,,,end of the day...

the day is closing now.  it's been a rough but fulfilling sort of day.  it has had some very pronounced lows, and some significant ups.  and i think i killed a bluebird, so there's that also.

from where i left off earlier, i took Syd and LZ to the doctor (10lbs, 9oz, and a booster shot), and i got some fish tacos and went back to work.  the end of the day was fine, no incidents today (yesterday, when i was letting my interesting and strange client off the bus, he threw a brick and a gas can at the bus, having been angered, and possibly triggered by me, en route by me asking if he were dismantling the bus).  i got the bus filled up for tomorrow, got my paperwork put away and went to my parent's house to see what was going on with my mom unable to access her bank account and see about borrowing her car on Friday to go to Columbus.  after that, i went to Sav-a-Lot and came home, made myself some dinner, put dishes away and ate.  now i'm pondering the reality of going to shave and shower, get my ass in gear for starting the work day tomorrow.  i need to get a load of clothes done, need to get to my meeting, need to gather things for Friday.  i'm definitely going; already have my room reserved, and i guess i can rent a car if i have to.  but i don't want to do that.  bad enough going to my former home city to a hotel room, but in a rental car?  that would be a business trip, or something shady in a strange city.  but i guess in it's own way Columbus is a strange city now. 

funny to think summer is going to wind down soon.  winter will come.  the snow will fall, and this year i'll be a driver, not an aide. i'll be more responsible for safety and care.  but it's just phases of existence, isn't it?  tomorrow will be a new day, a new month, and the hint of the new season will be prevalent through both summer's tenacity and the shortening of daylight.  and most will be completely oblivious until it's obvious that summer is gone.  should i be the one thinking about it?  should anyone?

i thank my God and Creator for the day, for the cessation of pain and for my friend having a better day.  and i ask for intervention on behalf of LH as she is now in the hospital. 

mid-day reflecting

the year is more than half over now, just realized it.  it's almost August.  seven months in.  i'm at home, waiting to take Syd and LZ to a doctor's appointment.  i've made what arrangements i can as far as traveling to Columbus this weekend, i've made a doctor's appointment and called in refills on my existing prescriptions.  the first part of the day is done and the second shouldn't be a hassle. 

across the street a baby is screaming, which is how she cries.  i would go pretty insane, internally anyway, if i had to listen to that all day again, but i did listen to it once upon a time and i didn't go any more insane than i already was at that time.  humans are far more resilient than we realize...and far less too.

i didn't log yesterday, so this is catching up thus far, because it bears recording.  i woke in some pain yesterday, as a monday.  spent the night on the phone with a lady from California, which was nice but it reminded me that i'm getting old.  not enough sleep, and the morning was sort of a hazy blur in which i got my first runs out the way and made my way to my parent's house. 

found out my mom had a bad fall while she was out of town with her sisters, and her head and back were still hurting.  after she visited with two of her brothers and a friend from the Hall, i had her call her doctor so she could set an appointment if need be.  she says today her head isn't hurting, so that is a good thing anyway.  i ate my lunch and went back to work from there. 

a hit of irony; before i left the work place, i had a note on my time card to call one of the client's SSA, a client that i'd had some issues with recently as far as him not having on two shoes, and that i worry about him a lot.  but i knew i shouldn't have to speak to anyone's SSA, that should be on the operations director.  but i waited, and the woman came, and she was referring to an incident that had happened when i wasn't driving this client, the second in command was.  so i nudged her in that direction and went on about my business. 

WELL.  on the second run, this particular client acts out In Almost The Exact Same WAY as he did with the second in command.  and i have to fill out an incident report and speak to his father about what was going on (again, not really my responsibility, but okay).  this will likely result in ANOTHER visit from the SSA but i would love to address some other things at that time.  regardless, that was how the work day went. 

my right foot was flaring up by that time, so i went to Aldi's, got some things i needed, came home, put together leftovers and ate, and was passing out in pain throughout the rest of the night.  not fun, not exciting, just facts. 

oh, and i made my reservation for a room for this weekend in Columbus.  so there's that too. 

i am grateful, i have survived the month of July, and i give thanks to Jehovah for that. 

a song to write, but not to sing...

how far we've come, how much is gone now.  it's not the worst thing i've encountered in this life.  maybe that's the problem sometimes; there's an actual scale in place, bad things, worse things, not so bad things.  wish i had less perspective and more friends.  but that's not really the issue, and if there is one, it's not pertinent this day.

i got up today, cool night and slow motion.  i said my prayer, got in gear and went to the kitchen to get some heated coffee, take my meds, read and ready myself for the day.  it wasn't a bad start, and i had plans to get out of this house today.  a continuation from yesterday, i gather. 

i did get going, pretty much on schedule, and called Lonnie on my way to the flea market on Jacobs.  he met me there after a bit,  and i got some fruit and some veggies, and i walked for a good while and i talked to some people and i got some sun.  i got OUT, in other words, and it felt pretty good, i admit.  we went to unload some yoga mats from his car at YSU but he didn't have his key so we went to brunch at What's Cookin' on South Ave.  i went to my meeting after that, came home, put some things away and i cooked and ate my dinner.  now, the kitchen is restored, i'm due for a shave and shower and it's almost time to get ready for tomorrow.  my lunch is by and large made, and there's not much more for me to do or commit brain energy to right now.  so i've been laying down, fucking around on FB, thinking about a year passing, about Rachel living her life, about whatever is in the future for me.  i've been thinking about whether i need to stay here or go somewhere else.  and by that i mean this city, this state, whatever you want to ponder on it.

i have nothing much left to offer here, and i'm sure i've nothing left to do.  Timothy, my grandson, is a reason, but i have a suspicion i'm going to just end up running interference in the drama his parents keep between them.  my parents are a reason, but i can't let that be my main motivation.  i'm not especially happy, but when the hell have i ever been?  i just have to take things one day at a time and be content to be in God's will.  because that's the reality of my life.  i can't make it into something that it's not.

anyway, i finished the lyrics to the song i wanted to work on, but my music phone is locked on a useless screen and i haven't worked out the melody just yet.  but it was writing.  and the bedding is different.  and i got out the house.  so, thank you, Father, for bringing about some much needed change over the past 48 hours. 

Still Working On It...

