we talked a bit, but i was short with her, partly how i was feeling, partly because she was digging for information she didn't have to dig for. i told her i was doing all right, regardless of what she thought she perceived. i told her the baby was doing okay. i told her it didn't matter how long i was there before she woke up. i nodded briefly, then i went to my meeting.
my irritability was growing. i was short with some new women at the meeting, though they were talking about conditional amend-making and i addressed the danger of what they spoke on. i left the meeting early and went back to work.
the second half, i noticed something i've been noticing with myself lately...i was feeling very sad, almost constantly. as in, it's beneath the surface of my skin, it's below my features always. old songs attached to old loves. memories of things that will not come this way again. still in that year of passing off a relationship that i'd wanted more than most. alone in this house. i do nothing but fuck around on facebook and other useless sights. no calls except YW and Lonnie. yes, self-pity, i acknowledge that. but every day, i try to count my blessings. every day i pray. every day i read and try to get out of myself. and all it seems to bring is further feelings of despondency. and of course, i could ask for a prescription and just hide from whatever is going on inside me. but i'm not. i'm seeing the rolling of the credits now, and i don't know whether it's the beginning of a new film or the end of the same old fucking story. can't tell.
anyway, add to that my washer's spin and drain cycle just broke. Today. with a load in the washer. Submerged in laundry water all day in a dank basement. aye. tub leaking. mouse nest, burners not working, groundhogs, poison ivy encasing the entire garage, car needing work, and now the washer not working.
i'm tired.
i'm tired.
i don't even know if i'm grateful today. i'm just tired.
and i need a break. from this pain, from these details, a moment to fucking breathe, to scream, to something.
i don't know, Father.
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