first, i am grateful to Jehovah God for my life. i am grateful that i have a life, that i am able to ambulate and cogitate and masticate and verbalize and hypothesize, because there are so many who can't, and so very many more who simply don't. i am grateful because i have all i need, and i have things that i want, and i know the difference today, when i didn't use to.
i have been working, and i've been losing myself in the illusion that work and home is sufficient, when it likely isn't. it is fine from a NEED standpoint, as in, i have shelter, i have a bed, i have a freezer for food, a stove to cook it on, water to wash my ass, clothes to put on my cleaned ass, and so on. but sometimes, WANT is not unrelated to need; sometimes, in fact, want is cojoined to need and to neglect some WANT is to make NEED carry an unnecessary burden. i'll have to remember that, as it rings true and it is clever.
for instance, i have DELETED two of my old FB accounts, where i was connected with Rachel. not DeActivated, DELETED. at least, they will be after the 15 day 'You'll change your mind, asshole' period is over. and my life, as it has for the past year, goes on. it's been a year now...IT'S BEEN A YEAR NOW. and there you go. the heaviness, the blues, the sad, lethargic going through some motions. echo of grieving, depression in its own season. thank you, Father.
anyway, deleted accounts, and that leaves the void that was there all along. and though all NEEDs are met in the void, it leaves a lack of friends, of company, of conversation, of touch, of intimacy, of learning from other human experience. it creates a bonding with others who may not be the best candidates for my time and particularities, not saying that arrogantly, but a cook does better with cooks as friends than anorexics, i'd think. i considered making a fruit salad for work for tomorrow...FRUIT SALAD. for what? for people who still barely speak to me? for the insanity that effuses and throbs like poisonous, unformed life? but in the absence of friends, you create a bond with whatever's at hand, or you go deeper to ground. i think i'm doing both simultaneously.
so, my sponsor is worse. i think. spiritually, he is presenting a fine exterior, but his doctor's have told him he has about 6 more months of life. i am sad beyond belief at the moment. i am running through memories like old VHS tapes, and it is just one more thing that i have to process in motion, but that means nothing compared to a man who has helped so many individuals sitting in the home of his aspirations to be a man, an equal in a society that wanted him subservient, surrounded by his flowers and plants that he's always loved, on oxygen 24/7, with a surgical mask always present because he needs to keep as much oxygen in his body as possible and the mask helps with the hoses, having faith but disconnecting slowly from this reality. it is a sad thing.
i go for my biopsy on the 9th. i've seen my friend as compromised as he could possibly be by the removal of his prostate, and i have no real issue with the lack of an erection, should it come to that. i may not even have an issue with the incontinence issue. but to be incapacitated by the healing pain and to have no one to help me do the basic shit that i have to get done...that is a daunting thought. i am glad that my grandson is born and i've had the opportunity to meet him and offer a blessing on his behalf, as i may not wish to go much further should that turn out to be the case. and yet, my friend who had his own prostate removed says that if worst comes to worst, i can just stay with them while i convalesce. so there is always the need to look accurately at what you've been given, because God provides, if one's eyes are open enough to behold His provisions.
i don't know what today brings just yet, other than my prayer which i've prayed. i only know it's time to get this day started, and so i shall. i'll get back to this later, and again, thank you, Jehovah, for the insight and the love.
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