 

well.  it's saturday.  i think i'm out of emotional energy, but that's okay.  i've done some things today, and i've learned some things today, and maybe that's all the day was supposed to be.  i don't think i wrote yesterday, so let's play a bit of catch up, okay?

it will be a combination sort of post...the two pictures will be explained.

yesterday was rough.  i don't know exactly why.  it was a day when i really just didn't feel like doing the basic shit.  you know, going to work, getting out of bed...maybe even living, though i can't say that for certain, but i won't leave it out as my mind has been drifting through non-existence lately.  but, as has been the habit lately, i got up, did the do, and got to work, and it wasn't a bad work day.  even saw Syd and LZ and Joe, and spent time with my mom, helped my dad out with some currency (early rent to avoid a repayment), and took myself to dinner.  but i was miserable through most of the day, even with the pain lessening and the counseling session.  it is a year, i've cut off the FB visuals of Rachel, and i'm not feeling more sociable.  by the end of the day, i was passed out, feeling bloated, useless, ugly and sad.  full fucking circle, i guess.  but things were working themselves out somewhat in my head.  and i say that a lot, so don't take it as a conclusion (he says, as if someone were actually reading this nonsense).  it just means that way is still leading on to way. 

like Lonnie telling me i should check out the Ren faire he and his family were going to, and Syd asking me to go for a walk in the park with her and the baby, and me being willing to do both but not feeling either.  like with those, i had to start to look more closely at me, and what i'm doing and not doing, and ask the real hard question, which is, "What the fuck is the matter with you?"  and the only answer to that is i'm lonely, and i'm bored, and i feel sad.  so today, i decided to do some things that i needed to do anyway.

like, i thought about laying in this bed.  i'm here now, but i haven't been in it the entire day and that's progress.  anyway, i got this bed in August or September of last year.  when i got it, we tried to put it upstairs in a bedroom but it was too big, being a queen sized and all that.  so i put it in the front room.  had a fitted sheet from Colonial, had a comforter, the only one left from the apartment, had some pillows from my parent's attic.  i got two more pillows.  cleaned the bed that was already upstairs and fixed up a guest room there.  okay?  so, i've had the same fitted sheet, comforter and pillow cases on this bed for a year about now.  and i come in the house, and i change into shorts, and i put on house shoes, and i make some food, and i eat and then i climb into the same bed, in the same room i walk in on, as if my life has just been a breezeway to nowhere in particular.  so i thought, why haven't you changed the linen yet?  so i went to Big Lots and bought a bed in a bag set, and when from image one to image two.  and it makes me feel a little lighter, to be honest. 

i mean, i got up, i prayed and read and medicated and ate and got out the house.  i cleaned and vacuumed and i changed to all new linen.  i took myself to Red Lobster again (still got funds on the gift card) and went to Sparkles and got some fish for dinner tomorrow and a few other odds and ends.  and i tried to watch a movie, but that's still a bit much for me to do solo.  so, i did some things, and i got some things, and i changed some things.  and i am blessed to be able to do so and appreciative of the friendship that suggests some of these things and the spiritual guidance that makes me see the merit in them, and i thank Jehovah for today, as a good day and a good lesson.  now to log at the Dining Room and i'm done for the day. 

...for me to stay here I got to be me...

i'm trying.  really hard right now.  and Jehovah has a way of making me re-think my rantings, my ramblings, for which i am actually truly grateful.  what a difference a day makes...

today was taxing, trying and satisfying in some way.  i got up in pain, but that's not a new thing anymore.  i was struggling to get moving, feeling more like, 'why fucking bother?', but something in me started cussing me out and telling me to fuck all this self-pity bullshit.  so i got to moving hard, like, damn the pain, damn the limping, and i got moving and got to the kitchen and the bathroom.  i went downstairs and got my clothes from the dryer, i got my books read and my medicines taken, and i got my breakfast down and lunch made.  got clothes folded and in the basket, and i got my shit out the door in a timely fashion, doing okay too.  

then the day started. the girl who just grates against my nerves like a box grater across the surface of a brick of parmesan just wouldn't shut up, so i did my inspection on my bus early and stayed outside until it was time to roll out.  pick ups went okay until i got to the last one, my trouble-child, who got on the bus limping with one slide-on on his foot, his other foot bare and a toenail missing on his big toe.  i took him and the other two to their workshops, and i went and told my employer that she'd need to do something about it, because i wasn't going to get into some liability issue because the family wasn't dealing with him with any real sense of responsibility.  that brought me down, but i was heading home anyway.  i got here, took a prednisone and laid down for a couple hours, then i had lunch and Syd called.  she talked about leaving Joe (again), and asked for my opinion or suggestions, which i shared the latter and my perspective, which i knew meant practically nothing.  that depressed me too, but i kept it moving, got my ass dressed and back out the door.  

the second half of the day was okay, got everyone home safely, got back to the shop and left my keys and paperwork, and i came home.  i made my dinner (ate lunch at home), talked to Lonnie briefly, ate and have been chilling since.

i'm trying to keep a good perspective on myself.  talking to Syd, i came to a conclusion that perhaps, PERHAPS mind you, Jehovah is showing me what i'm supposed to do.  the way i'm feeling, the way i carry on, the eBay thing passing me over, maybe it's because it's likely that Syd and the baby will end up here, and i need my situation to be just what it is for that occasion.  maybe, i'm saying.  i don't know, and i don't assume to know God's will for me.  but i know i am where i am, and things happen for a reason, and all i can do is be still and allow myself to be a vessel. that's the best life there is, in my experience, and i am so glad that i get reminders of that.  Thank you, Father, and i am going to update at the Dining Table and get some sleep.  

...out of my constrictions...

i'm not doing too well at the moment.  i'm sorry to have to say that, but i have to be honest.  the title of this comes from a popular Funkadelic song, 'One Nation Under A Groove', and it's where i need to be right now.  i feel everything is too much at this moment.  i must be sane, as i'm still observing my qualifiers, like 'at this moment; at the moment'. it may pass, but it hasn't for months now.

i'll document the day.  it's five o'clock, so i have time and i'm awake.  i got up after a good sleep.  i'd taken a prednisone yesterday, as the pain that has been with me all last week was resurfacing after less than a day of relief.  i slept deeply, in fact...Lonnie had called me yesterday and i was surprised to find that i was asleep at all.  and then i faded right back into the sleep, but i did turn on a binaural video and i woke about 330 again.  i said my prayer and got my ass out the bed.  i took my insulin and pills, read my meditation books and ate while reading my scriptures, same as always.  then i got a load of clothes into the washer after i got dressed, i gathered trash to take one more back out before putting the can on the curb, i got the meeting stuff together and i made my way to work. 

not a particularly hard day, though i was aware starting out my foot was beginning to throb again.  but i was determined to get through this day.  one of my riders was not with us, doctor's appointment, so i should have finished up the morning runs early, but i never got a call about him not riding, so i spent more time at his house than i should have.  i did get it done, got the clients i had to their workshop, got back to the shop and got to my parent's house. 

my mom was sleep when i got in, i didn't want to disturb her.  i made her a pot of coffee, got some tea for myself.  she woke, and we talked a bit, but i was short with her, partly how i was feeling, partly because she was digging for information she didn't have to dig for.  i told her i was doing all right, regardless of what she thought she perceived.  i told her the baby was doing okay.  i told her it didn't matter how long i was there before she woke up.  i nodded briefly, then i went to my meeting. 

my irritability was growing.  i was short with some new women at the meeting, though they were talking about conditional amend-making and i addressed the danger of what they spoke on.  i left the meeting early and went back to work. 

the second half, i noticed something i've been noticing with myself lately...i was feeling very sad, almost constantly.  as in, it's beneath the surface of my skin, it's below my features always.  old songs attached to old loves.  memories of things that will not come this way again. still in that year of passing off a relationship that i'd wanted more than most.  alone in this house.  i do nothing but fuck around on facebook and other useless sights.  no calls except YW and Lonnie.  yes, self-pity, i acknowledge that.  but every day, i try to count my blessings.  every day i pray.  every day i read and try to get out of myself.  and all it seems to bring is further feelings of despondency.  and of course, i could ask for a prescription and just hide from whatever is going on inside me.  but i'm not.  i'm seeing the rolling of the credits now, and i don't know whether it's the beginning of a new film or the end of the same old fucking story.  can't tell.

anyway, add to that my washer's spin and drain cycle just broke.  Today.  with a load in the washer.  Submerged in laundry water all day in a dank basement.  aye.  tub leaking.  mouse nest, burners not working, groundhogs, poison ivy encasing the entire garage, car needing work, and now the washer not working. 

i'm tired. 

i'm tired.

i don't even know if i'm grateful today. i'm just tired. 

and i need a break.  from this pain, from these details, a moment to fucking breathe, to scream, to something. 

i don't know, Father. 

Staticky

wow.  what a day, what a day.  i can't even call it a bad day, it was just...a day.

i'm glad it's over, that much i can say with assurance.

not much to report.  i got up earlier than i wanted to, about 330 in the am.  i got coffee heating about an hour earlier than that, i said my prayer and got my ass moving before the alarm, taking my insulin and  medicine and reading my books.  i ate the other half of my stromboli for breakfast.  i got out the house early, wanting to get in in time to do my pre-check on my new bus and to relax my spirit before i rolled out.

truth is, i wasn't prepared.  there is no way to be prepared for something you don't know.  you can try to prepare for everything, but that is impossible.  what i can say is, i left on time, got to the new house on time.  the client was running late getting to the bus, and that threw off everything else.  but it wasn't completely on him.  i hadn't taken into consideration that if he was in a wheelchair, i'd have to make adjustments as to the positioning of his security hooks on the floor of the van, and while i got him secured down, i couldn't fasten his seat belt, so i had to take hooks off, take one out of the track, reposition him, get him secured down and seat belted, and then we were off.  late, but off.  we got everyone, late, and we got to the workshop.

i saw my mom between runs, made she and my dad breakfast sandwiches, had a nice talk with her.  left her a sandwich that i'd prepared for my lunch before i changed my mind and my appetite.  went back to work, talked to Lonnie for a spell before i finished out the work day.  it also took longer than it should have, and i realize this is going to be a monkey wrench in my taut schedule, but that's going to have to be all right.  it was a guesstimate, at best, and if it proves inaccurate, there will need to be an adjustment.  but that's just how that cookie crumbles, right?

i've had dinner.  i talked with my friend/sponsee about not calling.  i'm sure i made her feel bad, but i didn't want her to think it's okay to isolate in your own head, you have to come out, or at the very least you have to let some folks in to see how you're doing from time to time.  now i'm going to log in the Dining Room, and shut this shit down for the night.  i'm grateful to God for another day drawing to it's closing.

Inexorable...

...it moves, but not swiftly nor surely, always.  it simply moves.  it is in motion with the opening of the eyes, carrying with it both the sunset of the other side of the clock and the sunrise to come.  it moves and it creeps along, stealthily and steady at least, marked by the tick of the guts of a mechanical device, or the tocking of a pendulum rocked back and forth by a weighted head.  perhaps by the soft shushing of falling sand within curved glass walls.  but it moves.  and it carries everything except God along with it. 

time passes, and eventually you feel the gravitational pull of your final tomorrow tugging at your sleeve, as if a small child simply wanting the security of your presence.  you resist; this child is not yours.  but you know, in the heart of your better upbringing and your deep-seated morals, you will take time's hand, for you have to see it home, regardless of your ownership or desire.  and as it walks along with you, consciously, you see the world in entropy, the withering and creasing, the whitening of follicles and the tremors of once steady hands.  and those who were just ideas and notions once upon a time are now the disdainful and unaware, who you used to be, waiting for your time to pass, waiting to feel the slight, silent tug upon their sleeve, to lead them away to where they watched you go.  we are all in time's stream, and we are all led where it chooses to take us.

today was a good enough day, but sunday's are the deception of weekends.  sunday's are the day for preparation for monday, and monday is when the alarm sounds and the eyes open and the work awaits.  but today was not the alarm.  i woke to the birds, and i woke to my bladder, and i said my prayer.  i got the coffee started, and i took my medicines and read from the scripture and from my daily meditation books.  i had no breakfast, as i was meeting friends, so i essentially just lazed about, watching some anime, thinking of things i could do nothing about. 

breakfast was fine, i went after a trip to Big Lots for some supplies.  the meeting was okay as well.  i conversed with my usual people, and i went to get a few more things from a different store and my dinner.  then home again.  home to eat, to prepare a protein for later in the week.  home to put things away, to get it moving towards Monday, to eventually do this journaling and prepare myself for slumber, should it come.  home to time, moving itself along on its singular pedal, a mollusk in a shell comprised of all reality, holding my hand, taking me where it will.  my child and her child, the child that lives in my grandson's possible future, and time continues on. 

thank you, Jehovah, for time. 

Things to Know...

seems to be an every 2 day entry thing now, eh?  but that's not really the plan, just the way it's working out.  and again, there are excuses masquerading as reasons, but they must be dealt with swiftly and efficiently.

to start, yesterday was another pain day, but i obviously got through it. work wasn't a bad thing, my cooking dinner for my dad's birthday (and, by proxy, for my parents) went well, and i have my new assignment for monday.  things that didn't work out so well, i got an email from eBay saying they were passing on me for the position, and though there is a tinge of disappointment, it's not that heavy.  strangely, nothing is right now.  not seeing Rachel (probably) in her mom's car wednesday morning, not limping around for about 4 days straight, not the silence here or the lack of anything i really want to do. it's just days of staying a bit ahead of the noise, turning it over to God and trying to be obedient as best i can.  and still i didn't log, because after i came back from cooking dinner for them, i was exhausted.  heat, humidity, the oven on to bake his potato and to finish his T-bone steak properly.  drained me to the core.  yet, i didn't sleep as well as i'd have liked to.  and life still went on.

today, i woke with no particular place to go, as Chuck Berry sang a lot of years ago.  i prayed, my foot was still hurting, i turned on the coffee maker and i got my clothes from the dryer.  i had my breakfast, my medicine and readings, though i waited a bit on the scripture.  my plan was to clean a bit, grab some things from the store and just let this foot ease up without a bunch of unnecessary stress.  but God had other plans for the day.

we'll call her E, because she will have her anonymity, and i don't know her last name.  i got a text from her, frantic in its' reading.  i responded back, and she said she needed to talk, and before i could format a reply she called.  she sounded as if she were losing her grip on things.  i tried to talk her down, but it wasn't an over the phone thing.  we agreed we'd meet in Mill Park by the lily pond, and i sent our mutual friend a text so as to cover my ass, just in case.  a shame that that thinking is required for a 12th step call these days, but i know the America I'm living in.  anyway, we met, she was crying, she was pretty much a mess, out of sorts anyway.  we talked. i let her talk and i listened.  she was pretty fractured, but she got some things out.  i shared some things about me and she at least started trying to think in terms of doing what was best for herself, rather than what would make everyone else happy.  and she started thinking about what was best for herself at that moment, not for the rest of her life.

in the end, she decided to go to a meeting.  and she and her fiancee came, and they sat through the whole thing and she was speaking to a young female when i left, which was the best thing that could have happened.  and then i made my way home. 

saturdays are funny.  when you're not working, they don't mean much; they mean pretty much that the people who you usually can't access monday through friday are available to you.  but when you're working m-f, they are the only real day off that you have.  by which i mean, i work Friday, so my weekend doesn't start until about 4pm on Friday, which is the end of a day far as i'm concerned.  on sunday, i am throughout the day mentally and physically preparing for work on Monday, and that dominates my day.  because if i don't, then it will be a stressful beginning to the work week.  so, my only free-and-clear day off, nothing from waking to sleeping, is Saturday.  but i had more to do.  because when you work your 3rd step, when you turn it over to your God, the ride ends when you get where God wants you to be.  so i ended up at my dad's meeting, giving a lead, because his chairperson's lead cancelled and they didn't have a replacement.  i honestly did not want to do it, but that's not how it works.  and i'm not one of those who now, or probably ever, believes 'you can't say "NO" to the program'.  you can say NO to anything or anyone that isn't rolling in your direction, so to speak.  but when God is driving and says, 'This is your destination, isn't it?', it's best to just say Yes.  because when a blessing stops because you put your self-will in the way of it, that's usually the equivalent of a spiritual car-wreck.  and i'm not desirous of that.  so i gave a lead.  i had to deal with some individuals that i didn't really want to see.  i made it home, finally.  talked to Lonnie, called Yvette again with no answer, ate some cereal and laid it down. 

it was a good day.  a recovery day in the way i grew up in this program.  and i am thankful to the core that Jehovah blessed me with the opportunities i had today.  they don't come often anymore, and when they do, i'm real good with just taking it in, learning what's there to learn, sharing what i've been given and leaving it there to move on to the next day. 

The Dining Room

pain frequencies...

 

well, i don't know.  i didn't mean to skip yesterday, i swear. i was feeling pretty good when the day started, but by the end of it, a gout flare up seemed to have me on the ropes.  not even a week after a neuropathy flare had my right leg crippled up, my left foot goes useless.  i bitch, but my mom has it in both feet at most times, so i should be more grateful, but when it's hurting...it's like trying to be grateful the bullet took a chunk out of your ass rather than hit you in the face, or something.

nonetheless, yesterday wasn't a bad day.  workwise, it was close to flawless, and the only real drawback was my plan for dinner was waylaid because i couldn't really stand by the end of the day.  but that was the worst of it.  the clients got dropped off and picked up as they should have, i visited my child and grandson, i ate better and did the things i needed to get done, that i COULD get done that is.  today...

i had hoped medicating this flare early would take care of it, but far from it.  i woke in pain, and i got up in pain to start the day.  i didn't shower, didn't groom, didn't do anything except put clothes on from my hamper that weren't too dirty, read my books and took my medicines, and i ate an orange.  then off to work, limping through the day.  

i went home between runs.  came home, prepped alfredo stuff, cooked pasta, took meds and laid down.  did my interview on the phone with ebay, went okay.  then i got my ass up, got things moving as i had to get a card mailed to Ronda for her upcoming birthday, and i got out the door.

second half of work wasn't eventful either, and i got through it no issues.  i got on guy to drop off tomorrow morning, so an easy start to the day.  i went to my parents house and saw my mom, who gave me some wedding soup.  i stayed for a bit, then i came home.  i made my alfreddo sauce and put the ingredients into it, i heated my soup, put my food on a plate and dug in.  then i washed my dishes, took a shower after i shaved and have been in bed since.  the pain is dulled back a bit, but i still need to rest this shit.  

funny, to go from visiting Syd and the child to being laid up.  funny to be laid up for 2 days but still have to be productive and bright.  it is hard; pain makes me stupid and grouchy.  

going to counseling tomorrow, lunch with Lonnie.  going to my parent's house after work to make them some dinner for my dad's b-day.  i'm going to get this basket of clothes washed and dried.  i'm going to try to do some creative shit.  but i'm going to start by saying thank you to my Heavenly Father, for the blessings of this day.  

my dad's birthday

my post for my father on his birthday.  it was on FB, so he likely won't see it, but it's probably better that way.

"A word, before I return to work. 

Today is my father's 80th birthday. Robert "Bob" Thomas, a man who has gone far beyond amazing into the realm I like to think of, for our people, as 'mystical'.

He is a man who didn't finish high school out of necessity, and later received a couple degrees from the local university. He was at one time a notorious alcoholic (just ask most of the surviving community) who not only attained recovery from drinking, but helped scores of alcoholics and addicts to do the same through his work as an EAP at General Motors, from which he retired.

He got sober at a time where the lines were being re-drawn rather firmly in the sand between white and black recovery, and he took steps to not leave himself or other black people without recourse by co-founding the Ebony Lifeline Support Group here in this city, which has gone on to help those who felt marginalized by the conventions of 12 Step recovery (almost typed 13 step, HAHAHA! inside joke), as well as produced an Ebony Lifeline Sports Banquet and Sports Hall of Fame for persons of color in the community, and a Radio Show, Life On Life's Terms, which started at the university he graduated from.

He has helped a lot of people. He has become a social activist, respected and honored in both Youngstown and the state of Ohio itself.

On a more personal note, at least twice in this reality, if it wasn't for him, yours truly would not be here. Once in '68, and once in 1988 when he got me into the Care Unit in Salem, Ohio, from which I've maintained sobriety since.

I used to fear this man, personal things, ask if you want to know. Someone pretty smart told me, "Being in a program, you'll learn some things that he had to go through, and you'll come to understand a lot more about him. Feel what you feel for now, but be prepared to change." Prophecy. I love him dearly now, and honor his life and spirit as much as I am able. We are, temperamentally, polar opposites, and I am in awe of how well he can suffer fools. But he is probably the biggest fan of my writing, and my biggest support in everything else these days.
He has no Facebook page, that I know of (right hand don't let the left hand know what it's doing, his famous philosophical leaning), so you don't have to do anything. But I wanted it known that a man lived 8 decades and did a lot with his time. That should never go unremarked."

for the 17th

you can post something on FB, you can comment on it, and people still won't understand where you are at, ;particularly. 

i found this meme (i guess they're all called 'memes' now) on Tumblr, and it resonated with me for a number of reasons.  what it mostly says is i don't have to continue on any further than i may choose to; that's freedom for me as a result of bearing this emptiness i feel.  but, i know people aren't going to get that.  we live in a talking society. people speak from wishes rather than wisdom, from expressed fantasy rather than experience.  and it leaves only confusion in it's wake.  let me be clear; i would rather not have the emptiness, nor the need to bear it.  i am accustomed to living alone now, but i would love to have a person in my life.  that's not a lie nor is it something i consider a liability.  i am okay doing what i do.  i'd be okay doing it with someone else too.

anyway...

yesterday was fine.  i was up and moving pretty well.  i'd taken a shower the night before, so i was already in motion with my feet on the floor.  after prayer, meds and meditations.  i didn't eat breakfast at home, as i had plans to go to my parents house.  i went to work, did my pre-check, saw some of the people i enjoy seeing for the most part and got on with the day.  did my pick-ups and drop offs and brought my stuff back to the shop and went to my parent's house.

my mom was still sleep when i got there, slept a good portion of the time while i made coffee and was cooking as well.  admittedly, i went and checked to make sure she was still breathing.  she was, and she woke eventually.  i ate, made breakfast for my parents and i took a nap trying to watch television.  i got back to work early, ate my lunch in the parking lot, went inside and then took a chair out back as a woman who still annoys me to no end was beginning her routine.  i did the end runs, again no problem, left for the day, came home rather than going to the store.  i had decided on a small pizza for dinner and had everything i needed here. 

i cooked, ate, read some scripture while i ate, and i chilled for the rest of the night. i looked up some directions that i need for today's run, a new client that i'm going to have to pick up starting monday. 

i am leaving things in Jehovah's hands.  i think the gig at Ebay is going to happen, but i can't say for sure.  i don't mind the driving anymore, but i also have to consider the necessities of getting this house together, the funds that i'll need to do that, the winter that will be here soon enough.  to work from home and do so successfully, that would be an accomplishment and a resolved question mark from last year.  but i think about that meme...am i free?  am i free from need?  my needs are met, that's for sure.  am i free from want?  is that even possible while breathing?  i believe i have exactly what i am supposed to have at this moment.  i believe i am well cared for and loved by my family and my Father.  and i believe that i am able to be of some benefit to the world i occupy.  i don't know that i need any more freedom than that right now.  but we'll see what is coming down the road today.

thank you, Jehovah, for the blessing of breath today.

Principles

another weekend gone, another week begun.  it wasn't the worst weekend i can remember.  perspective is important.  weekends of living on the street, hungry for 'crack', not eating, not bathing, without any financial recourse but whatever garbage someone might choose to dole out to me, wanting to die, wanting to be done with a miserable existence after indulging in it only 2 decades...much worse weekends than this.

but after 3 more decades, weariness cannot be hidden so easily.  bad news has weight, gravity.  the attraction toward the obits and the sheriff's department inmate list is strong.  a stoicism to hide the depth of concern about family members showing pain and discomfort becomes an absolute necessity.  and thoughts of dying return, settle in to their new place at the table.  not the old one where death thoughts were at the forefront of everything; a more reasonable place, fourth from the head, having a conversation with the muse and musical sensibility, i suppose. 

anyway, Sunday.  did i do anything important?  i made a new flyer for an ad for Totems and Spells, did it on my failing Chromebook, it looks kind of nice, to be honest.

i prayed, i went to my meeting.  i didn't talk to them about my sponsor, because they haven't yet called to see how he's doing.  i barely keep track myself, but we've all sat around the tables, we've all broken bread together.  it is the new generation of 'recovering' people, and it is what will populate meetings in the next couple decades.  i doubt i'll continue to be a part of it once my sponsor is no longer in this reality, but God's will will be done, not mine.

I went to my parent's house.  my mother called me, saying she needed my help.  my dad brought groceries and she wasn't able to get them put away.  she pulls things out to make room, then loses track of where she is and pulls out more things.  what really needs to happen is the kitchen needs to be cleaned out, stripped down to the necessities, and maintained at that level.  but a lifetime of accumulating things dictates the willingness (or lack) to dispose of the unnecessary things later.  i put the food and other clutter away, fixed them burgers and fries for dinner and made my way home. 

with the discovery that it's been just about a year since Rachel and i parted ways, i got a better sense of what these blues have been lately.  i can't help that my body stores strong emotion like seasonal fashion, to be brought out annually when the weather changes.  but realizing that it happens makes it something that can be dealt with.  so i came home, i made myself some dinner and i relaxed, to get ready for this day. 

a new person at the meetings, her name is Julie, she's from Columbus apparently.  she had her hands wrapped in Ace bandages, and she is living at the Rescue Mission.  she says she hasn't eaten in 5 days, and that she had 69 days clean.  she says she had triplets, but two of them died somehow and she kind of lost her mind at that point.  i gave her a ride to Fellowship hall after the meeting, but didn't get her anything to eat as i really had no sense of one thing or another in conjunction to her, except that she was looking for someone to take care of her beyond those parameters and i am not that individual any longer.  funny how you can look back and clearly see the change from what you used to be to what you are now. 

gotta log the food, then it's time to go to work.  see you at the Dining Room.  thank you, Father, for the time to write and the life to live. 

Jeez...

i have no idea what happened.  i've been slacking like crazy, haven't i?  it's funny, it's not even like i mind doing this Journey, this jounal.  I do what i do because it gives me fixed points along the way to see where i have been, and to adjust my trajectory when need be to go where i'm trying to go.  that's the deal, whole thing.  so what's the problem that it's four days later and i'm doing an entry on the day before?  i am going to speculate this time, because that is an issue and this is a place for the working out of issues as well. 

first, i am grateful to Jehovah God for my life.  i am grateful that i have a life, that i am able to ambulate and cogitate and masticate and verbalize and hypothesize, because there are so many who can't, and so very many more who simply don't.  i am grateful because i have all i need, and i have things that i want, and i know the difference today, when i didn't use to. 

i have been working, and i've been losing myself in the illusion that work and home is sufficient, when it likely isn't.  it is fine from a NEED standpoint, as in, i have shelter, i have a bed, i have a freezer for food, a stove to cook it on, water to wash my ass, clothes to put on my cleaned ass, and so on.  but sometimes, WANT is not unrelated to need; sometimes, in fact, want is cojoined to need and to neglect some WANT is to make NEED carry an unnecessary burden.  i'll have to remember that, as it rings true and it is clever. 

for instance, i have DELETED two of my old FB accounts, where i was connected with Rachel.  not DeActivated, DELETED.  at least, they will be after the 15 day 'You'll change your mind, asshole' period is over.  and my life, as it has for the past year, goes on.  it's been a year now...IT'S BEEN A YEAR NOW.  and there you go.  the heaviness, the blues, the sad, lethargic going through some motions.  echo of grieving, depression in its own season.  thank you, Father. 

anyway, deleted accounts, and that leaves the void that was there all along.  and though all NEEDs are met in the void, it leaves a lack of friends, of company, of conversation, of touch, of intimacy, of learning from other human experience.  it creates a bonding with others who may not be the best candidates for my time and particularities, not saying that arrogantly, but a cook does better with cooks as friends than anorexics, i'd think.  i considered making a fruit salad for work for tomorrow...FRUIT SALAD.  for what?  for people who still barely speak to me?  for the insanity that effuses and throbs like poisonous, unformed life?  but in the absence of friends, you create a bond with whatever's at hand, or you go deeper to ground.  i think i'm doing both simultaneously. 

so, my sponsor is worse.  i think.  spiritually, he is presenting a fine exterior, but his doctor's have told him he has about 6 more months of life.  i am sad beyond belief at the moment.  i am running through memories like old VHS tapes, and it is just one more thing that i have to process in motion, but that means nothing compared to a man who has helped so many individuals sitting in the home of his aspirations to be a man, an equal in a society that wanted him subservient, surrounded by his flowers and plants that he's always loved, on oxygen 24/7, with a surgical mask always present because he needs to keep as much oxygen in his body as possible and the mask helps with the hoses, having faith but disconnecting slowly from this reality.  it is a sad thing. 

i go for my biopsy on the 9th.  i've seen my friend as compromised as he could possibly be by the removal of his prostate, and i have no real issue with the lack of an erection, should it come to that.  i may not even have an issue with the incontinence issue.  but to be incapacitated by the healing pain and to have no one to help me do the basic shit that i have to get done...that is a daunting thought.  i am glad that my grandson is born and i've had the opportunity to meet him and offer a blessing on his behalf, as i may not wish to go much further should that turn out to be the case.  and yet, my friend who had his own prostate removed says that if worst comes to worst, i can just stay with them while i convalesce.  so there is always the need to look accurately at what you've been given, because God provides, if one's eyes are open enough to behold His provisions. 

i don't know what today brings just yet, other than my prayer which i've prayed.  i only know it's time to get this day started, and so i shall.  i'll get back to this later, and again, thank you, Jehovah, for the insight and the love. 

...so traumatized...

at times, i am as solid a person as can be.  i mean, i've worked hard, by God's grace, to shape up and shore up some of my more glaring weak areas.  i've tried to overcome some of my complete voided spots, where no person or personality could be found in me.  by God's grace, again, because of myself i am flawed and pretty content with myself as a flawed creature.  but knowing that my commission as a recovering addict is to affect change in lives, to some extent to help save them, i knew just being the asshole i consistently was was not good enough.  and i was brought to change, and some i went to willingly and a lot i kicked and screamed and whined and cajoled and puled, but i changed in the end, and i am proud of that.

some things, however, are just a little beyond me, and that's got to be okay too, i suppose.

today was a pretty good day.  i got up on time, said my prayers and got my day started, slowly but surely.  i decided on oat meal for breakfast, and as my water was boiling i read and took medicines and then i made my oat meal and ate while i read scriptures.  i took a shower and shaved, went upstairs to get clothes and get dressed, lotioned and deodorized and gathered trash and took it out to the can and boogied on down the road to work. 

i got there and decided to leave a bit early, to try to duplicate the run from yesterday that gave me a bit of a cushion to get both the morning clients in a timely fashion.  it worked, the morning run went smoothly and i got them to the workshop and got back to base.  i went to the store, got stuff to make dinner for my parents and for Syd and Joe over here, as they were coming by today. 

coming to the trauma now.

Joe was coming by to replace the igniter in my stove. he got it done, and found a mouse nest under the stove.  now, i've never seen an actual mouse nest before.  i have a thing about me, that i've never really spoken about in detail.  there are certain things that really, REALLY freak me out, i guess because to me there is nothing natural about them, there is something sort of ethereal about them.  like wood that a worm has crawled through and left it's impression within the wood.  that makes me feel nauseous. well, this small bundle of fiber had a similar effect on me.  i just felt...disgusted, beyond my ability at that time to put into words.

so imagine that feeling amplified to the nth degree by watching him lift the hood of top of the stove to find a mouse nest that filled the entire space of the stove top.  GAH...

i know.  i'm being a baby.  but it's something on a primal level, i guess.  i'm not sure if i'll be able to sleep tonight.  i'm not sure if i'll be able to cook until i get another stove.  the nest, or something, has damaged the burner eyes, or has extinguished the pilot beneath the hood, and i'm not going back under there.  bad enough when Joe opened the damned thing. 

i am so weird sometimes. 

anyway, it was a nice visit, dinner was fine, i guess, and i'm ready to try to get whatever sleep i can.  thank you, Jehovah, for a day of learning...

Home Hurting...

i have lived long enough to know for a fact there is no medium for human existence, and if there were it wouldn't be the plastique-looking, cookie cutter fashionistas who all seek a similar height, weight or body type depending on what region they escaped from.  i'm convinced whole-heartedly that we are all the norm; the fat and skinny, the short and tall, the darkest to the whitest and everyone in the cracks between the extremes of appearance and information.  we are all the norm, because what the fuck is normal anyway?

i came home in pain yesterday.  my ankle, right side, was hurting la motherfucker, all through the day.  i got through it, but it was an exhausting drag, lemme tellya.  so i came home, i found enough strength to make myself a steak salad and i ate and laid down and tried to deal with the pain mentally.  S came by, (having asked me to sponsor her and i having told her yes) and we went over the doctor's opinion in the big book.  after that, it was a wrap.  i'd taken a maximum pain pill, which didn't touch this, and i did the normal combination for gout/neuropathy, also no go.  fitful night, tossing, turning, up pissing. 

today, i have been dealng with the same thing.  the prednisone seems to be helping now, but i'm in my bed, resting after a short new first run, and i'm going to rest before i go back to work, see if this lets go.  regardless, i'm home hurting, i went to work with my cane today, and i'm pretty weary from dealing with this for the better part of a week now.  we'll see how it goes.  i'll keep you posted as i can.  thank you, Father, for seeing to my needs. 

Next Day Preparation...

   

so, another day comes to a close.  a new Monday may be born...well, it will be born, and i may be blessed to be alive to see it.  it is the ending of a good enough weekend, and i'm not going to complain about anything right now.  nope, that's a lie.  i'm going to complain about finding a crack in the bottom of the bathtub downstairs.  i'm going to complain about the water leaking through the bathtub, through the floor beneath, for an indeterminate amount of time.  i'm going to complain about how i may have to have the bathroom completely redone, in a way that is likely beyond my current capacity or time-frame.  but i'm not going to complain too much because i am still abundantly blessed and i won't lose my gratitude for the things i have complaining about the things i need.

today i got up and moved slowly as i had nothing really slated except the meeting. i said my prayer and i put on coffee.  i had my breakfast, i took my medicine and read my books.  i cleaned my dishes.  i put on clothes, i made the above flier for FB to advertise my impending book releases, and i made a bowl of Johnny Marzetti to take to the pot luck.  i went to my meeting.  it was a good meeting on 'More About Alcoholism', step 2 stuff, and it was good to re-read it again.  i ate, i talked, i stayed after to speak with a friend for about an hour and then i had to say good-bye.  

i went to my parent's house and took the rest of the Johnny Marzetti to them and i called and checked on my brother.  i went to the store for supplies and to another store for dinner stuff and lunch stuff for tomorrow.  then i came back home.  

i put my groceries away, put the clothes i'd washed in the morning into the dryer, i made my dinner and ate.  i got my clothes from the dryer.  i found the bath i'd run before i cooked was gone, so i ran more water, to find that the tub has a crack in it.  i talked to some people, i shaved my face and head, and washed my ass and groin.  i had cake and ice cream for dessert.  i watched some television and i am now laying in my bed.

i did the things i'd set out to do this weekend, including my shopping lists.  i am ready to get back to work, though tomorrow is likely to be a short, strange day.  but it is change, and i will miss the riders of bus 107.  but i've got a sandwich made for lunch, i'm going to get back to working my Z-Phyles hand, see where i am going, and i'm going to try to keep working on me too.  i am blessed, i remember it more as time goes on that i'm abundantly blessed, and should i pass away tonight, i've had so many good things come into my life that i won't frown or cry or lament.  i will do as i'm doing now; thank God Jehovah for the next chance and for the awareness that there is one for me.  okay, i'm babbling a bit, so i'm gone now.  

the Conclusion...

i've learned some things in my time driving bus 107.  i've learned a lot more than i knew when i started with this company.  but i'm not surprised, as the Promises in the Big Book tell me 'we will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us', and this is a situation that once would have left me an anxiety-riven mess.

two clients in wheelchairs, with much different levels of very limited verbal communication and physical mobility.  a client who uses words only when he chooses, sits in his own space and mind most of the time, and is not obstinate but can be balky from time to time.  a young woman and man who are bristling with what would be hormonal horniness in teenagers, trying to maintain a 'relationship' without being seen as maintaining it.  a young man with an autism that sometimes prevents him from being able to directly get on the bus, who is daily traumatized by change, and who has to re-acclimate to even a familiar situation on a daily basis.  a woman who is terrified of rejection, who has extreme and obvious abandonment issues, and who has only the mentality to deal with it by keeping herself the center of attention at all times.  and a 63 year old black man, the only one in the crew, who just wants to get through his days.  those were my riders for the past month. 

it was never truly tumultuous.  it was never completely smooth either.

the only thing i know for a fact is communication is always necessary to try.  it doesn't always work, but it is completely ineffective if it isn't tried at all.  the good thing was, they responded.  the other good thing was, even though he wasn't a great aide, the gentleman who was assigned to this bus was a perfect aide for one of the clients, and that meant i only really had to deal with seven others.  manageable.

i asked them for help right from the beginning.  the clients on a route learn their route and don't forget it.  they tend to know their surroundings far better than their drivers do.  they made sure i got where we needed to go, and they made sure if i took wrong turns they told me about it. 

as time passed, i got to know more about their personalities, they got to know the one i presented to them, joking, laughing, not taking things too seriously, usually.  they came to know i wasn't trying to supplant myself in their regular driver's place, that i felt my duty was to keep his bus together, to get them all there and back safely.  that i managed to do. 

i asked about their meals, asked if they'd eaten breakfast.  i asked how work was, how they spent their evenings, how they were feeling.  i talked to the ones who responded in the traditional way, and i talked to those who responded however they could.  after a point, they all communicated with us. 

they shared their good days, their bad days.  they squabbled with each other.  the girl who was in the 'relationship' with my number one navigator and the woman who needed to be the center of attention were always in contention.  in fact, the latter was in contention constantly with most of the others on the bus in one way or another.  the young man who was hesitant to get on the bus had a severe setback when his favorite aide at the workshop was moved elsewhere.  at one point, i had to tell them that they had to get along, that if they were my friends, my friends had to be friends with each other.  not really true, but it was effective for a bit. 

i bribed them with cookies.  i laughed and joked.  i got them to laugh along, and got them to tease each other rather than tear at each other.  soon enough, they started to act more civil, for the most part.  did the insecure one become completely secure and 'user-friendly'?  of course not.  did the 'couple' not try to manipulate me into looking past any indiscretions?  they tried every chance they got.  was it sometimes taxing to hear the same thing from the same individual over and over again?  any parent would know i was lying if i said it wasn't. 

but i think that is the key. "Parent".  you become their surrogate parent for the duration of the ride.  or, surrogate family at least.  you make it okay for them to be human, to have vulnerability, to NEED.  you try to show respect, regardless of how you feel. 

and at the end, you let them know they are important to you. 

yesterday, it was sad and poignant.  i shook hands, i got and gave hugs.  i told them it was an honor to drive them, and i thanked each of them for allowing me to.  two things touched me harder than the rest though.

the girl in the wheelchair, she is far more responsive than the young man is, though only by way of being understood by someone 'outside'.  her mother told me that i had done an exceptional job, that in 30 something years of drivers, they had learned to look for those who would be safe driving their daughter, but that i was beyond that.  it made me feel good.  it made me happy to have driven her child.

the other, the man who stayed in his own space, who was coming out slowly, giving trust in his own measure and his own time, who made sure the aide and i both were wished a happy father's day and a happy 4th of july, he wouldn't move.  he sat, at his stop, and he looked at me.  and i reached out a hand and said, 'thank you for riding with me, D____', and he reached out, and he held two of my fingers with his own, and after a moment, he let go and stood up and got off the bus. 

that was the undoing of me. 

i start a new route on monday.  it will be my route, it will be my schedule.  i am looking forward to it. 

but it won't be anywhere near as precious starting out as this one is ending.  i thank Jehovah God for that.

Emotionally Overwrought and Trying not to Snap...

well, it's done.  i've finished my helmsmanship over the route that i had been running for about the past month.  it is a day of saying good-bye, but at least i got the chance to do so this time.  it is nice to know that you mean something to the people you see every day, developmentally disabled or not.  they are people with feelings, choices and individual personalities.  i am honored to have been a part of their lives, and i am sad to have to move on.

as i was saying earlier, or yesterday perhaps, i have been feeling pretty fucking punk lately.  i've been eating like i have no business eating, hurting inside in some vague way and trying to just keep putting the left in front of the right, reverse and repeat, to get from the sunrise to the sunset.  it's not like i have accomplished a whole lot, but you take the victories you can, like not killing yourself, like making it to work on time and all week, like paying the bills.  you take what is there, like sex with a friend, and you let it go when it becomes clear that you are doing more harm than good, and that's a victory as well.  i have been looking at me and being honest, just haven't been moving on the change that i need to move on.  

i talked to VF today, about the notion of things being a 'movement', like the 'Me, Too' movement or the 'Black Lives Matter' movement.  i have found very little that i can truly endorse in either of those or any of the many others today.  an exception, strangely, would have been the Tea Party movement, which, while vile, evil, despicable and misdirected, actually took definitive and discernible action to bring about their desired agenda.  not just holding up signs and not just doing high profile shit.  they got out on the grassroots level and slung all the hate and shit they could, and turned the entire county their way.  that's a movement.  it's what it takes; the willingness to do anything to achieve your goal, and the force to keep your legs moving for all the yards you might be able to steal.  

i say that to say i have found very little movement in my own life.  i've been doing the daily shit, but as far as really opening up and allowing the flow of creativity or desire to run through me?  nope.  i am still in the process of hating the lack of her, and of wondering if i should even bother to invest in someone else again, or anything else for that matter.  it would be nice to connect to something.  but i'm blessed.  the weather has cooled, i have been paid, and i have supplies enough.  i can't really ask for more than that.  

so when i got up this morning, i just started moving.  i prayed and i got coffee started.  i read and took my medicine and i had the rest of yesterday's sandwich for breakfast.  i got my ass out the door after i got the paperwork for my medical assistance printed and i went to work.  got there on time too.  i got the day started, picked up my clients and got them to work.  i didn't go to my parent's didn't get to Syd's either.  i went to counseling, talked things over with VF, not too heavy but still clarifying.  i went to lunch with Lonnie.  i talked to him about some serious things.  i went back to work.  and that's when the heaviness started.

to be continued...

tomorrow...

again, a change.  again, a switch, another group of clients, another group of individuals i'll need to learn, to know, to deal with.  again, trying to just keep things in one place.  it could be worse.  it's been worse recently.  i'm blessed and i'm grateful, but it is again, a change...

i woke late today.  it was strange to have that happen.  i woke at 433 and it was late.  i had turned off my alarm clock on tuesday night, as i didn't have to work yesterday, and i woke up late.  i started to panic, to rush, then decided things would go the way they were supposed to go, they were what they were supposed to be.  so i prayed, and i got up and i took my shower.  i had to, from grilling yesterday.  i had a bowl of cereal, i took my medicine and i read my books and i did not have time for coffee and i got my ass out the house to work, and i got there at my regular time. 

having a good amount of sleep supplanted the need for coffee, and having two individuals off today helped as well, as it was a short run.  we were back early.  i went to Gabriel brothers and Burlington, looking for cooler shirts and possibly some loafers.  didn't find much of either, and have a couple things i have to return.  i'm not doing well controlling what i put in my face, but i'm trying to stay honest about it.  anyway, i got two pieces i have to take back tomorrow.  not spending money on
'tomorrow i can fit this'. 

i went to my mother's house, made her a sandwich and talked to her for a bit.  it was nice to know how happy my parents were, seeing Syd's child.  i watched some television, then went to get some lunch and back to work.

the afternoon was even quicker.  one of the morning's riders had to go home early, so we only had five to drop off.  i got home early, have eaten dinner and redid TOTEMS AND SPELLS, since i can't seem to get an approval on the cover.,  i want to take a bath, that is the plan, as soon as i finish this. 

i guess i'm really concerned about my lack of discipline, but it's not unusual.  i start eating and it just rolls on.  i've been doing better, but i am not doing what i am supposed to be doing.  the strength is prayed for so it's delivered, but i am eating to stave off other things, and i know that i am.  time to get more honest.  regardless, i'm going to get off this thing, get back to doing some necessary things, and put it down soon for the night.  thank you, Jehovah, for a nice, cooler day.

changing times

i can tell you this:  i never asked to be around this long.  but i'm glad that i have been. 

there are some things that i'm going to be dealing with soon, that i'm going to try to keep up with here on my Journey.  if i don't, i'll have to play catch up later, but for now, suffice it to say i am doing what i can in this boiling weather, and though i'm not complaining much, it is trying, very much so. 

so this morning i got up but slowly, as we didn't have work today, being the Colonist's Independence day today.  so i got up, i said my prayer and made my way into the kitchen.  i read my stuff and took my stuff and i made my breakfast and ate and did a load of clothes and showered and shaved and got stuff cooked and prepared for my dinner today.  i gathered up things and got in my car and went to my parent's house to check on them.

my mom has not been focusing very well lately.  she seems as if she's struggling to stay on point, and i don't know if that's really a 'bad' thing, as she is getting up there in age, but i don't mind it for the most part, as it is the thing she does now.  i made sure the cable and internet were on, reset the living room tv, sliced a beef roast she made into the gravy she made yesterday,  took a nap and then headed over to the noon CA meeting.

the meeting was cool, we ate some lunch that we'd brought for the so-called holiday and then i came home.  i got my grill together and cooked my own dinner, i've eaten, i've nodded in front of the television and i am about to run a bath and get the fresh smell of smoke off of me.  i'll likely toss and turn for another night, and then it's back to the grind tomorrow. 

i called my urologist, i'll be getting a letter with the date and time for my prostate biopsy.  it's time to get it done.  LZ made it safely into the world, and Syd is okay at the moment.  i just wanted to unattach one event from the other, no need for any dark clouds on the horizon of Syd's becoming a mother.

i'm very tired, weary and drained.  i've got a lot of things that i still need to take care of, but if i can get the bath in (or not; morning shower may just be calling me), then i'll consider myself ahead of the curve.  regardless, i'm feeling good, and i'm getting some stuff done.  i am blessed, and i'm grateful to Jehovah for the awareness of that blessing. 

Yes means YES

back into the process.  it was hot enough yesterday to impede normal thought somewhat, which is why i'm logging today.  it wasn't the worst of days by far, but it took some sttreamlining of attentiveness and today likely will as well.  but one day at a time.

i got up yesterday as slowly as possible.  i was prepared to go through the day as scripted but as far as the Kingdom Hall, my mom woke feeling less than good and deciding not to go.  i decided also to chill, from the Hall and the meeting.  so i got up and got started with my prayer and took my medicine and read my books but didn't finish my scripture.  a sign of the day to come, i'd say.

the house was more stifling than genuinely hot, but that is a deterrent as well.  so i just moved slowly through most everything.  i compiled a list of needed things, got myself in clothes and called Lonnie eventually and i got out the door early enough.  i got most of what was on my list, having to compromise on the purchasing of dinner, because i re-discovered that i had the meeting book in my trunk and had to contact the meeting secretary so he could meet me at my parent's house to obtain it, and that meant no food that would spoil or i'd have to throw out freshly purchased goods.

he came and got the book, and i made my mother coffee and breakfast, and we talked a bit but not much.  i am sensing some things with her that are difficult.  her uncertainty seems more pronounced, her inability to track what is going on.  she holds on to the things she knows, the babies, the activities of the recent past, but she is so frustrated in the process.  maybe that's just what getting older, getting old, is like.  maybe it's just frustration at losing the ability to do the simple things, and never getting sure footing back underneath oneself.  it is happening to my father as well, and i'm sure it's happening to me too.

anyway, i got home, put things away, ordered lunch, picked it up and ate and finished formatting the book above for publishing.  i had already gotten the email from CreateSpace that The Last Recovering Man was ready for review, and it looks good, and i'm going to order my proofs today, but i'm trying to wait for this one to get approval as well so i can get all my proofs at the same time.  i fell into a bit of a nap, and i made myself some dinner, and i went to sleep and heard De'Ja come in but i didn't acknowledge him because i wanted him to go to the spare room and set up the fan and get what sleep he could.  i didn't want him to feel obligated to check on me, and thus keep us both wake longer.  he is sleep now, and i'm going to have to awaken him briefly to let me out of the driveway, but that's briefly and that's okay.

i felt spiritually okay yesterday, though i should have gone to the Hall as i intended.  i talked through text to TF, TP's mom passed and i offered my condolences, and i deleted my FB account where i continued to give myself depressing doses of Rachel.  and life goes on.  today i have to call Dr. Steyn and schedule the biopsy, i need to fill out the paperwork for my Xarelto, and i have to get to work, so it's time to move my ass.  after i update The Dining Room.  thank you, Father, and forgive me for not doing what i said i was going to do.